How to handle such possessive ils..plz help!

AbilashaJ · Aug 25, 2012

I am married since 4 yrs....no kids yet....my DH & myself went abroad
as soon as we were married....I thought that my problem was my ILS who were very
possessive,egoistic since my DH was brought up in such a way that he used to
share everything with my IL via phone right before wedding(ours is an arranged marriage)....
As many of the ILS they never left us alone,my MIL used to cry daily from the
day our visa was processed & finally ended in taking them along with us abroad after a few months....I thought that they felt insecurehttp://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/hide.gif since my FIL is a retired business man who was dependent on my DH....
My DH also wouldn't include me in financial matters since his parents would be hurt
if i dominated them according to their terms!
Then after our return from abroad i took treatment for irregular periods,my ILS would blame me for not having a kid in my DH absence,stupid reasons such as i'm not eating properly(acc to them eating properly means having rice in your meal-for breakfast,lunch,dinner)....
My ILS say to others in their family that they stay along with us as i don't give company to my dh & they keep him without getting frustrated...blah(5)...They spread falsely that i'm moody,lazy as i don't serve food for my DH(I was not allowed actually & later to avoid our clashes my dh served his own food:thumbsdown.....
i ignored all the above as petty issues & never cared before...now my periods are regular after medications...they didn't allow my dh to have a check up after 2 yrs of struggle i finally asked my dh for the tests:drowning ,the results were
too hard to digest as he was suffering from azoospermia(0 sperms),then after several consultations,surgery the count increased though with some motility issues....
My ils don't want us 2 have kids via assisted conception reasons:
a)expensive
b)they want us to be happy spending for my SIL,BIL'S kids...
c)According to them going for assisted conception after 4 yrs of wedding is too early...
d)want us to enjoy life(blah...)
e)my dh is scared of going to hospitals(though true)
The stupid most thing is i'm not able to convince my dh whole heartedly....
he has accepted to take treatment not in our city,but in a town as his friend
has suggested.....now adding to my ils torture,their relatives who pay visits
to our house is really a great disaster.....
My dh usually works till very late in the night,i've left my job in order to lead a peaceful married life....but the problem now is either my ils/their relative is always
with him,right from accompanying with him to office,calling him through phone to their relative's place if he returns early ...i'm also forced to go along(he'll go by car,while i've to walk along my mil,since the houses are close by)...all week -days/ends!
My problem is that i don't get time to discuss with my dh even about our treatment since these ils are always around,oneof them go with him in car to his
office & returns by bus while the other stays home watching me....they accompany with us till the consultation room since they give moral support for us it seems.....dunno how to handle...i'm really stressed please :drowning help me friends to solve my problem...I think the problem has gone so big since i thought that everything will change by time,but its becoming unbearable...as if i'm a slave for my ils!They act in front of my dh as if so caring & he quarrels with me if i complain about them....so i've stopped talking about my ils....but its very painful being suppressed every minute a day:bonk

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ramyapradeep · Aug 28, 2012

Hi Abilasha,

Sorry to hear your situation.

I would like to give you some suggestions.

1. You take the chance of being with your husband all the time.Do not leave the space void so that your IL takes it.You be the first one to tell them that you will be coming in car wit your husband.You have to speak out to get your happiness.
2. you and your husband eat together so that you can serve him.Do not care or bother about what you ILs say.See to that your husband is happy with your love and care.You take full control over your husband and dont let your MIL interfere.Tell hr straight away that you will look after him if n case she comes forward.
3. You guys try going out to beach or somewhere in weekends.Sit and speak out.Pour in all your love for your husband.You people try to spend time together.Do not tell you plans to your MILs before hand so that they also can join.
4. Do not keep nagging to your husband instead speak sweet and soft and make him understand things.Bring him to a point that he should love to have kids.
5. Take control of the house.When your MIL says something bad about you to others you smile and tell them that you are not allowed to do things.Do not hesitate.Do not give up your rights.
6. And last but not least try giving these 2 products from Amway Nutrilite to your husband.
i) Saw Palmetto with Nettle Root
ii) Siberean Ginseng
Do give it to your hubby.I very well know it increase sperm counts and other related problems.have seen some experiences in my circles.Its 100% herbal and free from side effects.It helps in such problems in men.Do use it.

I pray for you.God Bless.

jyotiparab · Aug 28, 2012

nice one ramya

ramyapradeep said: ↑

Hi Abilasha,

Sorry to hear your situation.

I would like to give you some suggestions.

1. You take the chance of being with your husband all the time.Do not leave the space void so that your IL takes it.You be the first one to tell them that you will be coming in car wit your husband.You have to speak out to get your happiness.
2. you and your husband eat together so that you can serve him.Do not care or bother about what you ILs say.See to that your husband is happy with your love and care.You take full control over your husband and dont let your MIL interfere.Tell hr straight away that you will look after him if n case she comes forward.
3. You guys try going out to beach or somewhere in weekends.Sit and speak out.Pour in all your love for your husband.You people try to spend time together.Do not tell you plans to your MILs before hand so that they also can join.
4. Do not keep nagging to your husband instead speak sweet and soft and make him understand things.Bring him to a point that he should love to have kids.
5. Take control of the house.When your MIL says something bad about you to others you smile and tell them that you are not allowed to do things.Do not hesitate.Do not give up your rights.
6. And last but not least try giving these 2 products from Amway Nutrilite to your husband.
i) Saw Palmetto with Nettle Root
ii) Siberean Ginseng
Do give it to your hubby.I very well know it increase sperm counts and other related problems.have seen some experiences in my circles.Its 100% herbal and free from side effects.It helps in such problems in men.Do use it.

I pray for you.God Bless.
Click to expand...

chandannasta · Aug 28, 2012

Hi Abilasha, your story can easily be solved dont worry. The only thing is if you don't get time then when in the night you are with him in the bed you can discuss with him sweetly. If you were from Mumbai I would have suggested you to go to CRYOS where you get the sperms secretly and your family dosent come to know about it. I donate my sperms myself over there and get paid from past 5-6 yrs. Its a very good organization. I know there must be such kinda organizations in Tamil Nadu. You can soon have your own kid, you have to continue your love life as it is and your husband wont even come to know about it and you can also have a baby and become a good mom. When a kid comes even ILS get hooked to it because their old game they get to spend playing with them. So the time will change soon. I am sure your time will change and you will soon see happier days.

GodIsOne · Aug 28, 2012

This is not the actual issue here but then I was wondering as to why someone should accompany your husband to the office?

Doesn't he question them? Is he not suffocated with all the attention? Was it like this even before wedding?

Some ILs are real jokers...Where on earth do they come up with these crazy ways of irritating DILs...I feel terrible for you but I am not sure as to what to tell you sweety.

sweetshreya · Aug 29, 2012

Can you meet him somewhere near his office at lunch time? Plan a short vacation for only two of you. Tell him during night that you wish to spend time together, that you are missing him in all the crowd of in-laws and relatives.

Your in-laws clearly don't understand your need of privacy. Deliberately make them feel ashamed, by having small loving gestures. Be very playful with him, stop him from leaving the room when you are alone. If they are possessive, you be double possesive about your husband. If there are newly weds around you, tell them, in front of everyone, how much you miss earlier days, time spent together, wish you two could take a trip somewhere again...

This is what I used to do.... I would call him cute names, ruffle his hair, pull his nose, pinch his cheeks, without hesitation in front of MIL. It annoys the hell out of her. She told me (when DH was not present, of course) that she does not like such behavior in the house. To which I simply replied, he likes it. She has been trying to hint DH about my impropriety but I don't budge. Take control of your husband, and once you do, talk about the medical problem.

JGVR · Aug 29, 2012

As other Il'its said you should show your care and love in bed to bring him to his side.Talk sweetly to him.Tell him about your friends who went for IVF/IUI and had wonderful kids.Read about what happens during the procedure and explain that to him to ward off his fear.Also discuss about the expenses part of it and sya it is worth it.

If you don't get time to talk even in bedroom then shoot him a email saying how you miss him badly and how you want to spend time with him.No H can resist such sweet emails.

sujadhana · Aug 29, 2012

i would rather suggest plan for vocations and spend some time together and deal with all d problems diplomatically

Padmash · Aug 29, 2012

hi,

Try to email your husband about your feeling and how you spend time with him. While mailing dont complain about his parents , just explain him how much you want to spend time with him alone and you want to discuss life ahead something all such things. It seems he is a good husband but his parents are too hooky and he is not attentive towards all this as he dont want any problems in family. but somewhere you are all left alone. He may not be understanding you are frustrated being surrounded all the time. I wonder he dont feel like spending time alone with you only... mail him and request him to plan a small vacation only two of you.. if you go on a honeymoon plan witll your in laws come together.. i think in situation like this they can stop themselves in spite of being bad mouthed by everyone.
You start controlling your life a bit. If they are so much keeping company to your husband, then you dont eat unless he joins you to eat. You show that you want to eat with him.. little difficult they cant pass some nasty comments on this too. But you have to do such things..

unhappywife · Aug 29, 2012

oh my god, heights of possessiveness.. Really can't live with such inlaws.. i too had interfering inlaws, but we are in the US now.. You cannot lead a peaceful life..

The point is your inlaws are very dependant on your husband, and they are scared that he will become very close to you and ditch them.. Oh my god, why the heck they get their son married, if they can't let him with his wife?

Your husband, he is also brought up in such a way that he doesn't go behind his wife.... The more you get close to your hubby, the more they (inlaws) will also try to get closer to your husband.. Sadly, there is no end to it. Your husband will not talk for you as he has grown that way..

Maybe, talk to your husband strongly that you need some privacy. Maybe you can find a separate home for yourself, where you can live alone(without your inlaws and husband) peacefully or find a job in a different place. Your husband can continue to stay with his parents and meet you only on weekends.. I don't know whether he will be able to accept this. But its for your good.

I swear, your life is going to be like this even after having kids.. They will try to keep the kids with them.. They will be possessive on your kids too..

Another solution, is to totally ignore your husband, don't pay too much attention to him. Draw him towards you.. Let him cry for the privacy you are asking for in this marriage..