"How to handle a possessive mother-in-law?"

A really good post. A humorous take on possessive mother in laws. At the same time some good remedy to all common problems in such cases. A very nice post indeed.

 

Hi,
Very nice post, as it reflects my life condition exactly. This is my first post to IndusLadies, though I'm a regular reader. You guys are actally awesome..in giving advise and suggestions.. I've a situation with my MIL, which really confuses me a lot.. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing..Please advise me..

I'm in the exact same situation of having a very very possessive and insecure MIL.Its been 3 yrs since I'm married and mine is an arranged marriage.Infact my inlaws were very intrested in the alliance than my parents. My husband is very nice.. and we love each other a lot. He is the only son and he has a sister whos living with his parents and we live in US.

My MIL is possesive to the extent that she got into a depression soon after we were engaged fearing that I would seperate them. ( I really dont know why she badly wanted us to get married then..).And even went to the extent of commiting suicide and finally saved.Now shes all better.. but everybody in my husband's family including my dear husband are extra carefull in talking to her fearing that she'll fall into depression again.and they dont say anything for whatever she does.

I really dont know about all these for a long time.But came to know about this only when I saw her in action, when she came to visit us last yr.she would cook dishes only for her son and she would tell me not to touch them as they are especially for her son.. and he decides the menu everyday.. and many more things like this. Initially I didnt have the patience for all this and I busted out to her at one point for which she made a big fuss and told everybody that "I thought her as a daughter but she told me like this.." etc.. My FIL was also here at that time.. and he has a really bad temper (which I found out only then..) shouted at me that I'm the main cause of problems in their house.. and they are not happy after I came in.. (Believe me.. I cannot think about one good reason why they got me married to their son).My husband will remain neutral at these times.. and he 'll blame both his mom and also me.. so, finally I decided that I need to be tactfull as shes and keep smilling and get things done instead of fighting for it. Also, I followed some of the dos and donts which Malini has mentioned..and more than that with lots and lots of patience it worked. Though we were not buddies, things were ok between us. no big fight and all..and its working till this day.

But, another problem has come up.. she hates my parents like anything (for the same reason "god knows why"!) and nowadays as shes not fighting with me.. she picks up some lame reason to fight with my parents.. For example.. when they were here to visit us this yr..she shouted at them saying they didnt call her as soon as they landed..she insulted them a lot and shouted at them.

shes really insecure and always tells her son that she should be the first person that he should love and nobody is as important as her. and she was really scared that he'll like my parents more than her.

But while talking to me shes very nice and says that I'm a good DIL etc. I didnt know how to handle this situation at first.I dont want to spoil the relation ship I'd been building with her all these days too.. so, I asked my husband to handle the situation and he spoke to her about that and she accepted at first.. and was silent for sometime..

But now, everything has started again.. she picks up fight for all lame reasons but nothing really serious has come up util now.. I really feel sorry for my parents.. and often I feel guilty that only because of my marriage they need to suffer like this.. Every time my parents and inlaws meet I'm a lot tensed and I always pray that everything should go well.. I'm not sure if I've to do anything other than praying.. I'm not sure if I need to shout back at her.. which will push me to square 1 again and I'll destroy whatever trust which I was building all these days.. also she would make my life and my parents life hell.. Please adivse me..

I want to get along with my inlaws just for the sake of my husband ,he loves them a lot.. and I really love him a lot.I dont want him to suffer between us. all I really wanted when I got married was one big happy family. But I still dont know how to achieve that..

Thanks and Regards,
nhp

 

Hi Malini, Thanks for your points on this subject. I have very possessive MIL/FIL (my husb is only son, only one sis)...I really wish i had come to this website sooner and got this great advice before i made all of my mistakes....but i can always do better for my future, so thanks again!:iagree


sash

 

Hello ladies....I joined this forum today only while googling to get a solution to my never ending problem...in MIL......she is a modern cleopatra who is notorious and manipulative....She has this sick control over her son that suffocates me each moment of the day---365 days in the year.
I am married since last 5 years and staying in US since last 3 yrs with my husband, but STILL she controls everything in my life.
I did mistakes by bad-mouthing her in front of my husband who is all so very blind to her tricks on me and who is the winner you guess......that lady....
We had a love marriage, but it was arranged through everybody's consent, everyone seemed happy and i was treated nicely in the family. My husband in the younger among the 2 sons she has and the very frst day I entered the new family, my MIL started talking against the wife of her elder son, she treats her parents really bad. I work and have a very high sounding career ...may be because of that or may be her son chose me, she cannot be bad on me or my family.
We live in a different city and 1 month after marriage she came and started living with me......she with her sugarcoated behaviour tries to put a show every time in front of my husband that how great she is......she even dared to sleep in my bedroom....between me and my husband...that crossed all limit......I guess no culture on this planet approves that......but my dear husband....his moma's little baby did not open his mouth.....but I had to......and I am the bad person now.
I have a stressful job which never allows me enough time for my own care so forget about the quality time that includes crap saas-bahu talking and watching stupid star-plus Kk-series soap operas.....she indirectly started pushing her son against me by praising me in front of her.......she is always busy doing make-up and moving around my husband, kissing him and treating him as a baby and all this makes me sick......
now that we are in US , luckily I do not have to see her face, but she is capabale anough to spoil my life over phone ...she even openly challenges me that if her son has to choose one between her and me, it will be her......
The saddest part is my husband though very loving and caring to me, does not agree with me on any of her sick plots......he is so naive.......i am going through serious mental depression because of all this crap.......help.......help.........help.........

 

Dear Malini

I am agree to your tips for handling a possesive mother in law. I have gone through this all process.

My MIL is very possesive , she takes control of all the things in house.

I had good relation with her means no fights and peace at home as I obey what she says. I can lunch and dinner ready, no any other house hold tension.

I feel that all these tricks are for short time duration. When lady is newly married but in long term these are not useful.

I have problem that my creativity is vanishing, I do know what my husband eat at lunch and at dinner ( as she do allow to interfer me in cooking and serving to my husband) , She decides all the things in my life.


From all this result is husband and wife relations are not good and tight.
For my baby I can not cook whatever I feel.
If I want to eat something diffrent , I use to have go outside for food.
Many times I use to praise her for her false things also
I do not choice which dress I should wear, which jwellary I should wear
I do not have space for myself in my life
Everyone others in house has bad impression that I do not do any work , and not knowing cooking.
It gives negative feeling in mind
I do not have interest in life and behaves life a papet.


Can you tell me what is life long solution for this problem.

 

Malini,

A real nice thread..... must read for all..... great job....:bowdown:bowdown:bowdown

 

hi
Its really happening in my case.

 

dear pallavi
u r right when u say that these things have a life, when u give in to other person's will.
u will have to build ur selfrespect first of all.
start by reading motivational stuff,
then start to sit down and just be with ur self for some time. don't talk to anyone. let others think u r asleep or so.think about what ur life was and what it has become and what u want from life, and what could be and should be the future course.
this will help u prioritise ur life and the creativity u think has gone away will return.
:idea
do relate to other people around u, the ones who like u. can be anyone..a friend , a relative .parents. siblings anyone,this will help u see straight in life.ur life as a doormat has to change but gradually, as u have set a speed to it already, u can not stand and start to fight for ur rights one fine day. start doing things which u like. and tell others what u like. might be nobody around u ever realised u like some particular thing. see their reaction if they r trying to do that thing for u then be positive on the outcome.

if possible join a job esp where u go out of home for some time/ or an NGO where u can help others. this will give u a sense of acievement.
if i can think of anything else i'll post

 

hi Malini ji..

fantastic thread...while reading ur thread i feel like the same happened in my life.....
but whats eating me is...i have complained about my MIL's behaviour with my DH and he said that i am over reacting and he said "why are you feeling like that while my mom is treating u like herown daughter?" ....i know ...this is a big blow from my hubby.. but what to do...i did that...so any ideas to straighten the mess which i have already done...

bye
creeper

 

Hello muzna

Thanks for your reply to my post.

Really I need introspection and meditation.

I am going though it. To speak it is very easy but practically it is very difficult for me

Thank for your advice , I am agree to it.

My husband also say to me that live your life, do whatver you like this will give you new direction

Pallavi