How To Hndle Controlling Husband

The only ray of hope I see are that your inlaws are supportive . Tell them to knock some sense into their son . How do you make a adult understand that being physically and emotionally abusive to his spouse is not normal ? He needs to go for some anger management therapy . Can your inlaws convince him to do that ?
I don’t know what restrictions you have about working in the country you live in. But if you can legally , start working soon. That you don’t have to rely on pocket money from a disrespectful husband. Don’t wait for things to get worse. Also don’t have kids with this man until he respects you.

 

OP,
Can you ask yourself -What do you want- continue in this marriage or not ? Do you think you can live with an abuser and waste your life? Can you spend rest of your life with fear? In most cases it is very difficult to change an abuser. How frequent is this abusive episodes? If there was no abuse, adjusting and correcting will help.

Call Police if he hit /attack you again. That is not a small issue. It is a life and death situation
Have you talked to your parents or PILS about. What is their opinion. Can they convince him for any therapy or counselling?

Please don't bring a kid into this life until you have peaceful life. You will be trapped for ever. Start to talk to him in calm and composed way (only when he is calm and relaxed ). Be firm and assertive and tell him, you cannot accept this behavior. Abuse is a big no. He has to respect you. Tell him that you are really afraid of him, even though you like him.

If he is angry , try not to irritate him again, just ignore and go to another room as you need to be safe. Whatever may be your decision, try to get a job. That will give you more courage. If you want to get out of this one, be smart, plan and build an exit plan with financial security.

If there was no abuse, I would have suggested to adjust and have lot of patience, love and try your best to save the relationship. But how one can one tell you to adjust in abusive relationship?

 

Convey the same thing to your in laws. Tell them he has no right to physically abuse you for such stupid things . Tell them is this the way to treat woman who trusted him and left parents and country for his sake . Men will be dominating I agree but doesn’t mean tat they have rights to hit their wives for no mistake .If he still does the same ask your parents to talk to ur in laws . Make sure your parents know the address were you are residing currently , just to be safe.

 

When the relationship has physical abuse, it sounds like it should be easier to deal with because you know that hitting people is wrong. But from personal experience, I find that type of abuse extremely confusing, since the abuser (in this case your husband) apologizes profusely, and genuinely feels regret. The problem is, it is likely to happen again, and again, and the seriousness does increase each time. The verbal abuse is something that most abusers don't regret, and don't apologize for, but somehow, we forgive and push it under the rug.

First thing, do not plan for children at this stage. It is not worth it. Despite what the older generation says, children do not make these types of issues go away. We just have less energy addressing them. Talk to his parents, and see where they are about it. If they can convey that physical violence has no place in marriage, cool. If not, I would advise that you meet with a marriage counselor - the counselor should be someone your husband can respect.

How emotional do you get, during these fights? Are you able to maintain your cool? If you can, address firmly that this type of behavior is not acceptable, and that you will not tolerate it. If you are crying and it's drastically affecting your emotional state - please see a counselor. You need an unbiased someone on your side, and a parent simply cannot do this. If you are able to remain calm, and so is he, try to diplomatically talk out the issue. If he is not, tell him to work out or go for a walk, and that you will discuss afterwards.

Dominating men will continue dominating, if we keep trying to adjust or if we get emotional and subservient. The problem is respect, and you have to find a way to respect yourself, before you can expect that of him. Build your self confidence, go to school or get a job, and build your network. The pocket money issue, is financial abuse - it is considered a way that a spouse tries to control the other person. I'm not sure why there are so many men who do this, especially when there is less incidence of this in the previous generation. There is no simple way to deal with this, but I would start with being involved in the financial discussions and decisions. Talk about the budget and things that you want to do. If you are not able to make him understand the importance of having pocket money or personal expense amount, talk to your in-laws about this. Mine did not understand this concept, but luckily I had a separate bank account and bought my clothes, makeup, gifts, etc. using this.

My final remarks is, please find a marriage counselor. It's been 2 years and no improvement, you will not able to wait this out and see improvement in your marriage.

 

People who are angry tend to look for fights, and don't leave the other person alone. Escaping to another room might not be an option. If you are able to tell your husband that you both need a break and should discuss once you have a clear head, try that. If not, may be you should go for a walk - at least he can't hit you when you are outside of the house. What will people think?

Exit plan is really important, please have one. Find a friend who is willing to let you stay over. Leave a bag of clothes and toiletries, in case of emergency, and you cannot return home.

 

OP lots of hugs to you . I think your husband doesnt understand you and on top of it his anger issues are creating more problems in your married life. What I understand from your post is you are raised in India and may be he was raised outside India and your expectations/views/opinions on marriage might be quite different that might cause trouble. Usually when two different people marry although they belong to same country, same place still problems exists, but once they are raised in two different countries and cultures definitely differences crop up. Especially emotional levels might vary.You need to make him understand your point of view in dealing things/ Expectations. And since your inlaws are in same country you can take help of them and understand your husband expectations in marriage. I know a couple who are married from two different countries, girl born and raised in India. Boy born and raised in a different country altogether though his parents are Indians, they faced lot of issues in married life because of difference in cultures/food habits his and her expectations never matched. Her expectations from husband are like a typical Indian women expectations where as His expectations are more like western culture. So they could not get along well, I remembered them when I read your post. Work on these things and try to get along well , admist all of this his temper on wife is not acceptable. Even your husband should understand that your exectations are different. I wish you All the best

 

Yes. but angry people are like those under drugs. There will be no sense. Even if we talk back, it may create more serious issue. It is better not to talk to angry person to avoid more conflict. Their behavior varies, we cannot generalize . Going out is a good option, but can we do in all the time. OP, you know your husband. Do whatever is safe for you. If he was raised in Italy, he should be aware of the laws against abuse there. Then why does he behave like this.

 

I agree. But there are situations (basically the ones I get into, I guess), where talking or not talking, will not avoid the conflict. At the very least, OP can offer an option, and if it doesn't work, she can physically take herself out of the situation. An abuser cannot refute that. It's tough when you are NOT able to leave the house for one reason or the other - time of day, physical condition, nowhere to go, etc. OP, please find a resource, a trusted friend, who you can turn to, if you need a safe place. They do not need to be a family friend, or even really know your husband. Also, cultivate your independence, so you don't have to depend on your husband to travel or leave the house (I'm not sure if that is an issue for you).

@Tkverma - Since you and your husband are from 2 different countries, I am wondering, was your husband forced to marry you? Did he like you when you first got married?

 

can you start working part time...to get out of the house and be in a different environment.
it may give you some clarity.