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How To Get Rid Of The Resentment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kenny, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all!
    I just need help for myself,I am so sick and tired of my Mils double standards and manipulative attitude and my dh being a mamma's boy.I know they will never change.Its been a decade already.There attitude is the same except that i have someone who loves me unconditionally and that is my old 5 year daughter.I single handedly take care of all her stuff.The only thing my dh does is drop her to the school bus in the morning.No doubt he is a loving dad ,but when it comes to doing stuff he is never around...or always tired ,so mostly i manage everything.Though i am working too but i still manage everything.
    what irks me is that for around 2 months husband was away for a project to some other city,so i manage all the responsibilites ,daughters and mil's too,but i dont get any help from he ever.Whenever i ask for doing a small job like making chapatis (dough is already their),when the cook doest turn up,since i reach at 9.30 at night,she will simply say that my shoulders are paining.I go two times to work ,since its my own consultancy,so morning i go everyday when she is school,and eve i go 3 times a week.We earlier had a cook who used to come twice,so things were manageable.But now she has gone,so i have someone else who comes only once i eve when im away so that i dont have to worry for food being cooked.morning i make breakfast and lunch and then go.
    It really makes me very angry that she cant put the child to bed,only 2-3 days a week,since she gets very tired the next morning.i dont see any cooperation.If maid doesn't turn up husb will ask me if i can cook chapatis,if i say i it wil be late when i come home then they tell me to get chapatis from outside.Mind you my mil is absolutely hail and hearty but is always doing dramas infront of dh.As soon as he enters home she starts screaming with pain.This really irritates me.I don't know why my dh cant see teh drama...When she is going to her kitty parties and with her friends to malls then she is fine....I am not against her going out,but cant she occasionally help when my maid doesn't turn up...For that also dh will take her side.He has never supported me infront of her in this life ,but will be over protective for her.
    I was off for 15 days to my parents,that time my mil used to cook twice a day,that time she doesn't need any cook too,that time her shoulders do not pain...Its only when im in the house,se feels she should not lift a spoon too.
    I have stopped caring for both of them as a result of that....i as it is hardly get time with all my chores,work and my daughter....But slowly its growing a lot of resentment inside me...I want to be cam and relaxed but when i see then together all the time...it really bugs me.
    As a result my dh has also become like his dear mommy,always crying....if he has cold...the whole house will know he has cold...he will take a day off...then he wants to get his fever checked every now and then though he doesn't have any fever...if that is over...he will keep saying he has some backache...uff...
    i feel so bugged that they all the time complaining...
    i as a result value life and the things God has given me...Want to see the positive side of life...but there is such a lot of negativity in the house that it annoys me..When mil is not around husb acts as a loving and caring husb,else becomes a mommas boy...and on all weekends she already plans work from him so taht she is glued to him.
    To be honest i liked the time when i was alone with my daughter and mil...(mil becomes sharif when dh is not around in the city)because she knows her dramas will not work for me..Is infact good to me ...she is one selfish woman.My daughter definetely missed her dad but i was more a peace..But else its the same drama all the time...
    I just want that i want to be at peace with myself..I feel that i should not have any expectations from dh but i smehow get them..This is harming me more than good..Cn someone throw some light on this.
    thanks
     
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  2. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    Please dont give free rental space to people whom you dont like in your mind . Practise acceptance and forgiveness. THis is the only way we can defeat the drama and negativeness. Slowly you will reach a point where these things will seem so trivial to you. do some yoga , pranayama and if possible attend Art of living HApiness program.

    Hapiness is within. Once we become happy from within automatically things will fall in place
     
    lazy likes this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Problems:
    Dh's n mil's lack of helping out at home:

    First thing to do is to hire a better cook / help, have two people coming in, so even if one takes off, the other will still come. Get help to take care of the whole day cooking, house chores n maybe even putting your child to sleep.
    What does this do:
    Saves everyone time n resentment, esp yours.
    N your mil doesn't have to pretend fake sickness when she's not expected to help you.
    Spending some extra money is worth it as resentment builds faster when we get overworked. When you are relaxed, this resentment will decrease. Why not make it easier for you when you have the means n choice?

    Have no expectations from your mil, she's old n demands for her son's attention n you can't change her now. She's done helping, working n raising a kid n now she's retired, she clearly doesn't want to work anymore. If she likes traveling, start sending her to all kinds of holy n normal tours.

    Mil's weekend plan:
    Force them to split it, one day for her, one day for you. If he wants one weekend for himself, he can balance it. But you get weekend time equally.

    Hubby's tantrums:
    Your dh doesn't seem to know how to balance this. He may need more push from you on that.

    But first focus on making your life easier with appropriate help n build more positivity.
     
  4. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    @kenny Your main issue is that you are doing everything singlehandedly and with zero help or support from anyone else. Do you ever make time for yourself? On weekends, start going out by yourself (maybe your daughter can stay with your parents for the day if you aren't comfortable leaving her at home, it doesn't seem like you MIL looks after her at all).

    The key is to make time for yourself and do something that you enjoy and that relaxes you. It will help you stay calm during the week when you have to deal with the situation at home.

    If you want to do something right, you have to do it yourself. Stop expecting MIL and husband to help out, make provisions so that you can have someone to do the chores you can't do and/or look after your daughter when you aren't home.
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @kenny does your husband know that you feel this way about him? half the time, they are oblivious to what is going on in our minds. have you communicated to him that you are starting to lose sh!t?
     
  6. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks all for your replies,
    i have hired a cook who will come twice from tomorrow,i always had one and she left the job coz of certain reason
    but what bugs me more is when my husb gives in to his dear mom and is just glued with her all the time when any such episode happens when i answer back.If i stop talking to him he never bothers ,i was angry because of that incidence so he will never bother to ask me whats wrong..and after 2-3 days wil talk as if nothing happened..
    @Rakhii-no i haven't spoken to him but need to speak to him about it,waiting for the opportunity sicne my daughter is there most of the times and i don't want to discuss infront of her.
     

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