How to make my DH realise that I am hurting inside?

Hi,
It's really hard for you to manage when you are away from your family and in no friend situation.But,you yourself can be your best friend.Dont' mind i had analysed both aspect your marriage and i am sorry to say dear that it's not only his fault.It won't be right to blame only him.Don't get angry or sad.Here it go:

Your hubby is mummy's boy so probabaility is really less that he seriously aim to hurt you as it is psychologically proven that boys close to their mothers respect their wives equally.It's his temper that lead him to such an extremities that he hit you.My father had same problem and we all are helping him out and he had really shown iprovement.He is very good father but was not a good husband.Even he has fear that my mom will take all of us on her side and will let him down in future.But,we made him realise that we love both of them and can't love without them.From then he had never said so.His temper is really high and we don't talk much with him when he is angry and after few minutes he cool down.Again.asking for water or tea.Don't let your hubby away from him after fighting.

You hadn't learnt to love him even after 10 years of your marriage and i bet he feel this thing too.May be you wanted sum different type of hubby(as all girls expect caring and loving but what if you don't get) so you had never accepted him like he himself is.He was in u.s for how many years.He might have expected an active as he is as you had told(sorry if i am little bit straight).No doubt he loves you but don't know how to say.Have you ever expressed(remember three magical words I Luv You even if he had fight with you so that he can learn to value you)

You had said that he had supported you and your family and such persons as per my experience(my papa) are really nice at heart and they use to have some internal wounds that they don't know how to express or share.You can't change him by fighting or leaving him as you will equally miss him even his complaints.Your relationship needs love and care.

Try this little tip(only if you wish):
Buy a thanks-giving card for him(or nice hubby some thing that potrait his importance).Write thanks for everything he had given you(u will feel a sense of respect for him).For even complaints write that he had helped in improving you.Present the card to him and address it like to my dear hubby....and put it under anything which he reads or in his draw(where he can notice it).Watchout his expression.Do tell me.So that i can tell you further.

 

Hi Java,
Just read your story, wow, one can live with less comfort, less of anything, but without love.., I can feel your pain.I wish everything were right and you were happy.Relationships are difficult, so don't blame yourself for anything, never take any sort of abuse,just forget the past,your mind ease up and feel fresh.
Few of our IL friends have given good advice, I don't have much to say, but I can say you this,you are a good person, so is your hubby, it is a matter of feeling and expressing the love for each other.Unbiased and passionate love will heal everything in your relationship.Its your life,you can make it happy and only you, good luck my friend.
Love
nivedha.

 

Hi Java:

I was married for 8 years as well and have a 4 year old child. I got married at 22, came to the US within 2 weeks, realized within a month how WRONG the whole relationship was. My Ex was emotionally abusing me from day one and being stupid at 22, I did not realize the difference between "control" and "love."

Every single thing that your husband is doing is "controlling" you. You are smart and have a career of your own. That makes him feel threatened and insecure. So, his way of controlling you is by constantly telling you how wrong you are, how stupid you are and by calling you and your parents names. The last straw, when nothing works, is hitting you. THAT is unacceptable, especially in front of your son.

Tell this to YOURSELF a million times. People who care for one another DO NOT hit each other. You get to live life just once. Leave this man at once. You have a job, you have the Green Card, you have a child. You have every REASON to live without all this abuse.

Leave him and give your son an opportunity to grow up as a normal boy/man. He should not grow up thinking this is how relationships are meant to be.

I feel the pain in every word you have written. I have been separated for a year and am working on my divorce. My soon-to-be ex lives very close by and we have joint custody of our child. I have NEVER BEEN happier in my life......there is happiness in being alone and learning who you are.

Living life on our terms is a luxury for women in this world. Take this chance and show your son what a good mom you can be and that life is supposed to be lived without the "fear" of another person!!

Good Luck!!

 

I have not read all the responses to your dilemma. Since you are located in Austin the information may be very useful to you. Please go to the website DAYA: Serving South Asian Families and familiarize yourself with the organization.
Your husband has the classic symptoms of an abuser.
Alienationg you from family and friends.
Stripping you of your self esteem by pointing out constantly your shortcomings.
Hitting you and your son.
Do you realize that your education has empowered you with taking control of your life.
Since you are financially independent you should ask yourself this question
Am I better off with or without him ? If you answer is yes to the latter start planning your freedom. This is where you can establish contact with DAYA. They will help you and guide you to get away from this abusive situation with your son. Don't for a moment think that you are helpless. Start putting money away in small amounts if you can. Since your family is supportive you may choose to forego this and get them to arrange for money once you have removed yourself from this situation.
DAYA even shelters the women once you leave your husband.
Please call the helpline right away and start planning for your escape.

 

Of all the responses Induskr's advice makes the most sense as she has been there and walked the walk. Please take her advice and chart a path of your own with your son. Definitely the biggest advantage is that you are in US where there are support groups for everyone in every kind of situation.
Recently there was a segment on Oprah winfrey about abused women and what are the steps they have to take to get out of an abusive marriage.
If you can read the excerpts on Oprah.com do so. One thing that was very important was to document everything on a daily basis. Record every comment, every threat in a journal that you keep at your work place in case something worse happens. That will make sure that he will end up in prison. Please have a confidante at your work place who can be of moral support. Biggest mistake is the secrecy of silence. If your sister is close to you take her into confidence. Don't worry about the family honor and such because you have not done anything to bring shame to your family. In case they should be very proud of you if you can stand up for yourself. Don't have any fantasies that you can reform this man. Leave it to these pundits who are giving such advice !
Remember that you come alone into this world and leave it alone. Why this fear to live alone when you are educated and financially independent ? You also live in the greatest country on this planet. Lots of luck to you in your effort to win this battle.

 

JAVA.....I went through a couple of your responses/posts.....you say this over and over again.

"Now the emotional blackmail that my DH makes is, I can leave the house anytime I want, but he is not ready to send my son with me ..."

He has NO LEGAL right to keep your son away from you. I have been through what you are going through and I will put down an action plan for you.....

1. You have gone through enough and you have seen the worst in life. Things could only get better going forward. You have made up your mind to leave him and you are now only looking for a "SAFE" way to do it.

This is not something you can get out of over-night. It will take you 1 or 2 months to plan and get out safely.

2. He DOES NOT need to know that you are going to leave him. He needs to know squat!! If you want to get out of this in one piece, alive, DO NOT tell him your intentions. I am not kidding, many women are hurt or killed when they try to leave an abusive relationship. It is safe to assume the worst and do everything that takes care of your safety.

3. No need to open an account in your name right now.
Find yourself a friend/relative who can lend you some money, without his knowledge. Maybe $5,000. You need this for an attorney, you need some cash to survive the few days until you start having access to your salary. Or as another member suggested, contact DAYA to see how they can help you financially.

4. Find an attorney who will tell you about the laws in TX. If you take your child and leave TX without informing the state, you can forget about getting custody of your child. You have to do this per the laws.

5. The attorney can help you file the papers in the court. Ask him to use ABUSE as the reason for leaving your husband. DO THIS.....you will have an upper hand when it comes to custody.

6. Decide where you will stay when you leave the house. You can either stay in a friend's place or get yourself a furnished apartment. They dont cost much and you will be able to pay from your salary.

7. You just stay calm and continue to live with the ASS until the papers are filed in court. Once the papers are filed, and your attorney confirms this with you, just leave to a relative/friend's place WITH YOUR SON, your GC, your passport, your jewelry, your degree documents, ANYTHING that is important for you. Depending on what happens, you may not go back to your house for a LOOOOOONG time. So, take anything that you think you cannot live without.....your son's favorite toys, books, etc. Don't take any furniture LOL!!

You said he works from home......it might be tricky to get some of these out.....but YOU HAVE to find a way to put away things that are important for you.

8. Once you know you are in a safe place, you can either call and inform him that you have left home or just wait for him to receive the papers thru a Police Officer.....your attorney can have the papers served for him.

9. THE KEY is that you are not around him when he gets the papers or when you tell him you have left him. He should have some alone time for things to sink into him. It is in this initial phase that people end up doing stupid things. As long as you are not around him, you are safe and he will have a chance to think about things and get some sense of what's going on.

THE KEY is to let as many people as possible, know that you have left him. THE KEY is to let the authorities know that he was abusive and so, you have left him. It's when all this is hush hush, that people try to hurt you and quiet you down.

10. Ask your employer to direct your salary into your new account. THERE......this is the beginning of your financial freedom.

11. Your attorney can work out visitations for him with your son. He was the abusive one. YOU have an upper hand in custody.

12. Once he gets his attorney and the court proceedings start, it's business as usual

All this sounds scary and impossible, but it is possible. I DID IT!!!!

A gold medalist like you can do it. It is worth it. Life needs to be lived without fear!! There is so much peace and quiet in my life now, it's priceless!!

All this might sound like you are deceiving your spouse, but hey, you have to do it if you want to live a happy life. He crossed his limits and broke every promise the day he hit you and your child. It's just payback time now!!

Let me know if you have any questions....send me a private message. I will be more than happy to help in any way I can.

LEAVE HIM!!

Once you are done with all this mess, it's time for you to go through several therapies......an actual therapy with a therapist, a retail therapy to shop for some cute clothes, a visit to a salon/spa, etc.....I'll have tons of tips for you

 

hi java

i really pity you for the situation u r r in now.i think its high time u take a bold stand ,u have to stand up for your son,yourslef and your parents,or else wen ur son is much older he will surtelly ask u one day "mama,why did u let this happen,why did u allow dad to take my grandparents away from me,why u did not do anything about" n then its gona be reallt late.

i'm not telling your husband is a bad man,but he is self obsessed n egoistic man,n there might be som reason for why he is like this,may be he had rough father,or some bad childhood,or some friends who made him feel he wasnt good enough.i feel he just trying 2 be perfcet for the world n in this process is forgetting 2 be perfect for his family,though he loves them a lot.u have to to digg his past n find and answer for why he is like this may be u can talk 2 him itself about it,n the best moment for this is while he is sick,or wen after u hve made love,at these time wen however egoistic r little soft.u can tell him,'i want talk 2 u about something but i really want u to listen to it carefullyn patiently n may be start with ur concerns with him.or may be u can write him a big long e-mail,letter ,in it just vent out all u have been buliding in for years n tell him u really wana happy life with him,chnage it all wants him 2 co'operate with u n give a warning to just 2 sacare or u may have to somthing bold n thing of another alternative wich may not include him,sometime it works,hihi.

n ya u should be a bolder person at home too.next time he complains about your food,ask him 2 cook for u one day ,so he can judge him,or just tell him u did not marry a cook but a strong woman.tell him if he doesnt let your son talk 2 ur parents,u r not gona talk 2 his until he does allow the latter.if he lays his hand on u next time just tell u r gona his friends n tell them about it n lte them know u dont respect your wife.but make sure after u have been bold u go back n pacify him later,coz u dont wnaat drive him nuts n lead him 2 harm u or ur son ,coz he is very short tempered na,so take it very slow n easy ok,one bold dose at a atime,so just to make him realise wht he is doing n that he is not perfect to judge u n complain so much about you.

if nuthing works may be u should think of some professional help,womans oraganisation or anything like that
n finally if he goes beyond what u can bear wich i feel he already is

while he is at office justtake one months leave from son's school n ur office,pack ur bags,dont tell ur son anythinh,he might call ur dh
take ur son n leave 2 india 2 ur parents, n teach him a hard lesson n sure leave letter telling "u always hve complains about me now i wont give u a reason for more so i m leaving,u want a life with me u have to reaspect me and my parents,treat me like wife should be and lte me be me and not your imagination.i'm your wife not your slave,u married a human not a robot,so u cant control me ,no human is perfect atleast not you,but i still love you and if u cant love me the way i am ,call me "

its always easy to walk away but its diffuclut to stay and set it right,so i guess even while u tell he is wrong u need 2 remind him u still love him,coz he is the father to your son.u want your son to have his grandparentrs and father present in his life right,so give hima acahnce if he is willing 2 change.keep us posted about what happening.u can mail me personally if u want any one 2 talk too

 

"its always easy to walk away but its diffuclut to stay and set it right,so i guess even while u tell he is wrong u need 2 remind him u still love him,coz he is the father to your son."

I absolutely hate it when someone gives suggestions like this. No woman gets divorced because she WANTS to or no divorce is an easy way out!! What a load of crap......Jeez, I am not saying anything personal against you, but if you have not walked in the shoes of a divorced woman, please don't make statements like this.

Divorcing someone is the hardest decision to make. It's almost like a death.....death of a relationship, death of several dreams, the unknown looming over your head, the guilt, the fear, BUT it is inevitable in situations like this.

Making a change in life is always a tough decision. Continuing to live in an abusive relationship just because it falls within your comfort zone and what you are accustomed to, is a much easier decision than to divorce and embrace the unknowns and seek a life with happiness.

Please stop giving her advise to love him, write letters, dig into his background, etc. She's not his therapist and he's not a 15 year old boy. If SHE had abused or hit him, he would have left her and ran a long time ago.

She is going thru physical and psychological abuse, which is a serious issue. She will have every symptom of depression......don't treat this like some simple fairytale gone wrong story!!

PLEASE stop telling her that HE loves her and her son.
Yes, he loves his son because he is his flesh and blood. He will take good care of him, feed him, drop him to school, etc....WHY? Because he is his son and similar to many sick twisted Indian minds, the boy will take the man's family name forward. That's why!!

And just because a couple gets divorced, that does not mean the child will not have both parents in his life. He will infact have two HAPPY and HEALTHY parents in his life, who just don't live together. You don't need 3 people to make a happy family. The child will have TWO happy homes with parents who are sane and happy......not screaming their lungs off at each other.

Life is too short......stop deciphering and decoding his behavior towards you. You have done enough and it's now your chance to live.

Good Luck!!

 

I am in total agreement with Induskr. I don't know why some of these women think that they are qualified to give any advise if they have never been in a similar situation. Java should get in touch with Induskr and plan her escape from this abusive relationship.

Induskr is absolutely right when she says that fear cannot be a factor in any relationship. Anyone who uses physical might and emotional blackmail do not deserve any affection and love.
Please do not think your life is an experiment for proving your undying love for someone who is not worthy of it. Who knows you may find another chance with a wonderful man. How would you know that until you have walked away from this nightmare ?

Again contact DAYA in Houston as soon as possible. Since Induskr is in your city please take her help.
Good luck

 

Dear Friend,

Ditto to Nadhi's reply.
Get in touch with National Domestic Abuse hotline: you can talk privately or call Saheli, an Asia based organization helping women in situation similar to yours in the US.

Thyla