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How To Deal With This Situation ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mangaii, Apr 7, 2021 at 4:49 AM.

  1. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    The point here is not about husband got emotionally trapped in giving away the money to his sister n nephew.

    The whole point is he breaching his wife's trust. After marriage, even if one wants to help his or her family members with their own hard earned money its totally fine. They can choose to inform or consult with their partners before giving the money or not as per the couple's understanding.

    But here, the problem is the husband chose to change the pin of the atm card belonging to "joint account" (not his own personal account) where "wife" deposited "her hard earned money" trusting her husband and it was meant for the use of their travel expenses.

    The bigger problem is he choosing not to even inform his wife about him changing the atm pin and handing over the card n pin to his sister and nephew when clearly it is a "joint" account and it was his wife's money not his own earned money in it!.

    Just my opinion. But this is total breach of wife's trust on her husband. He can do whatever he wants to with his money from his personal account but when it is a joint account with his wife's name in it, he has to consult his wife before doing the changes or giving access to his extended family members.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  2. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Silver IL'ite

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    Nice opinions shared by everyone.

    My quick 2 cents on this OP,
    Your sister-in-law doesn't seem to be an evil person from what you have described ( leaving out the nephew out of the equation here as you haven't mentioned about him enough and it will muddy the waters if we bring him in ). She seems to be quiet honest and integral.

    I feel there is no danger to your jewels. In fact, if you approach this right, you will not only get back the 3 lakhs you are worried about, you will also keep your wonderful relationship with your sis-in-law ( which is worth a lot and should be saved when the other person is worth it ).

    You have shared how you felt emotionaly about the whole situation. Try to look at things from the third person ( say from your sis-in-law's perspective ) about what you are going through. Also, try to look at your sis-in-law's emotions when she looks at this situation she is in ( from her perspective ), the history she has built with you.

    Maybe there is a win-win in this situation. Try approaching that way.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  3. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    It is not your SIL's fault as much as it is your husband's. Clearly he has encouraged his nephew to help himself freely with the money, and that's what the nephew has done.And now you are questioning them so they are upset. Because you and your husband should be one team built on mutual trust, but he has changed the pin without informing you, and clearly given them encouragement to take the money as they wish. So problem s with your husband breaking your trust.If he wants to help his nephew monetarily he should have explained to you the situation instead of going behind your back.

    So you have to sort it out with your husband. Do not spoil relations with SIL and whole family. Deal calmly and keep the jewels with yourself, or it will lead to unnecessary animosity and insecurity. Maybe get it for your next big function , without hurting anyone.

    And one more thing, between husband-wife there is no my money-his money- whatever money is there it is both of yours. I mean husband wife share a household, kids, a life- and doing separation on money makes no sense. Even if the spouse is a homemaker, still we should discuss with them before big expenses, and never make the other person feel he/she has no right to interfere. After marriage, husband -wife are one. You both should discuss as a team about all your expenses and that is the way forward. It is not easy, but that is how it should be - going forward.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  4. Sandhya13

    Sandhya13 Gold IL'ite

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    @mangaii after reading this post, I really doubt what your husband said to your nephew when he handed over the ATM card. Did he really tell your nephew to use the money as needed since he is close to him? Or did he tell them to keep it safe and that he will collect it later? If it is the former then there is no shock that nephew used it all. And it makes sense that your SIL got offended when you asked for that money because they probably considered it as free money/gift. Please check this with your husband first. Now that he knew you are very angry, he probably is hiding the details from you and just telling you to let go. Before you take it further with your SIL which may spill the already strained relations between you, you may want to get the full picture from your husband.
     
    Rihana, mangaii and Swetha52003 like this.
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This isn’t the case since we both have very clear understanding of money . My DH reason was the card gets inactive if we don’t use once in a while . I know he wouldn’t have done this if he knew the money will go away .
     
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I want to give some more background . My sil lived in DH house rent free for several years . The arrangement was she would pay 50% of current rent and buy some jewels for my daughter once in a year . This arrangement was suggested by my mil . Only one time she bought jewels ( first time since I went to store with her ) after that (10 years) no rent till they needed to vacate last year due to construction work . She has this house document also .

    She took care of my mil and my husband sent monthly expense and travelled once in 4 months to India . this money sending continued after my mil passed away with several excuses like water leaking , grinder repair , bore not working the list continues . I thought everything was genuine request but now I see they were just excuse to get more cash . My sil also asked if she can have the ancestor home . Dh signed it after mil passed away with a condition that she will rebuild so we can use when we visit . She never did it and asked us money for construction . When this issue came to me I said no since it didn’t make any sense . My DH couldn’t draw boundaries since she took very good care of my mil . But somewhere we should end it . I was slowly getting uncomfortable with her constant need for money for quite sometime and I became verbal but again I couldn’t take any stand .


    The money also I never asked her son harshly just in a general way . She was a government employee . Now she is retired . She has enough property to take care of her expenses .

    I don’t know if I should feel sorry for me or for my husband . She left a voice message with so much drama how she worked hard to take care of my dh. Yes she fed me when I was in India and she never treated me like third person but I don’t know how many years should I repay her . I don’t know where you draw boundaries for someone’s good deeds .
     
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    My DH would never say such a thing so this issue is more to do with her son than with my DH
     
  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @nuss I really wish you can resolve your issues with your sister . Please address it sooner . I don’t understand this need to use sibling’s money as their own money .
     
  9. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    She always discouraged me and my DH talking to any relatives . Once I wanted to buy land , she didn’t allow me to buy saying some time isn’t good .
    Even if I talk to a relative next time she will fight with them and make sure they won’t come and meet us . I don’t know anyone
     
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    From what I see I don’t think it is going to be easy . She left a voice message ( will not pick up phone not call us) detailing her hard work for us with all crying sound . My hunch is she wants my DH house . It is going to be a uphill battle to get the jewels . She has nothing to lose but we have lot to lose .
    I don’t know how to look at this from my DH perspective but over the years she has discouraged me from investing in land or jewels in India . Although my intuition said something I brushed it off since she took good care of us . She never made her intentions obvious but she will get everything she wants through us .
     

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