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How To Love Partner?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Benadryl, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    My mother is narcissistic and I can understand the emptiness you feel because I felt the same way for many years. For long, I prioritized the needs of my parents, brother & his family over my own. Whenever I was struggling to cope with the lost feelings, I developed the expectation that my brother's wife should empathize with me in the same manner I was with her. I wished that she would ask me a few questions like a mother would do. My SIL is a nice person but she could not "sense" my feelings. One day, when things hit the roof, she said " I had no idea you were expecting this from me." But did anything changed from there? No. We both are still the same people we were before. But my expectations & disappointment has reduced. I also realized that my brother & his wife care about me but they may not appreciate or return affection in the manner I like. It's certainly not their fault and can be let go.

    I feel it is completely alright of you to expect a little empathy from your own wife given that she knows everything about you... But ultimately it depends on her personality.
    • Can she "perceive" your emotions & feelings?
    • Does she like to put effort & change herself?
    • Are you both compatible intellectually (to a certain extent)?
    • Does she clearly know what affects you and in turn may affect her as well?
    • Can she sense the urgency of the situation when you talk about separation?
    Do you have other goals that can fulfill you like volunteering or giving back to society? Although they may not be the ones you currently seek, they can offset the imbalance and create some peace within you.

    I would like to add that you should sincerely find ways to reduce the grief without depending on anyone. If you are able to keep aside the baggage from past, how would you rate your marriage? Would you still have arrived at the same conclusion?
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2020
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  2. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    to be honest this was the first post which made lot of sense . I can only share my perspective .

    Only person you can really love, without expecting anything in return is your child. my teen daughter gets up 4.30 am, no matter how tired i am i get up to give her something to drink and eat. my son needs to be ready for school by 8, my spouse - makes up for that. he never misses care them both and goes till long length to keep them healthy and focused.

    now for the rest it is always expectations. and that i feel is a constant decision you chose to do for the other person.

    now coming to your point, do not break if you have ok thing going. if you have calm ok family , stick with it. You are man, change your focus . trust me, if your spouse is a good mom and fair home maker and bit fair emotionally stable , it is much better. some of my friends are going through very hard time (infidelity's and domestic abuse ). Chasing some unknown person whose intentions you do not know, is not going to be easy.

    develop some hobbies for yourself. fitness, music. men's group where you can connect. not like over connect :) .

    plan new experiences with your better one alone. random experiences like going for bike ride , dance class . yoga. this is not acting like a date, you are trying to make a friend.

    there is saying i learnt from some random Quora post, if you want your marriage to be loving , think and imaging having an affair where you are trying to chase the other person to be attracted to you. Only difference is the other person is your SPOUSE. because when you chase, you forget all shame and expectations and keep wooing the other person.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2020
  3. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    @Metamorphic Finally! Thank you for your reply. I feel my poor communication skills have failed to convey, to a larger audience, what I was trying to say - and you were able to so succinctly put it. Reciprocity is one of the main problems. Apart from taking more than she can give, my personal opinion, which the wife agrees with, is, we are two people living in the same house doing activities and chores and raising kids. (Just like house mates - house mates can leave. But we are tied.) There is no other aspect involved. My belief is that all human beings are a complex bundle of emotions and need to be loved and cared for, in their own way. Unfortunately, although the wife agrees, there is no effort from her side to change the status quo. And I do not want to continue to live where I am not loved - hence the original question. Usually her behaviour makes me think a fellow like me deserves this kind of treatment - then I think of my kids love and affection - then I think give them some time. They will turn around too.

    It is surprising to note that even though we try and keep our discussions/arguments away from the kids - somehow - whenever I am feeling the most unloved and uncared for - my son will always start appreciating things I do "You cleaned the toilets so well dad (weekend cleaning). You are an excellent story teller - I like your stories(for the stories I tell them before bed). You are such a good singer (lullabies)" There have been plenty of times I have wept myself to sleep thinking how well my 5 year old knows me - and then I think may be I am screwing up his mental make up.

    @DDream When I think back, it has been this way from the beginning. I sheepishly agree, in the beginning of the marriage, I somehow imagined we will be one soul in two bodies and wont need words to communicate as we will be able to communicate via silence. Wife's resolution for disagreements raising in the past used to be that I need to communicate my desires and wants - which is what I started doing. And before you can say "did you do the same?" I assure you, I did. Whatever I expect from her, first I make sure I can do it. And then came the phase of both of us adjusting to each others wants. Since I am used to giving all the time it wasn't too much of a challenge for me. She has also said her parents and her upbringing didn't encourage her to be as expressive as I request her to be. "If you have a fever, you have a fever. Go to a dr. Take paracetamol. Do something. Dont expect me to pat your head and say it will be ok" - sums up her attitude. Her parents are admirable - in fact if I had to model on a parent's behaviour, I would model myself on the in laws. So I am chalking her traits to be something she just is. Just like I feel I can never be loved, she feels she can never care (or she tries to - but forgets. Or is simply unable to. Again, the caring and concern expected is nothing out of the ordinary or more than what is required from a grown married adult). Which is the impasse I am partly trying to find a solution to. She has been treated much more than how I'd like to be treated - which has caused me even more misery. How long can you keep giving without getting anything in return at all.

    @Thyagarajan I think you have also touched a core point. If you treat your partner as a queen yet you are treated as nothing - how long will you continue?

    @hridhaya Thank you for replying. I take comfort in knowing I am not the only one out here. I have communicated several times to her and after every argument or discussion we end up committing to change, but I think she just can't. On separation, I don't think she sees the urgency of the situation. I partly believe because she thinks every couple has arguments and every couple threaten each other with separation - but she is failing to see that we are not every couple and the core reason for the arguments wont magically go away if there is no attempt to change from her side. Time is not going to heal the unfulfilling feelings I have. Simply due to my mental make up - I cannot give back to the society via means of volunteering or charity. I will happily feed someone I personally know going through tough times. But I see charity and volunteering as free labour - which is never going to be sustainable. This is partly because I have never got anything for free in my life. Even kindness! I am actively searching something I can do that will give some balance. I am going to begin pursuing a few things so I can atleast find a hobby - all of my life I have chased money so have never given anything else a lot of attention. I used to like to write - my children give me an opportunity to rekindle my imaginative stories and they love listening to them at bed time - may be I will start writing again. But then again, this thread has also shown me my communication skills are not up to scratch. Lets see how I go.

    @lavani Thank you for replying. I admire the way your unit functions. We are nearly the same. Just some aspects of human behavior and emotion are missing. I am seeing a recurring suggestion - if its not too bad dont separate. I am still evaluating how long I can continue to live without love. May be as others have suggested if I find a hobby I like may be that will give me some balance.

    This thread has at least helped me straighten out my thoughts. I think for the course of action, firstly, I am going to find a therapist who can help me identify why I feel this need for love and care. What is so unfulfilled in me that I want to be loved, cared and be able to love. Although I think that is basic human need - but for the sake of my sanity and my marriage I will get a medical opinion on this. I am afraid if the shrink says you are ok, then there will be a lot of weight on the wife's shoulders :p Once that is sorted and if that's unhelpful, time for marriage counselling - which I think will not be helpful from what I know about counselling - as, what is the counselor going to say? You have to do blah blah blah - which is what I have been telling wife and wife has been telling me. But we will give it a go.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    About emotionally available, reacting versus responding etc. and similar funda's, you are quite "western" or well-read or have given it lot of thought. Rather rare in desi men.

    Are you equally western in things like gifting the wife and appreciating her. In particular, do you recall giving her a wedding gift from you to her (not from your family to her). When your child was born, did you thank her for what she went through to bring the new life into the world? Did you look her in the eye and say, "Thank you."? Did you convey any of the messages suggested in this page:Plenty of Thank you message, letters to wife for giving birth | Heartfelt and full of gratitude

    Did you give her a card like the one below? Did you have balloons and flowers etc delivered to the hospital or your home?

    baby.jpg

    You don't have to answer. : ) Just thinking aloud. : )
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2020
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  5. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,
    Do try to volunteer, you might change your thoughts
     
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  6. GregoriaBoul

    GregoriaBoul Silver IL'ite

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    Invest time and commit to Your Relationship.
     
  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    RFLOL ! Having suffered through childbirth trumps everything: Everyone who had caused that, as a husband or a child, had been on all-expense-incurred-guilt-trips of various lengths. And when memories of one trip get fuzzy, a review revisit arranged so easily.:clapclap: The poor guy wanted a glass of water on a hot day!!

    I think the OP has done quite well in essaying what bothers. The wife could either be patience-incarnate (like a Bhooma-devi) or something had made her shut off. Not enough information to know what happened or blame anyone.

    Guys have outside friends, for chats, beers, and even an occasional smoke, and talk about stuff that happens. Perhaps this is easier/cheaper/more-fun than therapies, volunteering, and other seriously pointy things to solve what appears to be a problem. On the other hand.... who knows what works for a specific human?
    upload_2020-12-9_14-38-59.png
     
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  8. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    lord krishna is called yashoda nandan first , not devki nandan. child birth does triump but how a child is nourished further, triump the birth too. just my opinion.

    OP, i will ask you a question. Does your spouse show narcisstic patterns. read and watch some videos before answering, if it is true. I am sorry to say your spouse will never able to show or express the love you are looking for.

    and the expectations you have is completely normal too, i am not judging on that. i infact do that or even more to my spouse. i do not have a solution to your problems, i will stick to that if things are not broken done break it and change your purpose in life . my cousin in india who is going through a lot of marital issues, has developed a passion in electronics and is now helping doctors in making some masks to avoid covid infections.
     
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  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:
    That echoes mine too.
     
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for this line.

    Yes there could be other reason for disliking. We need to see both sides of the coin. You seemed to have underlined that here.
     
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