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How to handle single kids without affecting their innocence?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by SupSam, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    I have been an active member of this forum since few months now and have been regularly reading the thread - "what is good for a child- to b alone or have another sibling growing along"
    There have been different cases, different experiences from different members there. May be mothers like me are trying to solace themselves from that big question - I hope I am not wrong!!
    I am a working mom and have a daughter of 3+yrs. Because of some health and other reasons, we are not willing and are not as such in a position to go for a second kid. I am now off the question that whether my decision is right or not because in all these months of postings...discussions...solo thinking, I have realised that its nt feasible for us.
    There are other mothers like me on this forum dwindling with this situation and all of us are trying to find out guidance tips from elder moms on how to handle single kids without affecting their innocence and behaviour and attitude towards life. There's going to be hell of questioning provoked by the society and relatives through my kid's mouth soon. Plz suggest on how to start for the same..preparing the kid to be a good human yet be satisfied and happy alone. ME and my DH are very loving...caring...time devoting to DS and have plans for her...keeping in mind this decision of ours but still guidance always helps :)

    Thanks in advance,
    Dr.Supriya.
     
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  2. anupamag

    anupamag Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Supriya,

    I am in exactly same boat as you. We are also not interested in second kid and my adorable daughter is now 5 yrs old. She started asking questions such as "why there are two kids in almost all the houses and not in ours". My heart pains a lot on this innocent question, I feel guilty to have not provided her the sweet and innocent experiences of sibling love, care and share and play which I enjoyed with my sister when I was growing up and cherish those memories till now. But I started telling her, that once u have another kid in the house, you will have to share all your dolls and toys and there will always be fighting going on and mamma will get irritated and beat you. So she was convinced for the time being. But sometimes she misses company terribly and it is but natural. We are working parents and give her the best of quality of everything including our time.

    Hope she does not miss anything in life because of this.

    Take care
    Anu :thumbsup
     
  3. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Good, I am also into your boat. My DS is currently running 3 and it's both of our conscious decision not to go for another Kid because of family and health reasons.
    Though I didn't face any particular issues, but he is pampered to much by my parents and us. As he is the first kid in our circle, so he is such a precious person. So, sometimes, he gets wild and frustrated if we dont show attention to him.
     
  4. preethignan

    preethignan Senior IL'ite

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    hi all,my DD is currently 18 months,i dont want to go for another kid 2,but sometimes if i c in my neighbourhood,children without siblings r arrogant and rude and they r pampered a lot because they r single.myself and my DH dont like pampering our daughter and v r strict when it comes to discipline,on seeing this, my neighbour who pampers her DD scolds me that i shudnt b strict to my daughter,her DD is 5+ and very spoilt,i dont want my DD to be like her kid in future,sometimes seeing this i wonder i shud go for another kid,pls help ladies,moms of yesteryear who have only one child.pls help me on this
     
  5. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    Thanks for coming up. I was sad not to see any response in last 2 mths :) .... As for being strict, I personally feel and follow that being strict is needed depending upon the reason and the situation you are being strict or liberal, be it for a single kid or with sibs. Like we are strict with DD when it comes to use of language, behaving well with others, personal habits like nail biting, yelling to gain attention and all...and we are liberal when it comes to easy things like if she is willing to play in water ONLY DURING SUMMERS...or when she wants to help me do my almirahs....thats a different issue that she would remove all stuff..keep them in place and I would need to do it all again once she is happy done at her part...lolz....or when she wants to jump sometimes on the sofa...we are liberal to an extent for such matters so that she enjoys these li''ll things and then i wavers off her mind...

    I personally do not really feel that kids definitely need a sib to learn to share or be soft spoken. Dont we have kids in relations or families who are arrogant or self centered even if they have sibs...At least I can remember 10 such kids on my tips....SO what we believe is that if we parents are not in a position to have a second kid, the reason being any, we shouldput our darlings into hobby classes and take to a li'll US custom of day spends at friend's places in turns....arranging parties...as for keeping Indian tradition, I believe that on birthdays or any fixed time of the year we should spend some bucks to let our kid gift some items to the needy, be it at some oldage...or some orphanage...wat say mommies? :)

    Dr.Supriya.
     
  6. aruna2010

    aruna2010 New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,
    I also have single daughter,advised by my husband,But sometimes I feel guilty to have single.Anyway Iam giving her best education and quality time.If i go for second we have to face financial issues.We both are working,so I want to spend my whole time to her.I don't want to share my time to another.Sometimes I cried by myself that i could not give her siblings.

    :hiya
    Aruna
     
  7. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Aruna,

    You must have read my post too above yours :) DD is 4 yrs old now...I have been confused over the sibling issue for last 1 year..researching..surveying....and yes..same issues..financial responsibilities..wish to give the best to DD...DH not at all willing. Even I am not willing for the second one bcos of personal reasons but still used to feel bad for DD when she longed to play and no one was available n we couldnt play the way a kid would with her... But each time, I would go back and read all those posts that supported me mentally...revive all those families in my mind whose cases I took as an eg for my decision... I have been too too close to my sibs but DH is not that close to his sis...there are so many examples...must be around you too. I pray everytime that DD should get a wonderful life partner and a hale n healthy life with him n their family for the long run bcos finally its that that counts. Now even if I am too close to my sibs...at times I do not get to talk to them over phone for days together...at times I do not know the developments or decisions in their life...at times I or they gt unable to join each other for some get togethers....but whenevr my family...my parents were in need or in happiness..it was DH who always was besdie me..ready to take me to mum's place..tuchwud.
    So, in short...lets pray for our princesses to have the bestest DH and a wonderful life ahead. Me and DH now believe that we need to be satisfied that we didnt compromise on anything for her case and should try our best to give her best of life skills and decision skills .

    In mny case...I have been diagnosed with brain TB...and medically cannot conceive for next 2-3 yrs and after that...the question doesnt arise....so, we had to just stop getting confused anymore...each day I feel sick..I feel it adds to the count of days DD has missed with me...I would never add to that count by drifting my attention to another baby after 3 yrs.

    Love,
    Dr.Supriya.
     
  8. AmulyaB

    AmulyaB New IL'ite

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    Hi Supriya,
    I read all the posts in the thread : "what is good for a child- to b alone or have another sibling growing along".
    And am in a similar position as you...
    I am in my worst phase of decision - whether to go for second child or not.

    My story goes this way - both me & DH wished for an only child since our marriage & hence have taken time to plan for the child. later we got a lovely daughter. when my DD is 2 yrs old, we started realizing that she needed sibling for her to grow along with and that our very first decision (before having the first one) to have just one is not right.

    My problem was - my health got deteriorating suddenly while my baby was 6 months old. our DD brought whole lot of happiness into our lives, but without our knowledge my health has gone worst that one day (without any prior suspect) i was diagonised with severe knee arthiris (shockly at very younger age) & i has minor surgery to overcome that worst phase. i has struggled to walk normally for 4-6 months & from then my daily (normal) activities have become a burden for me & even today my husband helps me in my daily activities. raising my lil princess had become tough for us & i had to quit my career. After digesting all this, we started living happily (mentally though not physically healthy).
    but we could not decide for second one considering my health conditions.
    My lil one badly needs someone to play with her while i'm busy doing my chores. i try to give my max time to her & talk, play with her daily. but still she expresses that she need friends (kids) to play with her. all her friends have siblings & they really dont seem to show much interest to play with DD as they anyhow have their siblings all the time.
    many times my decision reg. second child went "yes" to "no" and then "yes" & then "no". DH finally left the decision to me after trying to convince me that my health will not support to take care of 2 kids. (Sorry for so long story..)

    My reason not to have second one - my health factor majorly. am not sure that i cud raise second as me & my hubby struggle together to take care of household works & one kid as we live in US and we dont have our family to support us here.
    Moreover, am already 34 now & DD is 4 & we haven't decided yet.

    My reason to think of second one - after my DD turned 2yrs, we realized how badly she needs one now (to grow along) & in future (when parents are no more to her) to share her joys & sorrows.

    Pls friends, can someone really bring my spirits up? am going too depressed with these thoughts.
    I couldn't control my tears today when DD today said to me - " I don't have a big brother. am alone.." I am feeling guilty for not giving her a company & fear thinking if she'll be happy in future being an only child ??
    I feel to give my DD the best in her life at the same time fear that my health might go too bad in raising 2 kids, take care of family, schooling, health, etc.

    May GOD help me take a right step for me & DD's good.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2012
  9. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    Amulya...I had been sailing in the same boat. From the time when DD was 2 and a half...now she is 6. Dwindling between the decision with an unwilling but a perfect DH and father to my princess with all financial responsibilities of a family of 5 as well as social and then looking about DD's future, studies, higher studies, SIL's side's and my side's socialising etc etc....both of us had been working to meet all this and lead a comfortable life not lavish though..
    When DD turned about 3 and a half and I was at peak of this situation, yes or no. I was suddenly needed to be hospitalised and was diagnosed with Brain TB. I am still on treatment with tons of side effects. I lost my memory for few weeks...for next few months I could not reach the washroom by myself, could not turn side. I could not use the western seat even for next few months, so severe were all my joints...AFter another year when I started supporting myself, I felt what DD and I had missed and DH said I cannot see another little one coming with his/her set of ailments and pains . I felt so helpless to see you and DD that 1 year.
    I am almost about to get over with my treatment but no more am I left the normal active mom and wife. I think now all the more...its important we nurture our single one with all love and attention and save for her, for good and bad and for our old age so that we do not become burden on our kids later. My mind is completely settled.

    May God help you settle yours and have faith...time will teach you how to keep her busy and happy. SHe is t oo young to really understand all this. You can mould her thoughts.
     
  10. AmulyaB

    AmulyaB New IL'ite

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    hello Happy2be.. It was so bad to hear about ur illness. Wish you all the good in life !!

    yes, I am too no more an active mom or wife. i was passionate about my career, have to quit now as am no more fit to lead a normal life. though i try to put my best efforts, i'm unable to give my lil princess the best of me. i cannot take her to a park or play with her (my knees hurt a lot even if i stand/walk for more than 15 mins). i do my daily chores in an installment style. it is very clear that i will not be able to put my good efforts to the second (in case if we plan).
    But the only thing bothering me is .... who will be there for my lil princess after her parents (atleast for moral support). these days we cannot expect anything out of cousins or distant relations.
    won't she be feeling all along in this world after us ??

    thanks for your response..
     
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