How to forget hurtful things and live with MIL as if nothing happened

simmi123 · Feb 20, 2008

Hi,
I’m married for almost 3 and half years now, have a sweet lil daughter.

Let me start with my before married life first, before we get to the point.
My hubby and me got acquainted thru Internet and as it turned out we are also very distant relatives. Things worked out fine. We got engaged, my MIL, FIL and the entire family was very good towards my family and me.

I and my family though Mahrashtrian, were born and brought up in the Northern India.
 
Anyways, everything went fine, we got married, returned from our honeymoon and from the very next day my MIL started counting the proposals my hubby got before we got married. Initially I took it lightly and didn’t respond much to it. But she would make the same discussion again and again and especially highlighting another distant cousin from their side. MIL seemed to get her son married to her…but the cousin refused, as she liked someone else. My MIL never missed to mention her, and how she was good at everything and indirectly comparing her to me. I still tried to put up with it.
I knew I wasn’t very good with the household chores but I tried my best with whatever I could and today I take pride in calling myself a good chef. That was frustrating!!
 
Then my FIL made fun of my Marathi….and I never complained because I knew I wasn’t too great with it….yet I tried to learn the proper vocab. I found it OK as he was just trying to make me improve….but then the jokes went on in public. Both my MIL and FIL took every opportunity to make fun of me in friends and family which was embarrassing. I just shrugged away my shoulders to hide my embarrassment. I never back answered them anytime then.
 
We then moved to the USA, and when I was carrying my MIL & FIL volunteered to come and stay with us…and I was glad too. They took good care of me…and I tried to make them comfortable in every way too. I used to cook food whatever they liked and made every effort to keep them happy. When my date came closer and we went out for shopping, I was always interfered by my mother…don’t buy this, why do u need it and stuff…which was annoying every now and then. She wanted to be in the delivery room with me to which I hesitated. And of course she did not like that. But she should respect my privacy and wishes too sometime.
 
I was past due my due date and things were getting tensed and she would further scare me with stories of how her niece delivered a child without brain, again counting the list of proposals they got for my hubby and especially the cousin…which took my depression to an all time low. But I wasn’t in a position to say anything then.
 
 
Anyways, everything went fine. After a complicated c-section and worth the pain we were blessed with a beautiful daughter. Soon my parents arrived and it was their first time with us after our 3 years of marriage and I was so happy. My in-laws were about to return to India when my FIL had a heart attack and he had to be hospitalized. I hadn’t even recovered then. Things got tensed as there were so many people in the house, plus a newborn to be taken care of. My husband and I were the only drivers in our house and as in the US only people who can drive can survive the others are dependent on the drivers. Yet I did my best with the hospital visits, driving was impossible for me as it stretched my stitches…yet I did. My mother helped out a lot that time with my FIL’s needs, cooking, looking after the baby, and me. Yet my MIL was never satisfied…she wanted me to be more involved even in that condition…I didn’t know what did she expect from me….she wanted me to cancel my appointments with the OB visits, overlook my newborns needs, and attend only to FIL when there were 7 people in the house to care for him and I did too….with whatever strength I had.
 
My parents were supposed to be on a vacation and visit US but preferred to stay home and help around till my FIL recovered. After a month both my FIL and me recovered to a better condition. Now it was my chance to entertain my parents for a while. They had never tasted anything I’d cooked cause I never did before I got married so I used to prepare the best recipes I had and entertain them the same way I had for my in-laws. But there was something else going behind my MIL’s mind. She blamed me for paying extra attention to my parents and ignoring them. She had some stories cooking up which came out of nowhere. She started behaving abnormally. For instance I got my in-laws some gifts for their wedding anniversary and they rudely returned it saying they do not celebrate it. I just insisted saying it was with love and regards and I do it for my parents too. She was infuriated and said, well that doesn’t happen in our family and I had to hear this everyday for the next 3 months. I did not even understand why she got angry in the 1st place L
 
It might have been stressful for her during my FIL’s illness I understand and took things lightly. She seemed stressout and so I requested her to take rest and she yelled at me saying “as long as I’m alive I can take care of my husband and don’t u dare tell me what not to do.” I kept my calm.
 
And just a day after she started yelling at my mother for nothing…this was beyond my patience now and I angrily shouted at her to backoff from my parents and I won’t take any of this anymore and then there was a big bad scene in front of my parents which was also embarrassing. Though it took us long to get back to talking terms again but I can never forgive her for what she did that day.
 
[FONT=&quot]Now she persuades my husband to return to India. I wud b glad to return to India but I do not want to stay with them anymore…….what do I do?? I don't want to go thru it all again. I don't even know if her persuasion that forget "whatever happened then" is true or just a sweet talk trap!!!!
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CarpeDiem · Feb 20, 2008

Hi Simmi,

Firstly congratulations on your beautiful daughter. It is so sad to hear about this childish display by your MIL especially during the time when you should be enjoying your beautiful baby and not have any of these external issues to deal with. I know how much work is involved in having a newborn and to have to deal with in-law issues in addition to that is not a joke. It just ruins our peace of mind.

A relationship can be sustained only if we move on, learn from it, forgive and forget. As hard as it is to let go of certain issues especially when it involves your MIL talking rudely to your own parents, we need to learn to let go otherwise our minds will be pre-occupied with negative feelings and hatred. Life is also too short to carry this extra mental baggage around. I have learnt that the more negative and past incidents I let go, the more lighter and happier I feel and as a result am able to give more of my good self to my daughter.

I think you should:
- Be civil and respectful to your in-laws

- When the situation is calm, talk coolly to your MIL and say that you did not appreciate her talking to your parents this way

- The next time she talks about your husbands "many" proposals, just say that now there is no point talking about it since he is stuck with you for better or worse (say it all with a smile)

- Don't overdo anything - just be moderately nice. Sometimes we as DILs try extra hard to please our In Laws initially and find it hard to keep up....

- Concentrate on your daughter and try to enjoy your parents company. Don't get stressed out that you have to entertain them. They are your parents and have come to help you out with your child and be there for you.

- Also talk to your husband about the move back to India and see if you guys can stay in a different city or stay independently. What is his take on all this?

Good Luck,
CarpeDiem

Happysoul1234 · Feb 21, 2008

Since I had an inter-caste love marriage, my MIL subjected me to the numerous proposals that she had for her son as well, and also mentioned the huge dowries she lost out on because her son married me. In addition, she would always say how obedient her son was, how he always followed her wishes to the T. I realized she was egging me on so I ignored her all the time when she made comments like that, at the same time thinking in my mind.. well if your son is such a maa-ka-bhakt, how the hell did go against your wishes and marry me!

My advice for maintaining peace is as follows

1. Ignore any comments you do not like or agree with. hard to do at first but gets easier with time. Think about it this way ... why should you let someone else's thoughts and actions affect your peace of mind? Bottom line is your husband is married to you because this was meant to be. Her saying anything is not going to change the scenario now. If you ignore her remarks, she will soon stop making them. If you react in any way, she will be encouraged to say even more.

2. I agree with others you should not have ranted at her abt your parents. That puts you in the black even though it was her fault to begin with .. that's the pain of being a DIL. Maybe you can apologize to her .. and do this in front of your husband. This puts you as the bigger person, and you will earn kudos from your husband for doing the right thing even when you were not at fault. But don't do this while your parents are around as she may rave against them for no reason what so ever.

3. Maintain a positive relationship with your husband. Make sure he is on your side. Then even if they take actions against you, they will amount to nothing if your husband is on your side. Soon enough, they will learn to not put you in a negative light, elast they lose their son. I do this by always talking positive abt my inlaws and SIL's in front of my hubby, even though I may rant and rave abt them to my best friend. In the first few years of marriage, I always took care of their needs and my husband appreciated that I did so much for them regardless of the crap they meted out to me. Hence, he stopped believing any nonsense they tried to say against me and pretty soon they shut up.

4. About trying to forgive and forget, that takes time. Right now you have so much on your shoulders and that gives you the right to be upset and non-forgiving. Try to behave as normally as you can in front of inlaws. Dont give them other things to complain abt.
Once the current time period is over, you will feel much better and with time, will forgive. But you have every right to be upset, but unfortunately, as Indian DIL we don't have the right to vent out frustrations in front of inlaws :-(

5. And for the record, it's never EVER a good idea to have both parents and in-laws in the same house at the same time. That's like inviting trouble into the house! I keep mine as far away from each other as possible since both my mom and MIL tend to shoot their mouths off without thinking of the consequences. I don't want Mahabharat Part II in my house!

Ahh the machivallean politics of being a DIL.

simmi123 · Feb 21, 2008

Thanks gals!
I know it's difficult to let go...but will try
Anyways, it felt great to let out some steam...coz this is one topic u cannnot even share with ur husband, no matter how close u r to him.

But thanks a lot... will try to cope up with the situation and implement those tips!

CarpeDiem · Feb 21, 2008

I agree. Feels so good to vent out and blow steam to ladies who understand the situation...since so many of us have been or are going through the same issues....so blow as much steam as you want....we are here for you !

Good Luck and Best Wishes.....