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How To Handle This?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Halosandwings, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    It is always a relief to have one's home back to oneself. Even after a much welcome guest has left. It is a relief to be back home even after a fabulous vacation. You were energized to set things in motion, new routines with a much more experienced you and a now-older baby.

    There seems to be a pattern of lapse in communication between you and husband. Couldn't communicate need to increase nanny's house. Now, not being upfront about your views on her planned visit.

    A parent visiting and staying beyond a week is a big decision. Even if she has taken care of your child, having her over is a big decision. You can and should express your feelings and preferences about the visit. It is too soon for another visit by any parent. A new baby, move to another state, new jobs(?), India trip with baby, MIL/FIL at home, all happened in 12-15 months? That is a lot of stress.

    You can say that you want her to come a little later. And you can gently and tactfully tell husband what he needs to do related to her visit, before and during the visit. Be tactful. Do not bring up the 15-30 points. Keep your points minimum. Deliver them without any blame or bringing up the past. Be specific, very specific. Tell him what he needs to do. Not what you hope his mother will do/behave.

    1. Leave the past. Your grievances might be justified, but bringing them up now will make you look petty. All will view it like we are viewing it here. And we are known to be very pro-DIL and anti-MIL.

    2. You work and say that you don't ever want to quit, cannot imagine quitting. So, you must be good at what you do. Employ some work strategies and techniques at home such as predicting the capabilities of other people. Finally, you are responsible for the household and child's care. Start to take some decisions after informing husband but not waiting for approval. You do realize how different things would have been with a fulltime nanny when MIL was around? You have money to spend on house in India, and are not kanjoos, but didn't spend it when it would have helped most. If husband protests, tell him, "you don't make/made milk, I do. So, I get to make some decisions about child's care, nanny hours etc." Leave it at that. Don't start listing his mother's faults.

    3. Lay the blame where it belongs. On your husband and you guys not discussing things more openly. All that your MIL did and did not is pretty par for the course.
     
    SinghManisha, SpritualSoul and radv like this.
  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Baby needs change from
    Month to month , my kid also refused formula at around 5 months even though was used to formula multiple times , this was just before I went back to work. I did not listen to my mom who cautioned me to get baby on to formula soon and not wait till late but I was little hesitant and also since baby used to take formula , I did not think it was good .

    I did the same thing as you did , I used to go late , come back in lunch Tim in auto , feed baby and go back to work.

    My kid never went back to formula , I did this mid day feeding till he turned one and started sleeping during lunch time and was more dependent on solids.

    I think your MIL helped you enough , you are expecting too much . Why would you want to depend on mil's when you are at home , it is time for bonding .

    Your nanny came at a right time when your baby is more settled , hence you feel she is a blessing , if she would have been in mil's place , may be she would have behaved same .

    If you don't want them to come back or delay travel , you need to speak to your husband and delay it baby is little more older.

    If you are unable to do anything , then continue nanny and you routine as you are doing now.

    Food will be an issue again as you don't spicy food and they may not eat your type I food , you will need to find a solution to this.
     
  3. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    1. Don’t explain yourself to people who won’t understand.
    2. You are a human being, we all learn from mistakes.
    I see so many boasting comments in this thread on how they handled motherhood without in-laws or parents help. I did without my inlaws and parents help too. Though both parents were eagerly offering to help us, we told no. Me and my husband took that responsibility as its our kid. Op - I respect your thought process. Though I don’t agree with your expectations from your mil, I am not going to vilify you. I completely understand why you feel bad. My few cents:
    Please understand kid is yours and your husbands responsibility. If at all you need help from your mil when you are busy in kitchen, request her if she can help with kid for sometime. Expect and respect if you get no as an answer. Thank her if she has helped with the kid even for few mins. She is a human being and aged. We don’t know what she is going through. You love your kid. Just show the same love to your mom/mil. By which I mean, just because they are women doesn’t mean they have to participate in helping a new mom. Mothers accept no as an answer from their own kid but they get upset and personal when ppl tell no as answer to take care of their kid (even if it’s just few mins). You have done good things to your inlaws, your intentions are good. Just don’t expect the same from them. No one owes us anything. Though it’s difficult, Just accept the way they are. We are all god’s creations. Let’s not criticize god’s creation.


     
    sheztheone, Deborah and radv like this.
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Your nanny is a professional doing her job. You are paying her to do what she does for your child.
    Your MIL is not a professional babysitter. She is not being paid to care for your child or to cook for you.
    Yet you are very appreciative of the nanny and very critical of your MIL's efforts. Why?

    Your MIL has no power to make decisions about the nanny's hours. The decision was your husband's. When he wanted to increase the nanny's hours, he did so. MIL's opinion on this did not count.

    MIL did her job and raised her son. Raising your child is the joint responsibility of your DH and you.

    Your anger is misplaced. Your quarrel is with your DH, not with your MIL. He should be sharing the burden of cooking, cleaning and child-rearing. He should have been the one to notice you were overworked and step up to lighten your load.

    You were indeed shouldering an unfair burden during your MIL's visit. But it was your DH who let you down, not your MIL.

    Getting some clarity on who is responsible for child-rearing and household chores will greatly help you now and in the future. It will certainly make your MIL's next visit a more pleasant one.
     
    SinghManisha, docathome and rosy786 like this.
  5. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Everybody! Here I go again! I am back to big paragraphs.


    1. I had a few minor issues with her which really did not bother me much like her disapproval on using disposable diapers to the baby ( I have tremendous respect for people who use cloth diapers and I use biodegradable ones) and occasional taunts on my not wearing gold (I don’t wear even to functions) and if I cook something special or make a Rangoli for eg say that my SIL does these so better ( which she probably does. My SIL is sweet. My MIL never says what I have done is neither good or bad. It just drifts off towards SIL, which I don’t understand why)


    2. There were things I consider are in bad taste like she told me to ask my parent to get a gold waist chain for the baby. We already bought things we thought relevant like chain and a bracelet. I as an adult earning daughter do not like to ask stuff from parents even if it is custom(besides it’s supposed to be gift not demand). She wanted 200 sweet boxes to give away when we went to India. 2 days before the sweet boxes were to leave FIL called and wanted another 50 boxes. My parents arranged that. Then my MIL tells me that those 250 were not enough and she could not send sweets to everyone she wanted. I was little annoyed as my parents gave money to gift clothes to all the extended family members ( Hubby’s uncles, aunts etc) and gifted baby chain, 2 bracelets and ofcourse the waist chain. (I was asked to keep my mouth shut by my parents) at the end it was not enough. Then she made up stuff saying my father told that he would make arrangement to take our luggage to international airport which was not true, which I told everyone that it’s not true and what ended up happening was my father ended up making arrangements (our families do not live in a metropolitan area).


    3. She would tell me that she used to cook this, cook that, decorate this and do that. I mean basically praise her home making skills.


    4. She would tell me that my SIL is suffering in her MIL’s hands. I did hear from others that SIL’s MIL is not a good person so I believe what my MIL says must be true. But SIL lives in a different metropolitan city from her MIL and probably meets her 2 or 3 times a year. I understand words can be traumatic for a long time but I was little tired of listening to the repeated narrative.


    5. She told me that both FIL and MIL prayed that we will have a boy (I find this quite annoying). Husband and I wanted a baby girl.


    6. Coming to husband, when the baby was born he would hold my leg on one side while I pushed the baby out, stayed up with me when baby was new born. Baby had jaundice and very irritable and would not sleep he was by my side helping me. He would refuse to keep the baby down though I was protesting that could make him wanting constant contact. He would give bath to the baby before he got head control as I was little scared to handle.


    7. He started to change gradually. He started to sleep another room when baby wake up crying. Bathing became my responsibility gradually etc.


    8. My MIL who would not bother much to help when I am cooking or cleaning would jump in to help if I asked my husband to help me with something (That really used to irk me).


    9. In the end, it was like – I can not take help from my husband because she would not let him help and I was getting frustrated with everything.


    10. Now, my baby is very attached to me. I know at this age they are usually very attached to mothers. But mine protests if his dad holds him even though I am sitting there. If my husband tries to join when I read bedtime story he protests. Things are slowly getting better these days. Husband and I both give bath. I think he feels little jealous of my relationship with the baby. Today my baby intentionally went to his dad from me. I have been working the long weekend and husband is taking care of him for four days probably helped.
     
  6. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Putting these in words have actually helped me to realize certain things. It helped me to clear certain extreme emotions. It actually helped me to organize my thoughts. I think I should try this more often.


    1. I realized what annoyed me with MIL was her change in behavior when people are around and I realized that I can not change her behavior. The only thins I can change is my reaction to it.


    2. I realized that I did not like leaving the work 4 times a day and I was very dissatisfied with myself for not giving my best at work. Please understand calling mother when a child is crying inconsolably is different that calling mother every time the baby cries. I think she would not call my husband because she did not want my husband to lift a finger. A handful of times I sent my husband to handle the issue. Looking back, may be I could have sent him more often.


    3. One of my biggest fears with MIL visit is is that my husband would go into frequent ice king mode – its my nick name for the times he decides to sulk, he communicates but with minimal words peppered with nonverbal contempt. It’s like I know there is something wrong and I have to dig it out of him but he won’t come out with it. It’s like you have to look for the needle in the haystack but don’t know where the haystack is.


    4. Another worry is the bonding between the father and baby would be interrupted. I wanted to know from men, if it’s common for fathers to act that way. Very excited when baby was born and then kind of take back step etc. My husband seems to have a romantic but not practical vision of his mother raising our baby. My unmarried brother mentioned something like he would like my mom to be a part of raising the baby. Is this the way men feel like their babies should be raised by their mothers because they turned out to be so good?


    5. My husband has been in ice king mode since Wednesday, the day he mentioned MIL will be coming in Feb. He plans to go to India in Jan and return with his mom in Feb. I did not say much. I have a feeling it’s more like a FYI thing. May be its not. His secretary told me 10 days back he did not request any schedule change for January and his schedule was full on the intended days he wanted to travel. My husband used to go in Ice king mode once in a while in the past. It was increased in frequency when MIL was around and then its resurfacing again. My MIL loves to come to US and FIL hates to come here. She had visited US in the past for 6 months while FIL decided to leave soon. I may not able to postpone her visit. May be I can ask FIL to come too. I don’t know.


    6. Now, please tell me this. Is there a cultural nuance that I am not understanding here. I remembered one of my Indian friends telling me that her MIL would not cook enough and tell her to eat less so her husband can eat more. Is there a cultural thing that kind of in the subconscious mind not to make enough food. I personally feel that it’s abuse. I still do not understand why cook less even when there is a fulltime nanny. By the time baby is 7 or 8 months I was weighing less than my pregnancy weight and had some health issues. Besides, how am I supposed to make breast milk? BTW going low carb is not that hard you just substitute your roti with low carb tortilla from the store.


    7. Also, I noted that I have a different perspective regarding what would be considered as hard work. It probably comes from the way I was raised. My mother is 61 and father is 64 and both still work and their work is harder than mine and they want to continue what they are doing for another 4 years. The universal consensus here was what I have expected from MIL was unfair. maybe it is. I really don’t think some of you are trying to be hard to me.. I mean what would you gain my being hard on me? I think you expressed was your honest opinion. Please give me on what kind of additional support my MIL would have needed. As I mentioned nanny would clean, empty dishwasher, handwash dishes, make food for the baby, cut veggies for MIL, do baby’s laundry even when she was part time employed. (I think my nanny lives in a lamp)


    8. Is there a cultural block that prevented her from asking to extend the nanny’s hours? My own parents tell me that I am some what alienated from my culture (I left home when I was 15). My husband would have done it in a blink if she asked. Once again, money is not an issue for us. I told her clearly that we can extend nanny’s hours depending on her convenience. Is there some kind of cultural thing (I am not able to put in words) here that could have prevented her from asking?


    9. In general, what are the cultural expectations of Dil towards her in laws and vice versa? My understanding or expectation is that the care would be/should be mutual. I always wanted them to be happy and tried to keep them happy. We visited India almost once a year, buy gifts, buy house, car etc. We take them to places when they visit here. I was instructed by my parents that I should always go to their house when I come to India and I do that. My parents do things to keep them happy. Why my comfort was not considered whether it’s food or to work peacefully. Let me know if such expectation is not culturally acceptable or uncommon? I can put on my big girl panties and move on but I just needed to know.


    10. I am glad that some of you opted to go with nanny from the beginning. I wish I was that smart. I had this worry about trusting a stranger and I personally think I am damn lucky to find a very good nanny in my first try. She was the only one I interviewed. As you guys pointed out I could have been assertive and that’s true. I have always been the kind of person that believed honey attracts more flies than vinegar. I thought I was trying to keep domestic peace with gentle persuasion, esp with husband in ice king mode. But looking back I realize that was not a smart move as domestic peace was lost anyways. May be vinegar has it’s role.


    11. My baby is started to show signs of delayed development around 10 – 11 months. He started to lose weight after his first birthday. I have to take him to physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, hearing testing, dietician etc. He gained some weight and started to walk when he is 17 months. I am kind of hinted to go for another round of speech and physical therapy but we decided to wait as we feel his cognitive skills are good.


    12. I have no intention of depending on my MIL for anything. I am going to continue what I am doing. I have an exam coming in last week of Feb. Hopefully I will start studying more seriously. We are in the process of TTC for second child but I cannot do baby dance with ice king. I guess I am just typing random thoughts that are coming to my mind and I should stop here. I wont be able answer everyone individually because of time constrains. I really appreciate you taking time to go thorough a random person’s ramblings. I think there is a lot of information I posted that I initially did not intend to share. At some point I will delete my posts.
     
  7. SonyThumma

    SonyThumma Senior IL'ite

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    >>At some point I will delete my posts.

    Just a note that posts cannot be edited or deleted after 2 hours .. Even if you delete your account in indusladies, this post/username will forever be present. Some extreme circumstances can be requested by sending an email to the admin .. read the policy ...
     
  8. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP - I have read the entire thread and all the comments too. IMO( at the cost of being blunt) , please don't look for people who will side with you in your opinion about your MIL and neither feel angered / irritated if they instead find a fault in you rather than the MIL.You seem compelled to prove your argument . Neither of us were there and shouldn't judge either you or your mil . If you felt in your heart that something was amiss in her behavior or your husband's , then trust yourself and your instincts. You are a first time mom , and like a majority of us on a learning curve . You trusted your MIL with certain things and unfortunately , they did not go down as you had anticipated . Your husband is a first time father too and in similar shoes. Moreover , he had wanted his mom to be there for the baby which you have fully gone along with. Other things that you mentioned - demand of gifts , "show- off" in front of her son , cooking peculiarities etc are something beyond your control and you should not think too much about them.No in law was ever perfect .Now, the take - away is to prepare yourself and your spouse for her next visit in such a way that you come out in a sane frame of mind when it's time for her to go. First of all, don't depend on her or your spouse's word, keep the nanny full time. If they have something to say, tell them you feel more at ease with the nanny there and you don't want the entire burden on MIL. Trust yourself and not them on this.
    Secondly , communicate with MIL about the cooking. You need to voice yourself and your needs . Also, next time you see her not helping you with the baby when you actually need her participation , ask for help openly - " please hold the baby while I cook" , " please keep an eye on the stove while I put the baby to nap ." If you see her on the phone when you need her to hold the baby, go and gently put the baby in her lap.Be authoritative but in a way that it doesn't feel so . You will have to be smart about it .
    Next, talk to your spouse. Ask him to keep the communication channels open.Tell him you will still need him to be the husband and father even when his mom would be there. He can't get stuck in a Son's mode through out her visit.
    From what you have described , your MIL's lengthy visits are here to stay. Use them towards your cause. Plan a date with your spouse and leave the baby with MIL. Your husband will like it . Keep the nanny ( she sounds like a Godsend ) full time. Keep your expectations lower from MIL. Let her come as much as she and her son want but be in control of your household.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op.....people can only respond to what you have written.
    The people have responded to what you had written in the first few posts.

    Most of what you have written s usual mil stuff except for the demands for jewllery. You should put a stop to that .

    Why does your mil need to come for six months specially since fil does not seem too keen to stay?
    Ask your husband why he separates them ( in laws) when she is not needed here to take care of kid .
    Why doesn't he let them live their life?
     
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  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    The choice to have kids and be a working mother are yours. Take responsibility for your choices.
    Your MIL taking care of YOUR baby for nine months is good reason enough to overlook her MILLION faults. She does not owe you anything at this point. You owe her a lot.
     
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