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How to make DH shares everything with me...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by CuteTechie, May 8, 2009.

  1. CuteTechie

    CuteTechie New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    Could you give your suggestions for me to improve my communication with my DH and his with me.

    Initial days of my marriage,he used to share everything with me.But, bad on my part. I did not know how to talk to husband and in-laws. I used to comment on my in-laws,his relatives whenever he tells any issues to me. But, I swear this was not done intentionally. I used to move and talk with him casually just like with one of my friends. Even he did comment on mine when I say anything.

    But,these days I am observing that he is hiding everything from me. And if there is any need to tell,he is telling ulta-palta like manipulating things. Though,I am not commenting now and keeping normal face without any anger, still he is not ready to share the truths with me.

    Please tell me your ideas on how can I make him to share with me everything just like as he was before. I know this will take time but I want to work in a right way with your great suggestions.

    Thank you so much.
     
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  2. Kalyanie

    Kalyanie New IL'ite

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    Don't worry dear... work hard and stay positive, things will turn well soo:)
    Its nice of you that you have already understood the root cause of your problem, so it would not be difficult to solve it.

    Be patient with your DH when he hides things, at the same time be vigilant of all the happenings around you. When both of you are relaxed, just talk about the matter and see how he reacts. But don't throw any complaints or critisism against his relatives, rather assure him that you are ready to support them when they are in trouble.
    Keep on asking him of all the info you receive from out sources, but be very patient and soft whe you coment about.

    Also show him that you share everything with your hubby and expect the same from him too.... I am sure, gradually he will change.. Good luck
     
  3. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    How long since you married ? If it is less than 2 years.. then just repeat loud PATIENCE !

    It happens over time.. As a new bride it is always better to be a good listener and watch things. It is wise to know first when we need to start talking.

    However, you said he is ' manipulative ' when he conveys something. How do you know that ? Are you aware of the incident much before he tells you ? The why ask ? WHy dont you ' discuss ' instead ?

    Admit it that earlier both of you were so funny to comment on each others' relatives when you hardly knew them ! Tell him, it wasnt right from the both of you. Just laugh over it.

    You be transparent about everything you have to ' tell ' and
    ' get to know ' about. He will too in due time. The more you are inquistive and pretend to not know things, the more he is confused and manipulative ! So, start being at ease first.. he will join you too !

    No matter what, you must know for sure that he is a good guy and will go along with you forever. Once you know his mind and intentions by heart , communication will just happen !! :)

    Take care..
     
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  4. CuteTechie

    CuteTechie New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your suggestions Kalyanie and Preethi...
    They are very very valuable to me...Since I had no facility to check and respond,I could not reply all these days...

    It was 3yrs since our marriage. In this period,everything happened between me and my DH which should not happened between husband wife. We stayed seperate for 1year without talking to each other and in different countries.
    Ego problems...

    Now,I realized that it is due to my lack of intelligence and need to stand up for myself. Started to make my marriage successful.
    Everyone say that my DH is a good guy but I do not know how to handle. I admit that I do not know. But, I am trying very hard.

    Thanks a lot for your suggestions...
     
  5. anugamit

    anugamit Platinum IL'ite

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    Even me..:drowning...I am married for 4 years now. DH initially used to share with me a lot but now he ignores me...even if i ask him he pretends as if he has not heard or just say "nothing" and changes the topic. He talks over phone to his SIL and MIL for hours but never tells me anything what i hear him talking to them. I feel frustrated and do not ask him then. but now i feel ignored so i ask him again and again, still he does same. My ILs are same, they never share with me anything unless i ask them. how to overcome this ignoring behavior of DH...also ILs...they make me feel outsider and i feel like i am not required at all...they do themselves whatever they want to do....We don't live with ILs, visit them every 3-4 mths.
     
  6. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello CuteTechie and Anugamit,

    I guess there is a phase in every woman's life such as this. Like Kalyanie and Drpreethis have already mentioned, a little patience and a bit more of communication will always help.

    In my opinion, I believe guys have this reservation about sharing too much, unlike us ladies. They might be OK with it first, but changing their mind about it isn't that difficult for them and its not a fault either.

    A husband and wife should be open with each other. If he ignores you in matters you are concerned, yes that is bad. Else just let him be. You'll have loads other topics about each other to share and talk.

    Cutetechie,
    looks like you've already worked out your matters for yourself. That is something!! Wish you the best with making your married life even better.

    Anugamit,
    If you think you feel left out in your own husband's family, you should probably just try calling them more often and let them know you are a part of them. You can make yourself feel closer to them by keeping in touch with them, without your husband being the link in between. And you could mention it casually to your husband that you are willing to be a part of it all.
    Besides you say they are not with you and that you visit them only once in 3~4 months. So what is the problem here with your husband? If you have a regular life with him in all other respects and this alone in the problem, you might as well ignore it.

    Just listen if at all he decides to tells you about it all and do not comment on it unless it concerns you, I know from my own experience that this will always help.

    Good luck.
     
  7. anugamit

    anugamit Platinum IL'ite

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    Tanoshi,

    I do call my ILs once every 7 or 15 days and in between if i feel that DH is not sharing with me something so i ask my MIL (since she is very talkative she tells me). Sometimes i feel like i am ignored by them and not called up why should i call them. Initially i used to call them very frequently but now bcoz they ignore me i feel my ego hurt. Even my SIL never calls me but she will talk to my DH a lot and even my kid. They will talk to my DH and DH tells them everything about us. They will talk to my DS on phone but not me. When i feel like i am being left alone i call them.

    I think i am being a bit egoistic here. This is becoz my DH never calls my mother and has not good feeling towards her, so i feel like why should i bother about his parents even if they are good to me. Am i taking this too seriously? DH is not very caring towards me and never shows love. He is self centered.
     
  8. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Boss, cool down. I've been with my husband and I have known his family for more than 9 years now and they are no different from what you are saying here.

    Just let go..don't think about what he thinks of your family or if you are being egoistic. We all have our little friend, EGO sitting inside us, popping up at the most inappropriate moments and if it was not for it, the world would be much better place..lol BUT keeping it under control is possible.

    As of now you are in good terms with all of them from what I have read. Be that way. Next time they call and when they are talking to your husband or son, pitch in, ask your husband to hand over the phone to you and talk. Talk about the same stuff you feel your husband isn't telling you. If they are calling when you are not around, you call back when he is around. It might be difficult once or twice, but am sure it'll get better with time.

    I have noticed that my husband does not like to discuss family matters more than ONCE, and he walks away to the next room with his phone when he is talking to his people! He thinks its beating about the bush THE LADY WAY..I know that angers me so much, but that is THE MAN way to deal with stuff....Ignoring the issue altogether..he he I get back the phone and discuss the same stuff in front of him and at the end of the day I know it wasn't exactly a "military secret" or the "nuclear bomb launch code".

    And husband not caring or being self centered, there are so many threads saying this - be calm, do more stuff together and draw him out. I am still doing that with mine!!

    All the best :)
     
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  9. anugamit

    anugamit Platinum IL'ite

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    Keeping our ego controlled is what and where we are adjusting....only WE (DILs) have to bend down.....sometimes i feel very low.... you know when we try to give them more importance by calling them more frequently, asking their opinions, or care for them (just to maintain relations), they make us more down by avoiding or ignoring us. I think 4 years is too short marriage span to understand ILs and even DH. Anyways, i will try your suggestion.
     
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  10. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Anila,

    Never think low about yourself dear. There is no one inferior or superior in a family.
    Its not that the daughter in law has to stoop down low to please the others in the family. Its that one of us has to learn to let go and be more generous. If its you, you should be proud about being so accommodative. if its them, its nice to know you have a caring family.

    So take it easy and hope it all works out good for you. All the best.
     
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