1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How To Deal With This Situation?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by coolgal2u, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. coolgal2u

    coolgal2u New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello,

    I need your advise and guidance on the following issue: Brace yourself, this post is going to be long :)

    My husband had a best friend(20 yrs of friendship since college). His wife and I used to get a long very well. A few years back, she moved to our city for work and lived at our place and it was at that time I knew we could be good friends.

    Back to present day, my husband and I along with my 9 month old kid moved to their city. The reason we moved here was because these friends were living here and we were pretty much alone where we lived earlier. DH's friend helped float his resume and helped him get a job in the same company. DH's friend's parents came to visit and we all got along pretty well. We lived in their house for about 1 and half months, which I know is a huge deal. They also included us their friends circle.

    Issue1 :

    The friends had two children - boy was 8 and girl was 3. They used to play with my kid, but the problem was since my kid was still a baby, they did not know how to play with her. They would run while she was on the floor so much so that she would get hurt, the boy would carry her and play with her, but it was dangerous coz, her bones were still forming. The friends and their parents would not say a word to their kids even though they did something wrong and my kid got hurt. So I and my husband started telling them politely and tried tell them not to do certain things, since our kid might get hurt.

    One fine day, just one day before my kids first bday, I was packing return gifts for the party. My kid was playing with the 8yr old and she was about fall from the sofa. I caught her just in time, but somehow the boy got hurt. He started crying and Uncle just started shouting on top of his voice at him not play with my kid. I felt very bad and from then on our problems with the family started. They did not come to the party and everyone noticed it. I was so excited to spend my kid's first bday and it was one of the worst days and extremely depressing.

    Now the parents never come to our house. DH's friend and his wife were sort of supportive but I could understand their position. Before they left to India, I invited the to my house for dinner. Uncle flatly refused and was very hurtful. Now I don't talk to him anymore

    Issue 2:

    DH's friend has a bad habit of bad mouthing people. They used to carpool to office and talk about everything including our marriage. My husband is extremely opinionated and will not bother about surroundings if he has to scold me. He did that multiple times while we were living in their house. During carpools, his friend began telling my DH that we argue a lot and he and his wife do not argue at all. My husband got wild and began coming home and scolding me for not listening to him in public (which I do). One day I got frustrated and told DH's friend's wife about this and she confronted him about this. Since then, they stopped carpooling. The problem did not end there. DH friend began telling everyone in the office not to carpool with my husband. He also stopped calling my husband for tennis and other outings.

    Issue 3:

    The friends wife is extremely money minded. She would always tell in public that I and my DH have lot of money. (When they needed money, we actually helped them multiple times). One day I got wild and told her in front everyone that just because we helped them does not mean we have money, its just that we have a good heart.

    Issue 4:

    We all went to a movie one day and my husband went early to get movie tickets for everyone. In the theater, friends wife and her family along with her friends all sat together. But I and my husband kid could not sit together. There was one seat which if one of them moved, we could have all sat together. But they refused and my friends wife and DH exchanged a few words. Later it escalated in such a way that she started saying that they have been adjusting a lot for us etc. AFter this incident, one day I called her as I wanted to end the misunderstandings and hoped everything will be back to normal. When I asked her if she had something in mind and that we can clear it up. She said she did not have anything.

    Issue 5:

    Slowly the friends started not to include us in activities, and ensured that we knew about it as well. They started playing politics and now I dont even feel like going to get-togethers etc. The other friends in the group used to call me and speak nicely but now they are also not that friendly.

    How do I deal with this situation?
     
    Loading...

  2. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    363
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    May be you were straight forward in confronting them, thats why they distanced from you..
    Ignore them that is best bet.
    Now you can make new set of friends and be careful with them
     
    anika987 and coolgal2u like this.
  3. Itsmeish

    Itsmeish New IL'ite

    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey Coolgal2U,

    Dont worry... dont try to sort the confusions because it is too many and whatever you attempt now , there are chances that it might go against you...

    May be you will feel alone for now... but trust that after few months, things will change and you will get your circle of friends and things will change...

    It would be little difficult for your husband as he knows the person for 20 years now ; but time will take care ; they will come around ;

    If you are trying to prove your worth ; the longer it will take for them to realise... Remain a cool gal ;)
     
    coolgal2u and MNR like this.
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,785
    Likes Received:
    7,300
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Seems to be a major example of the proverb familiarity breeds contempt.

    Write them off. You've tried talking and making up. It hasn't worked. So, remain pleasant when you do meet but be a bit cool. You might do well to make new friends.

    It's unfortunate but it is what it is.
     
    Sparkle, Laks09, sbonigala and 2 others like this.
  5. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    767
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    I could not fathom allowing my DH friends live with us for a month and a half. How come you guys did not get a hotel or temporary rental place. This is where I think things started off. It is so hard today to even co habit with a spouse let alone friends, plus that couples parents from India were staying there too. You should never live with somebody as it ruins relationships. You should just write them off. As you can see you guys got to know each other all to well and it created problems.
     
    saps105, Sparkle, Laks09 and 3 others like this.
  6. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    780
    Likes Received:
    1,629
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Sometimes this happens when people get too close.
    Its always best to leave some space in any relationship so that we have some breathing space.
    Its not great to know that it has taken this turn. But we have to take it the way it is.

    Grandparents getting offended when their grand kids get hurt or when their grand kids are being disciplined is a usual thing especially when they are visiting them abroad.

    The best thing you can do is just be yourself when you meet them next time.
    And also try and make new friends and move on.
     
  7. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    517
    Likes Received:
    977
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with Sunshine1970. Too close, too many obligations, with too few boundaries from both sides creating rift. Keep to your family unit (husband, you and your kid) and keep everyone else at a healthy distance with 0 expectations. Sustainable relationships, whether family, friends, or acquaintances understand respect and boundaries. Those who do not understand encroach on each others life and build unreasonable expectations.
     
    anika987 and sbonigala like this.
  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,615
    Likes Received:
    11,067
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all communicate with your husband and ask him to stop scolding ESP in front of other people!!!you need to put an end to that

    Secondly,there is no situation here and it is all over.GOOD FOR YOU ACTUALLY!!they r not nice people

    By the way is the other guy really is a friend and that too for twenty years???

    Honestly good riddance and you deserve better people
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2016
  9. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,006
    Likes Received:
    1,748
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Its possible your husband's friend had the upper hand in their friendship since long ago and is still the same till date. His wife is following his example and is playing the upper hand on you. Your husband should work on his self-respect and give importance to himself first in front of these people. Only then he will treat you with respect. (Whose idea was it to stay at their place for a month and a half?)
    Either stay put in the same place and face it. If friends don't call, you can call them. Make an attempt to mend the relationship.
    Or call it quits and move to a new place. If its not worth it, don't worry about it.

    Whatever you choose, avoid their friendship.
    Good luck coolgal!
     

Share This Page