How to handle very money minded , manipulative inlaws and very selfish BIL

pranavi13 · Apr 16, 2014

Thanks all ladies here for your time reading and giving me suggestions...It makes me feel little better than yesterday after seeing some suggestions. I will try to stop sending money from now on and In deed my DH also stated this last day when I had a discussion on it. Hopefully my DH doesnt change his mind set again. I am afraid that my PIL's are capable enough to do so much emotioanl drama to get their son back...and it had happened few times in past. When ever , I make effort and get my DH realize that we are being cheated, he will realize for few days and supports me.

And after few days, if they need their son ( i mean money from their son), they will slowly start playing emotional drama ( my MIL cries saying I did this, that to you, and now you are listening only to your wife...and all crap) and this sonny boy falls for it...I just pray this time it wont happen and he realizes completely and come out of it.

I need suggestion from you guys. Yesterday it happened this discussion and it took all over my peace. I couldnt able to concentrate at work, home and my mind is completely occupied with those hatred feelings, deep pain. And so sorry to say this, but I feel very painful when it comes to my mind that I have Now I want to talk to my PIL's and BIL, and ask them openely on their faces, why they are doing all this??? and is this the Justice you do to us. Why showing so much difference b/w two brothers? why one Son and DIL to go through pain and nothing for them and why everything saved for BIL and everything set ready for another DIL?...is it becoz, the other DIL is my MIL's brother daughter...is this the reason u are differentiating so much??..........sorry ladies...currently i have so many questions in my mind to shoot them......I dont know whether asking all these will help or worse the situation more.. I need you ppl to suggest me what to do with your experiences...

Nidhi2014 · Apr 16, 2014

Hi Pranavi,

Please put your foot down on finances with ur DH. I see you wrote you are still afraid of DH getting back into the loop, make sure this does not happen. don't get afraid but be firm on your actions.

Next thing is, how far can you go in this money matter? Can u involve DH's mama, chacha, uncles aunts and openly tell what his parents did to their elder son?? You have proofs of sending them money through EMI? All these thoughts are going to flare you up and disturb your mental peace. I think unless ur DH takes a firm stand and demands his money back, nothing is going to happen. But before even you start thinking in this direction, first get those 15L somehow.

I am afraid your DH may not be firm enough, make sure you do not let him go back to path that can ruin you and your DD. Your DH needs to take tough steps to get the money back to be fair to you and DD. Steps like stop talking to his parents and put them out in front of all relatives, legally he cannot do anything, but I feel parents at this age somehow somewhere know in their hearts that they wronged their son and the plan of action is to make them realize this, try emotional blackmail by showing how much hurt he is BUT V IMP thing is this has to be through DH NOT you. If you speak, DH may incline more towards his parents.

Regarding what happened in the past, the only constructive way you can fight this is (in my opinion), just learn from your past mistakes and do not repeat them, rest pray. pray has lot of strength. Pray to God that if you and DH have been sincere, then God should create ways and means to give you peace and your money back.

Do not even think of BIL and his wife..every person has to face his karma and there is a law of averages, if they are getting good head start, there is a possibility they may get stuck in their life someday. Everyone has to face the 7.5 yrs of Saturn (shani), it's good you faced it now and learnt life lessons, you are now more mature and realize how to deal with life better.

why don't you stop talking to ur ILs altogether?? DD as well?? I feel you have valid reasons to take this step. And again, all this after you guys get at least 15l. Follow the right path. You should not do the mistake of not reacting and take this crap from them. Head on fighting leave it to DH, you just stop interaction with them and Pray.

Take care
nidhi

suasin · Apr 16, 2014

Do you have proof of this money transfer from your H to your ILs? If you and your H are upto it, you can ask for it back saying it was understood the money was an 'interest free loan' and ask for it back!! It is a 'gross misuse of trust' that your ILs got a property in their name with your money. But I guess noone wants to kick up a big fuss over money however big the sum is!!!
i am in the same boat, being out of the country, most of our earnings in ILs names. But I know my BIL is a decent guy, but even then, i have records of money sent n transferred.. Just in case. Criminal mind I have, huh???

tndocgirl · Apr 16, 2014

Hi, ur situation is very similar to my mom's. Years ago, before her marriage, my dad had saved quite an amount and bought a house in his elder bro's name. This was almost 35 years ago. After my parents had 2 kids, my dad understood just how much he had been cheated. After much discussion among themselves, mom and dad decided to distance themselves financially from my gp's family. They would visit now and then, act polite, expect nothing in return and so there were no problems. They made sure that only dad's earning will have to carry forward the family. Now me and my bro are both independently quite well settled. My parents also have a nest egg put away for their future. Two years back my grandpa passed away after a year of bedridden sickness. My parents made sure he was comfortable and did their share in helping out. After his death, they didn't bother to read the will or its statutes. Basically dad feels he has done his duty as a son and his conscience is clear.
What I am trying to tel you is that while life is not always fair, you won't always get a raw deal. Try to forget whatever savings you have lost in the past. Make sure you don't lose anything in the future. Make sure you teach your kids to be independent and take care of your own futures. Trust me, between you and your husband, you'all have all the support and company you need.
Take care.

kelly1966 · Apr 17, 2014

Now with so much hatred for them in my heart, I just want to go to them , ask them straight forward on their faces...is this the justice you are doing for your elder son?? what mistake he has done and I really wanted to ask them to give our savings back. I dont know whether this work out or not and I am afraid that it backfires...but I have to put all my hurt before them and make them understand that you are doing wrong...Do you have any suggestions on it? Will it make any change If I talk very openely on their and BIL face asking about our savings back? or Do I need to keep quiet .

Thanks,
pranavi
Click to expand...

Hi.. My advice is never do that.. at this moment your DH is upset with family and may stand by you but after a few years when the memory fades and parents health fails and emotions are not so high.. he may feel that you were too forceful or mean..
best to stay clear of all this..
Best is do your duty whatever you consider the basic.. from now onwards save up for yourselves .. don't depend on anybody for help financial or otherwise..Life will be a peaceful journey