How To Learn Mother-tongue Without Anger, Bitterness, Resentment

Discussion in 'Education & Personal Growth' started by SuiDhaaga, Jan 27, 2022.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I wish to learn lot of languages, but they are challenging.

    I can grasp my mother-tongue, as if I spoke fluently in a previous life.

    But so many people from my region of India I’ll-treated me.

    Even the lady who is teaching my mother-tongue is
    1. From University in the Cit where my firmer in laws are from
    2. Has a b**ch face. I don’t mean resting b**ch face, I mean she looks like a nasty b**tch through and through. But she teaches well.


    There are one or two people who speak my mother tongue who actually care for me.

    I want to communicate with these people kn my mother tongue before they pass on.

    Once they are gone and if I never learned my mother tongue, and never spoke with them in my mother tongue, I will feel like there is a big hole in my heart.

    Thus is the only forum I can get help because ladies post oreblems all the time about being mistreated those who speak their mother tongue,

    At the same time there are ladies who have love hate relationship with India and their communities

    I know I can carve out 30 minutes a day
     
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  2. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Start by the replacing the negative associations with positive ones. Look up inspiring people — saints, artists, writers, poets, freedom fighters, etc., — from that part of India. Read about their lives, their impact on society and history. Look up songs, spiritual or romantic, in that language. Appreciate the beauty in those compositions. Listen to videos of children speaking your language. Language is merely a tool wielded by a human. If the human behind the words is cruel or callous, it is not a reflection of the language itself.

    Think of it this way - the people who treated you badly stole years of happiness from you. If you miss out on learning your language because of old negative experiences you let them take one more thing that is dear to you. I know these associations are embedded in your psyche and it is not easy to overcome them. But with repeated reframing of your thoughts you can learn to mitigate their hold you.

    If you don’t mind sharing the language folks here can recommend songs and stories to help create happier associations with your culture.
     
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  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    This is a beautiful post and beautiful explanation. Last thing I want is those evil people to steal more from me.

    Language is Punjabi
     
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  4. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- If I may suggest, please see a therapist. You have a lot of anger because of your ex. First, you need to heal and move on. Everything else will fall in place. Whatever happened happened. Don't let the past ruin your present and future!
     
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  5. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm trying.

    Lot of therapists use a script and themselves are baffled.

    One IL member even said that sometimes it is better to talk to people who understand you than some professional with alphabet soup in front of their name who is mechanical.

    I am confronting the fact that if I remain focused on anger, I can never get the good things.

    Honestly @nuss , do you think a therapist would have gave a same reply that @Gauri03 did. All the therapist would have said is, "let's talk about it", and bill my health insurance for each prolonged session.

    In theory therapy is good. But what is therapy. Therapy is simply talking it out with people who don't have any interior motive.

    Sometimes the person who is in pain had to keep talking, keep ruminating, keep doing till the pain and anger eventually burn out and they finally realize that until they release the weight of their past, they cannot fly into their future.

    Now I understand why in Bible (and perhaps other religions) God says, "Vengeance is mine". Meaning don't you spend time thinking how to get back at the person. You should learn to focus on good things, positive things that will help you release the anger. God will handle the person who wronged you.

    Then it comes back to therapy. Sometimes strangers on the Internet, such as IL can provide great guidance in one post. More guidance than years and years of "professional" therapy.

    I'm not knocking professional therapy, it's just that
    1. Person has to acknowledge they have issues (yes, terrible anger from the abuse and betrayal)
    2. Best way to get help, i.e. professional therapy, message board therapy


    But I think when person says to another person, "go get therapy", it means "I feel bad for you, and I cannot help you, please try professional help, perhaps they can guide you"


    Of course this is not to say I will shun any other options for therapy if need be. But in this day and age lot of therapists (one person admitted it, and she is Board Certified MD) admitted they go through script. And the therapists THEMSELVES HAVE ISSUES, i.e. they self-prescribe themselves medications.


    I think I wrote a lot. I am unsure if it was repetitive. It's just that when you said "go get therapy", I feel that I (as well as lot of ladies on this board who are going through abusive marriage) am already getting therapy. There have been success stories because of IL. I know I am becoming a success story myself (with time and patience)
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    OP, You can try one of the language apps. I recently downloaded Duolingo for Spanish. It’s pretty good so far. They ask for 15-20 mins per day and present the info in small bites and a gamified format with rewards. Easy no pressure and lots of repetition.
    I see you mentioned Punjabi. Try the 50 languages app. Its there for android and iOS. It’s less gamified than Duolingo but has many Indian languages Since you already understand the language you may find it

    :) May I ask how is this even relevant? Why do you care? What does it matter what she looks like? Learning in live is so much better than from an app or on your own. So see if you can overcome your dislike and attend her classes.

    That’s a worthy goal. I would advise you to not wait till you reach *some* level of proficiency but to reach out and talk to them from now itself. They will feel so happy you are making the effort and you will feel good also. Think of it as extra practice and use the new words you learn each week with them. It’ll be very rewarding, I promise you.
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    This is a good first step. Agree that @Gauri03 is a remarkable individual and her posts are extremely useful and spot on. But she is not a therapist. That’s not her job. By chance she saw your post and replied which you liked. But you can’t put your entire life at the mercy of chance posts by strangers on the internet!

    Therapists are qualified and trained and will actually help you in all the facets you require. You are only aware of some of the problems right now. There is so much you are repressing without even realizing and which a therapist will help you with.

    In this post you gave lot of reasons which made me think your mind is resisting the idea of therapy - it’s too costly, what’s the use, they follow a script, IL is better and so on. Already you have lost ten years of your life like this simply waiting, procrastinating and hoping things will get better. Don’t waste more time in waiting procrastinating and rationalizing.

    Another thing that comes through in your posts is the sense that you are waiting, somehow you are waiting to be magically healed and back to how you were before the hurtful incidents so you can restart your life. There’s no such going back. So don’t wait to restart your life. Start now, today, as you are. Continue your journey and you will heal yourself along the way.

    Take action. Today is the first day of the rest of your life - remember that.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2022
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not to discourage you, but learning a language well enough to communicate in the way that you want to takes a lot of time, discipline and concerted effort. Many women I know (including moi) try really hard to pick up their husband's language well enough to converse in it and it just doesn't happen. Of course, you do have the advantage of it being your mother-tongue.

    While you are getting better at your mother-tongue, maybe try something like this too - find a list of memoir type questions to ask the two people. Record short videos of them responding to 2-3 questions in your mother-tongue. Before each session, you practice asking the questions in your mother tongue. This will create some lovely memories. If you can get this to be a project relatives in India also do with their elders, it is simply beautiful when all start sharing the recorded videos with each other and comparing notes etc.
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SuiDhaaga,

    I agree with both @Gauri3 and @nuss. By nature, most of our mind understands the external conflicts better than the internal conflicts. Your past marriage experience and associated anger is justifiable from what you had experienced but you have to do everything possible to improve your present quality of life especially when it affects a simple step to learn your own mother tongue. Gauri is right in saying that your past experience robbed your happiness but you can prevent that happening to your present happiness by deliberatly attempting to overcome the past experience. It is essential for a healthy life going forward and to do everything you aspire to do in future including a healthy professional and personal life.

    I agree it is difficult for the therapists to evaluate, interpret and resolve the conflicts in the mind of each individual quickly because most may not share all details. However, they have professional training to do so. It is better than us trying to understand what is in our subconscious mind, how it affects various activities of us and when it triggers emotions that affects our healthy living.

    Intellectually, it is easier to understand learning the mother tongue is important but when the emotions prevent us from achieving this feet, it is important to get to the root cause of this problem. It is important to be open and communicative with the therapist about the feelings, emotions and thoughts without any judgment. It will help them resolve it quickly. We have a tendancy to limit what we share with our friends and acquintances as we always feel that we will get judged by them. A therapist is trained not to judge as they are trained to bring out as much as possible by facilitating the process of unfolding the deep feelings and emotions which will help them to reach resolution quicker.
     
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  10. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    50 languages app.

    Thank you for giving name of the app. I will try that. I do like Duolingo indeed! Maybe one day they will have Punjabi.

    oh, I learn from elearnpunjabi.com. These are pre-recorded videos.

    You are right, there is no relevance that University is from same City that my troubles happened and that the lady looks like a b**ch. But she explains the concepts really well!

    Geez now I feel silly

    And I will start speaking in Punjabi as soon as possible!
     
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