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How To Handle Dual Incomes In Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by swan02, Feb 2, 2017.

  1. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I have been married for a little over a year and we are expecting our first baby. During the first year or marriage, we had our share of difficulties over intimacy, family, etc, and hence never got to discuss finances.
    Basically we have kept separate accounts until now. My husband pays the rent, utilities, outings. I have paid for groceries whenever I have gone, I have paid for most of our vacations, and all of my own expences - clothes, work related expences (which are quite a bit for me), and ofcourse my student loans.

    Now we have had a major disagreement. My husband asked us to open a joint account. He also asked that we both put an equivalent amount into the joint account. My husband makes significantly more than me. He also doesn't have any student loans, thanks to which he has also accumulated a good savings.

    I make less than my husband - about 75%. I have had major student loans, and I have paid off about 80%, but still have a significant amount remaining. I have zero savings because of this. Given the high interest rates when I took out student loans, I was not able to consolidate, and my best option was to pay off the loans as soon as possible.

    I find it unfair for my husband to ask me to contribute the same amount. I also see him as the man and breadwinner of the house and that he should not expect that I will have a certain contribution to the household. I personally feel that I am also his responsibliity, and I don't put that responsility on him - it is a privilege and not a right.

    We are expecting our first baby, and I will need to take time off for maternity, and won't get paid for a few months. I want to save up for this time as I do not want to go to him asking for money. I do however feel that he should take up the responsbility for the household expences as I feel he makes more than enough. Our mortgage for the new house will be about 35% of his salary. He still has the rest remaining.

    We have had major tension and fights over this. I don't feel comfortable sharing with my husband earnings, because I have seen that his attitude can be regressive and controlling. He is a nice person and good human being but he is controlling. When we fought, he yelled saying I have no savings because I was financially irresponsible - I pointed to him that paying of heavy student loans in such a short amoutn of time is not financially irresonsible. He then said you had parents here whey do you have loans. That made me very upset, because it is none of his business to ask why my parents didn't pay my loans. Lastly, I don't trust his family.

    In addition, though he denies he sends any money to in-laws (and I have told him the same on my front), I do see that he shows a big picture to his family in India. He likes to show that he is extremely rich, and I see his family sees us as having money growing on trees. We both work extremely hard at our respective jobs. His family in India is quite well-off...just on account of the property that they own. However, I do think they take advantage of my husband. He sent a large amount of money to them for our wedding, which was way beyong what the wedding cost. He also is not getting any inheritance - his elder brother will get all the property. And while I do not eye the inheritance, I do find it unfair that the in-laws are constantly keeping an eye on our money and hoping we send more.

    I have put my foot down and stated that I will not contribute to the joint account unless I want to and I can. And he has no right to force me. He has not backed down. This has caused a lot of tension for us, especially for me - I am 5 months pregnant and miserably exhausted from work when I get home. The last thing I want to do is deal with him putting pressure on me for expences related to the home/apartment lease, etc.

    Please advise me on what to do. I would love to hear from other working women in similar situations who have handled this situation and found stability over time.
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Deduct your student loans from your income and consider that as your net income and give % of that income to joint account. You husband also should match the same percentage .

    If you guys decide on 50% - then it will be 50% of your income after student loans and his 50% of his income .

    If he objects say the same student loans enabled you to earn income .

    We don't believe in joint accounts and we maintain individual account and consider our income as individuals first , then
    We contribute to saving goals and children goal and we do not question each other in what we spend on parents .

    I never considered myself as dependent on my husband because I always had an income and we also don't have a rule on who spends on what, as of now he takes care if daily needs and I do big ones
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
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  3. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you. How do you divide up common household expenses? How about savings?
     
  4. happygolucky22

    happygolucky22 Silver IL'ite

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    I think you are right in your thinking. previous poster has given an excellent practical advice since your hubby is not backing down, you should deduct your loan amount and also deduct some amount for your personal savings then send the rest of the amount in the joint account. If he's still not happy then he can suck it up and deal with the situation.
    don't think what he said during the arguments, people say all sort of things when they are angry and in an argument just so they can win it. this does not necessarily means that they think and mean like that. Give him a benefit of doubt
     
  5. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    We don't divide anything , who ever is available at the moment will pay.

    Since husband does rent and groceries and other daily needs , I take up big ones like additional tax payment or when we buy a car or India tickets etc.

    Savings most of ours started in India on our individual names , so we continue like that , for children we plan and do joint .


    Since you guys are still new in this , i suggest % thing in join account and use it for household
    And joint savings .

    But always keep aside some amount for yourself till you guys get over these initial issues.
     
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    That is the bulk no wonder he is resentful.
    Unfortunately all loans accrued prior to marriage are ur responsibility
    I can understand ur angst but u cannot penalize him for not having loans.
    Not too bad actually.
    U need to really consult a financial advisor. I am sure there is a better way out.
    Does that mean if he says he wont pay rent u are going to look into shelters ?
    Ouch this seems to go along the route of my money is mine ..urs is ours. . Sorry this is not how it works.
    As I see there are two reasonable ways that I know of to go about it...
    1)Divide ur household expenses + savings in the ratio of ur incomes...and place that in the joint account. What is left over is urs to keep. How u choose to spend it is ur prerogative. U can keep it for ur personal expenses or pay off ur loans. Give ur spouse the same freedom. Now with this approach even when u are on maternity leave since ur net income will come down to disability insurance he will be paying bulk of the rent and utils. This is something I know works for most my friends.
    Its imp to get into the mindset of ours....more than mine and urs. Dont drive the wedge deeper.
    2) One big melting pot. Works well for us..do not recommend it .
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
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  7. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    One side you show that you are ambitious and want equality and contribute to household expenses.. and other side showing ur H as breadwinner and expecting to spend for you..
    Why did this joint accnt thing come into picture suddenly? I am sure that ur H knows what u r earning and what you spend on.. then why r u worried abt joint acct? He knows that it is not reasonable to ask same contribution from you. What triggered him to ask you for equal savings??
    And its first year of marriage and a baby is due and you are not comfortable with him yet.. then y have the baby??

    Sorry for too many questions.. in my house, we have individual accnts and a joint acct. we put equal amt for emi into joint acct. major expenses like rent/electricity/water/internet bills are taken care by H and I take care of my kid expenses as i happen to shop and go to her school for pick ups and drops. And grocery is mine too as i go grocery shopping. My travel expenses are mine as i travel more. Restaurant bills are not divided per se, but i almost spend 50% of the times.
     
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  8. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    hmm . .It seems like the issue here is trust and partnership rather than finances.
    We try to manage all expenses in one salary and save the other - of course , India trips / medical expenses do dip into the savings accounts. We dint have a joint account for the first 3-4 years - but we dint need to. We both had access to all accounts online. If we are lending money to friends/relatives - we keep it to small amounts and use discretion , but let the other person know.

    That said , sending money to parents hasnt been easy for either of us. Its complicated. I could write an entire essay - but suffice to say , we try to understand and trust each other. But let the other know w/o being cruel when we think a line has to be drawn.

    Sorry - I dont have advice about how to work on your finances - but it seems to me that you need to work on your relationship
     
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  9. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    It sounds like you both are dividing expenses same way as us. I'm sorry but why caste the judgement on me having a child? I can't help but ask you, if your husband was to come back and ask you to put the majority of your income into household expenses and not cover those himself, would you give up your child for adoption?

    Your post did make me upset. Do you have a perfect marriage?
     
  10. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the advice.

    Our first year we have spent a lot on travel and wedding expenses. I covered most of these. Going forward our expenses are changing with having a baby, buying a house, etc. my contribution if I divide by percentage will possibly remain more or less the same. But maybe it will then be more evident.

    My question is this - my husband has a very good salary. Why is he thinking like this? Is it reasonable?
     

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