1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How to handle this PIL politics diplomatically?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ssrgopal, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. ssrgopal

    ssrgopal Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,
    This is a lengthy post!

    I am recently married (met through matrimony and got married within 2 months as we liked each other very much.. yes different caste also) and post marriage our ILs stayed with us for few days. Some of the problems I had faced are mentioned below:

    1. My hubby is fair and I am dusky, looks like my PILs are very concerned about it. Though FIL doesn't take this topic very much, but MIL whenever she gets chance keep boasting none of my sons are dark, all of them are VERY FAIR. My DH had not even mentioned about my complexion till date, he had never hurt me with any words till date.. touch wood. He infact apologized to me, because I was hurt by his moms' comments

    2. She always keeps talking about "my son is like this, my son is like that, our family is like this". All these dialogues used to be repeated atleast 5 times every single day. My DH never boasts... he is a very simple and down to earth person.

    3. MIL always passes sarcastic remarks, even if there is no necessity for such dialogues.

    4. I will not even be considered...Suppose if I make dinner and if we run out of batter, my DH says he will have rice which was kept for lunch and he force me to take dosa, saying he loves to have rice for dinner and yes it is the truth as well. My MIL comes to kitchen notice me eating dosa and her son eating rice, will ensure she keeps very less rice the next day, which will go to an extent such that I myself be left out with less rice for lunch, as I eat last. Even when we go outings, she serves excess to my FIL and she takes more and gives rest to her son, I will always be left out with very less. Then my hubby keeps some from his share.

    5. During their stay, they shopped like anything say around 1k USD for family friends. My hubby had recently come to US and due to marriage expenses also he didn't have much money. I was aware of his condition, so I never buy anything which I feel unnecessary, on the other hand she ended up buying excess materials for her, her co-sis and friend. Yes, I can't help and showed face, which they understood but still it continued. I felt extremely bad, how they took my hubby for granted. I am NOT telling he cannot do for his parents, but why didn't they understand his situation and shop less? This question pops up in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY.


    Now my current dilemma.

    I am pregnant and my parents are visiting us for delivery. As per the customs, my PILs are supposed to do something for the grand kid in gold. Our parents had already mentioned this to them and they royally ignored it. Have just sent some 10 sets of cloths and some eateries for us. Even for marriage, they didn't give me any gold, as per the custom. I didn't mind this at all. But for my kid, the same treatment is NOT ACCEPTABLE. How much will a small finger ring cost???? don't they even have that much money.

    MIL had called my DH and told, they are running short of finance and they were not able to do anything, and he also became upset believing all the story.

    PIL are gonna celebrate their 60th marriage anniversary this Sep and I am due April and they expect us to come to India. My DH has one more bro for whom they are still seeking alliance, so I actually planned to go to India only during his marriage and I adviced my BIL also stating the same and to have PIL 60th marriage during his marriage time.
    But as you are expected, my plan became utter flop and they are VERY STUBBORN to have their 60th marriage in Sep. My doubt is if I travel now, suppose BIL marriage gets fixed within few months, how many times will I travel with the small kid. My hubby is the only earning and we already have so much medical expenses. I am trying to tell my hubby this, but he stands on his point saying what if his Bro marriage takes time. So lets go in Sep. I have no clue how to handle this, I just don't want to dance to their tunes. How can I diplomatically handle this situation? I don't want to hurt my DH feelings at any cost and at the same time can't see him suffering without money also.

    Suggestions welcome!

    Thank you!
     
    Loading...

  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,337
    Likes Received:
    27,521
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    You don't live with them. 1,2,3,4 are not problems.

    5- Learn from it. Money matters are best handled between parents and child, not DIL or son-in-law. You showed a face, still the money got spent, now you are $1k short and the long face etched in everyone's memory and family lore. If your husband cannot manage his money, there is the problem. Not his parents.

    And, never know when their next visit will happen. $1 K spent on gifts is not that extravagant. Shopping for gifts for parents to take, and watching them enjoy the shopping, is a pleasure and privilege. That cannot always be timed with having plenty of funds.

    You have such a nice husband, screw the rest of the customs and rude people. Why would your parents remind your in-laws? Why invite trouble thus? Many people have this problem of gifts not coming to the U.S. - if it means so much to you, send them the money to buy and send you the gift. Simple. Everybody happy.

    The 60th wedding anniversary: You skip it. Let husband go. The sooner all get used to the idea of India travel not always including entire family, more peace on earth. Don't keep arguing about this. After child is born, put it on pediatrician's advice or something.
     
    sindmani, ssrgopal, Amica and 18 others like this.
  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    999
    Likes Received:
    674
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    your child will be 5 months by sep.if doctor says you and your child can go for 60 th anniv,then go else don't go.also for BIL marriage,if it gets fixed soon after 60 th bday,better skip that.attend the function that comes first.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,642
    Likes Received:
    23,055
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    1,2, 3 )Ignore ...she will get tired.You don't even live together.Learn to ignore.
    4)Her making less food is cheap.Thankfully your husband knows.
    Next time just offer to make some more.Rice takes very little time to cook.
    If outside,just order some more.She will be embarrassed and will not do it again.

    5)Gifts...just ignore .Plan your financial future with husband carefully.


    Regarding gifts for baby...I really think you are being cheap here.Gifts are gifts.Thy got ten sets of clothes...that is a lot.

    Your in laws and parents broke tradition and customs and accepted intercaste marriage.Why stick to traditions for gifts?Besides your traditions may be different from theirs.Your parents asking them to gift is as bad as the guys parents asking for gifts from the girls parents.

    Your inlaws are celebrating their anniversary.How can they change their anniversary date according to your convenience...or how can you expect your bil to have wedding at the same time as anniversary celebrations?

    If it is inconvenient for you...find some reason to not attend,but you can't expect people to change everything for you.


    Op...you have a good husband who stands by you very smartly and diplomatically.He has a good impression of you judging by your posts.Don't spoil your impression in his eyes by acting petty about a 'little gold ring'....or expect people to change their celebrations for you.Being petty will make you lose respect in your husband's eyes.

    If it is inconvenient,talk to out with your husband with reasonable reasons.

    OP ,you have a good marriage till now. Be happy.
    If my in laws had sent ten sets of clothes for my expectant child with eateries....I would be so happy and thank them very graciously.
     
    sindmani, ssrgopal, DKI and 10 others like this.
  5. Kukudukuu

    Kukudukuu Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    @Rihana, I want to have you as my guru.. You sound so cool and practical..
     
    2 people like this.
  6. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,736
    Likes Received:
    3,282
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    IMO it's better to attend 60th anniversary with your husband, depending on the time scales you can skip or attend the BIL wedding. You don't have to worry about the finances if your husband is OK with it. But not attending this one may create lot of problems in the family, also your DH may get hurt.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,337
    Likes Received:
    27,521
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    My first advice would be to take yellowmango as your guru. :) Many call her Ma'am for a reason. :)

    15-20 years ago, there was no IL, less internet, and less or no cell phones. All we had to make life bearable was epidural. :)

    OP, Congratulations on the upcoming addition to the family. Enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy.
     
  8. Justanotherwife

    Justanotherwife IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    657
    Likes Received:
    2,414
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Female
    Your roll number is 1124. Welcome to the Gurukul :thumbsup I follow all gurus Ekalavya style :coffee

     
    1 person likes this.
  9. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,747
    Likes Received:
    1,710
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    One problem I see in your post is they making less lunch or taking major portion when going out.for this , next time it happens say it aloud to cook more because you are so and so number of people . If it happens outside , just call waiter and order for another dish . No need to skimp and eat what your husband shares. Everyone gets the message or even if they don't , you have your food.

    Shopping of 1k during their trip to Us, it is between your husband and them. Your husband can speak out if he is financially weak.

    Regarding gold - yes it is good if they would have send gold. If they misers or cannot afford ,you cannot do anything or may be it is not their custom. Let it go, you yourself buy gold .

    60th anniversary happens on anniversary day and not on any random day. So dont force your opinion on them, that is their life event , let them celebrate it. You have a choice of not going, excercise it. Let your husband decide for himself.
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,484
    Likes Received:
    4,111
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    When you have such a wonderful hubby, I suggest you dont interfere with any inlaws thing, let your hubby do as per his hearts content. Let go of any and all inlaws complaints you have, except if its a direct and severe problem to you. You have a wonderful DH - just let him do what he wants
     
    sindmani and ssrgopal like this.

Share This Page