How To Make In-law Relations Truly Good - Is It Imposible?

That defines almost 95% of indian MILs

Your MIL is typical mil.
I'm highly educated, smart, intelligent and my mil is uneducated, cant even go outside anywhere alone without my dh or her dh...yet she has the audacity to interfere in my life.

I was like you too in my initial days of marriage. I respected them a lot thinking how they had educated their children (my dh and my sil) despite they being uneducated but later i got to know this is the major drawback.

In general mils are jealous and posessive of losing hold on their son n kitchen/house once dil enters ... Top of it if you are highly educated, they are constantly in fear that you will outsmart them n take their son away.

I too used to bring gifts fr them n cook whenever i met them (i am an excellent cook btw)... Yet she always commented "this is not done this way in my house".... "No, we dont eat this"...."you should do it as per my way of cooking"...etc...

I got fed up.... So i entirely left the kitchen to her and told my dh.... anyhow your mom doesnt like the way i cook. I cook in my own way. So its better ur mom only cook.

After this she never asked me to cook lol. Even if she did, i used to refuse.

N i used to sit with her and talk but her views and mine are totally opposite.
I'm broad minded and modern n talk of gender equality while she is typical mil who sees saas bahu tv soap operas n always says male is superior and females are inferior.
She will casually comment how the neighbours dil is working but she does all housework n pujas n then nly goes to work etc....

So i gave her back on face that every person is different and has free will to live life as they want.

But similar negative interactions between us caused me to withdraw myself as i can't be quiet without back answering on wrong and hurtful commentd so i reduced my communication.

They complained to my dh who asked me to atleast go sit for few mins for formality and talk to them. But i clearly told him, their views and my views do not match n their hurtful comments i cannot bear.

Such incidents along with already damaged relation betweene n in-laws have now resulted in permanent damage of our relation.

Maybe i should be more patient and pick my battles but im intolerant to bullsh!t.

Op, i may not be best to advice you but all i can say is...every mil is same like urs.
You should be lucky as they dont stay with you. Just bear for temporary period.
Dont buy gifts for them if they dont appreciate.
Just do your bit of duty towards them. Dont bend backwards nor be rude.
Try to sit and talk to them for formality for few mins even if you dont like.

Yes, even if mil's know it all attitude irritates you... Just dont react....instead say everyone has different ways of doing things n leave at that. Dont drag.

 

Lol this is so true. I hardly cooked before marriage. But just had some basic idea seeing how mom does. When I was preparing chapati she is like omg you shouldn’t prepare so big chapatis. And my son won’t like if it’s too big. No one prepares like that . In my mind I’m like wat nonsense who on earth prepares such tiny tiny chapatis as if preparing it for toddlers. Now I’m preparing chapati the way I used to prepare and her son dint complain either
And God she puts so much oil for everything I feel like .
She is a good cook though. But she wants to be prepared only in her way. Think most of the MILs are like that.

My DH is of types you have come to my family so you should learn and cook
like my mom. I’m like .

So I was thinking I need to take my DH to my parents house at least for a week and follow rules of my parents like how Genelia took Siddharth to her house in Bommarillu movie.. Then they will know the pain that it’s not so easy for DIL to adjust so quickly !

Same problem with me. I lose my cool easily and very intolerant to such craps .

 

I can understand how bad your situation is. Don’t interact too much with them but keep only minimal interaction.
For such people whatever we do is like some big mistake! Don’t give a damn.
You know what you are.
Whatever they say stop taking it to your heart!
Since they visit only for 2 months maintain pleasant atmosphere when they are around .

Some men are like that and we can’t expect much from such people.

 

Try to lower the time of the stay . I know it’s easy said then done but u need Some time..
do not give importance to ur mils words she must be jealous that’s y she says those things to u and make u feel depressed ..u r beautiful the way u r..
don’t give her the opportunity to play with u. Many of these lovely Indus ladies and my friend had advice me this don’t let her get into ur life staying so far but I always let her get in and I suffer so u make itself strong..
U don’t like it don’t dress up but I sometimes feel when we dress up and have a simple makeup go get nails it will make me feel good ..try that .
My mil is good at cooking but I m way better then her she tried to do that to me at the early years of marriage I was naive did not understand y I would just listen to her and say yes but as guest would come since I liked to cook my way the loved and complimented so she had to shut her mouth and these days mil goes on YouTube to get recipe and do something new ..it took me years to understand y she would do that..

 

Haha in this regard I may be lucky but only because my dh knows even if earthquake comes, I will not budge once I decided something.
I told him either you go tell your mom to let me cook my way and support me...or if you dont have that guts then I am not going to cook anything at all.
So he chose to be mum and I chose to not cook.

I have faced all these comments 'you are in our family now' ...''u should learn the rules and way to do things as per our family"... 'our side we dont do puja like this ...".... Etc etc

I was quiet for first few months but later i spoke up...
1. I am also a human being raised by parents just like you..if you have your way of doing things i hav my own ways ... I just married in your family...i didnt marry your whole family.

2. Marrying doesnt mean i will lose my whole identity of the 20yrs+ life and suddenly adapt as per your family wishes. I married to share my life with life partner and build my family with husband n kids...not to lose my identity and become a new person just to fit into your family.

3. Compromises and adjustments should be two ways for relationships to survive in a marriage especially. Be it between husb and wife or between dil and inlaws if they are going to live together.
Expecting one side compromises sacrifices and adjustments while the other side just bullies or demands etc...is unfair.

These above points i discussed with my dh...n hence he has let me be myself. Thatd why I'm bearing my dh despite all the **** he does like hiding frm me abt finances n not being transparent to me , being a total immature mommas boy even nw...sharing 1st all with his mom dad than me....i get frustrated n we fight he doesnt understand... Ahh long long way to go to win over husband n make him a man from a mommas boy...

 

Op.....Why are you feeling guilty for protecting yourself?

If they are not living with you,do not let her take over the house when she comes.
Tell her she has cooked all her life and now she should rest when she visits.

If she says " we cook or we do it this way " .....calmly and firmly tell her " we do it this way" .....thereby establishing your ways as acceptable ways in your family.

If she criticizes you personally....tell her you have already heard this from her many times.....you know that she does not like anything about you and you have learnt to live with that.Do this calmly and politely. If this happens in front of husband...that is even better.

If she pouts and complains to others......say the same in front of others.

Stop giving gifts. Tell your husband to buy for them .

Op...she is not your mother. She is related to you by marriage .Your husband would sleep peacefully even if he had bad relationship with your parents

You can live guilt free not having good relations as long as you are respectful and they are well taken care of . Let husband take care of their emotional needs.

Stay away and don't let her bruise you because that is the only way she feels secure.

 

When I told the same thing he kind of agreed!

Yes we need to have lot of patience for this . Though he is not a complete mommas boy . Phew !

 

Possible to improve relationships with inlaws if
A) One shares a good relationship with spouse and makes extra effort to work things out with his parents
B) In laws are fairly reasonable people. Minor faults in personality can be overlooked .