How to make my DH realise that I am hurting inside?

Dear Java,

Firstly let me extend my heartfelt wishes to you to overcome this phase in your life. Believe me, it will pass. I have been following this thread religiously but did not get a chance to chip in until now.

All my friends here at IL have provided such wonderful advice and the much-needed moral boost that you need.

Please don’t lose heart by thinking you should have been stern at the beginning of the marriage itself and since you did not then there is no hope. That’s not true at all. Sure setting the ground rules at the start helps a lot. But anytime in our life is a good time to change things for the better - it never goes waste. You have so many more years to live and enjoy so the effort in changing things will be worth all the battles you will undertake.

Let me provide you with another angle. My thoughts may sound much lenient but I am going to suggest keeping in mind that you do not want to leave him just yet and try something in the current situation (living together).

You say in one of your posts that you don’t want to take an extreme step just yet. And I agree with you. I think this is normal because you have been submissive for so many years. I think it is difficult, if not impossible, for a person to change so drastically to take the bold step of leaving the house all of a sudden.

If, from being extremely submissive you try to be the exact opposite, I am afraid you might stretch the situation to breaking point without even working on improving it.

I am a believer in giving people a chance to improve before I sign them off. And in my honest opinion you haven’t given him a chance yet. When I say that you haven’t given him a chance, I mean that you have not done much to make him see his bad behavior because you have just tolerated all of this without much of a noise. You have continued to be overly scared of your husband and have been submissive. Nor have you tried to talk to him.

My advice to you would be to take small but sure steps and gradually increase the toughness of your behavior with your husband.

Your husband hitting/kicking you and constantly belittling you is absolutely insane. At the same time it is equally true that you are responsible for letting this happen to you. So let us begin there.

I believe that in any abusive relationship, the abuser and the person being abused reach equilibrium where the abuser keeps abusing knowing that the other person will tolerate it and the one being abused keeps taking it thinking there is no other way out. You have to break this equilibrium.

You need a multi pronged approach to do this. You need to work on yourself and you need to work on your husband. Start with yourself.

First, start acting like an adult who can handle things on her own. Don’t get other people involved just yet. If you want to continue living with him and try to improve things then forget about what happened in the first year of your marriage, the past years etc. Start from today, from right now.

When your husband looses his temper don’t just get upset and angry in return. Instead make him feel like an idiot by not losing your cool, leaving the room and later lovingly asking him what caused such a severe outburst of anger.

I am not saying you tolerate his anger. But if you really want to live with him and make efforts to improve the situation then you must start looking at his anger in a different light. First find out what is the cause of this extreme anger and then think what can you do to help him overcome it. Look at it as a vice you will help him overcome. Have you ever tried to lovingly find out (when he is in a good mood), why he gets so angry?

You said that he and you are quite the opposite. Some people are not able to handle these differences in a mature manner. He seems to be one of those people. He may have disappointments from you that he seems to have bottled up and has let them become bitter. Not that it is right. But some people are like that.

Here are some things you can start doing for yourself -

• - Stop being scared of your husband. You are partners and show it in your behavior. Start talking to him like an equal. Nicely, lovingly but confidently.
• - Think about what behavior(s) at work are winning you the laurels. Are you exhibiting the same at home? If you are not then think which of those winning behaviors you can apply at home and start exhibiting those behaviors at home.
• - De-mark your territory. Define certain areas as “your” areas. May be kitchen, groceries, son’s activities, school etc. When your hubby is in a good mood tell him nicely that to reduce stress on him you will take care of these areas and he need not worry about these. He will appear startled and may even get angry. Just lovingly assure him that it is for the good.
• - When your hubby starts butting in and advising you just keep a calm disposition, smile, try to divert the topic or ignore his behavior. Just keep doing what you are doing. When he starts getting agitated tell him that you are used to doing it this way or you found that this way works good for you etc. But also tell him that you will surely give his advice a thought. Just end it there. You don’t have to change your way and start doing his way. Just assure him you will give it a good thought and that his view is respected. If he gets abusive, leave the room. Once he calms down, be the first one to go and lovingly ask him why he got so upset.
• - An angry person is like a hungry lion that sees nothing but a prey in everyone. But when this same lion is happy, he behaves like a true king – protecting his people and caring about them. This is how your hubby is. When he is angry don’t fall a prey to his anger by engaging in a dialogue or an argument. Later when he has cooled down approach him nicely and show your concern about how this anger is affecting his health adversely and how you want to help him overcome it.
• - Have a talk about what are his disappointments in life – from you, from elsewhere. Give him a platform to vent out and openly express all the bitterness once and for all. You need to know what is it that makes him so upset with you. There is surely something that he is hiding. Get it out in the open. Encourage him to speak. Don’t let him feel intimidated by your anger or tears. Don’t distance him. Don’t ask him helplessly but in way that shows that you are here to help him.
• - Once you know what are the things bothering him you both can have a talk about what you will change, what you cannot change and what you will try to change.
• - Similarly you tell him some of your disappointments. But keep this for later. Let him be the one to vent out first.

For your husband –
It seems to me that other than a bad temper your husband is hyper competitive, “anal” about how things should be done and a male chauvinist to a certain extent.

You will have to work on toning down all of these areas of his.

People have different reasons to constantly correct other people. The most common ones I have seen are –
- They are perfectionists and they expect everyone to measure up to their standards.
- They have an inherent tendency to tell people what to do and how to do it. Sometimes it comes from being the oldest sibling, sometimes from their job profile (he may be managing others etc) and sometimes it is purely a bad habit that has not been corrected.
- They may have some insecurity/inferiority complex that they are trying to cover up by showing off that they are know-alls.
- They hold some grudges against you that they are not able to come out in the open and say. These grudges keep cropping up in this form.
- They simply thrive on putting other people down.
Try to find out what is the reason behind this know-all attitude of his. Don’t simply get upset with him and assume that he does it because he means harm. Try to get to the root of his anger and all-knowing attitude.

Once you know where he is coming from it will be easier to know if he can be helped or not. Based on this you can decide your further course of action.

Java, remember that this is your battle. God has given you an intelligent mind, a good support in terms of financial independence and parents, a lovely son. To a great extent your husband is also good. He is not a jerk for sure. Otherwise he would be treating you badly all the time. So use these positives in your life to devise your winning strategy.

All of us have it in us to rise up to a challenge and make things work in our favor or at least mitigate the negative impact of an adversity. Some of us apply ourselves and some don’t. That is the only difference between success and failure. Of course, God’s blessings are of supreme importance. But I believe that none of us have to worry about not having that in abundance. He always helps.

You can do it!

Wish you all the very best. Keep us posted on how you are doing and what strides you are making.

SS

 

Hi Java,

I did not see your last post until after I had posted my long and detailed reply! J Great to hear that you have a plan to move forward

Good plan to not defend or fight for the parents or for your sister right now.

Also, good decision to separate your salary account. You must absolutely do it. If you trust your husband with money then you could keep it a joint account with you as the primary account holder.

He will get upset for sure with this sudden change but try to make it as smooth as possible for you and for him. But no matter what don’t give it up. Go ahead and do it.

You could tell him that you’d like to open another account (don’t use the word “separate”) for your salary so you guys use one account as a savings/emergency account and the other one to run the household. That will also help you both keep an easy check on what your monthly expenditure is and where you guys stand financially. When it is all one big pool it is much harder to keep a tight grip on expenditure because you see a lot more money in one place.

Plus, the money in the savings account could be put into short term CDs to earn a higher yield.

Other thing you could tell him is that you too need to build your credit history and this is another step towards that. In this country credit history means a LOT so you have to have one.

You might already know this but even in a joint account only one person is the “primary” account holder and he has certain privileges that the joint account holder does not have. So it matters whether you are the primary account holder or not. You must have at least one account where you are the primary.

Secondly, do you a have credit card where you are the primary? This is another one of those to build your credit history. Usually if hubby has been in the country before the wife, they “add” you to the card. This gives you all the rights to use the card. But it does not count towards your credit history. You must have at least one card with you as the primary cardholder.

When we earn money it is our responsibility to make sure we are doing right by ourselves.

You are armed with a lot of information and ideas. Go for it! Have a wonderful day!

SS

 

As Always SS has given her great wise advice. I find her words right on the nail.

But I just still feel that staying with such an abuser , is not good for you and your kid. You cannt fight abuse by enduring or waiting for it to change. These are strong mental sicknesses. No amount of love and patience can change them.

Never empathise with a tormenter. You are sure going to come hurt out of it. Your six months of trying to control his and your temper will be equivalent to your one month of staying away.

If not for marriage , you need this separation for your own sanity. You can never change a person by being in mess with him. He needs medical help. Your behavioral guideline will not do wonders here. This man has grown used to of doing it for years. I personally feel, for breaking years old bad habbits, you need a jerk of separation. Your absence will do bigger wonder than your trying to talk. The change we are talking here, needs to be initiated by your husband. He first needs to realize what he has been doing. It s HE who has to feel the need to change. No amount of talking and bearing can simulate that need in anybody.

I really dont know why we feel so vulnerable to not stand for ourselves. What will you loose if you stay away for few weeks, few months form this Dear husband. What worse will he do? He is already not on talking terms with your family, He s alreday ripping you off your dollars, He is alreaddy doing violence in front of son. Why this amount of affection for such a cruel person? Please keep your love locked out from here. Keep it for yourself, for your son. But you need to handle this guy just with brain.
Why do you care for not hurting him.. When he doesnot.
I personally feel those soft tactics to control temper are for less serious situations. Your situation is not so trivial and light. You need to get this guy's brain shaken. You cannot do that living in the same house with him.

Just my opinion, you dont have to follow it. But just think a bit about it.
Ria

 

Hi Java,

Thanks for your nice words for me. I am glad you are finding the suggestions we all at IL have given helpful to you.

Ria, I completely agree with your thoughts that a person who exhibits extreme behavior like this should be given an extreme treatment in return. I admire your courageous spirit!

I too would have no qualms dumping such a person once I have ensured that I have tried all I had in my control to get him on track.

However, in this case I feel “getting him back on track” part was missing from Java’s side. I think that the resistance from Java was mild compared to what the situation demanded.

Java, did you stand strong and clearly define what behavior is absolutely unacceptable to you? Did you push back hard and say boldly to your hubby “No, you gotta stop this. You are over stepping your limits here”? If you have not defined the limits in strong and bold words and not forced him to adhere to them, then you have not given him much indication about his gross injustice to you.

Second important factor to be considered is how strong you are currently. It is hard to imagine that from being one extreme of almost silently tolerating his behavior, a person would muster the courage to break away from everything. Even if you muster up the courage to break away, are you willing to face the consequences no matter what they may be? When you show courage to take an action you also have to back it up with the courage to carry through this action until its completion. There is no looking back after that.

If the consequence is good, meaning, hubby realizes his mistake and wants to patch up with you then great, all goes as per plan. But what if he says “What the heck, if you have the audacity to take such a drastic step without showing any intermediate reconciliatory measures then I don’t care either”. Are you ok with this end result? Have you thought about how you will handle this?

I am not trying to scare you. And I am absolutely not trying to say that leaving him now for some time is something you should not consider. All I am trying to say is that give all factors due consideration before you take a drastic step.

Good luck.
SS

 

Dear Java,

Hey you have a plan now! Awesome! Now start feeling good and confident.

I know exactly when you say you don’t feel like broaching this subject when things are normal. It is natural. We exhaust ourselves so much during the day that we do need our peace of mind at any cost once we are home.

I perfectly understand how detrimental your husband’s behavior can be to your confidence. But don’t blame yourself for not doing this and that. We all have our natural ways of dealing with a situation. No way is right or wrong. Sometimes things don’t work using our approach and that’s when we seek advice from our friends. That’s all it is. When I asked you pointed questions I did not mean to challenge your way but in fact meant to ask you if you tried these other ways or not. And if you did not, then may be you should think about giving them a try.

It is drilled in our Indian upbringing to be soft and tolerant (to the point of being unreasonable to ourselves). It is not entirely our fault that we are like that. If you have time, please do read a thread I started on this very topic. I think it will help you not beat up on yourself so much.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/17575-does-financial-independence-alone-help.html

I also wanted to add one more caution here. Give all this change some time –several months or more. Don’t expect that just because you strongly tell him he will treat it as a serious matter. Remember, “Actions speak louder than words”. Once you consistently start showing this “take charge” attitude in your behavior he will realize that you mean business. You have to immediately start “walking the talk”.

Also, don’t argue or make it a long sermon when you open this conversation with him. Let it be short, sweet and to the point. Then immediately lighten the mood by talking general topics. You don’t want him to feel like a kid who has been called into the principal’s office and is being bashed right, left and center! All though, I agree that this is exactly what you’d like to do to him right now! J

You want to leave him in a receptive mode as much as possible. Of course he will get upset and will try to push back during the conversation. Don’t let him pull you into another fight. Just plainly state what your issues are and that you want to see some changes.

Another thing, just my opinion…. don’t threaten him by saying “If I don’t see any changes, I will leave you”. I think this sentence has a “giving up” tone in it. You are telling him that you already are anticipating that he might fail. Don’t state this in your first conversation with him. Let it be more of a positive one where your words show that you have hope in him and you are confident that he will try to improve the situation.

On a lighter note, I think you have already started applying your troubleshooting skills at home! You already have a plan to tackle the issue! Look for more such skills and start applying them. Open and persistent communication may be? May be thinking of different ways to get the same point across? May be oozing confidence in at least some areas? Anything that has proven results to you will be a good one to use!

Have a wonderful day!

SS

 

Java,

I totally understand your side. But I feel very strongly that you cannot change this person by yourself. You need to take help of outside situation like a counsellor or a relative or a situation.

His kind of personality people are usually very immature , underconfident and not so successful people. So they keep putting others down to elevate themselves in their eyes. He will NEVER have guts to leave you totally. That i can bet on. Such weak people believe in crawling through life than running.

Dont fall in this vicious cycle of blaming yourself for other's mistakes. You didnt do anything wrong by trying to get over things somehow. You did what anybody would have done. Taking the least resistance path. So there is nothing wrong or right there.
My advice would be, do whats best for you. Be safe.

All the best.

Ria

 

Hi Java,

I don't want to confuse you anymore. I tried marriage counselor for my marriage problems and it was not of any use. I used to end up feeling worse after every counsellings session. Reading lot of spiritual literature and my yoga practice is helping me in coming out of my negativity. I am not there yet but I am much better than before.

Relative is also not a very good idea. Basically your relatives will support you more and his relatives will support him more. This will reinforce your negativity. My husband and I brought in our relatives into solving our marital problems and ended up feeling worse. This is from personal experience and it might be different for each of us. My parents are emotionally attached to me and his parents are emotionally attached to him. So their advice will definitely be biased.

Indus ladies is a great sounding board. Lot of people give really sensible advice. SS gave me a bullet wise workout plan for my problem in my thread and that helped me big time. I am a big fan of SS :cheers

Maybe one thing that might help is changing the perspective. Make your husband recognize how damaging anger and violence are for himself and for his family. He might not take the advice from you. So probably forward some nice articles to him on anger management etc. Just my 2 cents.

I also get angry very easily. Now I have realized my immaturity and folly. I am trying to overcome my shortcomings. SS would have posted a great reply on the thread I started "how do you handle arguements with your spouse". Read it.


Thanks,
Kavya.