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How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common interests

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shadows, Jun 2, 2015.

  1. shadows

    shadows New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Me and my husband dont have many common interests. Something that is/was common between us is that we both were brought up in families which educated us the value of money through hard ways.

    I'm on my materniy leave after my 2nd son's delivery. Now that I'm at home and finding some free I get more time to think and I find not much inspiration between us.

    We dont do any things together, like cook or sit and discuss (not argue) a topic or go out as a family. Even if we want to plan a long weekend he thinks it'll be nice if we find another family along to go together, which shows that there isnt much interest between us.

    We are living abroad, ie away from home country and in here I dont have any/many "best" friends. So puts me in bad moods half the time or may be depressed, resulting in me being lazy, like not finding interest in doing things that I've to do as a mom (taking care of household chores or spending time with children) or as a wife.

    Coming to my question, I'm wondering if this is very normal in arranged marriages ? If so, how do people or women find inspiration in such situation.

    Thank you.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    Op...how is your relationship otherwise.Do you think romance is missing from your life?
    Do you show affection to each other outside the bedroom? Have you tried flirting with him?
    Do you feel shy doing any of this?

    How about starting with giving him a hug just like that......
    Give him 'the look' and move away. Give him a hug and a kiss when he returns.
    Text him'missing you' when he is in the office......try it.

    If this is not your thing....then try doing something together....reading ,gardening....
     
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  3. shadows

    shadows New IL'ite

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    I would say romance is my Dh's best interests than mine.

    Once we are out of the bedroom, we behave like 2 paying guests in a house.

    Like I said, because we dont have many things in common, we argue / fight a lot, almost once every weekday, and more than that on weekends. Though my husband simply forgets what happened 1/2 hr back, he would get ready to do some romance, but I wont be ready and we end up doing nothing together.

    From my opinion, Sex should not happen just for the sake of having sex. Assuming I do the texting and look etc, I'm sure my Dh would get excited. But I'm left with the question what happens the next day, we are going to do the same arguing and not supporting each other.
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    Now that you have a second child too, whether you had an arranged marriage or a love marriage is irrelevant.

    Have you tried picking up self-help books on how to make your marriage better? You both seem to need better communication skills.

    Watch movies together. Have a family night where you both and the kids turn off the TV and other gadgets do stuff together - play in the garden / board game / painting whatever. If you have another family to do stuff with, go on and have fun and talk about it - ask for his opinions about the place and activities you did. Even if his opinions are vastly different from your own, be tactful - "ha ha! I should have guessed you would like it; i really liked It <wink wink>."

    Sex is not the same as romance. you need to feel respected and admired while you respect and admire your husband for his positives... That is what would get the romance flowing, IMO.

    improving communication would help a great deal.
     
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  5. shadows

    shadows New IL'ite

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    We used to watch movies together, fight less until 1 yr after our marriage. He has very strong interest in politics and has some opinions based on his views. He is a kind of person who would spend more than half the day in reading blogs and on fb abt politics.

    He is like one of those freedom fighters, as in internet freedom fighter, to get a corruption free govt. I don't agree with all of his political views or ideas. Looks like he has stopped having real caring for me, instead we are managing to be husband and wife jus for the sake of it.

    Because of his political interests, he has started disliking movies, says they r all corrupting people's minds. Even when I was alone working away from my hometown, I never used to watch movies alone, I used to watch them with my PG mates, I really feel bad of my state now.

    Some days he would suddenly start to be nice, as in talk to me, asking how the day.went, he would do all things that will make me feel cheerful, like talk to kids, play with them, make some jokes etc. All this is his way of bringing romantic mood for me and the next day back to square one where I would be talking what happened that day and though he'll be there standing next to me, his ears Will not be. This will go on until My Dh becomes romantic again. I'll be like 'what ?!'

    After the 1st yr we have started being like this, like how muchever we try we keep fighting on almost all issues.
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    shadows, you are mixing up a few things.
    - Romance is not the same as sex. Going by the stats here, looks like romance is a luxury, and women have to work hard for it.
    - Sex is related to but not dependent on not arguing the next day and always supporting each other.

    Looks like the one thing going is sex life. If you can somehow harness that to improve the relationship overall, it would help. Yes, usually, sex follows naturally in an overall OK relationship, but sometimes cart goes before horse.

    Chances are when you get back to work, life will fall into a comfortable routine, and there will be less time to brood on the inspiration lacking in the marriage. I don't know if such 'less time' is a good thing or bad.

    You might also find some balance and perspective if you have an interest or hobby in which you are as involved as your husband is in politics. Not condoning your husband's behavior, but suggesting ways to mitigate its impact.

    The first step I would suggest is talk about what is currently the common factor - sex. Exact words are hard to suggest, but an observation and acknowledgement from you that in a lukewarm marriage, at least the sex is good, (mingled with some humor like 'we have two kids to prove it' )... will give a starting point for small impromptu discussions spread out over weeks, that give each of you food for thought to ponder on in the times between those impromptus.

    On a related note, this is a post I quote often: http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/168796-dhs-words-i-hate-y.html#post2273949
    Like how each child meets development milestones at its own pace, each marriage reaches those milestones when it is ready. :)
     
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  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    OP how is he with friends ? What kind of families is he most comfortable with? Topics that invariably seem to come up when he is relaxed . May be that would give u a hint
     
  8. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    You sound kind of depressed to me. Maybe you are depending too much on your h for each and everything? Go out for walks and to the park and make some casual friends. They need not be best friends but just seeing a different face other than your h and kids everyday and some adult interaction may help. I think you are expecting too much from your h. That you hold on to things after a fight and remain angry for long after he has dropped the issue is also not good. It sounds like you resent him for something. What is that? What are the fights about mostly?
     
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  9. Poetlatha

    Poetlatha Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    Dear shadows...the previous friends have given you some good pointers. A few reasons for you to be down : 1. After birth blues, change in hormones, and do you have enough help to take care of you and kids. 2. Do a thyroid test, take care of your health, take your prenatel vitamins,continue them for a year.
    3. Maybe once you resume back to work you will be fine. With two kids you will not really have much time in your hands. But since you are down you been worrying about something. And thinking too much. 4. Try to relax your mind in some kind of hobbies. 5. Follow whatever the previous IL friends have suggested. 5. Ask him what he is interested one day do as per his wishes another day your wishes, and another day kids wishes. 6. Make new friends, preferably same age group so you can do things together. Take care all the best.
     
  10. shadows

    shadows New IL'ite

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    Re: How to find inspiration in arranged marriage where there arent many common intere

    Even to select new friends, he has some criteria based on his political views, he believes that they also should be somebody who agrees to his political ideas. We have some friends who dont fall under that category, he does not think very highly of them which I dont like. Out of 4 friend families, only 1 family is according to his criteria, and when all of us get together, the only topic he talks abt is politics and it creates a serious mood whenever he starts talking abt politics. I sometimes feel awkward, I wont be able to support him myself and I cant show before them that I'm not supporting my own husband.
     

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