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How To Deal With This Situation ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mangaii, Apr 7, 2021.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Mangaii, I hope you are able to visit India soon and get back your jewelry intact and without too much drama. The other money - you can only hope that with time the hurt of that betrayal will lessen.
    When the arrangement suggested by MIL didn't work in her lifetime, there was not much point in further unenforceable arrangements after MIL's death, like your SIL will rebuild and you guys will use it when you visit.

    To have a sibling in India who takes very good care of one's parent till the end is something that cannot be measured with money and property. That is a peace of mind that no amount of money can buy.

    I have been cheated out of more than I care to remember by my sibling with the connivance of parent(s) who presumably meant well and just wanted to take take take from the NRI child and give give give to the not-NRI child -- the fair thing in their view. That wrong is in its place. But, that is separate from the fact that I only sent money for parents' care. It was the sibling who took very good care of our parents till the end. Like you, I don't know where we draw boundaries for someone's good deeds. All I can say is, taking care of parents is very tough, very very tough.

    Time is the greatest healer. With time, all the money looted from you for a/c installation, bore well repair, bathroom remodel, etc etc will matter less. You will become philosophical about it.
     
  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana i agree with you that is why I never spoke against this flow of money.

    If we had money I won’t have any problem but when we are going through financial hardship I don’t know how do you protect your money without feeling guilty .
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Amazing recollection of the past... :astonished:
    If the OP is looking for an official biographer, the search is over.
    Many other NRI's can read this, and feel that they had seen this movie before in their own lives.
    Topic for a new thread: Are girl-NRI's more easily taken for a ride than boys ? So many stories of maids, nurses, domestic workers in middle eastern countries sending money home to someone to safeguard, come back and find out that their struggles had amounted to zilch for their futures.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2021
    mangaii likes this.
  4. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    I can only relate this information to the picture below, the goat has to be fed and kept alive till the right time

    [​IMG]
     
    mangaii and chanchitra like this.
  5. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @mangaii ,

    not great at relationship advise. From what you have said so far, you have had a good relationship with SIL and I assume you want to maintain the relationship going forward. Keeping that in mind, I think you should be straight forward in asking about jewelry and keeping with you. Being straight forward can simply be that - straight forward, simle and polite. Continue doing all the things you do with her - shopping, buying gifts, eating out but perhaps you need not stay in her house. I do not know your family dynamics/circumstances but once I lost my immediate family (parents/in laws) in India, I have not hesitated to stay in an air b & b from the start stating that it gives me the liberty to come and go to India as many times as I want and stay as I want. I make it a point to visit all the relatives. Despite the initial resistence, over the years family has learnt that this is the best thing for everyone.

    Show your SIL that she is indeed important to you, that you enjoy her company, want to be in her life and want her in your life but set bundaries that can make it comfortable for you and her. Things happen and despite the way you feel now, you should not come to regret if what you do now worsens it further. I only say that because I assume you do care about this relationship.

    As for money, you can mention to your newphew directly when you see him that he can repay as soon as he gets a chance. Perhaps, eventually you may have to write it off. Hopefully, your tone and attitude will dissaude him in the future yet maintain a healthy relationship.

    A friend of mine had once told me that relatives are like nails - you keep trimming but they keep growing, but trim we must!

    We have all missed going home and it is not right that you have to go with all these feelings and the crazy things they have done. See how you can make the trip best for yourself and others.

    PS: I have skipped reading all the suggestions in between. So please excuse if I have repeated.
     
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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is what I’m unable to come to conclusion . In the morning I feel about our good times and think I need to try and give another chance but by evening I see a different perspective of how she has played it out to her advantage always . Again I don’t know which version is true . I always did what she wanted me to do and never went against her words . So this is the first time I’m questioning her intentions which is making her angry . I think I’m unable to let go this relationship but at the same time angry that she didn’t treat our relationship respectfully. I doubt if this relationship was built on money or love .
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  7. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Whether the relationship was built on money or love at this point doesn't matter and I also believe all the more reason for you to set the tone for how you want this relationship to go, going forward.
    It is a good thing that you feel anger as well as recall good things. That means this is something that mattered to you certainly. You are clear. I do urge you to consider the postive times you have had with her, try to overlook this, understand that she may also have undergone changes but set a tone. She needs to rise upto what you expect also. If she doesn't you will know that it was built on money and you will walk away feeling better for having set an expectation from now on and if she does, then you know you have gained a friend for life. That is how I see @mangaii . Hope you find the genuine feelings intact between the two of you. Best wishes and hugs to you.
     
    SunPa likes this.
  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Nicely expressed dilemma.
    whenever we call, the question "what time is it over there?" get asked by one side or the other. Your morning is their evening, and vice versa: the thinking and communications would naturally be contra to one another. Best to avoid all this mulling over, until you get there in person.... and both people have morning thoughts.

    Till then it is best to chill, and adapt strategies (like meditation or chants) to drive out thoughts on the history.

    here is a chant, a western Bhajan, a music video from Soul Train follows....
    An old 70's song in America has the following lyrics:

    For the Love of Money
    by ....The O'Jays
    Money money money money, money [Repeat: x 6]
    Some people got to have it
    Some people really need it
    Listen to me why'all, do things, do things, do bad things with it
    You want to do things, do things, do things, good things with it
    Talk about cash money, money
    Talk about cash money- dollar bills, why'all
    For the love of money
    People will steal from their mother
    For the love of money
    People will rob their own brother
    For the love of money
    People can't even walk the street
    Because they never know who in the world they're gonna beat
    For that lean, mean, mean green
    Almighty dollar, money
    For the love of money
    People will lie, Lord, they will cheat
    For the love of money
    People don't care who they hurt or beat
    For the love of money.....

     
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  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    All I can say here, the moment OP questioned about her money all the Melo drama of emotional voice messaged dropped in from her SIL.
    My point here is straight. If they want to use her money, they should have informed before taking it. Its not a small amount that can be ignored.
    Frankly speaking I dont think the money will come back.
    @mangai I guess you should concentrate on getting your jewels back.
     
    Needtobestrong and mangaii like this.
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @mangaii - When a person who has lived for over a decade in a foreign country talk about financial hardships, people in India really don’t get it. They think the sharing of a few dollars that amount to a lot of rupees shouldn’t be a big inconvenience. A lot also has to do with how some of us overdo things.

    I would say, rid yourself of the guilt of not sharing money. It’s hard to do especially when accompanied with drama but it’s ok. Just do only what you want to without going overboard or guilt tripped into it.

    I hope you are able to go to India and figure out the gold situation.

    Relationships are a two way street. If your SIL took offense to you asking about the money, you can do nothing about it. You are in the right here. If she wants a relationship with you guys she needs to start responding to calls/texts. She needs to leave her son out of the equation and talk to her brother and hear his side of this. Maybe the son told her he was told to take whatever money he wanted. She gets to decide if the money is worth her relationship with her brother.
    Such betrayals from people you trust hurt a lot. You are probably going through those emotions right now. It’s very hard to have things go back to where they were. You will always be wary of how much you divulge or do. I decided whatever happened was in a way good. I understood the manipulative nature even of long past events and learned some valuable lessons. I never have things in India that I cannot personally control. I only leave that which I’m ok forgoing. I never discuss any property/finances etc anymore. I don’t discuss what I do in America either. I still hear some comparisons to the old me. I also hear about how I’m living luxuriously while others are struggling. It still annoys me from time to time. But the surge of emotions have stopped. Other important things in life has taken precedence. I’ve also stopped feeling guilty about my lifestyle or things I have. We work hard for what we have. If someone else isn’t, it’s not my fault. I do what I can only for parents and move on.

    Maybe, this will be the much needed jolt that will push you into making some financial decisions and changes. Hang in there Mangaii. Things will get better over time.
     
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