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How to make my DH realise that I am hurting inside?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by java, Jan 12, 2008.

  1. java

    java New IL'ite

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    I have been a passive reader of IL and I guess this new year I would really like to seek advise from you folks, as I am far far away from my parents/loved ones and do not get to speak with them as much as I really want to.

    I am married for 8 years now and have a handsome boy who is 6 years old . Right from day one, I never really liked the marriage I am in. I never could love my DH from heart. I realised after marriage that my DH was very short-tempered and demanding and had a lot of male pride and ego which never made me feel close to him. I moved to US 16 days after my marriage and everything was new to me. I was far far away from my parents, had to handle the self-temper of my DH, had to learn to cook and to drive et all.

    It appears that my husband wanted to prove his friends a point that his wife ( that's me ) will learn driving the very first month and he took me on day/night driving lessons and was screaming on the top of his lungs to teach me driving and get a driver's license. Life was hectic and it was a living hell. My DH is a good person and has good qualities in him. He gets me anything and everything I ask for, never cared for the price. He manages the financial aspect of the house and never missed a bill/payment so far. Always plans well ahead and is overly proactive.

    I am just the straight opposite. I felt depressed and lazy and never had interest in anything. My DH complains about every single action that I say or do. It annoys me , annoys me to the core that I feel like if I am really a person who is unfit to do any sort of work. There are a 1000 complaints from him in a single day and always says this is how things should be done. I have argued that everyone is different and they would have their own individuality, but he never seems to listen. Now I am at a point where my brain works only by instructions and not on my own.


    Let me give you a few instances :
    Coffee should be stireed clock-wise not anti-clockwise.
    I speak on the phone with someone and I get corrected on everything I speak about
    Cooking complaints
    He comes to help me on kitchen and gives a whole of complaints about how I run the household
    Complaints on washing the clothes, rasing the child , teaching my son et all


    All I hear is complaints, complaints and complaints. I don't know how to handle this. I am a software consultant and have received awards for my excellent work, but at home he makes feel I am dumb and fit for nothing. I had some good friends here at US and he had messed up on every one of those, that I don't have friends anymore. Once when he knew that I had talked to a friend with whom he had a fight with, he hit me in front of my son. Never once has he said Sorry for what he had done. In 8 years, he never has the memory to remember my B'Day. He also hits my son, when he doesn't listen to him. He always talks at his loud voice that my son and I are scared of him. But at the same time, he takes good care of my son and gets him all that he needs. One other time when we had a fight, he hit me so hard with his legs and when I threatened him I will call 911, he hit me so hard with the phone and again it was a big drama in front of my son. I couldn't understand the person I am with. There is a very narrow line between hate and love in this marriage. Couldn't forget all that he had done or said to me.


    Now coming to the real problem that I am facing. One time when he hit me, I had called my parents in India and let them know. Since my dad and mom were already aware of this, my Dad said , Come back to India. And then I hanged up the phone. My Dad was real angry that he called my father-in-law and expressed his concerns and asked him to send me to India right away. My husband got so mad when he heard about this. He doesn't allow my son to talk to my parents. He doesn't pick the phone when it comes from my parents in India. He uses so much of abusive language on my dad, that my heart breaks. I just sometimes wish I was never born. I work as a software programmer and the only reason I stayed here was we are very close in getting our GC and did not want to ruin it bcos of these issues. It's been 2 years now, and my son is slowly forgetting his grand parents. My father likes my son so much that he is dying to talk to him. I don't know how to fix this issue. He has threatened my son not to talk to my parents. When I get a call from my parents, he gets my son and have him sit next to him until I finish up the call.


    How do I resolve this issue? Can any of you please help me? Bcos everytime I try to talk, he screams and starts blaming me for all that had happened. Since it's an apartment and my son gets scared every time he raises his voice, I just leave the issue there. Please help friends, as I don't have any friends/family here and feel lonely.


    Thanks again for taking your time to read , I am sorry if I got you bored ...
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    This is indeed horrified and painful ordeal for you.

    - Your husband seems to have problem controlling his temper.
    - Despite of being financially capable, how have you allowed him to keep pointing problems in you.
    - By whatever you have said, it seems there was never a time when you two shared a bond of love ..it has always been relation which your husband had taken for granted.
    - You husband is abusive and violent person. Why would you like your son to grow up in shade of fear and violence.
    - You are working and can stand on your own. Dont argue or anything. Just pack your bag and take your son. Live for some months away from him. You dont have to go to India. Just be here in US. Get your green card. You dont have to act good wife.. Until this man gets his act straight.
    - Its about time that you worked towards improving your own and your son's life.
    - I am not sure what role In-laws are playing in this marriage. But just call both side's parents once you have moved out. Tell them you will only go back, once your husband agrees to take counselling for his temper control.
    - Also get him to take medical test.He may be havign some health disorders.
    - dont bring your parent's issue. Currently you need to first re-install your own self-respect in this house.

    Above are some steps I would take for violent husband. Now I want you to reflect on your own beahviour with him..

    - Since when he started this "evereything is wrong in you" preaching
    - Was there any time or any action when he lost faith or he just lost respect for you.
    - How is your relation with his parents. Do they want you to leave him?
    - How is this man with his friends, his parents , in office?
    - Do you give him a feeling that you have no other go but to take his endless nonsense?
    - Have you ever given him a silent treatment..Silence where he would beg you to speak.

    In marriage, always have that basic self-respect on, never ever allow the person to walk over you like a carpet. Take charge of your life. Say NO to nonsense. And give your child the happy and peaceful childhood he deserves.
    Let your husband come down on knees to beg you to be back with him. else let him go. He is not worth the tears and heartaches. When a man hits you with his legs, it should be end of relation with him. You owe this to yourself. Dont be meek and dumb woman praying to husband, parents and in-laws what to do next. You are self-sufficient , educated and epitome of Durga. Take charge of your life and tell its distructors, you will not bear non-sense of anybody.
    Live by your wisdom, dont live by convenience. The same man, once he knows your strength will come down on knees. We women just act too weak in front of our husbands.

    Please help yourself.
    ria
     
  3. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Java, you are being verbally and emotionally abused. Your husband is a control freak and has isolated you from your friends, makes you feel unworthy and abuses/yells to control and intimidate both you and your husband.

    The only real solution is for you is to leave unless he agrees to change. I am not sure how feasible this is to you. A woman I know temporarily went back to India for 2 years between 2003 and 2005. She was in a very similar situation to you. The separation changed her husband for the better. I am not sure if this is an option for you. If you parents are willing to emotionally support you back in India, since you are already employed here and can definitely financially support yourself and your son.

    This may be hard but the longer you stay in this marriage, the more despondent and depressed you will get. A break, even a temporary one, may benefit you.
     
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I am sorry to hear about your story. From what you saying your husband seems like a total control freak and he is abusing you verbally, emotionally and physically. Is he like this with everybody? Does he realize the damage he is doing? You son might grow thinking that it is okay to be physically violent. Couple of things you can do:
    1) Give him an ultimatum and leave to India for a few months at least. He might have taken you for granted and he might be thinking that you are a piece of property he owns.
    2) Have you tried talking to him softly and explaining to him that he needs to mellow down?
    3) People who are angry also suffer a lot inside. They are so wound up inside. This affects health a lot in the long run. If he is interested in meditation probably you can suggest some meditation course like Art of Living or Isha Yoga or Vipasanna meditation. I went to the Art of Living course and I really liked it.

    All the best. I pray for you and I hope things get better for you. Take care.

    Kavya.
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Java,Let me start by telling ,I am more worried about your son .Until you are encouraging your husband's behaviour and keeping quiet,he will feel its okay to abuse wives and for them to keep quiet. He might end up probably doing the same. And coming to your husband ,He took a cue once when he abused you and you keep quiet to continue doing it. Let me tell you I was also in an abusive marriage and the 911 call and temporary separation helped and now from 2 yrs its been better. the normal emotional you did this and your fault b/n us is there. But its not gone to extreme.I am glad I took that step. I think you should consider it too. Because,when i took that step i had become an emotional wreck and was physically weak due to depression. Now i am slowly recovering. I blame my in laws for giving my husband an environment where physically abusing wives is okay.I think a temporary separation and a 911 call will do good here too if you want to consider it. As far as GC it wont be effected if the charge is not extreme like hospitalization due to abuse. You might end up having an interview for final GC approval thats all. When i called 911 i was on dependent visa and didnt know driving and didnt have a dollar with me. Our GC is in process too. Now have a work permit and hopefully GC too. Why dont u try temporary separation and be here in US if you want.
    Take care
     
  6. java

    java New IL'ite

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    Dear IL's,

    Thank you all for your response. I felt very good when I saw many responses from you all. Thanks again!

    Ria,

    Here's answer to your questions :

    - Since when he started this "evereything is wrong in you" preaching :

    Since Day 1 of marriage. If my memory serves me right , I remember when I first got married and when my chittappa had come over here to visit me in US, Iafter dinner, I gave him grapes in a cluster , but I made sure I had them washed. There DH goes screaming at me, saying you idiot ( arivu ketta mundam ) , don't you know the grapes should not be given in a cluster, has to be removed individually and served to others. I was brought up in a well-to-do family and never even thought about someone would raise their voice so loud for such a small issue.

    - Was there any time or any action when he lost faith or he just lost respect for you.

    I don't know how to answer this question. I guess I went into depression right away after marriage , as I am not used to being with someone 24 hours that was this very short-tempered. I failed to do many of my responsibilities as a wife and things just worsened his temper than improve the situtation. And the day/night driving lessons during the first month of marriage was pushing me to the edge. I have to admit I am absent-minded person and tend to forget things easily. I have always liked to study and was a gold medalist at college. I could remember so much of computers, but not much of daily activities, I have a weird brain :) . I guess his expectations of his wife, is not even close of what I was, so he was gravely disappointed in me is my assumption here. So he gradually lost faith/respect for me.


    - How is your relation with his parents. Do they want you to leave him?

    My mil was a good person initially, but then she turned 180 degrees on me and things got worse when she got interfered. But she is no more, she died of cancer 2 years ago. My DH was a mama's boy and my mil's loss was much more to handle for him. My fil is alone in India and he is a good person too. But he supports his son for his activities , at the same time he also advises him to control temper and help me out in household as I go to work. So the one reason I stayed back after the hitting, was because my fil had called me and advised that he wanted me to stay in this marriage and that since my mil is no more, I have to be with him during these times. But I now regret for it, if I had taken a stern decision then , all these other issues that I am facing would not have taken place. Now the emotional blackmail that my DH makes is, I can leave the house anytime I want, but he is not ready to send my son with me ...



    - How is this man with his friends, his parents , in office?

    He has this dual character. His friends in US, he would go do anything and everything for them, and those friends would think, wow he is such a nice person and then when they get close with him , they would know his temper and bcos of his temper he has lost friends here. His parents, he fights with his parents too, and that's the excuse he gives me too, I fight with my parents , so fighting/my temper with you is no bigiee . In office, he always had issue with female co-workers, but with male co-workers, they all have awarded him as the best technical person in their team.

    - Do you give him a feeling that you have no other go but to take his endless nonsense

    When he threatens me that he is not going to send my son with me no matter what, I just go silent. I just put everything behind and move on. I think I have become submissive of this emotional black mail . I think I have put my son through this enough and don't want him to be hurt anymore. All this hitting has happened twice in my life and I made it very clear to myself that this should never happen again. So I avoid all issues that can cause it. He doesn't even have the slightest conscience that his son is watching all this and he will be affected. So I take every effort to make sure that this does not repeat again in front of him. Unfortunately DH works from home, and he stays at home all day, which doesn't give me enough room or private space to think and react.

    - Have you ever given him a silent treatment..Silence where he would beg you to speak.
    This is a very good idea and I have never tried this. But you know what, whenever there is a fight between us , he treats me like a pos and pushes me to the edge. His actions and behaviour would be so worse, that I would only wish that there was no fight between us.


    As many of you have suggested to pack my bag and leave, I do not know how I could do it. Though I earn, I don't have a single dollar on my account. Plus the emotional blackmail of not sending my son with me. So I am planning that if my relatives in US could come down here and talk with him and with their support I need to get out. Otherwise it is going to be extremely difficult for me to handle him alone, as his temper has no limits.

    Well, I have told the bad side of him so far, I have the responsibility to say his good side too. Helps me at household, doesn't make financial decisions without my consent, always thinks about my son' s future and makes every effort to save enough money for his college ( my son is just 6 years old ) , gets anything and everything me/son asks for, handles all the financial bills/payments, drops/picks up my son even if he has a busy schedule at work, takes enough care of my son and makes sure he eats right , gets healthy food .. He had helped my parents financially for my younger-sister's marriage around ten thousand dollars ( my parents had paid of 6000 dollars, they are yet to pay the rest of the money .. I also believe this borrowing of money was one another cause of my parents losing their self respect with my husband ). Since I was fresh out of college when I got married, he encouraged me to take a lot of certifications and helped me find a job.

    That's why I always find it hard, when I have to take a decision. I wanted to try something where I don't want him hurt at the same time put an end to my misery. I always think that I have no love for him, but when comes the moment to leave him I go weak. I feel like I have betrayed someone or have this very odd feeling and sometimes it makes me realise , maybe I love him much more than I think I am .

    I am very confused ... But one thing I clearly realised, I should have stood up for my self-esteem and self respect right from day 1, I failed to do so, now I am paying the penalty :(
     
  7. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear friend,
    i wanted to ask u that if he takes care of ur all needs & u r earning too then why do u not have even a dollor in ur account.see that u keep ur salary for ur self.
    also ,he may threaten that he will not let u have the child if u decide to leave him .but after learning about his abusive nature no court in US or in India will give him custody of the child.
    it would be better if u consult some marriage consular before taking any decision .
    love
    pragati
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    hmm I see.

    First thing, never accuse yourself of any of the blames he has put. Like being absent minded, having weired brain.. These are not good signs. Your psyche is getting affected with this person. I would suggest you take personal counselling too. Most insurance cover this. It will help you see how things around had pushed you in depression. Life need not be such a pain.

    Good part of your husband is not really very rarely great. Most people do all that. But character and temper of a person cannot be forgiven for it.

    Now one thing I am not understanding, why do you want to leave with his sending your son with you. You have to grab your son and run. And I can only say that you will help your husband in long run by doing this. He needs to taste your strength. You dont have to beg for your son to him.Dont even mention this to your husband. One fine day come early from office and just pick your son and leave. When you leave , just leave a note. mentioning you are worried about your house' domestic violence scene affecting your son. Hence you are leaving. You will only consider coming back once your husband takes behavioral therapy for temper control and also get himself thoroughly checked. Till then you want to stay away. also keep a copy of this note with your self. Also mention, you could have called 911 to handle this matter. But you are keeping it between you two to not complicate further. Simple.. No frills, no emotions. You dont have to look up to your FIL, your parents or anybody. You are independent woman. Take charge of your life and help improve it,

    Abotu no money in your account, start exerting your control. Change your password. If you have salary coming in joint account. ask your payroll to not direct deposit this time, Take cheque. Open another individual savings account. I must say you have taken your financial independence seriously. Always have control over your money. you can also take some short term loan to help you set up initially. But get your money in your control. Its sure sign of controlling spouse. For short term, you could borrow some money from some colleagues in office too.


    I can bet all that I know about men and their psyche, your husband will improve in few weeks. This man needs to be alone in his house and relaize his mistakes.
    Please do this early and muster strength. Women are far stronger than they think they are.

    All the best
    Ria
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2008
  9. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Java,

    I can understand the turmoil that you are going through. Don't regret anything in your life. Tell yourself that you did the best to put up with your husband and now this all your can take. You seem to be a very soft and kind person. A part of you still loves him and so you don't want to leave him. If that is the case then you need to help him to get rid of his violent behavior and you have a responsibility towards your son. And above all you owe something yourself. You have a right to live a happy life.

    Write down an action plan with a definite time line on when you would want to see the problem solved. Right down each action you are going to take to make things better. Start down from the most mild action item to the most stern action.

    1) The first step should to make him realize the detrimental effects on anger on himself and on his family. When a person is angry the first person who suffers is the person who holds the anger. Anger triggers a biochemical response in the body and the stress affects health in the long run. Here is an excellent article on anger and negativity. Probably forward this to him. The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation
    Make him get to a state where at least he realizes his anger is a big problem.
    2) Encourage him to take some meditation practice. I am also a very short tempered person. I lost my temper easily and really regret it. Now I am trying to correct myself. I recently took up the Art of living course and I am finding the breathing exercises to be beneficial. There are lots of other courses like Vipasanna meditation, Isha yoga etc.
    3) If he refuses to agree on step 1, tell him that you feel you are going into depression and you want to separate for some period of time. Be stern on this. Do not be weak. He will definitely not agree to it and he may start emotionally black mailing you. The truth is that the laws in India and US favor abused women. So it is not very easy for him to gain custody of your son if you prove that he has been very physically abusive.
    4) Try the silent treatment. Do not budge come what may. I am pretty sure that when you give him silent treatment he will do anything possible to gain your attention.
    5) Open a separate back account change your direct deposit. Start talking to a lawyer to find out your rights. If you just pack your bags and run to India in a divorce case they can charge you with child abduction.

    You know your husbands nature best. Some guys listen better when they are approached softly. Some guys realize things only when you take a stern action towards them. Do your best to hold your family together. If nothing works don't feel guilty about leaving him. Be strong and bold.

    Personally I feel it is a bad idea to involve parents or in-laws. They both end up being overly biased towards their child because of their love and affection. So they end up creating more problems and leaving us bitter. This is what happened in my marriage. It is better to even get a neutral person like a friend to speak then relatives.

    Also I do not know if it is a good idea to call 911. I think it is better to just leave the marriage instead. Think about it and do what is best.

    All the best. Always write back whenever you need more support. We are all with you.

    Take care,
    Kavya.
     
  10. nadhi1

    nadhi1 New IL'ite

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    Hi Java,

    I agree with Ria's last post to your concern.

    Also, your local domestic abuse intervention services will have free legal advise assistance- please have a chat with them privately.(You need to be aware of where you stand legally)
    Make sure he understands that you mean business when you trial a separation....gentle attempts to reason rarely works with this sort.
    Given that you're an independent person, I do believe you'll get more support and empowerment if you stay on in the US as opposed to moving to India at this stage.
    Take care of yourself and your son in the meanwhile- your mental health and well being is critical for your child's well being.

    Nadhi
     

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