How To Get Over This Vacuum

kenny · Jan 30, 2017

Hi ladies,
Im writing after a long time ,though time and again i have turned up here for help..
It has been 9 years that i am married now with a 4 year old daughter and these 9 years have never been easy for me.
Im married to a mammas boy whos mom decides the smallest of things for him(Though he is a v senior position in office but at home acts like a 2-3 year old child.)On the other hand i was raised to be a v independant girl wo always took her own decisons.Was always working since the beginning of marriage and managed everything on my own ...all the household chores and also work...
There is a lot of resentment which i have for my mil and also for my husband coz he has never ever stood for me or supported me for whatever his mom said or did.She is best at doing one thing that is to create differences between us and has also been successful at it most of the times for the simple reason that my husb listens to every crap of hers.As i mentioned in my earlier posts that i was so much under stress that after my delivery i had a rare blood disorder for which i needed to transfuse blood every month and then finally had to have a bone marrow transplant too...So because of that i had to take a break in my career too.Now i really want to get back to work ASAP but not getting a good opportunity.
Talking about my husband,he is good to me till he is not brainwashed by her.In the initial years of marriage never used to spend any money on me coz i was working too so i was supposed to spend for expenses on my own.Now thankfully he does and has changed that ways.
I have always been treated like an outsider in this house.The moment my husband comes my mil sticks to him and keeps chatting with hiim when he is too tired to go to bed and would talk so softly that even though im in the same room i wont be able to understand.We always go out on weekends along with her.Husband doesnt feel that we should go out alone too as a family...wants his mom every where...Though initially i used to press him to take me out alone it used to be v rare...that too when told....now i have given up...dont feel like telling him too coz i feel that he also should feel to be with his wife which unfortunately he doesnt.
He hardly has anything to talk about ecept about our daughter.My daughter is the only one who makes me feel special and loves me like crazy and prioritises me over any body else.
He would never appreciate me for any thing...like for example for her bday i organised everything on my own....from the theme to the food ,the games ,return gifts ...everything...and only he went to order the cake with me thats it...that too i decided the design....he didnt even bother to say once that i managed ev thing so wel...though other friends appreciated...My daughter was the only one who was praised in her class for her writing skills...He would never acknowledge the hard work i put in with her and make her pracitise....though her teacher messaged me saying im a very good mother....but i really feel unloved from his side...
Im not just a robot here to do the job....there are many many things...these were just two example...the point is he would criticise me for 1 thing which i havent dont but will never appreciate the 99 things i have done...As a result it is making me distant from him...im not here just to fulfill hhis sexual needs whenever he wants...i have an emotional vacuum inside me..i cant share my emotions with him being his wife...if i talk about my expectations he gets wild and gets angry and is v defensive for his mom.
On the other hand he fulfills all his duties...like would get everything what i say for my daughter....Buys me all dresses i need to...Will take us out wherever i say but will tag his mom along too...but will ask me where to go...Was with me and supportive for me during my transplant...so there are many good qualities too...From the outside everyone feels he is a dutiful husband and he is ...but emotionally i cant connect to him...may be because of the wall he has created since the beginning...I have problems with him only because of his mom who is v insecure and manipulative else he is a good man...
My Mil needs one victim to shout and abuse and to keep bickering about to my husband.Initial 5 yaers of marriage i was the one...then we kept a maid...she used to keep blasting her...then it was her cook...the bcoz of my illness my parents came here to help for 2-3 months so she was v bad to them too...and made my husband on her side as usual and showed herself as the poor vulnerable lady and my parents having fun here and they said that my parents came here to rest..huh(which parent will rest in their daughters house when their daughter is in a life threatening condition and is having a transplant)...then my mils old mother 85+ years old came to stay with her for 4 month since she cant stay alone now so is living with all kids...She used to keep shouting and abusing he too...so that time she was the victm and now its me again...She is a narcisst who has made my life hell...
i dont expect anything from her neither do i expect her to change after all these years but what to do about the xpectations from my husband...i cant live forever like this...i know i keep explaining myself that i have to be happy no matter what but when i see my husbands behaviour change because of her i feel v sad...the house gives negative vibes...i want to give a healthy environment to my dear child and ofcourse myself...Is there any solution to my problem or i will have to live my life like this only...plz guide..

pinky2cute · Feb 1, 2017

Dear op.... i see my future self in you...and i pray god I shouldn't be.

I'm just married over a year now and i have same issues like you. My husband is typical mumma's boy...and papa's pet. If he sneeze also they will barge running into our BEDROOM and voilate our privacy without any hesitation.
They made my husband as their puppet. My husband thinks that his life is given by his parents so it is his duty to do as they say (duh! As if we girls have just been conceived in heaven and dropped on earth to marry these puppets?!).

My husband used to lie to me about where he spend his salary... he wont spend money on me despite me not earning.... and yet he would turn into a passionate lover by the night and want the wife for sexual pleasures!

After a lot of fights, me not allowing him to even touch me for few days and lot of emotional verbal exchanges, now he has a bit changed.
Still he lies, he tells everything to his mom whatever convo we have as husband and wife and even now he doesn't tell me how much money he gives his parents or spends.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give you.
In my case also MIL and even fIL is manupulative. Even if my husband tries to come out of their shadow and try to get close to me and listen to me, they will cry crocodile tears and emotionally blackmail them that after marriage their son is changed and doesnt care abt them anymore blah blah.

I'm also fed up of this! I'm dreading that what ypu are going through now is what I'll be going through too.
My husband is good at heart and loves me a lot. He can't see me hurt but he is unable to take a stand for me infront of his parents though he know tey are wrong.

Though as of now I'm living in hostel owing to my studies, I feel they are utilising this and manupulating my husband more in my absence.

Any ladies who can advice please tell me also

YoGirl · Feb 1, 2017

Op,
I was in ur shoes before...and came out of it for most part.
First of all, H wont think that u r doing a favor by arranging bday party for ur daughter. He thinks that it is your duty. Same goes with treating guests and household stuff. He looks at it as ur responsibilities and hence no appreciation. Good that he is fulfilling all his duties. Do u also appreciate him on regular basis for doing his husbandly and fatherly duties??
Secondly, the wall btw u both has been built by inlaws. Infact it was there since his childhood and it never came down. Do you resent to situations/things u dont like? Do u give back or shout back? I am just trying to understand ur defensive mechanism here. As for me, i used to silently take it, but eventually started to shout back and point them to whats wrong. In my view, i am one team and H along with inlaws are another team.
After a point, my H got soo irritated and his peace of mind got disturbed and this means that he is coming out of mom shell and started looking at things in my way. All this while i became even more emotionally distant, but i stood up for myself. There were days when we didnt talk, seriously contemplated divorce, etc, but i always reminded him that we r fighting for simple and silly issues and our daughter is at stake for our stupidity.
My H still feels that his mom should accompany him which he thinks is not needed to some extent. So, i started texting him to meet me after work before going home or go grocery shopping in weekend with him,etc. my MIL would get jealous even if we went for walk after dinner. Lot has changed now. Mil is still jealous, but we learnt ignore it a little and carry on with the necessary stuff. Now she doesnt mess with me, stays silent and doesnt oppose me. But i know that her silence doesnt mean i won. She will bounce back once in a while. That is natural. I will b ready with my points too. I went till an extent of shouting in front of her relatives about what she is doing and her jealousness. I dont know what drove my mind that moment.

So, its u n ur H who needs to find small work arounds to over come this situation. We plan carefully and never allow a project to fail in office, but for life , we go with the flow and crib for the situations. Plan plan plan and stand up for urself.