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How To Keep My Mouth Shut

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by whitedaisy, Apr 20, 2022.

  1. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    My brother family and my parents live in same house. My brother is a software engineer and is investing in some business now. I am worried about his investments. I told them not to invest much because it is difficult to recover if something goes wrong. And my brother is lazy and a bit innocent also.
    Anyway, he went ahead and invested. I talk to my mother, and once in a while, I get updates. I feel worried, I warn my mother, and sometimes she agrees, sometimes supports my brother. I try not to make many comments about it as it spoils the relationships. But very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes.
    As I am in USA, so me giving advice never created bigger problems, because I don't talk to my brother much.

    I used to take care of all the stuff before marriage, in the house or outside tasks also. Even after marriage I try to know the things are happening in India and worry, give advices. How to stop that?
    Now I am visiting India for 6 weeks, and almost 5 weeks I am staying with my parents and brother's family. I am worried about poking my nose into their business.
    Any tips to remind myself not to cross the line. How to keep my mouth shut? I really want to stay away, but at the moment, I say something and then feel like I am involving too much.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2022
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Is your brother investing his own money or is your parents’ savings also involved? If he is just using his own cash then don’t say anything, no matter how tempting it is. You can give your opinion once and then drop the subject.
    No one wants to be told what to do all the time, and part of being an independent adult is making your own decisions as well as your own mistakes.
     
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  3. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    Now my problem is not about whose money. I do know that no one wants to listen to my advice, I just need tips to hold my tongue. I don't want to give suggestions until he asks me.
    As I used to take care of my parents and some other responsibilities at home before marriage, I am struggling to come out of that mode and need tips for that.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2022
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I guess, your brother is investing his own money and not your money. You can express your views if your money is involved
    *First step is realization.
    You are going through that. It's a positive aspect to change our own habit of unsolicited advice that is very intrusive.
    *Acceptance
    You have to accept whole-heartedly that your brother is mature enough to make his own decision, he has his own family to discuss and it will be like that in future. Let him fight his own wars.
    * Understand the boundary and respect others privacy.
    Once you accept the situation, you will be able to define where you need to stand.
    *control the urge to give unwanted advice and listen
    Tell yourself that you only can control you or keep you mount shut. If he hasn't talked about his investments, don't ask. It is his right to do what he want to do with his own money. Also avoid any discussion on this topic. If he mention it you, just listen and acknowledge. If he asks for your opinion (obviously he don't care from his own action of investment against your unsolicited suggestion) then only give your suggestions.
    * detach your mind from his decisions and his life. It not easy, but try. It will be good if you don't discuss and force your mother to involve in it. In future also it can create issues with his wife too. So, understand that it will be better to mind our business and let others do theirs. It will be good for your mother too.
    I am sure you know the above points. Only you can control your mind. Anyway, try to accept the changes in relationship dynamics and try to control your actions. That's the only way to address this issue, I believe. Think before you speak and try to focus on your life. Its not easy, but slowly you will be able to do that. What you need now is a strong determination to change your own behavior.
     
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  5. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you! I will try my best to follow your suggestions.
     
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Is your brother married ?
    5 weeks is too long to keep mouth shut with family living in same space. I will never be able to do it
     
  7. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    It is both my parents' money and brother's salary.
    you are right, 5 weeks is a long time. That's why I am worried. I am going to India after almost 4 years. so brother and my parents are very happy about my visit.
    He gave me emotional support when I had problems in my marriage and was also ready to give me money though he has very little. I also give him support mostly money for some medical emergencies. We don't have any big problems. I just don't want to ruin this happy relationship. But his laziness and bad investments drive me crazy and get frustrated, which I want to stop.
    I just want to mind my own business and come back to the US, I am afraid that I might fail to do so.
    He is married and blessed with a kid 2 years ago. I am going to meet my nephew for the first time.
    I guess I am struggling to move my status from the "part of the family" To "extended family or guests" status. :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2022
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You know it is best to not give suggestions until asked, you know it will ruin a good relationship, you know you are no longer taking care of parents and other home responsibilities. You don't need convincing to keep your mouth shut. : ) Rather, you are looking for tips on how to keep your mouth shut about certain topics. : )

    It is not easy. But you can try. And after trying, even if not 100% successful, you would have minimized the tips from you.

    An hourly habit tracker app is a good option to remind yourself and to log a check-in every 2-3 hours. You could set it up to send you a few differently worded reminders, preferably in code.

    Totally avoiding the topic of money and investments is hard and can also be misconstrued. Maybe in the second week or so, you can go out with your brother. Have a conversation like, "With Covid and all, we have realized how life can change in a minute ... doing some financial planning for myself... was also wondering about mom/dad's future expenses...planning for those ... how are things... " You could say that you want to avoid this topic at home as it is a visit happening after so long.
     
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  9. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    habit tracker seems to be a good idea. I will follow that.
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Daisy,
    This is what worked for me. Strictly talk about the issues directly with the concerned person. After marriage I realized discussing bro’s or sis’s issue with even mom and dad is basically gossiping. No good comes out of it. God knows what your mom heard, how she conveyed it to bro, when and in front of whom all she made the announcement. All this makes a difference in how the recipient takes the information.

    Two siblings can speak bluntly, honestly to each other and even say hey you are a fool or fix this and the other person won’t mind. Because of the sibling bond and it’s a private conversation. Same thing if parent announces in front of full family and spouse ‘ daisy thinks you are lazy!’ creates annoyance and anger. What does this Daisy know? Etc. Besides mom may have given you out of date info or incomplete information from her limited understanding.

    You seem to have a good relationship with your brother. So when you go, talk to him once freely and 1:1, first listen to what has actually transpired with an open mind understand the situations then share your concerns directly. Then that pressure to speak up and anxiety will go away since you know you were heard. After this trip don’t get pulled into discussions about him with 3rd parties. Talk directly to him only.

    I wouldn’t worry about your visit so much. The new arrival and visiting relatives will take up most of your time and attention. If you get a chance pull bro aside for a heart to heart chat to reboot your relationship but otherwise strictly repel any invitations to discuss him or his wife with 3rd parties. Have a great trip!
     
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