how to handle cunning and mean sister in law

dear all,
this is my first post here, please give me an advice,

me and my brother are very close from child hood, he got married 8 years ago, after that he and me were living in different cities in india, so even if they visit us it was only for aday or 2 so i never had any friction with his wife who is a engineer, after i came to this country i helped my brother to get a job here, who stayed in my house for almost an year, then when he get a job we helped him to geta appartment from somebody we know for a reasonable rent in the posh area, next our house only, i went and arranged every thing for his new home as if iam arranging for my daughter, then his wife came eventually she got a job, a high position, for which my husband helped alot , carrying her for interviews in our cars waiting there till she finish, i used to give my car to her and travel becoz i thought she is going for interview so she should be comfortable. then the real story started after wards, she is not as nice she appears to be, what happening is she is behaving in away when my brother is not there and the other way when is he there, in one way when he is watching andother way when he is not wathching, she will do what she want to do silently with out any evidence, for example when i go to their house as i enter she looks at me angry and hard way , keeps a sour face,( no this is not mis interpretation it happened so many times )but the voice will be nice and smooth like hi please come like that my brother who is turning the other side or doing some thing will listen her voice only but he dont watch her face so he thinks she is being nice to me, next example- last week i went to his house, iwas standing by his living room window and calling my brother , she came out of the room gave me a very hard and angry look, turned away, went and stand by the table right there by the table looking at something, she didnt ask me why i came or neither she went and told my brother that i came, i stood there for few minutes, and feeling bad i left. usually after incidents like this she come and talk to me nicely as if nothig happened and i thinking that ok this my relative so lets not hold grudges, so i will also talk to her normally, but when ever i told my brother about these incidents, he will listen i will just keep quiet , but he wouldnt ask her, and just behave normal with her.
this time i felt so offended i told my brother about what she did and also told iam not going talk to her again, becoz she is doing it over and over, and the coming and talking nicely as if nothig hapened, she did the samething to my daughter also, so after this incident one day when me and brotherare sitting out side in the garden she came and talking tome and told me allthe best for my presntation, i didnt answer for that, i whe she left i told my brother that i was taking all this crap for 3 years and i cant and i dont want to take any more and get my self out, and i also asked him why he is not confronting his wife when she is doing all this to me, so he went and asked his wife why she is doing all this, you know what she said , she told that she never did any thing like that now or before, after all this iam feeling so offended and shocked that i n ever want to talkto her or see her face again. i want to completly cut off my realtion ship with them, she want all kinds of help from us through my brother and ill treating us like this, iam financialy in a far higher position than her , me and my husband both are highly educated, we are no way dependent on her, we are the ones who always help them nothing from that side, when i think that i will cut off my relation ship with them , i feel sad that its because of her i have to seperate from my dear brother, for the past few days iam just thinking why this women behave like this what is wrong , nothing happened between me and her, may be she didnt like how me and brother are close, i dont know what else, she is a in depth person who guards her personal matters very fiercely, even simple things like who came to visit her, her father is sick, like that.so even if i ask she would nt say any thing , and then behave same way, hurt people and when they are not talking come talk nicely, its acycle, iam getting stressed out a lot, now she is nagging my brother for the past few months to take aanother big appartment and move out of this place. to be honest iam thinking why i should continue a relation ship that is so painful and then thay are my family so i have to face them through out my life, how could i avoid them .other relatives will ask what happened,even if i say what she is doing i have no evidence. iam not able to concentrate on any thing becoz of this, and she is happy as usual doing her routeine. ladies this may look like a small problem but iam very much upset, please advice your replies will be highly appreciated. regards srita

 

hi sad destiny, thankyou for your reply, only for the past 3 years we are living close, after coming here. i my self is a busy person with all work , and kids so i dont really interfere much with them, i dont go to their to house often , and me and she dont talk to each other or see each other for days, even if i confront her she is not going to open up, she is freindly with every body else but not with us, some times she behaves very indiffernt and rude,when my widowed younger sister used to live with my brother, this girl was working in differnt place, used call my sister and talk to my sister in rude way, then talk nicely in front of my brother, i have decided to stay away and avoid her but my only concern is that is creating distance between me and my dear brother.

 

hi sad destiny thankyou so much , iam already feeling much better after reading your replies, thankyou for taking time to rely my post, but still there are few things iam confused about, as usual she trying to come and talk to me as if nothing happened , she is being extra nice my children and want to take my opinion on what gifts to buy to go india and all that, coz she know what she did she is guilty .but i told my brother i dont wish t talk to her tell her not come she went to india now but when she comes back she start the same old drama, humiliate husbands family , keep them at distance, but still dontwant to loose them becoz who knows she will have lot of work with them like looking after her son when she goes out and when baby sitter dont come and all that.yes she is taking me for granted , you correctly assessed, she knows that if my brother asks i will do anything for him.
things i want to clarify are-
1- if she come back and talk to me nicely and try to make up as if nothing happened what should i do?
2- if she comes i should do the same thing what she did to me so that she should know how it feels
3- if i see her some where i shouldnt talk to her at all or only if she talks i should.
4- i shouldnt go to my brothers place even if he invites me to party or some thing /make some excuse
5-i f party or function at my home i should invite only my brother not her
6- i should tell her that i dont like her and stay away from me and not stress me out?
let me tell you little more about this girl- she want to keep every thing about her, even simple little things secret, but want to know every thing going on in our lives like who came to myhouse to visit etc.
very jelous she cant tolerate if any one achieves any thing higher than her. the day i got higher marks in the exam than her husband and when we brought our second car , i couldnt see her face.
holds grudges and takes revenge when you least suspects it
silently do things hurts people immensly, but dont leaves any evidence that she did.
when ever i see her now my skin crawls i have neber seen any body so wicked, every other day she need our help , but she dont hesitate to behave rudely and indifferently and meanly to us coz she know very well that even if she behave that way if my brother comes and asks i will do thigs not only that i will harass my husband to do things for them as my husband as lot of contacts, i some times feel we are being exploited and feel hurt that if my brother warns her strongly she wouldnt do that but he is himself is going easy with her thats why she is thinking that my husband is not saying anything so i can behave an how i like with them, if i behave with my in laws like that my husband will never tolerate that, and by brother is going too lienient with his wife.

 

hi dr preethis, thankyou for yor reply, first of i would like to tell you that you are being judge mental and drawing wrong assumptions i just asked for little advice, which we you can give in asmooth way instead of being bitter like that, i think being adoctor you should know how to talk in a comforting way than this,instead whipping harsh words like alash, hope you are not doing this to your patients, why i told that iam financialy in stable position than them coz i want to say that iam not bothering or depending on them for such financial things, and i didnt say that i helped them alotttt so they have to be grateful to me and showing authority on them,and how do you know that iam feeling superior, i tried to adjust in every possible way to make her feel comfortable and happy when ever we go out i will ask advice about every thing, we wil follow what she says so that she will feel included and not left out .even if that means money wise and time wise a burden to us. i never expected any gratitude from her or brother i just wanted her to be freindly and polite and nothing else. its her who behaves that she is far superior to us coz she is a general manager to a big organization, she dont show any respect to my husband even though we are older than her, even if we take it there is some reoson as you assumed that why she is turning her face ugly by seeing us, its thae same thing with my other siblings and family members , even my children and maid are afraid to go ask her some thing as she behave very in different and rude with them keeping a hard face,and for your information i dont go to their house often nor i will interfere in her business. i asked my self many times honestly though not loud and firm as you said, i didnot see any thing wrong, once this happened before when i asked her why she doin g like this she didnt say any thing but stopped talking to me for many days so i asked my brother to ask his wife whats going on, i have never been inquisitive about her things iam just not intrested in that its she who thretens her husband not tell any of her things to us, simple things like her brother contested for MLA in recent elections , her father is sick that kind of things also.and when some visitors come to my house she will be standing by the window inquiring that who is that why they came and all that,i never showed any attitude or expected them to grate ful, demand her to obedient to me or any thing like that, when we went to an outing recently its me who cooked, and took care of every thing i didnt insist her to help or do any thing,one last thing i want to say that we are all grown ups and matured people and come here for apiece of advice and some comforting words when we have a problem , if you can, try give them a little advice in asmooth way, and not to be judgemental or to draw wrong conclusions out of what people say. being amoderator doesnt give you any preveilage to talk to people in reprimanding way or harsh way and hurt them more,plese dont take it for granted. one should feel calm and comfortable when they read your reply, not hurt or bad.

to sad destiny,

thankyou very much for your kind and thought ful reply, i felt calm after i read your reply , i will definitly take your advice, you look like a very mature and thought ful person who know how to handle situations in life , i wish iam like you, other freinds also adviced me in this regard , but i see more more sense and reasoning in your reply. god bless you.

Dr.srita

 

and dr preethis dont bother to reply coz iam not going to return to this forum again, even though there are some good people like sad destiny, here with people like you around it makes no sense coming here and getting more hurt and bad.