1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How to handle this????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tugga, Feb 17, 2010.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    692
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all,

    I am back again with yet another issue to get your honest opinions and suggestions/advises to move on in my marriage life.

    Please bear with me if I cannot agree or follow some of your suggestions, as it may not simply go with my instinct. But I really value all your advises a lot, that really makes sense. I am happy to say that your advises have made me grow up so mature in my life, and that is the ONLY reason still I want to post my problems here for your suggestions.

    Here goes my problem:-

    As you know, I have resigned my post here, and going back to India in a couple of weeks for good. I have made my DH understand my reasons and need for a family life with him. He also happily agreed to start TTC immediately after my arrival.

    The construction works of our own house is not completed yet, hence we have decided to find a rental appartment for now, and continue to monitor the constructions. Both my DH and I are looking for appartments via our friends and relatives and I have found a couple of nice ones with reasonable rentals.

    Meanwhile, my FIL has a problem in our decision. Reason being, my DH and his younger brother are staying in a 1 room bachelors appartment now. They share the rentals, and apparantly both have paid the advance money until Dec 2010.
    My BIL is a doctor, who is not used to metro lifestyle. He simply cannot cope up with such a fast life alone, hence he wants to stay with his brother always - This statement indeed didn't come from my BIL, but my FIL told me this and asked me to adjust with them in that appartment, which I cannot.

    I have stayed there a couple of days during my last vacations. Its a hell. i and DH used to sleep in that small bed room, my BIL used to sleep in that living room (???), and I must cross my BILs room always to access the bathroom, which is so inconvenient, as I am not comfortable to walk infront of my BIL with my night dress ( specially in nights).

    Their kitchen is just filled with wastages and books of my BIL. You know how bachelors live...:bonkThey don't allow me to clean and cook there, so I will have to just lock my self in that bedroom all the time, and do nothing. I just cannot. period.

    When I explained this, my FIL says "OK.. then you will have to go back to your momma's house and stay there. My Son will come and meet you in the weekends."
    How cruel is this?? I have been longing to live a live with my DH since marriage, and now also he wants me to stay away from my DH.

    My boneless DH, who has 1000000000000000000s of dreams to live a life with me, he used to talk about it so many times, but now reacts as if he is very busy and cannot finalyse any rental appartments now.
    I am sure, my DH was pressurized by his family, as they always tell he shouldn't leave his brother alone for his wife.

    I have no problem in accomodating his brother or whoever in my home. All what I need is some privacy with my DH.
    My BIL can not travel more than 30 mins in a car, so he needs the appartment near by his hospital (he is a doctor by the way). He has so many requirements like that, but it is not easy to find a home with all these requirements immediately and in a reasonable price.

    Secondly, we will be on TTC, so I could get pregnant anytime soon. Also, I am planing to work in India asap. If that is the case, I feel my DH should think about my convenience when selecting an appartment as I am his immediate dependant, not his brother.

    I can argue, fight or reason out my rights to my DH. But like in the past, all will detach our emotional connections only. I don't want to lose his love, specially at this time when I have so much hopes to start a new life with him.

    I am 100% sure, that my DH too loves a private life with me. But he just cannot go ahead without his dad's green signal. He has been used to live like this, although he doesn't accept this bitter truth.
    Moreover, if my DH adjusts with me, his folks will abuse him verbally and start bad mouthing or questioning about his masculinity. That is the ONLY reason behind his cold behaviour to keep my mouth shut and adjust with him.
    He believes, everything will be all right, as they will stop influencing gradually and we shouldn't hurt our parents for smallar matters.
    But I am afraid, as I may lose all my newly wedded dream life because of these nonsense. After having a baby, we cannot go back to our private life and enjoy.

    I really need some advice on how to tackle this problem without losing my DH's love and good mood at this stage. Please help me.
     
    Loading...

  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,502
    Likes Received:
    301
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    i understand your concern tugga
    how insane is your fil to say you live at your moms place and he comes in weekends
    then why did they get you guyz married.
    i know and understand your feelings to be with your dh
    why not check for a double bedroom flat with attached bathrooms so that you can have happy stay with dh and let your bil be thre
    how old is your bil?are they looking for alliances for him?
     
  3. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    890
    Likes Received:
    428
    Trophy Points:
    145
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Tugga,

    why dont u try searching for an apartment in the same complex in which ur DH n BIL stay now?:idea

    Now that you have planned for a new life brush aside all these issues. Do not argue or fight with DH, FIL, MIL any one, dont crib to your parents too, because parents would be disheartened and emotionally against your inlaws.

    With every issue popping up now try to deal them diplomatically. Do not let your parents or ILs come in the way. First figure out a house in the same building as your BIL's and move in with your husband and let your BIL visit you guys for brekfast and dinner.Your FIL should not be having anything against this I hope.Whatever be the case do not go to your mothers place.

    All the BEst!:thumbsup
     
  4. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    692
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for your prompt response Lavii.

    My BIL is turning 28 now, and they are looking for alliances for him, but the wedding will be definitely after this year.

    I am afraid about my FIL's hidden agenda. He is not at all happy with my decision to quit this job and come back to India. He just doesn't wanna lose this golden egg laying duck out of me, so he tried hard by all the means to keep me here in Sudan.

    But I have put my feet down and made my DH understand my issues/needs, and finally I have come to a decision to resign and go back.

    This is what irritating my FIL it seems. He wants me to stay at my mother's home and meet my DH during weekends only (making no point in my resigination, so I may go back to Sudan and resume my career).

    That's a good idea. This is what the type of house I am looking for. But again, the location (it has to be closer to his hospital), traffic issues, blah, blah... makes me upset. My BIL has too much of requirements.... I dont know how to open my DH's blinded eyes in this regard.
     
  5. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    94
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    Tugga I think you should compromise a bit. Your BIL has been brother to your DH for 28 years and it's not reasonable for him to expect to be chucked out just because you are back. In marriage you have to be diplomatic so that you can win the war without displaying your weapons. So find a 2 bed apt that suits both your needs and that of your BIL. It's for the short term only na, not for your entire life! I am sure that BIL will himself want to move out to avoid being a 'kabab me haddi' after awhile.

    Extending the diplomacy, if your BIL is the right kind, i.e. nicer than your lovely FIL, it may be wise for you to put him in your corner. Be nice to him, don't dissapear with DH into the bedroom as soon as he comes etc. If he sees you making an effort, he may support your future endeavors. But this is only if he is not a pupper in his dear dad's hands. But in my experience, it never hurts to be nice to people as long as they are not being rude to you. You never know when you might need them.
     
  6. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Tugga... which city are you looking at? you can check out whatever you want on the net for the locality and rent rates.. there are alot of websites for lease and rents brokers real estate agents etc... you can call and atleast ask someone from family to have a look and then inform DH about the apartment...and he can finalise..
    its all very simple nowadays...
    K
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    692
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Sarajara,
    Well, I asked my DH to look into this option. Also he said, my BIL may go back and forth to Malasiya for his studies in the mean time, so his presence wouldn't make a huge difference. Thanks for your suggestion.


    Dear Pmahensa,
    My BIL is indeed a very good person. Not like my FIL, but like my MIL who is also a nice woman.
    I have always been good with him, and will be also practicing the same. My problem is that we both are not comfortable in that smallest appartment with my BIL sleeping in the next door. But if there is a reasonable appartment with two bedrooms, a decent kitchen and bathroom would be 100% fine with me.

    I can even cook for my BIL and make him happy like an own sister.

    You are right, I should be nice with everyone and make them understand my concerns. This is the right weapon to beat my nasty FIL.
    Thanks for your advice.

    Dear feduptocore,
    I have found couple of nice appartments, and asked my cousin to have a look. She is fine with everything and gave me a go ahead. So, now I have asked my DH to visit them for his green signal after consulting with his brother.

    I think my FIL has just poped in and pressurized my DH once again in this regard. So now my DH is hesitant to visit the houses by claiming he is busy. Whatsoever, I finanlly made him agree to visit those houses with me as the matter of priority (in 2 weeks i will be in india). Thanks for your advice.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
  8. piscesy2k

    piscesy2k New IL'ite

    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I cannot believe the audacity of your FIL to decide your and your DH's life ...Especially since you are abandoning your career for your guys sake...This is ridiculous...and i feel sorry for your DH that he cannot understand that after marrying his primary responsibility is towards his wife..I simply cannot believe your FIL is least bothered about his sons happiness..Your brother is hardly a kid...And i feel really really angry at your wonderful FIL to even attempt to expect you and your DH to forego your convenience and privacy for their selfish needs...If they are so concerned about your BIL why doesnt he live with him himself?...such selfish people...Im not surprised your BIL or DH are least bothered about this...It all boils down to the upbringing

    I hope your DH changes his mind and makes a decision of his own
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Tugga,

    After reading this, I think your FIL might also control your finances through your husband. Earlier you had issues with money, so your husband might simply nodding his head to father for money transactions.
    So you need to very careful and diplomatic with your FIL.
    Between my parents, and me, my parent’s respects each and everything what I say and they don't ask against my decisions.
    But my husband situation is different. My MIL never ever listen to anyone. She only tries to control sons. Even my husband has habit of nodding head to his mom because they have been raised that way with too much of control.
    The way now how your husband not able to provide accommodation to you against his father wish then he might also have transferred the money across the accounts on his father advises.
    So you need to handle your husband carefully. I think the best situation is talk to your BIL>. Typically younger kids will go against parents.,I think you need to gang up others in the family and take a support as other members advised.
     
  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    692
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly... You are 100% right Priya.

    My DH's family is like that. Parents are too much influencing and over controling type. They act as religious, and hold the astrological reasons and remedies in hand to control their sons.

    For instance... My youngest BIL is in UK now. It has been 4 years since he visited home, so wanted to come during last X mas vacation. He has work permit, VISA, money and all the legal requirements to travel back and forth. But, my FIL asked him not to come. Reason being... there will be many part time job oportunities in the UK during X mas times and he shouldn't lose this extra money. He is a professional Engineer by the way.

    To validate his reasons, my FIL used some horoscope matters, saying my BIL's horoscope shows a very bad time during last Dec, and hence he should avoid travelling and major decisions that time. The period will be cleared after this June only......

    Since my DH and BILs are used to accept their father blindly, they don't suspect or question their father, rather they just accept and follow.

    I have recollected all these incidents to analyse my recent money issues with my DH and now I have come to a conclusion that my DH too nodding his head to his dad for whatever the astrology, religious or horoscope reasons. He just trust his dad is a perfect astrologer, and predict things for their good.

    It is not my DH's fault, it is his weakness... So, I am not going to fight this time, rather I am hoping to handle them in a very diplomatic way.
     

Share This Page