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How to make him see sense!?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by smritisinha, Jun 12, 2013.

  1. ohara

    ohara Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    I would like to do this atleast once :)

    If you can watch TV and laugh loudly when someone is screaming at you :bowdown
     
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  2. cuppcake

    cuppcake Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    Hi Smriti

    Am sorry to know that you're going through this, have always seen you in the bubbly and happy mode.

    Like some of the posters here have pointed out, its your husband who's the person who has to take a clear stand here. No amount of taunting, shouting matches or quid pro quo treatments with MIL, however tempting they may seem, can solve this problem, if at the end of the day your husband does not see your point of view and blames and accuses you for something he can see with his own (intelligent) eyes is not your fault. I know how utterly heartbreaking that is.

    So its the DH that needs a rude jolt, as Anita pointed out. For that you have to be ready for the consequences, and decide if what you are going through is hellish enough and absolutely unbearable to go for a very strong stand.
     
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  3. cuppcake

    cuppcake Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    To add-

    By taking a strong stand, I mean that you will have to find out if your husband has the same view on this. It is important to know his stakes in this relationship with you. He will 'see sense' only if he has enough stake, otherwise the chances are remote. If he does agree with his mother on this, it's a rough road ahead because abusive MIL will not change. I think it should be made clear to him that you cannot be the ideal DIL, whatever that means in his and his parents dictionary.

    If you decide to ask your husband, what's his take on this ultimatum is, do so with confidence and firm politeness. It's a very delicate question to ask and you will be asking him to take sides. But in my opinion better sooner than later, if everyday is a torture for you. At the same time, assess whether you would be in a mental state to accept his response, and what your stand would be in return.

    Also, an aggressive approach with MIL will drain you and eat away your energies, and give you more pain if you're not used to this kind of thing. Some people are alright with a tense situation at home, for some it may be unbearable. So before declaring an all out war, make sure it doesn't end up making you ill and giving you more heartburn.
     
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  4. smritisinha

    smritisinha Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    I have not yet been able to assess that very question.

    How much is at stake for him? What will he do if he knows its about taking one and only one side now?

    Yes. Taking an aggressive stand against her will ruin the peace (whatever little amount there is) and it doesn't attract me. Its not that I am unable to handle tense situation, but right now, I am not prepared to go to war.. And unless, I am too sure that is what I want to do, it will be looked upon as an empty threat because I wouldnt be able to put too much conviction on that.. And later, when indeed I ask him to choose a side, it will be like rerun of that fake threat and he wont believe me..
     
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  5. Pallavi4me

    Pallavi4me Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    Smriti,
    Though I dont reply much in your threads as the issues are much beyond my head... I thought about you occasionally and wish you strength and good luck.
     
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  6. cuppcake

    cuppcake Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    True..and it's only you who can figure out that question. There are limited options- either you ignore MIL and learn to live with this or go for war. I don't know if there can be a semi-war ( may be like a cold war) kind of option because I can't do it and i don't know how it works. Or maybe something like Gandhiji's passive resistance, where you listen to everything but refuse to act upon it, do as you please and be ready to handle the brickbats.

    Besides, the aim is to have a cordial and happy relationship with the husband, so a cold war with MIL may still not resolve the issue. Is it possible that your husband could agree for counselling to eliminate the possibility that he genuinely does not see your point of view.

    Maybe you could consider the possible pros and cons of everything you plan to do and then decide on a course of action and follow it ruthlessly, whatever it may be. Because anything is better than a halfway house and feeling stressed out, unhappy and helpless all the time (jmo).
     
  7. smritisinha

    smritisinha Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    I agree. Will work on that. :)

    Yes, I plan and plan what to do and then chicken out at the last minute. I need to follow my plans ruthlessly. You're right.
     
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  8. outofthebox

    outofthebox Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    Why do you sound so much like me!!! That ruthlessness in me has died down, because of which whatever I say and do seems like an empty threat...Good that you are not willing to take action until you are sure of. I made that mistake, and now need to take a detour - Reading your thread is helping me too !

    Even I have also been making the mistake of only blaming my MIL, but its high time that I focus on the right person to attack - the Shravan Kumar of my home - so-called husband!

    Where's bubblygal!!!? She has that courage in her to handle these kind of situations so well, wish I too had some of it !
     
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  9. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    I see a silver lining to this cloud. Since your MIL is loco, treat her like one. Don't listen to her blabber and if she complains give the same reason as your DH 'She has mental issues'.
     
  10. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to make his see sense!?

    Hugs to u dear for going through so much! Your MIL has lost her brains completely, seeing her ways I feel mine is still in her senses that at least she won't utter the D word in our marriage.

    Your MIL will never understand anything, it's only ur DH who can get some sense and handle her but he is being a jerk and justifying his mother's nonsense and drama asking u to ignore. It's hard, but u need to take care of urself and avoid being affected mentally and emotionally.

    He is saying that ur MIL is suffering from depression so she utters all this nonsense. Then her depression needs to be treated, coz depression patients can be violent or can have suicidal tendency. Maintain distance with MIL, and tell DH that hearing u, ur MIL gets violent and starts saying things etc etc so better u keep distance. When she shouts, don't respond, walk out or close ur bed room door (u need to ignore her words as per ur DH). Tell him that u can't see that nonsense and be happy, and does he want u also to get depressed like his mother?

    Ignore MIL and give the reason given by ur DH - her suffering from depression to maintain distance. For ur health and for ur well being, u need to take a stand. Your DH is acting like a jerk and he needs a subtle lesson on this. Marrying her DS hasn't given his mother the right to walk over you!
     
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