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How To Get Comfortable To Say No ?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by BeautifulSmile, Dec 16, 2024.

  1. Dec 16, 2024 #1
    BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

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    Long story short, I am in foreign country, I took my electrical car but I didnt yet import into the foreign country yet. But insurance aware I will be driving this car but a visitor. I have many complications there so lets not get into why its not imported or taken license etc.

    Issue is: with whom I am sharing my apartment that lady has an adult son, he comes home occasionally and uses my car. He is a night person, also day time also when his mom's car is there constantly takes mine out. I am very careful driving here as I dont want to get in cops eye. Also he is having local DL I have US DL. there are lot of things. Now that I will be gone to India for 3 weeks during holidays, I am very sure they will ask for my car. 1. I am not comfortable to give him car when I am here. 2. I am not all comfortable when I am gone.
    He is the best driver but mistakes are mistakes who can predict what. He himself got into major accident 3 years ago. When ever he takes the car I get super scared, up all night till he comes home tracking him through my car.
    I am very uncomfortable to communicate this message, they are 100% aware of all the issues I have related to this. This man feel bad and this mom may feel bad as well if I say NO but I need to at this point. Help me to say no, please.
     
    BeautifulSmile, Dec 16, 2024
    BeautifulSmile, Dec 16, 2024
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  2. Dec 17, 2024 #2
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How to get comfortable with saying No is something that comes with time or something we never master. You just need to learn how to say No in a manner that keeps the conversation short, the other person is temporarily disappointed, and all move on. That's been my experience. I can say No but it bothers me for a few days before and after.

    In this case, say you spoke with insurance about your trip and they asked you to take picture of odometer before you leave and after you return to prove it's not been driven in your absence. Then say during the conversation the agent also asked about who all drive car and (re)-cautioned you to be the only driver.

    Replace "insurance" with some other authority if needed.

    So till now you were ok with her son driving but after this talk with insurance you cannot let anyone but you drive. Don't say "I am not comfortable", that is wishy-washy, keep your No non-negotiable.

    This might solve the borrowing problem for good.
     
    Rihana, Dec 17, 2024
    Rihana, Dec 17, 2024
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  3. Dec 17, 2024 #3
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    “No” is a complete sentence. Remember that whenever these situations come up. How is the young man taking your car? Are you giving the key when he asks? Just firmly and politely say that you cannot lend your car due to insurance reasons. Move the car elsewhere while you are gone and look for alternate living arrangements so you don’t have live with this discomfort.
     
    MalStrom, Dec 17, 2024
    MalStrom, Dec 17, 2024
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  4. Dec 17, 2024 #4
    BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your reply @Rihana and @MalStrom . I take your idea.
    Just my heart is beating high, couldnt sleep properly as I am thinking to say No. How stupid I am. Why do I care so much about others ? Ugh.

    This man is his late 20's. Either his mom or him asks for the key usually. With the bonding I have with his mom I couldn't say NO also couldn't relax. This man also helpful with giving me the information in the new country and drove me around in their car many places, treated me like a family though I know them for only for few days. That is why I am finding it hard to say NO.
    Last time when this man (and his relatives were around that time) they drove 2 or 3 days for few hours. When they go through tolls at least they need to give me heads up right, but they didn't. It was not minimal amount either.
     
    BeautifulSmile, Dec 17, 2024
    BeautifulSmile, Dec 17, 2024
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  5. Dec 17, 2024 #5
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Usually after you live abroad for a while, saying No comes more easily as we realize what is at stake. In this case, sorry to agree with you, you are being stupid and taking risks not worth taking. You know it's not just a risk of damage to your car, you could be liable for injuries to others if he causes an accident.

    Don't do it. Don't take such risks. Not fair to you, and your family. Does your husband know they borrow your car?

    After reading your second post, I second MalStrom - just say No, it is a complete sentence.

    It always surprises me how people make such requests, how they put others in s spot where the other person is forced to say No.
     
    Rihana, Dec 17, 2024
    Rihana, Dec 17, 2024
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    BeautifulSmile likes this.
  6. Dec 17, 2024 #6
    sln

    sln Finest Post Winner

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    There are three options and the option you choose depends on the current relationship and future dependence.
    The first option is a simple straight forward NO.
    The second option is that sentimentally you don't find it comfortable to leave the key with some one elso.Third is put the blame on your mom who will not agree for such an arrangement and you can't lie to her.
    In life you will come across many such circumstances when you have to swallow a bitter pill.Be prepared.In the long run a straight forward approach will stand you in good stead
     
    sln, Dec 17, 2024
    sln, Dec 17, 2024
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  7. Dec 18, 2024 #7
    kaluputti

    kaluputti Platinum IL'ite

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    Who can take of you well, if not yourself? One must feel comfortable to say 'NO' since it is 'you' your interests', it is not going to kill anyone' the other person is taking advantage of you (observe he is not even thinking about this, but being selfish), and you are prioritizing yourself. Go ahead and say no.
     
    kaluputti, Dec 18, 2024
    kaluputti, Dec 18, 2024
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    BeautifulSmile likes this.

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