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how to handle money matters in wife and hubby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sritanvi, Jun 26, 2010.

  1. sritanvi

    sritanvi New IL'ite

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    Hi All

    iam married for the past 9 years.once in the car i told my hubby this time if we go to india iam going to buy some jewellery.He immediately said "if i need ti sell the gold for the sake of kids education i will sell it not even think once".as my kid will go to 2nd grade this year and my daughter is still in pre k.then i asked him the gold that you gave me is on my bday or on the anniversary of ours and on kids bdays.i have been serving the family put aside my career and taking care of the kids,after all these what would i get?or do you think i should make my own money?then i told him that's how i felt.it is all about my feelings.
    he mailed me back saying that first when you mind calms down read your mail over and over again then you will find your own answer and if iam not happy with him he is ready to make my life happy with out him.

    then i mailed him. i did not understand the part that i should wait until the kids get old and move on,or to make my own money?

    he did not reply to this one.
    iam confused .the life iam leading, if i continue the same way i might end up with nothing and the kids will fly away one day and what if my hubby leaves me forever as i did not have any money .iam still 30 years old .iam thinking very hard to take one decision.can u all please help me out



    Thanks
    sri
     
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  2. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Sritanvi,
    Your post is little unclear....Provide us with more details to understand your situation better.

    What is wrong with this statement? Won't you give away your jewels for your kids education??
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think it is a little pointless for him to mention selling this or that for kid's "education". If you are in US and opt for the public school system... the education is FREE until they enter college. So... I don't get why he got all hostile over a 15-years-into-the-future event.

    As for what happened after that with what you said and he said and the mails.... it really wasn't clear. Perhaps you could explain more clearly what happened because I could not get the jist of it at all.
     
  4. sritanvi

    sritanvi New IL'ite

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    Actually we were going in the car and i said to him i want to buy some jewellery when ever we go to india.he said "if he wants to sell the gold for the sake of education ,he would".i got very pissed off .i know he ment when the kids go to college .

    i felt very bad about the way he said it to me and i shooted an e-mail saying that the way u spoke to me in the car was hurtful and i deserve the gold as i am spending my life to take care of this family not thinking of my career.


    then he replied back and said that when u r brain is calm read u r mail over and over again and u will find u r own answer in it and he mentioned "if u r not happy with me let me know i will make u r life happy without me.I read it couple of times and i replied him "r u asking me to take care of the family and u provide me food only no security in terms of money or make u r own money?


    he did not answer for that.


    i hope it is clear now
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Stop sending emails. That's dumb. When you're in an arguement with your spouse, talk face to face in real time. Technology is great for a lot of things... getting to the heart of an issue is not one of them.

    Sit down side by side. Try not to face each other, rather just look straight ahead and lay out how you feel in a calm, cool manner. Instead of talking about 'life with you' 'life without you', talk about what's REALLY bothering you... his comment about selling your jewellery to pay for some far off future event. Explain to him that you too would be willing to sacrifice any amount of gold to provide for your kids, but as a wife it would be nice to have a husband who doesn't make cold comments about pawning off your jewels. I think you need to call him out WHEN this stuff happens so he gets the hint that he is being a bit of a wet blanket. If I were in your place and my husband said something like yours did about selling some personal item of mine, I would sarcastically say "Jeez dh, you're so romantic".

    Log off from the email. Put down the computer. And handle this face to face. Don't be vague and emotional. Just explain how you felt, when he said what he said. Simple as that.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    As ASG mentioned, please stop this communication over web with your husband. That proves only one thing...that you and your husband cant have a discussion in a matured way. You both are scared to talk anything that is serious and needs some clarifications.

    Sritanvi

    As much as I understand your insecurities and also you feeling that you are entitled to buy all that gold and keep it, one point is when you come to know that there is a family emergency am sure most of the women would be ready to sacrifice everything to just get things back on track...am sure you also would do that, but its your husbands inability or immaturity to talk about some future emergency which may not even exist. Or might be he is trying to prepare you by saying such things and you got upset about it. Here its all about how and what we communicate. Both of your points are right! but the timing of such discussion was wrong. When a wife asks for buying gold, husband can just say yes go ahead or no we cant afford, but rather letting them buy and immediately conveying this emergency need message also shows that your husband might be scared that if he is overspending and what if you get attached to that ornament and not interested to share!! (which may not be the case too)

    So please chill. Dont take such things seriously. Also another thing you have to deal with here is your insecurities. Might be when your kids start going to school ie when they are around 6 or 7 yrs start picking up a part time job and earn for yourself. Financial independance is not just for those who want to quit on marriages or worried about marriages, its for every woman. it makes woman know where they stand in this world. It wont be scary when you earning , you are in the job market, you know whats happening outside. So doesnt matter how small or how big the job is please try to work towards getting one and ensure that from your earnings save some and tell your husband you are not going to share that money/gold with anyone. Even when emergency strikes you would decide whether you want to spend or not. There should always be some STHREEDHAN for every woman. so stop feeling those insecurities. Tell him that emergencies would be always dealt as a team, as a family but also LETS ENJOY the current moment when you are buying something and lets feel the happiness and not spoil it by showing the need. (By the way, what is the need to even talk about the gold you bought,that should be the LAST OPTION, that too when you guys are in DIRE state of money. Hope you wont get into that situation. So you have to explain to him all this.)
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2010
  7. sritanvi

    sritanvi New IL'ite

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    Thankyou so much for the reply.I guess i need to talk to him soon.I will let you know about his response.

    Thanks once again


    tanvi.
     
  8. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    What is the issue? Well, the issue is too much time on hand and thinking about the unknown future. Not worth it.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Tanvi, whenever he mentions it again just reply with a smile that :) "I know we'll never reach that day (when we need to sell gold) & you'll keep buying me gold with the same planning & keep earning more n more"

    Also you need to tell yourself that in case of a real emergency you should be ready to part with it.. it can be similar to saying.. am collecting it for my DD and DIL and will give them on their marriage and keep 1/3rd for me.

    If you fell all working women have a secured future then its not true at times... also working women equally look after house and kids with or without maids & also with or without a DH who's ready to buy them gold on a condition.... you're better off with this fellow so enjoy :thumbsupwithout getting irritated or reading too much.

    Frankly speaking the gold is at a real high these days and guys feel better parking money into MFs than gold unless they're of a orientation of a Bappi Lehri :crazy. Your DH is the earning & investing member so he knows better that if he parks his money into gold and not Kids future plan (policies) then where to get the returns at times of need.
     
  10. ArunaSashi

    ArunaSashi Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi..
    Do you want to have jewellery as your savings?
    How long do you think that money would support you? :idontgetit:

    When you are in a housewife kind of arrangement, by default one tends to assume that their spouse is going to be supporting them in their old age too.
    If you don't trust your husband to do that, the best option is to get a job.

    What he said about selling the jewellery might be of many reasons other than not wanting to spend money for you. Might have even seen it in as bad investment. He might even have felt bad that you didn't trust him.

    Trust your husband IF he is worthy of it or get a job.
     

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