How To Deal With This Situation?

coolgal2u · Oct 14, 2016

Hello,

I need your advise and guidance on the following issue: Brace yourself, this post is going to be long

My husband had a best friend(20 yrs of friendship since college). His wife and I used to get a long very well. A few years back, she moved to our city for work and lived at our place and it was at that time I knew we could be good friends.

Back to present day, my husband and I along with my 9 month old kid moved to their city. The reason we moved here was because these friends were living here and we were pretty much alone where we lived earlier. DH's friend helped float his resume and helped him get a job in the same company. DH's friend's parents came to visit and we all got along pretty well. We lived in their house for about 1 and half months, which I know is a huge deal. They also included us their friends circle.

Issue1 :

The friends had two children - boy was 8 and girl was 3. They used to play with my kid, but the problem was since my kid was still a baby, they did not know how to play with her. They would run while she was on the floor so much so that she would get hurt, the boy would carry her and play with her, but it was dangerous coz, her bones were still forming. The friends and their parents would not say a word to their kids even though they did something wrong and my kid got hurt. So I and my husband started telling them politely and tried tell them not to do certain things, since our kid might get hurt.

One fine day, just one day before my kids first bday, I was packing return gifts for the party. My kid was playing with the 8yr old and she was about fall from the sofa. I caught her just in time, but somehow the boy got hurt. He started crying and Uncle just started shouting on top of his voice at him not play with my kid. I felt very bad and from then on our problems with the family started. They did not come to the party and everyone noticed it. I was so excited to spend my kid's first bday and it was one of the worst days and extremely depressing.

Now the parents never come to our house. DH's friend and his wife were sort of supportive but I could understand their position. Before they left to India, I invited the to my house for dinner. Uncle flatly refused and was very hurtful. Now I don't talk to him anymore

Issue 2:

DH's friend has a bad habit of bad mouthing people. They used to carpool to office and talk about everything including our marriage. My husband is extremely opinionated and will not bother about surroundings if he has to scold me. He did that multiple times while we were living in their house. During carpools, his friend began telling my DH that we argue a lot and he and his wife do not argue at all. My husband got wild and began coming home and scolding me for not listening to him in public (which I do). One day I got frustrated and told DH's friend's wife about this and she confronted him about this. Since then, they stopped carpooling. The problem did not end there. DH friend began telling everyone in the office not to carpool with my husband. He also stopped calling my husband for tennis and other outings.

Issue 3:

The friends wife is extremely money minded. She would always tell in public that I and my DH have lot of money. (When they needed money, we actually helped them multiple times). One day I got wild and told her in front everyone that just because we helped them does not mean we have money, its just that we have a good heart.

Issue 4:

We all went to a movie one day and my husband went early to get movie tickets for everyone. In the theater, friends wife and her family along with her friends all sat together. But I and my husband kid could not sit together. There was one seat which if one of them moved, we could have all sat together. But they refused and my friends wife and DH exchanged a few words. Later it escalated in such a way that she started saying that they have been adjusting a lot for us etc. AFter this incident, one day I called her as I wanted to end the misunderstandings and hoped everything will be back to normal. When I asked her if she had something in mind and that we can clear it up. She said she did not have anything.

Issue 5:

Slowly the friends started not to include us in activities, and ensured that we knew about it as well. They started playing politics and now I dont even feel like going to get-togethers etc. The other friends in the group used to call me and speak nicely but now they are also not that friendly.

How do I deal with this situation?

MNR · Oct 14, 2016

May be you were straight forward in confronting them, thats why they distanced from you..
Ignore them that is best bet.
Now you can make new set of friends and be careful with them

Itsmeish · Oct 14, 2016

Hey Coolgal2U,

Dont worry... dont try to sort the confusions because it is too many and whatever you attempt now , there are chances that it might go against you...

May be you will feel alone for now... but trust that after few months, things will change and you will get your circle of friends and things will change...

It would be little difficult for your husband as he knows the person for 20 years now ; but time will take care ; they will come around ;

If you are trying to prove your worth ; the longer it will take for them to realise... Remain a cool gal

guesshoo · Oct 14, 2016

Seems to be a major example of the proverb familiarity breeds contempt.

Write them off. You've tried talking and making up. It hasn't worked. So, remain pleasant when you do meet but be a bit cool. You might do well to make new friends.

It's unfortunate but it is what it is.

sunshine1970 · Oct 19, 2016

I could not fathom allowing my DH friends live with us for a month and a half. How come you guys did not get a hotel or temporary rental place. This is where I think things started off. It is so hard today to even co habit with a spouse let alone friends, plus that couples parents from India were staying there too. You should never live with somebody as it ruins relationships. You should just write them off. As you can see you guys got to know each other all to well and it created problems.

sbonigala · Oct 19, 2016

Sometimes this happens when people get too close.
Its always best to leave some space in any relationship so that we have some breathing space.
Its not great to know that it has taken this turn. But we have to take it the way it is.

Grandparents getting offended when their grand kids get hurt or when their grand kids are being disciplined is a usual thing especially when they are visiting them abroad.

The best thing you can do is just be yourself when you meet them next time.
And also try and make new friends and move on.

aamrapali · Oct 19, 2016

I agree with Sunshine1970. Too close, too many obligations, with too few boundaries from both sides creating rift. Keep to your family unit (husband, you and your kid) and keep everyone else at a healthy distance with 0 expectations. Sustainable relationships, whether family, friends, or acquaintances understand respect and boundaries. Those who do not understand encroach on each others life and build unreasonable expectations.

anika987 · Oct 19, 2016

coolgal2u said: ↑

Hello,

I need your advise and guidance on the following issue: Brace yourself, this post is going to be long

My husband had a best friend(20 yrs of friendship since college). His wife and I used to get a long very well. A few years back, she moved to our city for work and lived at our place and it was at that time I knew we could be good friends.

Back to present day, my husband and I along with my 9 month old kid moved to their city. The reason we moved here was because these friends were living here and we were pretty much alone where we lived earlier. DH's friend helped float his resume and helped him get a job in the same company. DH's friend's parents came to visit and we all got along pretty well. We lived in their house for about 1 and half months, which I know is a huge deal. They also included us their friends circle.

Issue1 :

The friends had two children - boy was 8 and girl was 3. They used to play with my kid, but the problem was since my kid was still a baby, they did not know how to play with her. They would run while she was on the floor so much so that she would get hurt, the boy would carry her and play with her, but it was dangerous coz, her bones were still forming. The friends and their parents would not say a word to their kids even though they did something wrong and my kid got hurt. So I and my husband started telling them politely and tried tell them not to do certain things, since our kid might get hurt.

One fine day, just one day before my kids first bday, I was packing return gifts for the party. My kid was playing with the 8yr old and she was about fall from the sofa. I caught her just in time, but somehow the boy got hurt. He started crying and Uncle just started shouting on top of his voice at him not play with my kid. I felt very bad and from then on our problems with the family started. They did not come to the party and everyone noticed it. I was so excited to spend my kid's first bday and it was one of the worst days and extremely depressing.

Now the parents never come to our house. DH's friend and his wife were sort of supportive but I could understand their position. Before they left to India, I invited the to my house for dinner. Uncle flatly refused and was very hurtful. Now I don't talk to him anymore

Issue 2:

DH's friend has a bad habit of bad mouthing people. They used to carpool to office and talk about everything including our marriage. My husband is extremely opinionated and will not bother about surroundings if he has to scold me. He did that multiple times while we were living in their house. During carpools, his friend began telling my DH that we argue a lot and he and his wife do not argue at all. My husband got wild and began coming home and scolding me for not listening to him in public (which I do). One day I got frustrated and told DH's friend's wife about this and she confronted him about this. Since then, they stopped carpooling. The problem did not end there. DH friend began telling everyone in the office not to carpool with my husband. He also stopped calling my husband for tennis and other outings.

Issue 3:

The friends wife is extremely money minded. She would always tell in public that I and my DH have lot of money. (When they needed money, we actually helped them multiple times). One day I got wild and told her in front everyone that just because we helped them does not mean we have money, its just that we have a good heart.

Issue 4:

We all went to a movie one day and my husband went early to get movie tickets for everyone. In the theater, friends wife and her family along with her friends all sat together. But I and my husband kid could not sit together. There was one seat which if one of them moved, we could have all sat together. But they refused and my friends wife and DH exchanged a few words. Later it escalated in such a way that she started saying that they have been adjusting a lot for us etc. AFter this incident, one day I called her as I wanted to end the misunderstandings and hoped everything will be back to normal. When I asked her if she had something in mind and that we can clear it up. She said she did not have anything.

Issue 5:

Slowly the friends started not to include us in activities, and ensured that we knew about it as well. They started playing politics and now I dont even feel like going to get-togethers etc. The other friends in the group used to call me and speak nicely but now they are also not that friendly.

How do I deal with this situation?
Click to expand...

First of all communicate with your husband and ask him to stop scolding ESP in front of other people!!!you need to put an end to that

Secondly,there is no situation here and it is all over.GOOD FOR YOU ACTUALLY!!they r not nice people

By the way is the other guy really is a friend and that too for twenty years???

Honestly good riddance and you deserve better people

Sparkle · Oct 19, 2016

coolgal2u said: ↑

Hello,

I need your advise and guidance on the following issue: Brace yourself, this post is going to be long

My husband had a best friend(20 yrs of friendship since college). His wife and I used to get a long very well. A few years back, she moved to our city for work and lived at our place and it was at that time I knew we could be good friends.

Back to present day, my husband and I along with my 9 month old kid moved to their city. The reason we moved here was because these friends were living here and we were pretty much alone where we lived earlier. DH's friend helped float his resume and helped him get a job in the same company. DH's friend's parents came to visit and we all got along pretty well. We lived in their house for about 1 and half months, which I know is a huge deal. They also included us their friends circle.

Issue1 :

The friends had two children - boy was 8 and girl was 3. They used to play with my kid, but the problem was since my kid was still a baby, they did not know how to play with her. They would run while she was on the floor so much so that she would get hurt, the boy would carry her and play with her, but it was dangerous coz, her bones were still forming. The friends and their parents would not say a word to their kids even though they did something wrong and my kid got hurt. So I and my husband started telling them politely and tried tell them not to do certain things, since our kid might get hurt.

One fine day, just one day before my kids first bday, I was packing return gifts for the party. My kid was playing with the 8yr old and she was about fall from the sofa. I caught her just in time, but somehow the boy got hurt. He started crying and Uncle just started shouting on top of his voice at him not play with my kid. I felt very bad and from then on our problems with the family started. They did not come to the party and everyone noticed it. I was so excited to spend my kid's first bday and it was one of the worst days and extremely depressing.

Now the parents never come to our house. DH's friend and his wife were sort of supportive but I could understand their position. Before they left to India, I invited the to my house for dinner. Uncle flatly refused and was very hurtful. Now I don't talk to him anymore

Issue 2:

DH's friend has a bad habit of bad mouthing people. They used to carpool to office and talk about everything including our marriage. My husband is extremely opinionated and will not bother about surroundings if he has to scold me. He did that multiple times while we were living in their house. During carpools, his friend began telling my DH that we argue a lot and he and his wife do not argue at all. My husband got wild and began coming home and scolding me for not listening to him in public (which I do). One day I got frustrated and told DH's friend's wife about this and she confronted him about this. Since then, they stopped carpooling. The problem did not end there. DH friend began telling everyone in the office not to carpool with my husband. He also stopped calling my husband for tennis and other outings.

Issue 3:

The friends wife is extremely money minded. She would always tell in public that I and my DH have lot of money. (When they needed money, we actually helped them multiple times). One day I got wild and told her in front everyone that just because we helped them does not mean we have money, its just that we have a good heart.

Issue 4:

We all went to a movie one day and my husband went early to get movie tickets for everyone. In the theater, friends wife and her family along with her friends all sat together. But I and my husband kid could not sit together. There was one seat which if one of them moved, we could have all sat together. But they refused and my friends wife and DH exchanged a few words. Later it escalated in such a way that she started saying that they have been adjusting a lot for us etc. AFter this incident, one day I called her as I wanted to end the misunderstandings and hoped everything will be back to normal. When I asked her if she had something in mind and that we can clear it up. She said she did not have anything.

Issue 5:

Slowly the friends started not to include us in activities, and ensured that we knew about it as well. They started playing politics and now I dont even feel like going to get-togethers etc. The other friends in the group used to call me and speak nicely but now they are also not that friendly.

How do I deal with this situation?
Click to expand...

Its possible your husband's friend had the upper hand in their friendship since long ago and is still the same till date. His wife is following his example and is playing the upper hand on you. Your husband should work on his self-respect and give importance to himself first in front of these people. Only then he will treat you with respect. (Whose idea was it to stay at their place for a month and a half?)
Either stay put in the same place and face it. If friends don't call, you can call them. Make an attempt to mend the relationship.
Or call it quits and move to a new place. If its not worth it, don't worry about it.

Whatever you choose, avoid their friendship.
Good luck coolgal!