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How To Love Partner?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Benadryl, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    I think, this is how most people in an arranged marriage years later would feel, including me. Do I love my partner/, how do I feel the love for my partner? no one will have answer to your question. Everyone before their marriage would have got dreams about their partner to be. Only when our dreams and expectation were met to an extent after marriage with the partner, falling in love happens. Otherwise, most of us carry on the relationship like a commitment towards family, society and kids. So someone should be lucky enough to find such a soul mate. It will not happen to everyone. Even in love marriage, I have heard both genders whining about their after marriage life. This site is one such source, where you read people who were in love for years before marriage regret getting married to their loved ones. The suggestions that you get from people are very subjective according to me. The outcome of the suggestions from any person depends on the effort from another partner as well. Nothing much to add.
     
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  2. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    In my opinion the problem is in your thought process. You pray the God to get something/ he will protect you in difficult situations Which is just like a barter system. So, you doubt your kids just love you because they are getting benefits from you. I feel change has to come from your side and do prayers with devotion. Please stop suspecting others emotional feelings towards you and try to develop positive mind set.
    I had read your past thread How Long Can One Keep Going Without Appreciation From Partner to know more. I'm not sure about you are expecting too much love/care/gratitude from your wife as you are helping her in to do daily chores and taking care of kids and etc( it shows somewhere you have feeling of you are male /primary breadwinner still doing all) . You wife thinking as a parent/husband that is your responsibility.
    You aren't cursed soul and there is nothing wrong to expect true love from life partner but less expectations give more peace/happiness. Explore with other partners isn't a right/good idea and it will definitely affect your kids. Do deep discussions with your wife and go for counseling/therapy. I think which helps you a lot and all the best.
     
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  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Best place to start is counseling for you.
    You can try to find yourself, with the help of a counselor. It will take few years- till then do not disrupt lives of your children. If possible wait till your children are in college to take any major actions.
    In the mean time:
    Please help your wife get independent- in terms of getting a job, keeping a job, and other emotional/ financial aspects.
    Try to socialize more in desi style- potlucks, shaadis etc- that does cure blues for some.
    It is okay to feel how are you feeling. Actually, no one can tell you how to feel!
    But do not act on it- till few years!
    Please work on your spiritual side to minimizes the dissatisfaction you are feeling- it won't go away fully.

    You do not have a deep friendship with your wife. You need a soulmate. Men always looks for soulmates in their wife or other partners. Women can have a friend/ mom/ female relative to talk to- they get that satisfaction one gets from deep discussions with soulmates. Just so that you know- the deep dissatisfaction magnifies in a foreign lands!

    Everyone has given their 2 cents, and mine is- you can look for your soulmate- after you have done your due diligence by your family- raised them to college, and get your wife a career (not just a job), and be available to fix a leaky faucet at middle of night for her- even as ex (no other meaning intended), be a co- parent for life- and then you can set out on your own journey to find a soulmate.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    By a coincidence, those songs describe a kind of covetable love but are also about a pair that face some struggle, disappointment and (temporary) disenchantment.
    Random guess - that kind of experience on a sustained basis in a relationship is possible when the two are mostly above worldly worries. Having to pay the rent, working at a job to make a living or maintain an immigration status etc can sap the energy and jade the outlook. And then if there are kid(s) -- the wear and tear on the marriage can be brutal. The same life's to-do's that provide structure for some people can kill the spirit of some. Maybe if a couple is living together but not married, neither keen to have kids, away from interfering families, able to devote time to their intellectual or artistic pursuits, then, in the time that is left over they can be with each other in that blissful companionship described in the quoted post.

    The mid to late thirties is a good time to start the process of no more blaming parents and siblings. The project can take years, but starting is important.
    Being able to discuss such things with partner -- I don't know if it shows maturity on the part of both, or an unbelievable cruelty on the part of one.

    Yes, at our core we are still the middle class family from the old India. With that core comes the assurance that partner won't leave us due to a general unhappiness. And kids do make it complicated. Shared custody is not just a sensible schedule of which days with which parent and the parents putting the kids' welfare first.
     
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  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Movie song lyrics inspired hankering is quite normal. However the OP himself realizes that only rarely those lip-synchers on the screen get to amble at a leisurely pace for a ghazal. Most songs require them to run in the open fields, on mountain sides, in rain, or packed snow. All of them are also metaphors for real life. After doing all that running and singing, there would still be challenges: Amrish Puri's face would come in your nightmares. [I am thinking of my annual performance appraisal meeting at work, where the default behavior is under-appreciation].
     
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You said "The wife feels lovedenough". How can it be when you clearly said you dont love her. She is getting service, help may be care.. Not love...you are mistaken, I believe.
    She may be not enlightened enough to understand what love is or soul mate is.

    I am curious to know what exactly you mean by emotionally available?

    I think you believe your parents didn't give you the love you needed. So you want your wife to fill the "emotional void". You want her play the role of mother too. You need lot of care, attention and appreciation. I am sure even if you change partner, you will be seeking a mother component in that person. But the woman can feel that they are married to a grown up child not an adult who don't understand her well or her tiredness or understand her love languages.

    Have you discussed with you wife on your needs?
    For example
    If you want ice cream, you won't get satisfied with a jilebi, & vice versa.

    Check this to find out
    Quizzes - The 5 Love Languages®

    Did you set an example. Are you emotionally available to her. I think only she can answer that. Her version will be totally different from yours

    Do you appreciate her when she do services for. Do you give her a hug or kiss or whatever to show that you really care and appreciate. But if you think that you washed utensils, and your wife need to appreciate that -when you don't show anything back- may sounds like over expectations to her.

    There are some men who think that helping wife is out of ordinary and they feel like its great and expect thanks and rewards. But when a wife do the same, they consider its their duty and don't appreciate it..mostly men raised in patriarchal family do that. Both men and women like appreciation.

    Was it like this from the beginning or changed after having kids?

    In your case,you have two small kids,your wife will be tired than you imagine. Its not easy to give full attention when she is so diverted by kids, home and job. It improve only when there is lot of support or if kids grow up. So you two find time to spend time together/ go for date nights. I think your love language is words of affirmation and care/ touch ..please check that. If you dont get it, you will never get satisfaction.

    So instead of talking about finding a new partner to your wife, show your love language and tell her to express it that way to you. I can't imagine how heartbreaking for your wife to listen that you need another partner to fulfill your void.

    But my question is even if she care you like a mother and give all the love/appreciation/attention/care you need,

    Will you be able to love your partner?

    I doubt...because there is some core issue in you that you are unable to fulfill. The issue may with some deep issue in side you like said your inability to love. Its not your wife's fault that you can't love her. I believe love/ connection there or not. I think you care but you dont feel any romantic love. its not her fault.

    As you dont have any other family issues, try your best make it work. Both of you go individually and together for counseling with the aim to improve the current situation and convince about your needs. Try your best before you quit. You have been together for only 8years. A few more doesn't hurt.

    Even if you find next partner after quting the current marriage , it may work if there is no kids involved. So that you get full attention. It will be great during courtship period. This romance last less than one year slowlyit gives away to normal love. But when you live together, there is high chance that you start to look for a mother component in your new partner. If she can fulfill that it will be great. If not, you end up in the current state again. Also you will have to take care of kids after getting joint custody if thats what you want to go for.

    There are men who want the cake and eat it too. They seek affairs to fullfull their needs the partner can not fullfill. They dont discuss it with spouse or work on it. But its not the problem with their wife. Its the core problem with the men who go for that. Its a conscious decision. But infidelity is the most cruel thing one can do to their spouse. I believe you are not that type, but mentioned the things that usually happens in such situations.

    I appreciate your honesty. Everyone wants to love and be loved. So if you are unhappy talk to your wife and go for divorce, then seek it.

    But think about kids. Its not their fault that their father thinks this way. They deserve a stable loving environment. They dont deserve to be running from one home to another. They dont deserve to face step dad/ step mom scenario in their life. So think really well about your kids before taking a step or wait . You have so much to loose.

    Generally divorce is the last option suggested only when there is abuse, adultery or addiction. You guys are not facing any of these in your life.

    So be ready to face many reactions from your wife. She may feel - you have seen her before marriage. If you didn't feel any love / chemistry/ attraction...why did you marry her and spoiled her life when you are aware that divorce is still not a common thing in India like here. But you got enlightenment only after the birth of your two kids. So what explanation she can give to herself and her family for the separation. Do you have any answer.

    So think we'll and decide. I mentioned all the above to give a reality check on your situation. Ignore it if you don't like it in any way.

    I agree with you. You deserve love of your life. Also with someone special we get that connection very easily. Feel like we know them like soul mate for many years. So I understand your feelings. Only lucky people get it so easily. If that was your aim, you should have gone for love marriage instead of arranged marriage with an innocent woman. She lost a chance to find the life she dreamed about.

    But I dont understand why you marry your wife when you didn't have anything to begin with.

    So is your wife. She deserves a partner who accept her and love her. You clearly said you dont love her. So she is not getting any 'love only care.

    Your life, your choice..but remember three more lives are there to get affected. You can wait and give sometime and try to make it work or you can quit. But you can't stand on two boats. Anyway, find an amicable solution.

    Wish you love and happiness.

    Note: Ignore it if you don't like my reply in any way. My intention was to give some clarity. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2020
    SCA, hermitcrab, Swetha52003 and 3 others like this.
  7. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    @DDream :worship2:

    There is very high possibility that this could happen.

    This is :thumbup:
     
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  8. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    You are pretty sure that you don’t love your wife .. But also sure that your wife feel loved? So you are in this marriage only for kids...Also you talked to her about this..If your wife know about this, how can she feel loved and secured?? I am not judging you in anyway..You don’t have to answer here too, but to yourself..maybe it will bring some clarity..
    Maybe your wife is not the expressive kind. How about openly tell her what you expect? Did she tell you that it is impossible? How about getting baby sitters and go for a trip with wife.. If there is no infidelity, domestic abuse, etc, don’t you think it is worthy to try and save the relationship? Just some suggestions, it’s your life.. Best wishes!
     
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  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry to have whited-out the word "expressive". The sentence without that word, and what follows that in the above quote stand rather well together.

    Here is the MAN's prayer from a Canadian TV show:
    That said, let me continue.....
    Men don't want the wife to sing ghazals at them, and then go to sleep. When the 7-year itch happens, they had been watching smutty videos on the internet, the reality that they'd never get to experience what they see on the videos haunt them like crazy. They don't want an expressive "partner"; they want "action". Your post is simply asking him to tell her what sorts of things he wants from her.

    If the wife had been harangued about "that" already, I am sure she'd have contacted divorce lawyers to find out whether or not staying married is useful. In community property states, she could get half of everything (including stock options, RSU-stockplan accounts, IRA and 401K savings), as well as child-support and college-fees, and chuck that idiot out. Considering all that, he'd be better off to pay to some service-outlet, and get his kinks taken out. Safe, and economical for all.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2020
  10. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hopikrishnan, OP clearly going through some mid life crisis and he seems to be genuine too. Maybe some caring words from the wife can bring a change in their life.. Of course we don’t know the wife’s part, but from his post it doesn’t seem like he is just after some “haunting “ videos !

    Why do I feel like Amulet is back? Nice to read your posts :) But, we don’t want to hurt OP, do we?
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2020

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