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How To Handle Liar And Lies

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by SmilingGirl02, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. SmilingGirl02

    SmilingGirl02 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,
    I am back as I know ladies here have super solution/suggestions for all problems.

    I have 10 yr old daughter.
    1. She is good in study. Completes her homework on time without nagging.
    2. Follows all rules in school. Never got single complains from school/teacher.
    3. Wake up early on her own in morning and get ready for school. Always eats break fast before catching up school bus.
    5. Need to push/nag her for extra study.
    4. Not hard worker. So We have be on top of her to do practice for classes dance, Piano classes.
    (As classes are once in week, definitely needs practice in rest of week)

    About Me.
    I am not strict MOM. I always listen her.Follows reward system.But wanted her to do hard work. But gets mad if watch too much TV, didn't read. Let her play outside with friends. I do play dates and sleep over for her.

    From last few months, we caught multiple Lies (Lair) of her.
    1. Last year from school book fair she got 1 dairy (cost around $12 ), even though we told her not to get Dairy. We gave money to buy book. Even though we denied for Dairy, she got it. Then me and husband, said OK. But We talk to her , tried to make her understand, $12 is not worth for this dairy.
    This year, same book fair. I told her, no dairy this year. she asked for Cute Poster. So We agreed upon , 1 Poster and books. All lies started.
    But she got 1 poster and 1 book. She showed me poster, I asked for show book, she keep saying she will show. Then she show book to my husband. After 4 days, I open her bag to put 1 form. I found 1 new fancy Dairy. I asked , she lied that her friend gave her . When my husband asked more details, name of friend (other details), she started crying and told she got from Book fair. we asked about money, she said she lied about book price and she got $7 her piggy bank.

    2. Next Lies. 1 Morning, she got ready in 5/10 mins. I asked her "did u take bath". she said yes. I thought I didn't hear shower voice. So I checked in bath tub, it was all dry. So She said she lied, she didn't took bath. Also she lies for putting moisturizer cream after bath. Always says yes, but do it few days only. So end up in itchy skin. So now I put on her moisturizer.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I have no concrete suggestions but it might help to know that almost all children go through this. Even the otherwise "sincere" ones. They look you in the eye and lie, and then go to elaborate measures to cover it up. We as parents start to out-smart their lies while knowing that we are not really achieving anything, and are just competing with them at catching lies. : )

    For the book fair thing -- that is not a good time to teach her how to spend money wisely. For that give her the money and let her spend how she wants to. Part of the proceeds benefit school anyway. When all other children are buying what they like, expecting her to buy something not frivolous is not fair. And, in the fair, they do place eye-catching stuff in the front, like how candy is displayed at checkout in stores.

    The dry bathroom... : ) my discovery was much smaller. A dry toothbrush. : ) Went through the entire lecture of importance of good dental habits. Discussed what happens if teeth decay.

    One thing I have learnt is not to react too strongly when we discover yet another lies. And to keep the "drama" level down. Meaning, not to make a big deal of their cover-up and our accidental discovery. And, I've also learnt to keep the lecture short and crisp. Well, learnt is an exaggeration. Still learning.
     
    Laks09, Sunshine04, mangaii and 5 others like this.
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    My 6 year old is also going through a similar phase. Not lying constantly but I do catch her once in a while. I also caught dry tooth brushes (when she claimed she ‘just’ brushed her teeth) or a dry lips when she claimed she just applied lip balm. Initially it used to drive me mad. Then I slowly started talking to her about trust and how it should not be misused. Having said this, as annoying as it is, try to look at it as a phase. Maybe use something strong like, “I am disappointed that you chose to lie”? At 10, she will be more worried about you being upset with her than you grounding her.

    I am still learning this myself but I think the trick to it could also be how to treat them when they actually do tell the truth. For example, if she confesses to something on her own, praise her for being open? I am sorry, it’s a big battle in my place too. I hear ya and I empathise with you.

    For school things, I usually give her $20 to buy what ever she wants. Its her pocket money, so she should have the choice/ say in what she wants. Just my opinion.
     
    sindmani, mangaii and SmilingGirl02 like this.
  4. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    It’s very common. You are not alone. As Rihana says we are all still learning. Give her some pocket money and let her make her choice to spend it on things she likes. If she earns her pocket money through some chores she could think twice on spending. I know it is hard but imagine once they start driving and working part-time before they become a legal adult they would go shopping on their own and get things they need. So to make right choices then they need to learn to make small mistakes now and learn. Pick your battles. I am still learning to… it’s a life long process. Don’t worry. Kids are creative not liars.
     
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  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is very common among kids . Basically it means they are growing and at this point of time there is a conflict between their brain decisions and parents instruction. Forget you are a mother and assume you are a 10 year old kid. If you have a book and a fancy diary in front of you which one would your brain ask you to choose. Now her brain wants that diary which she can use it to write or draw or show off to friends. That shiny thing is all she wants. Now as a parent you think that diary is not worth so wanted her to buy a book. Conflict is created. Conflict resolution is to listen to brain and start lying to cover up the decisions made. What you can do in this situation ? Evaluate the options and see what you want to enforce. If the kid likes diary more than a book then you can give her a option to choose what she wants. By giving her the freedom to exercise her choice you are avoiding conflict. But there is a limit for this freedom. Somethings you need to enforce very clearly that it is important for you and she has to follow it. I have btdt. It is part of growing up and you need to accept she will make some choices which you may not agree but need to accept otherwise the lies will increase .

    Bathing - some days we all feel lazy. So skipping bath once in a while is ok

    "Not a hard worker" remove this thought from your mind. Consider tomorrow as a new day and see from her perspective. After 10 years how do you want her to remember her childhood days. Do you want her to remember the constant nagging about dance and piano ? will those things make a huge difference in life. Childhood is all about building memories. Talk to her with open mind. Sometimes spending some quality time with kids makes you understand their needs. I know bribing is not recommended parenting strategy but in my case I have used it successfully to make her do something . Replace nagging with some bribing to see if it works. I'm also still learning as my child is growing but I used to be very negative person. I used to think I'm telling the truth but eventually I realized how much I hurt my kid's feelings . It took me sometime to understand my kid is sensitive and I need to careful with words. I may have worked hard doesn't mean my kid has to do same thing. Just because I didn't get opportunity to do extra activities doesn't mean my kid has to do every activity and excel in it. It took me sometime to understand this and in this process I have mellowed down a lot. Keep making some adjustments according to your kid's need. Good luck
     
  6. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    From my reading/documentary watching during pregnancy - I couldn’t forget this fact/research I read somewhere: Babies get the ability to lie at the age of 4 months. Yes, 4 months!

    Around this age - that learn that they can fake a cry. It looks very real and is a real cry. But they are not hungry, or thirsty or wet or uncomfortable - they just want mum or day to come carry them and coochy-coo them. Hearing all those sweet-nothings feels so much better than being swaddled in some blanket and abandoned on the bed/crib/rocker/swing! :)


    I was miss-goody-two shoes as well as a rebel as a child. So perhaps I can try to answer this question to you from the perspective of the child. Disclaimer: I have a toddler so no big personal experiences (yet :) ). When he wants kisses he does tell me fell down and show me a hand/leg and tells me he fell down. The incident may not have happened right then, it may have happened one week ago! :)

    My parents were not strict per-se - they never yelled or ever beat us. My dad would just say - priya-ma- what-ma, should you have done this - with a displeased expression on his face. And the reason for not doing something. (priya is not mine, I wanted to use a common name so you can imagine it ;-)) That’s it. Not even raised voice - but very firm. But I would still dread it. I would find it easier to handle to tell a white-lie now and then.

    Diary:
    I can totally imagine why I would want to buy a diary instead of a book. I loved diaries - diaries are romanticized in children’s stories book. Its where a child life opens, all secrets can be given form to. I have dozens of them. I cherished them - even though I wrote so little in them - saving them for that special story. A diary is an open-canvas - it lets you be creative. A book is for consuming in a way and diary is for “producing” a work of art, a little note, a jingle or a poem. And diaries are so attractive, with little locks, with little cute fluffy animals and birds and rainbows, etc.


    Bath time:
    I feel like if she is a smart kid, next time she would just sprinkle water in the bath tub so you won’t find out. Why not ask her why she skipped a bath? Maybe she doesn’t like to be rushed when eating breakfast or she doesn’t want to hear mom/dad scold her (even a little bit - even if you guys don’t scold at all - some kids are really sensitive - for waking up late that morning. Even some extra silence from mom or shorter answers from mom for a few of my questions - would make me so sad. Or she had a story book to finish before school. :)

    Allow her to break rules now and then.

    Maybe - Tell her in the morning if she doesn’t want to take a bath she can skip - but just let me know so that you can take a bath in the evening when you come back from school - ok? Or make sure you change your under-garments if you skip a bath - ok dear? Or you can take a very quick shower and wash only sweaty parts. :p Or joke about it (if she can take a joke) Let me wipe you down with some wet wipes dear. :)

    Just some random thoughts - because I could relate to your little girl.
     
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  7. SmilingGirl02

    SmilingGirl02 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for reply , suggestions. I am feeling better, knowing that I am alone going through this.
    All suggestion are too good, will follow them.
     

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