How to handle family estate issues with siblings

Dear All,

I was not sure where to post this thread, so I potsed it here and under money matters as well.
My ILs are financially very sound, both getting pensions and additional monthly money from farms and couple of plots. We are in US (7 yrs now) and IL and BIL (DH’s brother) live in India, separated 4 yrs ago. The reason of separation was daily fights between my SIL (BIL’s wife) and MIL. Both have stubborn heads, but MIL’s everyday drama got her what she deserved. Now no one is there to serve the Queen. BIL has his own issues with his poor mental abilities. SIL is very manipulative and got him to get separate house. Now the old house sold, money divided into 3 shares, DH, BIL and IL. Now with our share, new house was built in our name and ILs living there, no problem with that.

Now our property/money share in India is still with ILs. My ILs came to visit us in US and I got my husband to talk to them over this financial matter that they should sell our share of farms/plots except the house.
Here are the problems,

1. DH doesn’t visit india very frequently, the farms are still in FIL’s name and are being used by FIL’s brother (big trouble) and FIL is very attached to him and does not want to talk to him yet. Now FIL is in his late 70s, lot of health issues, god forbid if sthg happens to him, those farms are gone forever, why? His brother is very clever minded and will all use all ways to not release the farms and won’t let it sold to anyone. That’s what he did to another brother’s farms. FILs are 4 brothers and 3 are in job except this 4th one who uses the joint farms for his income. Very tricky situation, my FIL support this brother and does not see that this could happen to his own share. Now us being in US and BIL does not know anything about courts and property issues, I see it that we won’t get anything from those farms. My MIL agrees with us in this. How can we convince FIL to ask his brother that he wants to sell his share?

2. BIL’s son just got married and doesn’t do anything. He returned from abroad and can’t go back due to visa issues. Now he does not want to work because he knows that his grandparents have unlimited supply of money and they can feed their coming generations forever, which they are doing. One spoiled family. Just after his marriage, my ILs came to US and are with us for 6 months. Now back I India, SIL and her DIL have their own saas-bahu drama going on. My MIL has very soft corner for her DIL’S DIL. Dushman ka dushman apka dost hota hai. Now all they are waiting is to let ILs come back India and my BIL’s son and his wife move in with my IL’s in our house. My MIL can’t wait to get back to India to have them. Now the way I see it as my SIL is doing it on purpose to have her son and his wife intrude into our house and gradually convince my IL’s to get our house in their name. I know my MIL she would do that too because after all whoever serves the queen gets the prize. What would be the best way to prevent it from happening?

I know most of us think that its their money, they can do whatever they want to do with it, give it to other son or his extended family or FIL’s brother. I just feel that it’s not fair that we never had any bad relations with ILs, so far so good, never hurt them, never ask them for any financial support despite all the struggles we have been going through. I forgot to mention the reason for us moving to US. Another story, I’ll make it short. When I got married, my MIL was all over me. SIL got pissed off at this and started her sarcastic remarks. They both started vomiting their poison to me against each other. I just listened from one ear and released from another. But these women were shooting at each other using my shoulder. May be I was naïve and should have stopped them from telling me their past stories. Finally, it got to the point where there was a huge fight with all the family members involved, husbands too. I became scapegoat and had to apologize to them for doing nothing. I was being accused of making everyone fight. Like they were living in such harmony before I came. DH fully supported me and got so angry at his whole family for doing this to his newly wed wife (just 2 months) that he realized that there was no way that we could ever live with them happily and raise our kids in a healthy environment. He already knew this coming because of his mother and SIL’s past fights. SO we gradually started looking for jobs abroad and get settled as far away as possible from them. We were left with no other option at that time. We couldn’t ask to provide us separate house just due to that fight.

Despite the separation and all that, we still see each other including BIL’s family, we take gifts for his family whenever we visit India. My MIL still has extra soft corner for her other son even though he and his wife made them suffer and hurt so much. BIL has a small job and SIL is housewife. Despite all this, ILs still support them financially, grocery, bills and kids school expenses you name anything. All in all, BIL’s family got the freedom with bonus (lucky them). I don’t care how much financial help they are providing them. Now here in US, both of us work hard and saving money to buy our own house, for kids education, rertirement. I just envy them how easy life they are having there. MIL even asked DH to send expensive gifts to his brother like iPhones etc. for his son too. I already bought gifts for them for MIL to take with her. They even gave them Lakhs of rupees on his son’s wedding telling them it was gift money from us. I just don’t get it why the hell she wants to give everything to their family. She now in US sees herself that how hard we are working, but she assumes that if we never ask for money means that we are very rich and can just throw money to anyone just like her. The reason we don’t ask for money that my DH and I believe that we shouldn’t hurt them over money issues just like his brother and as long as we can feed our family we are fine. But I guess they don’t see it that way and think that we don’t need anything from them even though they know we have been in hands to mouth situation but never bothered them for anything. Now how come we don’t get a single penny from IL’s and are still supposed to spend our hard earned money on BIL’s family while they are already enjoying IL’s money and living like kings. I feel either we are too nice to say anything about our own rights or too dumb to give way to their wishes. I am just starting to get worried about our own future, what if we lose jobs (which is no wonder in US), what if we are left with no savings for kids and their education etc.

Do you people see it that we are going to lose everything either to FIL’s brother or DH’s brother, atleast have our own house in India, if nothing else. DH already talked to them politely over this with them and IL’s got upset and their blood pressure got high. WE just left it there without adding further worse to their health issues. You see when WE talk, they get upset, when BIL asks nothing happens and they get it because they need it. Please guide me with some reasonable suggestions how should we take up these property issues genuinely with IL without making big issues.

Sorry for such a long post

 

NO ONE!!!
come on ladies, please share your thoughts, ideas. I am really stressed out these days thinking aboul all these property issues.

 

you are right, its way too long. I'll keep that in mind next time.

Anyways, DH already gave hints that we don't want them to move in there, but MIL is very controlling and just wants to have someone around to give her commands, moreover she is super excited to have DIL'S DIL to share her past stories with her now. Its due to her controlling nature that no one can bear her for 2 days. All I can hope is that new DIL will soon see my MIL's colors and would just ask her H to leave our place.

And FIL does realizes the tricky situation with his brother, FIL is really a gentleman and just extra kind to everyone. That's why I respect him just like my own father. I guess he himself is reluctant and in dilemma how to talk to him. These two brothers have stood with each other in every low and high. We also told him the same that it would be beyond our capacity to fight with his brother. I don't know when he would think to do sthg about it....I just pray that the sooner the better...!