How To Handle Living Abroad In Family Difficult Times ?

@ssg- Your post was heart touching. I am sorry for your loss....I can relate to your pain and dilemma.
I am going to give few tips on how I managed or how my family handled the situation.

I lost my father a few years ago and for the initial few months it was very hard for my mother ( my mother is a working woman)- even with work, she found it very difficult to handle life. Few of her sisters advised her to give up work. This was a big no no from me and my sibling. We encouraged my mom to work. It's not coz of her paycheck, just to keep herself occupied. One of my cousin living in the US started telling ( after listening to her mother) that how my mom will find it easy to give up work- I explained it to my cousin, how sane it is for my mother to have routine instead of giving up work and feeling more lost apart from losing my father. My cousin understood and even conveyed my thoughts to her mother. Basically, all my mother's sisters let go of this "give up work" talks.

Dedicating their entire life to the partner, after losing them life becomes a bit void. Get your mother to engage in different activities- get her to make friends ( not relatives), go to samaja, go to yoga classes or take up any interest that she couldn't pursue.

Get her to make female friends. This is very very important. My mom never had any close friends throughout her life, she had colleagues, some of my father's friends wife who became family friends. But never "her" friends. Now she has made few female friends. Most of them are in her age group ( some still have a family), age group really matters because they can relate and have the same routine every day.

Get your mother to come to the US for a vacation- my mother refused and was very much against coming to the US at any cost. My sibling and her entirely family pushed my mom to change her mind and make a trip to the US. After coming to the US, she was relaxed and even appreciated us for pushing her to come. My mother refused to come to the US because she felt guilty. In her train of thoughts.. going to the US is more like a vacation and she couldn't imagine being happy without my father. She constantly refused to come to the US, just because of her guilt and her thinking. After coming here.. seeing us being in a routine and its nowhere like "her imagined vaccation" she felt much more normal. Much more used to the idea of leading her life.

Let relatives talk whatever they want- you and your DH do what's best for you and your family. But keep good contact with all relatives. I talk to all my relatives for the sake of my mother- she needs them more than they need her. So, listening/ helping my relatives will help my mom be included in their circle.. so be it. I have my dad's family living very close to our house, they can go check up on my mom or if there is anything she needs. ( there have been no such needs as of yet, touchwood) but one may never know.

Get all your neighbors contacts or your mom's friends contact. We have given our house keys to our neighbors and I have their contact info with me and once in awhile even talk to them.

I get introduced to my mom's new maids too through skype. I talk to them and ask them to take good care of my mother.

I talk every day or most of the days. It is very important to talk or listen to her at least.

Please don't let your brother advise you that you should come to India. If you have one sibling living in India, I think they should be able to take care your mother. Isn't she his mother too? Is he willing to change anything in his life to helping your mother? Its both of the children's responsibility to keep parents happy. Not just one.

Can you have a talk with your brother that he is an adult and you both should share keeping mom happy?
Also, before fighting with your husband to move back- please try to imagine the same situation on your husband's side and ask yourself will be doing the same thing if it was his mother or his father ?

It really doesn't make sense to uproot entire family to be in India to satisfy your parent. How hard will you, your husband and your child have to adjust?

It's just my 2 cents and few of my suggestions. It's not going to be easy- but you should do what's best for you, your family and your mother.

Goodluck

 

Why don't you take your mother to the US for some time? She is no doubt upset right now but it is unreasonable to expect you to suddenly uproot your lives.

 

Losing the spouse can take a huge toll. Age contributes to the pain. And the feeling of everyone left me to my fate is another factor. Having said that, I would also say that your mom should now try and not depend on you guys to handle herself. Please do not get me wrong. She can depend on you for mental support but expecting that you would be there physically with her, in front of her eyes, in her living room and so that she can feel solace is very much unreasonable. Am surprised your brother is also asking you to come back. Tell him its not possible.
She is your mom, you may be willing to do this for her. But why would your husband do that?

You have a brother who has the responsibility to take care of your mom.
You are are mom yourself and you have growing kids in school, your husband's career in US and a lot of things going on in your family too.
It is not reasonable at all to ask you, your DH, your kids to move back.

You and your sister are already doing what suits your routines and budgets.

Next time you are in India, try and speak to your mom. Be patient because you already know that there is going to be resistance to see your point. Remind her that she has seen many problems in life and this is probably the most difficult one to deal with. Remind her how strong has she been though not educated. Tell her that its her husband's dream to see you all well settled. Ask her how else can you be of help other than moving back.
Being uneducated is something that scares people as they grow old.
Your dad would have taken care of many things all these years , which is now your mom's responsibility. Tell her that she needs to trust that her son can take care of that stuff. And that you girls are just a call away.
Teach her to use skype or video calling apps (Tango, Whatsapp video etc)

Give her sometime if she does not want to travel right away. Tell her that you plan to take her to the US in sometime(in 6-8 months time) and that you need her help. Saying that you need her may help eliminate her feeling of "no one needs me now that my husband is gone".

I lost my dad and I was the only child for my parents. My mom has been through some of these fears when dad was gone. Its very important to catch up with women of that age. Their emotions and feelings do not quite match with yours or your sisters because you guys are much younger and they think that you do not understand them. It helps a great deal to speak to the person of the same age - it helps your mom to vent out and believe that she is being understood. Request your relatives to see her every now and then. Stay in touch with relatives. Its important.

 

@ssg- I can understand how you might be feeling. I think your mother is a bit insecure and depressed. This is normal for your mother to feel like this especially after a loss.
If you don't mind me asking what does your mother expect you to do when you are with her?
Does she just want you to be around so she is comfortable with familiar faces?
The maid not getting along is pretty common with my mom and grandmom too- Mom changes maids once a year. But maids shouldn't be telling you to come down once a month.

If you are already in India- try taking her to a new place. Just you and her. This may help her ease up a bit.
Also, try know who is the dominant voice that your mother is listening to- this is very important. Some people may have influenced her and she might have just latched on to that idea. Maybe if you convince these people to see from your standpoint they may explain or influence your mother. Slowly cut off this dominant person in your mother's life ( this is not good)

It is a bit hard as a widow to live in our society- my mom recently faced not being included in functions... it affected my mom quite a bit. ( my mom is not even the person who practices customs or very traditional)

Try to talk to your mom and understand what is the "real" problem. Many times they have to just walk the path.

If you think you should live with your mother for a year- maybe you should do it. In the end its all in the happiness for family.

The other thing I want to tell is- it is very hard for us "children" to understand what it is to lose 40-50 years partner. We ourself will be grieving for our parent. We won't be able to see what a parent is missing from the lose. Try to accommodate as much as you can.

 

I'm sorry for your loss Ssg.

I think you really need to start drawing boundaries, list down your priorities and stop explaining/ justifying yourself further to others.

It is undoubtedly difficult to see a parent in difficulty and suffer through this tragic loss. you and your sister have been there for your mother through the initial few months. however, your loyalty MUST be to your kids. You have to think of them and what this upheaval will mean to them. It is extremely shortsighted on anyone to suggest that you move lock, stock and barrel back to India when clearly your family's plans are completely different. These people suggesting this clearly have no exposure nor foresight and you really must strop guilt tripping yourself over what they say. anything else is unfair to your husband and children.

This does NOT mean you are leaving your mother in the lurch. Offer her support over the phone. Clearly inform her - not discuss with her - that it is impossible for you to return. Offer her the option of coming to you. if she refuses to meet you halfway there there isn't much you can do. if your mother spouts what the maid says, repeatedly but gently remind her that you aren't coming back often or for a long duration as it is not sensible. She is welcome to come to you. keep on repeating it ad infinitum.

Your brother ought to understand this and persuade your mother to visit you.

Also remember this. You are an adult. no one, including your parents have a say in where you live. it is something you decide with your immediate family which now consists of your partner and kids. all this lamentation about not "sending" you to the US as though you are a postal parcel is quite dramatic. do not be influenced by it.

I sincerely suggest you visit a counsellor so that you can draw these boundaries effectively and grieve for loss instead of being incessantly drawn into this sort of drama.

 

Hey OP,

Hugs to you dear. Very sorry to see you go through all that you are facing. Life is very tough at times. But never lose heart. There are better days ahead.

I would suggest you to think carefully about each decision you take here. Your mom sounds a bit unreasonable here but you cant really blame her for it. She's lost her husband, her pillar of strength. So try and go easy on her. I can see that you are making a lot of effort for her.

The people who actually need to be spoken to strictly are your brother and the maids. Since your mom is in a vulnerable stage now, whatever people around her keep talking make a huge impact on her. Try and stop there people from talking nonsense. Talk to your brother and maids about it strictly. Let them know they are crossing their boundaries when they try and tell you guys to shift to India.

As a kid you have the responsibility of taking care of your parent, yes but once you are married, you adjust that taking care part based on how or where you are settled. For instance, I am married with kids and taking care of my mom. My mom stays with us here. Reasonable. IF my mom chooses to live in our village and demand that she will be happy living there only and ask us to shift there to take care of her...its not right! Honestly I wouldn't be doing it too!

You have a duty towards your family too. You H seems to be against moving to India. Let me tell you, NEVER jeopardize your relation with your H for anybody.

Meanwhile bring your mom out of that shell. Talk to her everyday over phone. It might take time to make her understand. Talk to her siblings or relatives who stay nearby. Explain them your situation and ask them reach out to mom. Ask your brother to help you out by explaining the situation to your mom and help her come out of the shell she is in.

My prayers are with you!

 

What do u want ssg?