How to make egoistic and stubborn husband care for my feelings?

You are the best judge, now that its hi-time that you need to decide on this relationship. He is definitely not going to change. All your efforts will prove futile. How long have you been married?

 

Hi Molly,
Hugs!

So Sorry you are being treated that way.. and I know what you are going through.... BUT..

YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE ELSE CARE FOR YOU....

I'm sure its been sometime into the marriage and this issue.. 10 days.. no reaction?? I dont understand how or why they make such a situation possible, and when questioned they would only say "She started it!"

Men of our culture think of ego as part of their masculinity! hence they dont even know why it needs to be shed!

Molly, be light on yourself... consider marriage as just one part oflife and there are so many other parts out there that can be focussed on! Get a job get independent! DO NOT BEAR PHYSICAL/VERBAL ABUSE! HE HAS NO RIGHTS TO DO THAT! When he starts just switch off yourself as if he's talking to the walls! and if he irritates grab your shoes and keys and go for a walk! As for care, no one can care for you better than yourself so start doing it yourself... it does give you happiness and a sense of fullfillment! And last but not the least try not to feel guilty of ignoring/not caring for him, he doesnt deserve it and i believe he asked for it in the first place! If he questions your behaviour be clever and say "Oh! i actually thought you were comfortable that way, since you went on with it for so many days and i too have been trying to adjust to it! Anything for you honey!!"

 

Ask him these questions point blank - does he love you? what exactly is his problem? is he willing to change?
If he has disappointing replies to all of these, then ask him what he thinks about separation? That should give you the answer.

 

I have an uncle like this he is 57 now, my aunt is 52, their 2 kids are in late 20's and both working (all 4 in US).
My uncle when young was a v good student went to IIT worked in India for 10 years was v successful. Then moved to US couldnt adjust with work culture here, stagnated in career and became bitter. He is v v egoistic (he was egoistic when he was young too my dad mentioned) I noticed he always wants to prove himself superior to everybody, even his wife - even in public. Eg his wife my aunt would say something normal eg "you know we celebrated ur uncle's 50th bday and I planned the dinner in restaurant and inviting everybody but ur uncle wasnt smiling etc etc". In response a normal person would maybe smile or say ya that was a great party or something but my uncle said ya ya u paid for the party with my own money that is why u saw me frowning, you toh dont earn anything urself....

So mean, doesnt the thought count, and the party is just once in a lifetime not every year and he earns quite well. He was like this always puttng down my aunt in public always argueing in front of me with my aunt always trying to show off he is soo superior - even in public! I was so shocked and told my aunt what's happening. My aunt said ur uncle is like this earlier when he was young he was even meaner n more egoitic always wants to put me and everybody else down. I told my uncle you know what uncle some men are so egoistic they do not have enough intelligence to understand that sometimes listening to your wife, respecting her in the short term gives off so many benefits in the long term keeps for a happy married life, only somebody who is stupid will not realize this. He was angry and said these days young ppl dont know how to respect elders...i said if the older foks are dumb then the younger ones have to step up and show the path.

Looks like your husband is similiar, he is blind in his ego that the does not even realize that this is not right behaviour with wife. Being soft and respectful to wife brings so many benefits in the later years. Chances r your husband is always in a battle mode even with other folks at work, acqaintances etc always trying to prove his superiority, and he carries over that fightercock attitude to you too. Chances are he has an inferiority complex and to cover this up he tries to act as if he is no 1.

My opinion, if he is in his late twenties, early thirties now this disrespecting you, ego, not caring at all will continue till late 50's atleast when the man's testoterone hormones start falling off a bit and the man starts to cool down a bit. My uncle in his late 50's is still so aggressive always hammering away at his wife i cant be in their presence for than 30 mins at a time seems to be someone is physically hammering me with a hammer his words are so bad, and his aggression is not even targetted at me but to his wife I am a bystander even then I get so upset i shudder to think how my aunt went through this for 36 plus years nonstop my god!!!!

Ideally divorce would be ideal solution because in my mind he is not going to improve simply because he does not understand what he is doing wrong he thinks this is normal, this man doesnt even know what a romantic relationship with love looks like (probably when growing up he saw something similiar in his own family this relentess verbal hammering at wife by husband and not caring rel between hub and wife). This verbal hammering is going to continue at least till the 50's if not more.

If you do not want to divorce i would say focus very strongly on getting a education (mba, ms if you are in US) getting a job focusing on ur career making ur own friends and making urself happy coz i dont think ur hub can make u happy, you have to live in a namesake marriage for society. Sorry to paint a bleak picture, this is based on what i have seen with my uncle-aunt. All the best.

Edited to add: just saw your post saying this is love marriage, interestingly this aunt uncle too had love marriage in 80's he was so handsome she was so bful he went to IIT she did MA in English from top university both same language, caste etc. seemed like a match made in heaven but this is the situation today. My aunt said before marriage he was great always writing letters coming down from IIT for short visits surprising her gifts etc. but within few months of marriage the real egoistic nature came out. Again, all the best!

 

Men are very clever Molly! Or you can say more focussed! And their focus is on being proved right! So they will try by hook or crook and see that they never come in a position to apologize or admit they were at fault! The rosy days of being in love arent gonna come back So stop hoping for it! And dont be shatterd or anythng theres no need to be! Childhood was time spent good! but we've come to terms that its over! just come to terms with this too! Once you accept that its ok(Hard to do i know, but you got to!) you will find it in your heart to do lots more things wih your life!

What you can hope for is a matured relationship with this guy! And for that you need to be a l'll mature yourself! Stop crying/pleading it has no effect on them! and that makes us more like a kid in front of them! like a kid who needs to cry it out and then forgets all about it after sometime! No molly they dont realise that it hurts and that we dont forget! Men in our country arent raised to be sensitive and hence they are not! We're nuts for not understanding that! Men hate responsibility! after marriage we are their responsibility! and thats how they lose their rosyness! thats why its better to be independent, they feel less burdened! Next when he sez rude things dont let him! go to the loo n turn on the shower! when he is done yelling.. clearly tell him that was not done... would he have yelled in his office? at a boss? at a coleauge then why yell at you? If this doesnt make him think about it then completely ignore his yellings! see it like a 2yr old boy throwing a tantrum!
As for expecting a patch up.... ask him why he doesnt try (not when yr upset but later)! Chances are he's gonna say he knows you'll do it.. or something of the sort where he thinks its not worth the effort! so then you can stop your efforts too... after a fight, take some time to cool off and behave as tho nothing ever happened and begin a casual conversation!