How to make my husband take up his family's responsibilities?

I am exhausted. Don't know what to feel right now.

I feel guilt for being self centered and criticizing my husband. I feel sad for ruining my own marriage life by being insensitive to him. At the same time, I can't help myself from being disappointed and exhausted with all the responsibilities I bear. Sometimes I feel it is better to break up, but again I feel I should give a try to see whether it works.

Its been 7 years since we are married. We have kids too. Since marriage, I have been bearing all the responsibilities in the family. From income earning to managing daily expenses to everything is born by me. I brought the house, furniture, kid's school admission and every single facility that we use now. Moreover, I am the one who is expected to put leave when kids are sick or they have meeting at School. This duel role is killing me.

My husband does nothing other than looking for a job, then getting fired by the management due to his lack of professionalism or arrogance, and again start the job hunt.
While he works during those miraculous periods, he do share his salary with us. But it is highly not dependable. He is a poor financial planner. Whatever he earns will be soon spent on unwanted stuff. He fills up his credit card limits as his parents will be demanding money/things from him every now and then.

In the past 6 years, all I did was to teach him responsibilities. He has improved to some extend. He is no longer that arrogant, adjusts with his management and sticking to a job for the past 1 yr. He also bears basic responsibilities at home. Eg the monthly groceries. It is perhaps 30% of what we spent on a monthly basis.

Due to the absence of steady income at home, I had to take up more challenging and risky jobs only for the high payment. The jobs demands me more travelling, and outdoor trips.

I replaced myself at home with a reliable nanny thus far. But recently this option has been ruled out after the nanny became ill.

Husband has promised to reduce his expenses, and spending for in laws (they have other 3 children who are well off too) and concentrate more on our family. He even did that for a month or two. That gave me some courage to resign my well paying job only to get a normal job near my home (salary is equal to what husband is earning)

We cut off many expenses such as nanny's salary, transport, vacationing, outside meals/fast food, cook's salary etc..etc... I have also settled some loans from whatever the savings and jewels I had so far. There is a small EMI which I will have to pay from my salary.

I hoped our salary will be fairly enough to run the family, if not with luxuries. But as usual husband stopped sharing his salary, instead he comes with excuses.

Last month he blamed one unexpected spending at his office. This month salary delay... Earlier he said he missed the purse with money. I know he is being irresponsible.

More to this, his dad comes home every month ends to drain some/more money from him. He is a retired person with a big pension. His other sons (unmarried) are living abroad, and sending money. They recently brought a house and facilities too. But they don't let their son to spend even a penny for his family.

I feel helpless. Kids school fees and other monthly bills are coming before my eyes. I have lost my sleep and deprived of food by thinking our future.

When I dug further, I came to know his 2 credit card payment reminder letters. They say the card limit has been extended, and payment due which is huge.

I confronted with him. But he fails to give a satisfiable answer. He brings his puppy face before everything. Which makes me uncomfortable to confront further.

In fact, he is struggling a lot with lack of money. He is always empty pocket. Even to eat lunch or travel in a bus, I have to fill his pockets all the time. This makes me highly irritable as I can't be his mom anymore.

He doesn't pay any attention to my concerns, rather sleeps while I argue with him.

Ever since I lost my usual job, I have been struggling even to buy a bindi for myself. Its been 6 months since I brought a new cloth. Even at times, I eat only bread for lunch to cut the cost.

Whatever I get extra from the office will be only spent for him... He even asks money from me to commute to office, as he is empty hand - always giving reasons.

Last night, I asked him to find a better job as he is highly qualified. He says he can't go out of the city without family. But he encouraged me to take up any job, anywhere without bothering about kids.

I asked him to apply for middle east job too. Where we can go as family. But he is not ready.

He is not dependable even to leave the kids with him. His family is not supportive, but money minded.
I have no family support from my end too.

Since morning, he has been showing faces, which is really upsetting.

Please advice. What can I do now?

@Yellowmango @Laks09 @rihana @hrastro @sparkle @satchithananda @ragini25 and all, please respond

 

Thanks for replying. Nope, my location is not Afghanistan. It is for privacy and security purposes. I live in India.

There are good options like day cares and all. But my specialized job demands lot of travelling to other states, therefore I will have to stay away from family often. During such times, I can't leave kids with husband's responsibility as he is extremely careless.
It was possible with that reliable nanny. But she is no longer available.
My daughter frequently falls sick, and it will become uneasy for me to apply leave every now and then to be with the child since my work location will be elsewhere that time. That is why I decided to accept this pay cut and relocation to my city.

Not easy to kick him out as he is so attached to the kids, and I worry whether they will miss him for ever. Also, he is harmless otherwise. He is giving me a great support just by being a manly support to take whatever the steps (like traveling, kid's emergency etc..etc..) as I fear whether I might not be able to handle them all by myself in this patriarchal world.

Yes, other than finances we have nothing much to complain. But when there is lack of finances in every corner of our life, it feels so ruined.

DH's siblings and his parents were behind all my problems. I somehow bring him back to his senses with my preaching about being responsible dad. That works for a while, and he also shows up some improvements until his people turn up only to change his mind.
His dad and male siblings do everything possible to drain their women's family. So that they can lead a peaceful life with zero responsibilities. They even fool my husband saying that he has become a puppet of his wife.
My BIL made my co-sister's parents to buy their home, and pay their children's School fees. Co-sister is earning, and her siblings are always supporting their living. BIL is always bossing around by threatening to leave her. My husband is not that bossy though.

I am trying every corner of the world for a decent job where I could go with kids. But so far no luck.

 

Thanku for your advises.

I knw I cant change him. This is becoming a hardest truth day by day.

After reading your replies, I fought with him a lot. I demanded him some money to run the family, that too consistently.
Sometimes he gives 10K or 15K, and sometimes he will not give anything.
Even if he gives, he won't give me anything in cash. Either he buys groceries (including so much unwanted stuff) or pay the bills.
Since it is not consistent, I struggle a lot to plan my expenses.

I asked him some money to cover up the expenses every month. It is a very basic expectation one could have from her husband. But he makes faces as if I am after money. He even tells that I shout and make his home not peaceful. That is what he wish to run away from here.

My own sisters are home makers and they lead a very peaceful marriage lives. Their husbands give them the needful money everytime and keep them peaceful. But my husband compares me to my sisters to say I am a bad wife who always cries for money.

On the other side, my sisters say I am the reason for my husband's behavior as I don't seem to know the art of living with a man. I feel really offended. After all of my support to this man to run his family, at last I am being the wrong doer to all.

But this time, I am not bothered about this labeling. I strictly asked him to contribute to some expenses 15K if he wants a comfortable life with me.
For my fate, he tells me that his office did not pay his salary yet. I am not sure it is co-incidence or it is a lie.
It seems he is offended, and struggling with no money in hand. He is upset about the financial discussions at home.

My friend told me that my husband is now looking for jobs, and asking others to help.
My MIL came to offer 20K as if husband would have asked a loan from her.
She even hints that how much her son suffers to secure a career, and to provide, but we drain him completely without knowing.

When everyone around me blame like this, I feel as if I have done a crime. Is it really a crime to ask your husband to contribute something consistently to run the family and a comfortable life - as he requires it. I am confused.