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How To Make A Marriage More Equal Instead Of Burdening The Bride And Her Family?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sweety127, Aug 16, 2021.

  1. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am writing this post after a deep retrospection and my inability to digest certain facts..

    Mine was arranged south indian marriage, no dowry involved but I was v unhappy on my marriage day and when I see my marriage album I get a lump in my throat out of agony as to how I missed being happy on the most important day of my life..mainly because if the following:

    1. The only thing the grooms side did was come to the marriage well dressed with a saree and mangalsutra...my parents were running here and there tired making arrangements and attending to the guests...while my husband was surrounded by his mom and sister, none of my dear ones were on the stage with me till the last moment...

    2. My Husband's family was indeed not v happy about certain things and had the audacity to show faces and complain..I was fuming inside..if you don't contribute you should have the decency to not complain... I felt like an object unable to express my emotions...

    3. I was taken to their home immediately after marriage. The entire environment was v new and alien to me...Though husband was supportive, it was still a difficult transition phase both physically and emotionally...while there were only minor changes in my h's life, there were drastic changes in mine...

    To be frank, I was not sensitized about what marriages actually are and I thought love is the only criterion to get married. .my middle class traditional parents shut my mouth every time saying this is how things are meant to be...I was not smart enough either at that age to say no..

    Even after 10 years, the associated unpleasantness is still so fresh.

    I am also a educated working human being made of flesh and bones just like my H except for the fact that he is male...that one difference turns out to be a great privilege in this society..being a mother of a daughter, I am just unable to digest it...it seems like the saying common sense is not so common!

    What I felt from the entire experience is that the customs and traditions are all in favor of the groom...but why is it even that way in our country majority of the times?
    What can be done to make marriages more happy in general apart from the primary aspects? For girls like me..

    1. Maybe if the groom and bride shares the wedding expenses and plan the wedding instead of parents doing it for them..

    2. Living separately close to both set of parents and giving equal weightage interms of support, availability etc to both of them...the girls parents have also invested so much love in bringing her up..what makes their love inferior to that of son's parents that she has to leave her house all of a sudden one day just because she is married?

    3. No dowry, gifts, blah blah in any forms should be forced on either sides...

    4. Equal division of house hold chores and responsibilities. When a woman can work like a man or even better than a man in offices , why are some men unable to even enter the kitchen or raise children?

    5. Have clear communication with the groom regarding your expectations about marriage and future life together rather than talking sweet nothings for hours together..

    6. If you can earn, so can you manage...financial independence is really important...

    How can we be a progressive community if the society forces half the population to adhere to certain customs and traditions that is beneficial only to the privileged sex?

    Pl add your views...this might be helpful for unmarried girls to get a perspective...
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2021
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  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    it is the mentality that 'girls are inferior' needs to change. i am a daughter and a mother to a daughter. it is not just the parents of grooms who need to change their attitude. what use is that when a woman's parents think the same way? Self esteem and self respect is inculcated in childhood, that is, by parents - especially mother when it comes to a girl child. Because a mother's experience is what comes close to her daughter's. You can't expect respect from a groom's family when they have had nothing to do with you, heck, they didn't even know you existed(in arranged marriages, at least) until a few months back.

    I love my baby to bits, and wouldn't change a thing. but i have been raised differently. My own mother made it clear that i am not important to her as her son is. why? you guessed it - i was born with female reproductive organs. i am just a duty that needs to be done and washed their hands off.

    I am a secondary citizen, no matter how much responsibility i take. i am the elder kid, the more responsible one. but that's my duty. it's my duty to be responsible even at age 10.

    MY brother on the other hand, is the ghar ka chirag.She and he did not get along well either, but that;s a completely different issue. nothing to do with the type of reproductive organs.

    On a side note - my Sil is really the apple of her eye - especially since she has "given" my mother a grandson!

    weird how the world works, no?


    P.S. there's an anti-dowry short movie in Kerala, where the father of the girl says, 'my daughter is no less than your son'. I don't know if youtube links are allowed, but here it is

     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2021
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  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    All these bad traditions will not go away till every Indian girl boy parents talk openly about it. If any girl talk against dowry she is labeled bad or over smart or feminist etc etc. why can’t all women men parents youngsters talk about it before marriage. Still so many dowry victims are dying but society is not changing. Whenever I talk in my friends circle no one supports me or look at me as I am wierd. This must change all all women should stand up before marriage only. Don’t get bullied and don’t bully anyone.
     
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  4. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Bronze IL'ite

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    @ProudIndian - i agree with you..all the greedy dowry mongers get their karma....i am old enough and have seen karma raining hell in terms of bad severe illness on the wrong doers or their loved ones..wrong doers enjoy for a few years as they think that they have gotten away with their wrong doings but then karma rains hell all of a sudden
     
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  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Sweety
    I agree to all your valued points , you wont believe my marriage was even worse, the groom and his relatives arrived by train and when they stepped out they didn't move a inch until my father/uncles and cousin had to run towards them and carry their luggage, my people were late just by 5 mins because of traffic for which my MILs Sister commented the very start itself is topsy don't know how the rest is going to be. Next they reached the venue around 11Am which was between lunch and break fast time, but wanted to be served break fast immediately as they were tired travelling for 8 hrs they made an issue because my Dad said lunch will be ready in another half an hour, I could literally see my parents pleading with them for each and everything, and yes even their to and fro train tickets were booked by my parents, hotel rooms for their relatives, pick and drop to the venue, and through out my inlaws and two SIL's had grumpy faces for the whole two days and in all the ceremonies, apart from dowry given to the groom my people had to given a some amount and silk saree to both my SIL,s again they created a scene because the sarees didn't match their level, through out there was confusion and disturbance from when they arrived till they left, on our return journey to their place my older married sister and her hubby accompanied me even there they didnt spare saying the food given for the journey is not packed well etc etc my BIL was trying to explain but all of them pounced on them, during all this drama my hubby was a silent spectator and me was almost trembling seeing each ones reaction.
    Fast forward my DH is really nice man but he was only young and immature and didnt have the capacity to judge what is right and wrong, he blindly believed that his people are always right , even now I remind of his behaviour , I hate to see my wedding albums.

    But times have really changed Sweety, these days the bride and groom make their own decisions, I have seen many youngsters where the boy and girl are really mentally strong and confident. I pray for the change to happen and our lives and behaviour must be history
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @sweety127,

    Here are my answers to your questions:

    1. Maybe if the groom and bride shares the wedding expenses and plan the wedding instead of parents doing it for them..
    Absolutely. The wedding is so personal for the bride and groom and they should organize it themselves. However, if the families insist on spending money on the wedding themselves, least that should happen is both families contributing for the wedding expenses.

    2. Living separately close to both set of parents and giving equal weightage interms of support, availability etc to both of them...the girls parents have also invested so much love in bringing her up..what makes their love inferior to that of son's parents that she has to leave her house all of a sudden one day just because she is married?

    Bride's parents are as important as Groom's family and there is no less effort in raising a girl. Some of the traditions such as Kannigadhanam is often misunderstood as the parents of the bride giving away their daughter to another family. The bonding that a girl has with her parents is no different than that of the boy. Wherever possible, the bride and groom should live separately and they both should have close connection with both set of parents. It is not always possible to live close to both set of parents but with the communication system so advanced now, they can communicate well with both set of parents regularly. But expecting bride to be talking to the grooms parents every day/week and not vice versa is an unacceptable practice.

    3. No dowry, gifts, blah blah in any forms should be forced on either sides...

    Demanding dowry is illegal. However, the society remains a blind eye to this law unless there is a harrassment by the groom's family for lack of dowry. Frankly, unless there is shaming of those who expect dowry and gifts by the society, it won't get fixed. Any demand for dowry should be met with walking away from the wedding.

    4. Equal division of house hold chores and responsibilities. When a woman can work like a man or even better than a man in offices , why are some men unable to even enter the kitchen or raise children?

    This should be a requirement for a marriage to work and that is common in all other cultures. Both men and women should practice doing chores and responsibilities of raising children together by sharing among them. The men who are not participative in this process must be questioned. This change can be implemented only if the couple in marriage enforce it.

    5. Have clear communication with the groom regarding your expectations about marriage and future life together rather than talking sweet nothings for hours together..

    This is essential for the well-being of the married life. Sweet nothings are good to develop love but a good foundation is laid only when there is open communication from both sides. All expectations must be discussed before marriage and if expectations are unreasonable, it should also be discussed before marriage.

    6. If you can earn, so can you manage...financial independence is really important...

    Financial independence is good but the couple should be consultative in how to deal with their finances. Especially, when the children are common for both, what funds to set up for them should be jointly discussed. Moreover, the skillset of the spouse should be utilized well for the benefit of the family. The funds allocation should be separate for personal expenses, children's future, retirement planning, taking care of both set of parents, if needed, charity, buying immovable properties and emergency expenses. If couple manages funds without the knowledge of other spouse, it would only result in confusion. Unity in planning the future is important.
     

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