1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

how to foget those hurtful comments!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ds0612, Jun 24, 2010.

  1. ds0612

    ds0612 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    49
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    i was washing dishes today and suddenly remembered those hurtful comments made by my husband in one of those fights..and i just stopped what i was doing...i am so angry at him for what he said on that day..i know that in anger people say things which they don't mean to say..but why did he say those things in the first place. those words are still ringing in my ear how do i forget those words...its so painful.

    things are back to normal between us ..and there were many happy moments after that fight too..forgive and forget policy works but how do i erase the memory of it?
    anybody going through this? how are you handling it?
     
    Loading...

  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Friends : Is some misunderstanding and hurtful talking,you can stop the freindship.

    Neighbours : yeah we can do that.

    Parents: We do patch up and not much ego involved there.

    Husband :Yeah it's hard but we can't stop the relation and that too we need to live in same house.So bettter to put EGO aside and if he repeats again and again and it's a serious thing.Once in a while with no control on tongue and in stress something spills then it should be ok.
    Not like sitting relaxed and using angry words on you.Something like some TV broken by kids and something done badly and if husband uses angry words then we need to put our EGO aside and let it go.
    But you can express your sadness on that and leave it.
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Very good post, just yesterday I had the same experience and I got very agitated , angry and upset as to why and how can someone say what one says in anger. There is times when I too get those feeling, emotions, I stop and keep thinking. The memory is very hard to erase even though there may be happy moments.. Forgive and forget is not easy it depends on person to person and intensity of problems

    Also when one says thing in anger, one may not want to mean it but one definitely wants to say it, whether one means or not is not imporant, because otherwise no one will want to say those words in calm manner and say I mean it..

     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2010
  4. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly what I feel too. When angry I yell and DH yells. Both say hurtful things. Although we resolve the fight the words still linger. I am not able to forget too. I move mentally and emotionally away from DH to a point where he is just a stranger in the house.

    But now after some yoga and meditation and reading self help books, I always try to remember the few nice things DH has said/done for me and focus on that when I think of the harsh words. Or I cook his favorite dish or rent his favorite movie and take the first step forward and he follows suit.
     
  5. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    348
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    After saying it, he / she says that they didnt mean it :rotfl: But then is it not that something which was there in mind comes out as words without control in anger ? More or less like people who are drunk !

    In anger my DH's mouth becomes like Gutter and yells what not without control... Later says he didnt mean it and Sorry :spin! I feel some day in anger he would Kill some one and say Sorry... :crazy but true. [​IMG]
     
  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Maggi, people who are manipulative will also hurt and say what they want to say, and then twist it and say they did not mean it and all. Verbal abuse is very bad in relationship.

    By the way the picture with gutter as mouth is awesome:rotfl

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2010
  7. pshanti1986

    pshanti1986 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    quote from previos post. Maggi, people who are manipulative will also hurt and say what they want to say, and then twist it and say they did not mean it and all. .MY DH does this to a point, i dont know when to believe him and when not about what he says.

    MY DH speaks little and when he does he speaks in double language - i wouldnt know whether its a praise or criticism or even sarcasm. Sometimes, its maddening and sometimes its fun and we all laugh.

    But his comments are like knife-edged. In the past,Whenever i used to get angry at him, he would give me back a reply about my past mistakes, magnify them and then i would feel sorry and my anger would vanish. Recently, 2 incidents happened to me. one, i forgot to lock the house and the second, i forgot to put handbrake of my car and the car hit the electric pole and the bumper was damaged. He didnot comment on these issues. later when, i told him to pick his towel which he throws on the bed/chair or pick his coffee cup from under everywhere, he says he forgot and looks differently as if to remind me of bigger things i forget whereas his deeds are small. I say forgeting on my part is once in while, when he does throw his towel or coffee cup on a daily basis.

    I think he keeps all the activities, i do or dont, what i said etc in his bank and then takes them out as and when he requires to my annoyance.

    on another occasion, when we had to go to a party in the evening, i came back from work, tidied the house and just sat on the sofa, when he came back from office and commented 'you look so beautiful today - are we going to any party?' I just wanted to pick something and bang on his head, but i grudgingly told him what i did but all he said that Ok, we'll go tommorrow, going one day late to the party is not a big thing'. If i dont tidy the house, my MIL will do it and i feel guilty about making her work and on top of it i may not like her arrangement. at this point, i got angry and continued to sit on the sofa. my MIL interjected and asked me to get ready and ' says we all know DH, he is like that only". I had to give in but had my shout after we came back from the party
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2010
  8. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,614
    Likes Received:
    1,421
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear DS,

    As we all know, rage makes people lose control of their mind. So whatever comes out of one's mouth may not be meaningful all the time.

    If it is one isolated incidence, you have to ignore it, however bad and hurtful it is. It is not possible to erase one's memory. Specially this bad things keep on coming occasionally. Don;t take it by heart, My Dear. Ponder over the good memories and forcefully keep these thoughts aside. U have to do it forcefully and consciously. You can not just keep on brooding over such things as that will affect the relationship.

    One thing, which I always prefer to do is, once for all, talk to ur husband about the situation and his words which hurt you (but without loosing control over your emotion) and express clearly that you were hurt. I am sure, he will realise and will not hesitate to apologise. This will help in easing the situation.

    If such things happen regularly and if this is what is his habit, then only it can be called as verbal abuse, but not a single standalone incidence.
     
  9. pshanti1986

    pshanti1986 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    In my opinion, over several years of marriage, we know what DH means and what he doesnt when he says some words. If we understand and reply to him in a subtle manner when things are calmer, then, i am sure the stress of arguments and angry-outings will be less
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2010
  10. kumudh

    kumudh New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    well said, pshanti. Experience teaches us what is routine & what is not. We need to make them understand & try direct those anger away or using different words.. I remember in our experience... he used to tell bad words everytime (fairly long time I should say) he gets real upset with me.. sure it used to hurt be badly everytime he tells that badword.. but later I thought & realized, only at certain degrees of frustration, he utters those words... so i taught him whenever he is at that degree or real upset time, he can say like "good morning" "good night" just replacing that badword only but he can get to keep the same anger or degree of frustration. To that he tried few times, but ended up laughing whenever he gets real upset. Now a days, I hardly see he is using that bad word.. so one can change or direct peoples behavior differently. Ofcourse, in my case, not only I directed at different direction or words but through experience I used to sense & judge that point of his anger.. that is coming so I will do some stuff not to get to that point or do the "kattipudi" tactic. Whenver one is angry, simply hug them tightly that will release all tensions & put them in normal calm situation at which point of time one can relate/discuss to the root cause of the flareup and important is understanding WHAT causes not WHO causes?
     

Share This Page