how to help my parents from younger sisters attitude?

sanjuruby3 · Feb 22, 2016

Hi all

This is going to be long story..sorry about that. My parents are always in stressed because of my younger sister who is working, non married living with them.

I am oldest, married to my brother and sister. There is lot of age difference and I Brother works away and getting married v soon for which preparations are going. Now I had love marriage and my brother had GF, now fiancee, soon to be wife and seems my sister is also seeing someone.

Problem - My younger sister is making my parents lives difficult because of her attitude and high temper. She is self righteous, very stubborn personality and always in competition with everyone else. From childhood she never got along with my brother who is about same age to her.

Now as last 3rd child, She might not have got all that luxuries - toys, clothes etc.
Mother had difficult pregnancies, and life with work. So sister mostly got passed on stuff and till this day she holds that in her hear and very poisonous in her conversations to parents.

As my baby sister, I pampered her with all the things from world, sending from US. We were like best of buddies. I was young and she was mature child. We used to talk everything that suddenly stopped. Now I hardly talk to her...another story.

She grew up to have everything for herself. She is always - I do not have this thing, that thing, all my class kids have everything, this that.. I never bought anything else other than my elder sis sent....never happy. After I left house, she grew up to boss of house. She was mature and right for many things but she became like dictator.

Gradually, in college, my parents would do or buy everything to make her happy, newest dresses. From many many years, they been venting out to me against her.
About her not help in house chores, not doing anything, lashing out for mom not washing her this cloth that cloth, dress not sent for stitching or not bringing..like mom is free maid who also pays for her expenses.

At many points, we all have been at fault in her upbringing. Mom had rough marriage and less support from dad So she was always screaming. So even when as child she did house chores, mom will keep commenting. But now her personality is un-tolerable.

No matter what, i have always been there for her and watching them even if not talking. She blatantly told she had BF and stop looking for matches. Now she is always on phone, at nights. Mom tries to talk to her, stop her, she pushes her to sleep in another room. Of course mom knows.

New dress, suit material etc comes at home, mom buys for me or her or herself, she wants it, keeps it for herself. Never happy.. Also to blame to this racy competitive world, she is not alone comparing herself to all other b'ful better dressed girls.

We all go through that youth phase, we think we are everything, we can do everything and get disconnect from parents. I was in same phase when seeing my H, and my brother had done even worse. But parents were busy taking care of other kids. Now she is all alone with them. Parents expect care from her as she expects everything for herself.

Now latest event, that triggered me to write a long post..

At some family fun, she got many dresses stitched but got burnt by some same age cousins dresses up expensively. Now we have brothers wedding, she wanted to compete. Took mother to shopping and bought many expensive dresses and was not stopping yet. She offered to pay. Some dresses for me also.

Now mom and me are talking and I am telling why expensive for me, as 1 time wear. So mom started about her that she is unmarried, but got most expensive blah blah. BTW, mom/dad are very scared of her and talking secretly.

She heard, came screaming with temper on 7th sky..I will pay etc. My mom is in shock and felt insult as I war hearing everything ( btw not new thing ) ..cried. I, here in US, felt so bad. She does this many many times and then won't talk or eat at home for days. Dad will cook for her but she does not leave her temper.

My mom, dad or all of us might also be at fault at her upbringing. Mother most of the times use to compare us. Now I am away, she compares others to me. Both bro-sis not much involved in house, conversations, preps anything. I tell them it is generation gap and many kids are like that. My time, you were busy so never felt much difference.

now as i said, we do not talk much. I do not know what to do to help my parents. Mother often talks about dying, dad often does.

She tells no one is happy about her and she is 1 who gets blame. I know and understand where mother is wrong, talking secretively to me about her, she hears it. but mom has to vent out somewhere and she is old and her health has deteriorate very fast for her age. She is not 65 yet but her body has reduced half.
I am so disturbed from last 2 days that I needed to share my pain here in US.

StrongLady · Feb 26, 2016

Dear Op,
Hugs to you. Can completely relate to what you said.
You are dealing with a very bossy person. short tempered, good at heart but she is very self centric.
however i was really shocked hearing few things about your sister. how come she is able to dominate the entire family being the younger in house.

When she shouts on your parents for any dresses what ever, why cant you give an ultimatum that being younger she cannot shout on your parents like that.
leave abt her mentality but she cannot shout on your parents.
When she complaints, dont you guys have answer to her blamings. didnt your family spend any money for her studies, did she grow up all by herself.?

Communication is the best way to solve any behavior problems or misunderstandings in family. You talk in a conference call with your sister, discuss each incident clearly and what you feel and why she feeling in different way.
May be the discussions will cause more fightings but thats fine, its between you your sister and parents. Dont involve outsiders.
But definetely open up and give ultimatum to your sister about her selfish nature.
tell her all her thoughts and blamings are completely untrue and she better start being thankful to all of you.

Ask her what did she do to any of you?

Today she is single but tomorrow she will get married. if she behaves same and gets into bad situation and on top blames you, it will be mental torture for your parents to see daughter like this.

Especially the below one you said. she treats your parents like maid and you cant say anything?. Your parents telling you expecting you solve their problem. so find a solution.
Either plan a visit to them, sit and talk to your sister. or talk in conference.
Tell her they are not her maids and she should help your parents in house chores.
all the best

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

Hi all
Gradually, in college, my parents would do or buy everything to make her happy, newest dresses. From many many years, they been venting out to me against her.
About her not help in house chores, not doing anything, lashing out for mom not washing her this cloth that cloth, dress not sent for stitching or not bringing..like mom is free maid who also pays for her expenses.
but her body has reduced half.
I am so disturbed from last 2 days that I needed to share my pain here in US.
Click to expand...

sanjuruby3 · Feb 26, 2016

Thanks StrongLady for answering to my long long post.
I am going to India for brothers wedding so hoping to talk to her. Thing is we have kind of deparated ways and do not walk on phone much unless some occasion or mom forcefully gives her phone, she hardly talks to me or texts me.

when that episode happened, as we were still on call ( mom and me), I told mother to give her phone, she did not come, and we had 1-2 text exchanges because I was mad, she mentioned, she offered to pay, no one is satisfied, she will correct her mistake by 2morrow.. (how by fasting, no speaking to anyone). She is not staying hungry but not eating at home , talking to anyone. Mom talks to me to vent out her steam.

When she shouts, parents get scared. It is completely their mistake they do not slap her back and try to pacify her by cooking or gifting her.

Rihana · Feb 26, 2016

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

I am so disturbed from last 2 days that I needed to share my pain here in US.
Click to expand...

Sanjuruby, here's a suggestion not totally related to this problem.

You have a full plate in your life itself. A toddler, job, sorting out daycare stuff, picky eater, making time for the little one, and finding the time and energy to also take more care of yourself - grooming, exercise, eat better, some more focus on career.

There is not much you can do for your siblings and parents other than providing a willing ear whenever your mother wants to talk. The India trip is going to be so hectic with just the wedding and a toddler to manage... packing for return trip from a house that is not your America/Canada house, is even more challenging... Overall, during the trip you won't have time to address family issues that are of such chronic nature.

Don't stress yourself out so much. Yes, some sadness will be felt when you think of your parents dealing with all that.. but, they are more experienced than you... help a little, offer some support, but don't make their problem as something you have to fix by hook or crook. You be happy in your life, that is itself a big satisfaction for them - that one child is well-settled and mostly happy.

Ragini25 · Feb 26, 2016

If she stays hungry, let her stay hungry.
If she wants to go out of the house, let her go.
Basically dont yield to her stupid tantrums, dont pamper her, and she will fall in line eventually once she understands no one cares abt her stupid tantrums.

joylokhi · Feb 26, 2016

@Ragini25,
perfect suggestion, but the problem is parents will never take such a stand - and there lies the reason for the issue itself.

yellowmango · Feb 26, 2016

OP....you have your hands full.You cannot solve this problem over a trip.You are going for a happy occasion ,let it be happy .If you try to raise the issue...you will just be stirring trouble and causing tension without actually solving anything.

This is a problem between your parents and their adult child. Even if she is giving them grief ,there must be other happy moments between them.People tend to vent out frustrations but forget to mention the good times. She is their last child,they indulge her probably because she is the apple of their eyes.They must be venting to you at times of frustrations.

Unless she is down right abusive,let them deal with it.If she was,they would not be taking her out shopping etc. They are two of them versus one of her. They will deal with her.Like ragini mentioned,they can always use the iron hand if thy are really fed up.

ssg · Feb 26, 2016

Dear Op,

This is very tough for your parents. sounds very weird that she doenst talk to you at all on phone. I mean being a sister, usually 2 sisters are so close that i always wanted to have sisters.

Have you been talking to your parents in phone. Did you see personally the bad behavior of your sister when you visited.

Since you are only talking to your mom regularly, from her perspective seeing your sister behavior. may be when you see personally you might see the mistakes your parents do which really make your sister piss off so she shouting.
Coz it happened to me. my brother stays with my parents. my mom complaints few things about him complaining that the house is not clean etc. so i got angry on my bro that he cannot tell my parents to do house work etc. but when i visited India i did agree with my brother. My parents room was so dirty and they were getting sick so he was trying to tell my mom to keep the house clean. my mom was spending her time more with relatives non sense than doing some basic things at home. i then realized and told mom not go get carry away by relatives and help them instead first concentrate on the house tasks.
I agree with strong lady on talking to your sister in person. But first observe for few days your sister behavior. may be she is saying just to vent out abt getting new dresses etc, being the youngest she is pampered so expects more.
explain her politely that she should be more responsible and also think about helping parents and you or brother. tell her parents are hearing all this, but tomorrow her inlaws or husband will not keep quite .

It is a good thing she is planning for a love marriage. make sure you guys express abt her behavior with tantrums to her would bee husband so that your parents dont face anything in future.

sanjuruby3 said: ↑

Thanks StrongLady for answering to my long long post.

When she shouts, parents get scared. It is completely their mistake they do not slap her back and try to pacify her by cooking or gifting her.
Click to expand...

ssg · Feb 26, 2016

@ Rihana and YM,
Do you have kids?. If so 1 kid or 2.
I dont agree with you suggesting her not to involve and let the parents handle on their own. agree that the OP should first observe the behavior in person and then think about talking. and OP should talk both with parents and the sister.

OP's sister doesnt talk to her. Isnt it weird. Having so much communication gap between 2 siblings.

If your both kids fight, dont you tell them not to fight and love each other. Having 3 kids may be OP's parents neglected the 3rd one which is now showing. Atleast today they should put the girl in right path before marriage.

Say tomorrow the girl will marry her BF and have same problems with him., They will blame the parents for her bad behavior but the parents or OP will not have anything to say.

Coz what can they say - Parents - She is an adult , she behaved same with us and we thought let her be like that spoiled brat.

OP and Her Brother - Our sister doesnt talk to us and we dont have communication with her so we cant say anything.

yellowmango said: ↑

OP....you have your hands full.You cannot solve this problem over a trip.You are going for a happy occasion ,let it be happy .If you try to raise the issue...you will just be stirring trouble and causing tension without actually solving anything.

This is a problem between your parents and their adult child. Even if she is giving them grief ,there must be other happy moments between them.People tend to vent out frustrations but forget to mention the good times. She is their last child,they indulge her probably because she is the apple of their eyes.They must be venting to you at times of frustrations.

Unless she is down right abusive,let them deal with it.If she was,they would not be taking her out shopping etc. They are two of them versus one of her. They will deal with her.Like ragini mentioned,they can always use the iron hand if thy are really fed up.
Click to expand...

yellowmango · Feb 26, 2016

It is a good thing she is planning for a love marriage. make sure you guys express abt her behavior with tantrums to her would bee husband so that your parents dont face anything in future.
Click to expand...

No...you never ever do that to family.What kind of people do this to their child/sibling?
Her behavior with her future husband is her business.