"How to handle a possessive mother-in-law?"

Hi

I am a new member to this website, just wanted to discuss few of my problems which I am facing thesedays, I have been Married since 1 year , this was an arrange marriage and I love my husban alot and even I am very possessive about him, But my In-laws they keep on saying somthng or the other which causes conflict bw us. my in laws stay far off in punjab and we in delhi but they do have very influence over our lives, they keep calling us almost daily and start giving thier own suggestions do like this or that don't do this or that,,,,,and 1 fav ques about wht I prepared today for dinner and not to eat rice today tomorrow, bla bla.......I am fed up of thier peeping in our matters and my husband totally do the things as told by his parents. we support them financially aswell , so always after money asking where did we spend rest of our salary. They stay far off still they keep that command over us and keep sayng that sooner will shift with you guys in delhi and I am so worried that my life will become hell like this and my hisband wants I should yes to each and evrythng his parents asks me to do. My in lwas are a bit traditional and orthodox. not to wear this and that also starts up whenevr they come to oyur place for 7-10days.

Suggest me wht should I do , Becuase I am very frustrated and wonder wht my future will be once I have kids and my in lwas start stayng with us.

 

Hi Malini !

I am Ananya. This was a very relevant post that I found. I see different posts cutting through years, hope you are still available for help.

My background : I am newly married- arranged wedding, well educated, quit a well paying job to relocate to my husband's place after wedding, could resume work only after a couple of months due to a temporary inconvenience. My husband's family has been settled in Cochin for generations. He is the only child at home. He is a typical mama's boy and both the mother and son are extremely obsessed about each other.

Problem: It's only sometime that I am married, I have already facing problems. Problems started off even before the wedding when my MIL started interfering when me and my hub have any arguments over phone. She sides him no matter what.
My hub is quite harsh with words and is a difficult person to deal with. I find it hard to understand him. He throws tantrums for nothing, insults me infront of everyone for something silly, to quote one- not attending to him when he got back from office and I was busy talking to my brother over the phone and I didn’t notice him coming in. I was astonished to see the fact that my MIL was just quiet, not even bothering to even stop him. Forget my FIL. He never comes into picture, he is a silent spectator.
I am new to all this drama. I am born and brought up in North India, our family is quite broad minded and open. They still live in the north, and I feel bad rushing to them and worrying them with my problems, they might not approve of what is happening. I have been giving sometime to see if things are getting better but I see them only getting worse. The obvious solution is moving out, but I know he will definitely not. And even she wants to remain the no.1 woman in his life. But before wedding it was they both who were too excited to have me with them. They were all in praise of me.
My MIL puts up this “you are my daughter” show all the time, showing off how much she loves me. Only in words. My hub and she talk in private more than me and he could. I don’t know if she is the one who interferes or he is the one who always reports to her and clings on to her even for things that happen between us, to handle me.
Something that freaked me out today was she being sarcastic and later commenting me on some talk me and my hub had at night in the bedroom. Is she so cheap to listen to such things? Or why is he so, reporting such things to his mom? I was even more freaked when she said she is always informed about everything. As in, her behavior to me depends on how I talk or behave with her son in the bedroom. I am totally embarrassed and mad and I end up not being able to share it with anyone.
Problems are becoming grave everyday. I have been totally sincere and open with them because that is my true nature and my basic problem. Now I am taken for granted. Ill-treated, though treated well in public. My parents are always deliberately shown ignored, nobody calls or talks to them, even when they come to know they are sick.
I really don’t know what to do, I am putting up with it so that it doesn’t affect my parents and me. We’re still newly married and people expect us to be extremely happy, so do I. But he stays back at office ignoring me most of the times.
There is a new mind game on by the mom and the son to treat me and my parents in a cheap fashion.
I am getting on my nerves handling these stupid games and want to solve it without giving up.
Please do help!

 

Thnx for this post ... I will try working on it ... hope it helps me ... I have been recently married for 6months (arrange marriage) & due to possessive mil am not able to bond & develop love for my husband..... he has to feed mil & my emotional needs ... I feel sad for him .. but am not able to cope up with a sad mil and my husband..... I have a long way to go , this is just a beginning ...

 

I am in a similar situation. I agree, confiding in DH does not help. My DH tell me the same thing, and it makes me feel like a basket case. You need to outsmart your MIL. that is the only way. outsmart your DH and your MIL.

 

Don't believe your MIL. My MIL has been telling plp that my DH tells her everything. This is a complete a lie. I think you MIL is telling you this to infuriate you. Just ignore or say this never happened. I don't know what you are talking about. Are you sure he told you this??? Confuse her a bit and see what she does. I think you need to start playing the same mind games. Also work on getting a transfer to move out of the city.

 

I have been married 18 years and continue to face the same possessiveness of a widowed MIL and an only son...cinema style difference being my husband has stood by me and our 3 children unfailingly - yet to maintain loyalty to the so called mother in his fathers loss, has always been more than kind to her which she has always used to her advantage. MIL always had to sit between us, she always required that she be the medium through which I can connect with her son or vice versa. If that was even slightly done differently, it would lead to heavy duty drama which would make us feel guilty and a sort of punishment would be inflicted on us in the form of mental torture with her ignoring for days, stone dead silence, not eating, crying and making it next to impossible to face up to the next minute of our young lives. I was not supposed to speak to my husband, cannot sit near him or he cannot address me freely in her presence for any need as water or some silly thing, all these would lead to the same drama which would be like killing the inside of us for logically we know this is not right, yet as newly marrieds are helpless. The same routine of crying, lying down, protest and not eating and if we ignored the tantrum, it would lead to apply VICKS in her eyes and obviously fall with a THUD to ensure getting our attention and so on. In the family home, she wanted control over every detail of our lives. My husband and I were not emotionally allowed to talk to any people she didn’t like, anything and everything needed her approval and failing which we would be subject to the same drama repeatedly. When my husband went abroad and e-mails had yet to become popular, if ever the letters from him to me were a bit longer than the ones addressed to her, it would again lead to silence, tears and tantrum. In every way I tried to change and accommodate her. My siblings ask me what happened to that once confident me, they say I am like a cotton shirt without starch. I kept quiet for many many years but her tantrums only grew worse and in a subtle way later on led to telling lies about me to people in their family which would cause irreparable harm. If nothing she would simply tell my husband that the precious gold chain gift he had brought her with his first salary was taken by me and when I actually asked her did she believe that I had taken it, she would accuse her son of telling lies. I cannot express the mental harassment she has given me and my husband. Its almost as if she were punishing us for being together, even though ours was an arranged marriage. Through it all, I could see my husband suffering too silently as he had this duty towards her, she would ignore the life out of him. If she only tortured me mentally with all these, and at least cared for him, that would have given me some solace, it’s like she couldn't handle me or it could have been anyone else in her son's life. So she was angry with him like I have not seen a mother show this much contempt towards their son in the presence of his family. She would act wierd and when she got me alone would enquire about personal details on which contraceptive I was on, if she belonged to the elite, I can understand, but she was just an ordinary primary school teacher in a small town who outwardly didnt look like she knew anything on the subject. Her eyes were always on me and her mind in our lives. Slowly we moved abroad and again as duty bound, we would bring her to stay with us at regular intervals, and she would be treated as a guest of honour. All of us would make her stay so comfortable, but again it would be back to the same old story. As years passed, she started ignoring our 14 year old daughter, and crib about my 5year old son's questions and so on. She always wanted to get her way. However in these past 2-3 years, I have slowly mentally tried to live my life and keep her and her tantrums outside of my marraige. I left my job very early in marraige to be a full time Mom because early on itself I knew this lady would go to any extent and I wanted to protect my children and home from the ugliness of her words. Very recently just when I thought I had become strong and moved on, we decided maybe age has repaired her or time has healed and brought her to stay with us ,after all life is short and why to hold on to grudges and so on philosophy. but this time she played every game in the book and this is it for me, love at its most didn't change anything, forgiving silently didn’t change it, acting like nothing happened didn’t change it, encouraging and being her best friend even when I hurt inside gave her only more room to play next to second wife and throw every tantrum even against the children, if she didn't get her way. She would feel jealous if my daughter spoke to her father, she would accuse my 5 year old son of hurting her feelings just to make my husband irritated with him and this time she played with fire when she started using my 5 year old child as bait. THIS IS IT for me. She has hurt my parents enough and more which used to sadden me immensely but I comforted myself saying God sees. All of us kept giving her the room to do so because she was alone and now at 41 years of age, I know I dont have 41 more years to live in health. I have to move on, as an old adage says OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.

I would encourage all women going through an unchanging situation to hold on to love for your husband if he has it for you and get away from the MIL. They have lived their life , they have lived their marraige wrong or right choices we do not know, but we are not to pay our lives and happiness as a price for their lack of growing up or their frustrations and bad behaviour, move on is what I say, get every reminder of their hurts out of your house and start living before it is too late and a day will come when one of us in our marriage will leave this world and what we will have is regret that we never lived because some MIL somewhere never allowed us to live. Movies which show MILS alone and children being ungrateful should focus on DILS and sons being fried by MILS who have yet to grow in age gracefully. MILS are young girls who didn't correct their bad behaviour when they were young. Their husbands never corrected them and as they grow old are given crowns of old age but deep down they are still that vamp or villain or spoilt brat in movies which they must have been when they were young. A genuine woman is always a genuine woman’s friend. As mothers we know how good a friend a daughter can be and vice versa, the fact that some MILS and DILS don't have it right is one of them has yet to grow up and let go of negativism.

 

:bonkHi all

I hv been a silent reader from 2 yrs. But this topic made me write...

Have gone thru all worst situations from 5 yrs..But not to forget atleast from the last 2 yrs I have been living in a different city due to my hubby's job, far away from ALL!!

Now he wants to look out for a change again b cos for his mom's sake.......BUT I dont wanna go there!!!!!!

Sometimes wonder wat destiny has in store for me....Jus convincing to d max not to go to d place where his mom is but lets hope for d good..

Bye friends!!

 

Hi,
I wish i had come across this site earlier and read this article earlier.....

• "Do not bad mouth her in front of your husband
• Do not rise to the baits which she will throw your way by way of comments on cooking, housekeeping, saying how much weight her son has lost since marriage etc.
• Do not discuss your personal relationship with your husband with her. You never know when she might use it as information to be used against you."

i've made the first two mistakes already and....well...coz of that my husband and i are not in good terms....can anyone tell me how i can resolve these problems with her??
i have several other issues with her too....

but tell me what to do about this first....please....

 

Hi anaya,
i totally understand your situation...even i'm in a fix like that.....my in laws expect my parents to call them everyday and talk to them...and these people won't even call them....not even once....even before the wedding, if my dad had to ask or discuss about something, he'd call them and they are always so busy....they never called back if there was a miss call too...atleast you don't have a sister in law to deal with....

here i have one...she's married, but neither her parents nor she had the sense to send her to her husband's place....reason being she has a job here...its just a job...they've been married for almost a year now and they have lived together only for a month....what's the point in being married....since we're abroad, my FIL thinks that her husband should get a job here and settle here....but when he was here recently, he showed absolutely no interest in getting a job here....he wasn't even trying and yet these people are so insistent that he will get a good job here...so now its my duty...its always been my duty to make sure that she feels at home, that she doesn't feel left out...you know....sometimes my husband wants her to sleep in our bed with us coz she may be feeling lonely in her room....totally weird, but i'm not able to say anything at all.....

what do i do?? more over my MIL is worse than this....she expects that i run the house, but i can't do anything that i wish..i have to do everything according to her wish...fine i can abide by that...simple everyday fight starts with how much oil i use for cooking....my mom has always taught me to measure with a spoon and take the required amount, and also to use only a very minor amount of oil...and i follow that even when i'm cooking here....but my mother in law says i use a lot of oil...even for frying fish i use only 2 tbsps of oil....she deep fries everything and at tat time there's no problem of how much oil is consumed...ironic isn't it??(there's a lot of concern about food intake in our house since both me and my husband are both on the heavier side).....

next daily fight starts of with my dressing sense....she still wears such glittering type of clothes and cotton candy pinks etc something that is not in my sense of style....they talk about having status, but the way the mom and sis dress here are absolutely weird...we are middle class christians and there is a certain way that we dress....but that's not the fashion they follow....every single day a fight is started because of the conservative clothes i wear...even my husband does the same....they don't like any of the clothes i have...easiest solution tat i've seen for this is that they should buy some clothes for me....but have they???nope...NEVER.....

one day my mother in law claimed that she was more than my own mom...i was so furious...but i didn't say a single thing....recently when a fight started about my dress(we were going for a casual event and she wanted me to dress like i was going to a party/engagement) i just couldn't bear it anymore and i told my husband, "if your mother thinks she is more than my mother she should learn to tolerate my kind of style...learn to know me better..."

ever since the day i was married, i've heard a couple of things always repeated....by my MIL
1. i have only one son...i didn't grow him up with so much of care to throw him away like a piece of paper.
2. he was so reluctant to marry u, but i had to force him to marry you
3. you have to reduce your weight, i promised him that you would reduce your weight after marriage.
4. he had so many nice proposals, those girls were so pretty, well educated and from very nice families. (not once, but many times she told me this....to top it all she gave me a list of girls whom she had had proposals for my husband)
5. u never take care of this house as if its your own, you don't take care of your health or anyone elses....

this si what i hear everyday....


WHAT DO I DO??CAN SOMEONE HELP ME??

 

NewDIL2010.
Are you living with your IL's or you and H staying abroad.
If you are living with IL's.
1. Nobody sleeps in your room. Put your foot down and make it clear to your H that you are not willing to share bed with his sis or mom just because they are lonely. Tell him you can always help them in their lonlyness by taking them out or caring about them but you will absolutely draw the line when they want to sleep with you and H.
2. Coming to kitchen fights just ignore. For few days ask your MIL everything to the last grain of salt and follow her directions. Just tell her you want to learn her way of cooking and ask her every simple thing. In a few days she will get bored and will not tell you anything. Maybe she is worried that others will like your new way of cooking so its just her ego.
3. Comments about other qualified girls - just ignore. Don't even validate her comments.
4. If you think you are on the heavier side - Join a Gym or go for walking everyday. If MIL complains you can say you are working on loosing weight as she always advices you to do so. Exercising will get your good harmones working and you will be in a great mood also it will give you peace and quiet for the 30 40minutes you are walking.
5. trust in God and always do what is right.
Good Luck.