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How To Get Strength From These Circumstances

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ChennaiExpress, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    For past week, the issue came up that I'm consuming my life helping my Dad.

    One of my co-workers even asked where is my mom in all of this. I diplomatically answered she is in her own world and obsessed with Indian serials, i.e., calling friends, discussing serials, crying over the characters.

    The is more to that. Not only my mom will not help, she will also sabotage.

    And yesterday when my Dad and I were discussing something, he then says, "but they all have life, not like CE who doesn't have life"

    Then the conversation changed.

    There are certain things that my Dad cannot do himself because he is in immense pain with underlying health issues.

    Honestly if I had time I would try to go for PhD to do meaningful work and meet like-minded people.

    My Dad and I don't see a way out of these circumstances and last night, I was feeling dejected and helpless.

    How to gain strength from circumstances beyond our control?

    And how to get people to stop feeling sorry for me, because it only makes things worse.

    This is especially important because when that rapist (who pretended to be my Husband, doesn't even deserve to be called an ex) was pressuring me to get pregnant (so he can get GC), he taunted that when I am in 40s people will feel sorry for me.

    Who is going to be right, a woman or a rapist?

    I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME!!!!!!!!! (yes, I am screaming at the top of my lungs)


    So far for fun, I paint and do self-study what I am interested in (may help me determine what to get PhD on)
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
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  2. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Don't worry about what people think about you. Live your life in a way that makes you content.
    I would suggest some volunteer activity that helps some NGO. Since you paint, may be teach kids to do it, or do posters for the NGO. Never mind what your dad on anyone says. When you are responsible for the smile of a third person unrelated to you, that can give you a lot of satisfaction.

    Also, try dating to get to know more prospective partners. Go on one date at least a month.

    PhD is usually 4-5 yrs almost full time activity unless some university gives you an honorary PhD due to contributions in a certain field. If you have that kind of time and resource at your disposal consider it.
     
    September2015 likes this.
  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Most of the time when I am helping my Dad, I do feel content. It is when outsiders say what I am lacking in life that my Dad takes to heart. Circumstances are forced upon us for a reason, i.e. our Karmas.

    We struggle through unfavorable situations due to our Karmas, but when other comment on how we are living life wrong, it is like putting mirchi on the open wound.

    Who is to say being married and having kids will lead to content life?

    I'll have to find a way to go on date at least once a month .....
     
  4. eternalnomad

    eternalnomad Silver IL'ite

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    Dear @ChennaiExpress

    You are incredibly selfless to be doing what you're doing by helping your dad but don't lose sight of your own life in the process. You don't wanna end up regretful or resentful years from now, plus there's also the risk of your parents taking you for granted since you're always there to help. Do devote some time for yourself when ever you can, there's nothing wrong with it. It would be great if your mother could take up more responsibility in caring for your dad so that your life doesn't just revolve around medical issues.
     
    September2015 and suasin like this.
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I've been close to my Dad hence I wish to help. I do worry that what if later down the road I don't have opportunity to meet someone for matrimonial alliance.

    Unfortunately my mom enjoys when my Dad is suffering and in pain.

    It's our Karmas we got stuck with the good, bad, and ugly.

    If I had enough $$$ is hire household help to deal with the small things.
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Jus like how we say, that you have to find your own happiness even with spouse n kids, it applies when with parents as well.

    The point being, don't lose yourself. Respect who you are as an individual.

    I think keeping you a lil more engaged socially will help you more. You are single, yet you aren't enjoying the perks of being single. So put some effort into that aspect.

    There are many dating apps n sites now, use it. Go on mandatory dates every 2 to 4 weeks atleast.

    Plan night outs with your friends or any eat outs. But go out n dance, drink, eat, sing, fool around or whatever it is that you like to your hearts content.

    Join weekend treks, day trip - there are many groups for that n inexpensive too.

    Get out more often, get out of house, office, Doctor routine. Doing this will give you more energy to face all the life's challenges.

    N challenge yourself to be more positive about everything, smile more - even think positive. Give yourself a reward if you can keep it up for a week. Then pro long the period. You are the only one who can make or break your own life.
     
  7. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Now I'm forcing myself to wear makeup and buy few colorful clothes I can even wear to office.

    Still really hard but 4 years after miscarriage, it get tiring wearing these long, dark formal maxi skirts.
     
  8. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    How to be friendly with the Indian ladies in the office. So far, I am painting something for one of them (because it's something I really want to do)

    And how to be friendly with the one or 2 new ladies who joined our team.
     
  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Start smiling, say hi, start talking, listen to them, start msging on Whatsapp, call if both are ok, find common interest, even talking about common people works (doesn't have to be bad talks), crack jokes, laugh, eat together, then you can plan some outings that are shorter in duration n closer in distance, shopping, eat outs, movies, night outs, even join some activities together in time.

    You can also share gifts like your painting or something food based. Do not over do.

    These things can take some time. Be patient but consistent n put in the efforts n take initiatives. Every relationship takes its own time n energy. Slowly they will start calling you on their outings or any of their friends might join yours. That's how it normally happens.
     
  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you are an amazing person that you take care of your dad so patiently and dedicatedly . Like others said you also have to enjoy your life . I hope you find your balance . Others have given many tips .

    If possible , try to take out time for travel or more hobbies ... Use ur free time to make your life richer. For office ladies , u have to start by small talks when passing by their cubicle or coffee stand or mirror ... After many such conversations , u can ask them to join for tea . Slowly friendship will grow .
    Be yourself , don't be over enthusiastic .. just be your natural self and everything will be fine.
     

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