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how to face arrogant MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by aakaanksha, Jan 30, 2008.

  1. aakaanksha

    aakaanksha New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    wishes to everyone.I m very impressed by seeing the discussion forums in IL .right now i m facing a very tough time with my MIL.This my problem.Ours is arranged marriage.we got married 3 years back and i have a 11 month old daugther.I m a working women.I m facing my problems with my MIL from the begining.without no fault of me she shouts at me .for each and every thing i do she keeps on commenting me that i did a wrong thing in a very abusing language.My husband SIL tried to change her lot by convincing her in many ways but no use so they also lifted their hands up.if my husband does wrong thing she abuses me and gives lecture for 1 hour.I m very sensitive kind and i never said any word to her all these days.but i will very depressed and keeps on thinking why its happening to me like this even though i m not doing any wrong things.I ;lost hope in life itself.How long i need to bare all these abuses.
    Now my husband went to US 1 month back and my kid is with my mother.after my husband went to US she didnt call me or went to see my kid,this weekend i m going see my daughter,I m thinking whether to go my inlaws place or not ...if i go she will start abusing me....if i didnt go she will create a big scene...
    pls suggest me how to do to have mental peace...totally confusesd with my mils actions...not able to concentrate on work also....whether to put a stop without seeing her or any other way...Plssss suggest me
     
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  2. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Aakaansha,

    Tough situation indeed. But the HUGE positive factor I notice in your situation is that your husband knows that you are being meted out unreasonable treatment by his mom and he even tried to correct her! Hurray! That’s a huge win right there.

    First about your visit to mil’s place, my opinion is that you should visit your mil. You visiting or not visiting your mil is not going to change her abusive nature towards you. To change that you need to do something else. Read on for my suggestions for that “something else”. Secondly, these are life-long relationships that cannot be broken. So don’t strain them to a point where you live every day of your life with them bitterly. It is unhealthy not just for you but also for your husband and your kid to live in a bitter environment for the rest of your lives. So go visit your mil, but start doing the following things to improve the bad treatment you are given by her.

    Now to reduce the abuse from mil, you need to do only one thing - stand up for yourself. If you are suffering, YOU have to do something about it. Just as it is part of your responsibility to protect your husband’s dignity and respect, the respect of your family, respecting elders in the house, so is it your responsibility to protect your own respect and dignity.

    Where you are completely going wrong is keeping quite and taking all the unreasonable treatment from your mil. Your mil has found a perfect punching bag in you. Stop being her punching bag by speaking up when she is unreasonable. Start answering her back nicely and calmly and state your point clearly. If she is too angry at that time, just go to another room or tend to your daughter. Find a reason to leave that room. Then when she has calmed down speak your mind to her. You don’t have to fight, argue or shout. Just plainly state your points whenever she starts off on an unreasonable tangent. And most importantly follow up your talk by actions. Sometimes don;t even talk, just act upon what you think because remember actions speak louder than words.

    Your mil abuses you because you take the abuse. It is a two way street. You have yourself to blame for this too. You have the choice to refuse to take the abuse from her. I have written this in another post too, but since it is very relevant here I will quote it again –in any abusive relationship the abuser and the person being abused reach an equilibrium where the abuser keeps abusing knowing that the other person will take it and the person being abused keeps tolerating it thinking there is no other way out. You have got to break this equilibrium by standing up for yourself.

    Aakaansha, I can tell you confidently that any bad situation can be resolved or brought down to bearable levels if we act upon it with a calm but firm disposition. If you let the situation fester, it will get worse.

    Just be strong and fight your own battle.

    Good luck.
    SS
     
  3. Nivedi

    Nivedi New IL'ite

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    Hi Aakanksha,

    Stop being quiet. Take charge. Knowing that you are sensitive and are being hurt by her abusive behaviour, she must be getting more pleasure in displaying more of abuse. Show her that you will not take her abuse anymore. If she screams at you, leave the room. Allow her to scream to the walls. Start developing the habit of not putting up with her nonsense. Be bold, dear.
     
  4. mslakshmi

    mslakshmi Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Aakaanksha

    Its v v sad to hear about yr MIL. Oops!


    As per yr msg, I understand that, at the moment y rhubby is in US, yr kid is with yr parents and u r in yr workplace (alone). Is it correct?

    If so, one way it is good, u got time to breath freely w/out yr mil.

    Since u r going to see yr baby n parents, better u go to see yr MIL also. (here if you go or don't go, she wil create a problem, I understand). U go there, see her, if she is OK, stay as u wish, otherwise, if she still start abusing, just inform her that u hv work to be completed/no leave or some other reason and come back to yr work place.

    I am telling u that time wil definitely change her. But I know, till that time u hv mental torture. Since u r working, most of the time u wil spend in the office with friends. One way that is good. When u r home, speak to MOM and talk about yr baby n her activities, and parents health etc. and with those sweet momories, go to bed and relax.

    M S Lakshmi
     

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