1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How to handle worried/scared parents lovingly?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sweetshreya, May 22, 2014.

  1. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,073
    Likes Received:
    5,286
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,

    Starting a thread here after a long time....

    As some of you know, I had a baby in Jan and in-laws were here for 6 months. Their stay, obviously, was not pleasant, there were too many issues. DH, as expected, was no support at all. But after being here on IL for more than 3 yrs, I could handle them without hurting myself emotionally. :thumbsup

    Today, my question is more about my parents. I have kept them informed about everything that happened in 6 months from time to time. I never wanted to involve them in my married life issues, but MIL has this ugly habit of calling up my parents and creating drama. So I had to tell them everything, because I didn't want them to be in dark about anything if MIL's nasty call comes out of the blue. As a result, my parents are mighty upset with my husband and marriage in general. My father is very worried and having sleepless nights, mom is sad that even after giving me a good education my marriage is no better than so many. It is affecting their health adversely.

    What do I do about them? Now that in-laws are gone, things are getting back to normal again. In their absence, DH and me don't have many issues. With an active growing baby to take care of, my hands are full, I hardly have any time to wallow in self pity over having nasty MIL. But my parents, they are refusing to get over it. Honestly, I'm getting slightly irritated by their attitude now. :thumbsdown I cannot expect my husband or in-laws to change. I cannot ask my parents to forgive them, or him either. I try to tell them that people have more severe problems of domestic violence and extra marital affairs, my case is nothing. I'm capable of taking good care of myself, etc. I have a good social life, friends and all. And yet they are upset. :bang How do I make sure that they don't worry over me?
     
    3 people like this.
    Loading...

  2. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    440
    Likes Received:
    753
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    It's pretty natural for parents to be worried. They are old ,mostly retired I believe in old age one does get over emotional, at least my mum has. She has become overly attached to me. I go to India every 6 months, this time my mum was thanking me badly for coming, saying glad you came really wanted to meet you and all. Even though things are fine at home. You can talk to your parents often, speak to them happily, tell them about your activities and your little ones. Tell them all the good things you do as a family. Each time you finish talking, tell them not worry as you are happy in your life, just tell them their over worrying is always making you tense so they should not worry unnecessarily. Send them pictures of your child. Once they realise that you are truly happy they will surely get over it.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    They started to worry when you had to share what was going on in your house with in-laws over. The worrying will reduce and eventually stop as you continue to share the happy stuff that is going on in your house with your in-laws gone.

    Shreya, this is when the more beautiful period of parenting starts - when it is just you, husband and growing baby. So much happens, so much to talk about, so much to coo over, so much to learn. You see each other as parents, and the bond deepens. In the conversations with parents, keep all talk positive, brush aside any references to your in-laws. Ask your mother for advice. Talk about when you and your brother were your baby's age. Compare baby related stuff in India to U.S.

    Frankly, you are doing what you must have often advised posters here to not do - making it your job to help your parents deal with your in-laws. In retrospect, sharing all the details over 6 months has made your parents worry more. You give them update, and move on, while there they sit and worry about what they heard. You could have just told them that MIL will create drama over phone, and they should ignore her.

    Let what happened in the 6 months visit become a thing of the past. You expected it, it happened. They are gone. Even if DH didn't support, inside he knows what happened. Enjoy the baby. Everyone including your husband, your parents and in-laws will react to how you react to things.

    Whom does the baby favor? Mom or dad? :) They say boys look more like dad to start with, and change later.
     
    3 people like this.
  4. cinderella06

    cinderella06 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,210
    Likes Received:
    517
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    All you have to do now is, start sharing more positive news from your side. Every time you talk with them show the joy in your voice and let them know that all your unhappy moments gone away with your in-laws to India. Tell them now you both are back to normal like before. Share the happy family photos with your parents more frequently. Do more video calls with your parents. Include your DH and kid in call. Show them your happy life and make them understand all these things are normal in every married life.
    Share your daily routine that you are enjoying. tell how your DH is helping with kid and you are so lucky to get him.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Sweetshreya....some good suggestions from members.
    Agree with them.I would liketo addthat probably what your parents arelooking for some signs that things will change for you in the future.Theyneed to know thatthishappiness isnot temporaray till the storm strikes againNow that you are a mother...you can put yourself in theirshoes and see their point of view..All our parents are growing older and they worry about us.May be other than telling them that you are very happy,you need to reassure thatnext time you will be more in control and haveplans to improve your positionin your home.

    You also need to tell your husband to make sure his parents stop troubling your parents by complai8ng .
     
    3 people like this.
  6. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,779
    Likes Received:
    1,010
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male
    That is unfair if their concern makes you get irritated. They are your parents, they always want good to happen to you. Even if they know the simple fact of life, intellectually, that life is not a bed of roses always, every one's life has its own share of hardships, EMOTIONALLY, THEY WILL REFUSE TO APPLY THIS BASIC FACT TO THEIR DAUGHTER.

    To their daughter , every thing should be good only, nothing other than good. It may sound silly. But, true, the parents do think that ! That is what is called UNCONDITIONAL AFFECTION !

    Just accept it and smile upon it, don't get irritated on it ! UNCONTIONAL AFFECTION is precious, priceless and rare, only a parent can give it ! Celebrate it, don't get irritated on it !

    You can't.

    Why ? You will not understand now.

    Probably, when your daughter gets married, after 20 years from now, then, you will understand why it is so ! :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    621
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Sometimes we can inadvertently cause our parents to worry based on the tone we use or the details we share. There's an art to sharing things just enough to keep them updated, but without revealing too much.

    I personally do share things with my parents — but on a semi-limited level. Usually, it's the good things. However, I won't tell them about my frustrations or details about the not-so-great things until I've dealt with them or at least gained clarity on my thoughts (often times, it's only after I've solved the issue, then I may mention the details) unless it's something really serious where they should probably know about it immediately.

    I think the other important thing is that when you do mention that you're going through a rough patch in life, or within a relationship, you can share that you'll do what you feel is the right thing to do no matter what. They should take relief and peace knowing that their efforts have not gone in vain, that thanks to them — you are mature enough and strong enough to deal with these adult problems you will inevitably face and with their blessing, overcome your challenges. You also should also be able to count your blessings and vocally share those, too. if your DH can make an effort to also reach out to your parents, or participate in your conversations with your parents, that will also give them a sense of relief because they're counting on him to take care of you from here on out. This goes a long way to quell parental fears about marriage or inlaws. My DH and parents share that relationship, and when we're working on our own little projects and side businesses, we'll share those aspects with my parents to update them and get their feedback that they're more than apply to provide. Over time, my parents have gained trust in my DH along with a sense of appreciation and respect for my MIL (who my mom did not like at all initially, but over time, when I tell her all the things my MIL has done right, it helps my mom refocus and appreciate the fact that I've been blessed with a fairly understanding MIL).

    I think aside from knowing that their kids are safe and happy, parents sometimes need that affirmation that they didn't screw up the whole parenting thing. That you have taken note and are prepared to deal with anything thanks to them :) That's the gentlest way that I've been able to talk about difficult matters with my parents.

    Also, no matter what, please don't get irritated. One day in your life, you will not have anyone like your mom and dad look out for you like they will :) Appreciate it. Love it. Reciprocate it.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2014
    1 person likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I went through the same, and still dealing with the remaining.

    My mom could not forget or forgive my in laws and my husband for their acts in the past. She hates them to the core, and she even feel bad whenever I say a good thing about my husband. She sees me as a fool to love such a bad husband. In fact, my mom still treat me as if I am a school goer, because she thinks my maturity hasn't grown despite of my educational and professional growth only because I allowed my husband and in laws to abuse me in the past. She refuse to understand that I've changed now, and I am no more an emotional dependent to them. She still compares even my domestic helper with me saying that she is better in handling her husband and in laws than me.

    Well, I was really irritated in the past, but now I started to see my mom's agony and her way of coping with her fears. I made her understand that "no one is perfect", but "it is their behavioral problems". Moreover, I've become too religious in the mean time, so I stopped complaining or even worrying about my issues. I left everything in the hands of God. He did the miracle in my life in no time!

    The only way to please your mom is to "life a happy life with your husband and show it out/loud".
    The same will demotivate your enemies, I mean in laws. That will soon motivate your husband to have more attraction towards you.

    Not so active in laws (No troubles)+ attracted husband (love) = Happy life

    Your happy life only make your parents come out of their worries. That will happen soon.

    Cribbing, being strong, trying to take revenge, self pity, showing the taste of their medicine, or anger would only affect your peace of mind. It drags your husband further towards in laws. Develop self confidence. Forgive in laws, and treat them as if they don't exist. Focus on how to bond further with the most important 2 (H and child). You will soon realize the worth of your life. Good luck :)

    The moment your in laws realize that you are happy, they will get the message that their son is no longer theirs but yours. So, they will become careful about abusing you. The moment your in laws part their ways, happiness will flow out in your life.
    Most of the time, happiness comes with little angels (kids) from up above (god). Cherish this special moment.

    Btw, congrats on your bundle of Joy
     
    3 people like this.
  9. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,073
    Likes Received:
    5,286
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks gals, for the wonderful replies. Made my confused mind clear as the sunshine. I guess I'm already doing what I should. Hope, 'time' will be my friend in this matter. mademydaysmiley
     
  10. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,073
    Likes Received:
    5,286
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Rihana you are the best. :) This sentence of yours brought me back to my senses.

    Right here too. :) DS was like his father when he was born. But anyone who looks at him now exclaims that he is mini me. There is absolutely no similarity between DH's and my looks. Yet, God managed to design a face that went from being 'just like him' to 'just like me' in four months, without him looking an entirely different baby. Wonderful !! :bowdown
     

Share This Page