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How To Deal With Such Situations - Parenting + Other Kids

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, May 31, 2022.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    So both my kids love to play with other kids. Moment anyone in neighborhood they see out, they run outside to play. My little one follows older one and i can not stop him at all.
    Now, most kids play in our yard, we have toys and stuff in yard and they come play for sometime, and go.
    So its like hub on street. I do not mind that and love that. My mother also says its blessing if kids come to your place.
    They have thrown rocks here and there, everywhere in yard ( on grass) ( adds work while lawn mowing), my kitchen dishes/plates i find on yard - they play some stuff, infact once i found back in woods connecting to yard.
    They take water jugs out, decoration stuff out ( flowers), my daughter ..many times..
    My heels, ..then kids come inside our home with all shoes mud.
    Then, they play with water hose for 20-30 mins in my yard, not in any one else.
    Someone ( along with my DD) happily scribbled on our car.
    They want water, 10 extra glasses for me to wash, then my daughter decides she wants to make lemonade for them, she gives then snack packs like yogurts , popsicles... that i bring for school and its all over and infact my son does not get it.
    These things did not bother me, till i started seeing others behavior. There are rules in every house, i understand. We are bit relaxed and my kids do not listen.
    I asked her, are you allowed to do this in other peoples home? - no. One day she and her friend decided to make lemonade stand all of sudden and are after us to arrange, while we are busy moving furniture etc.
    They did bit of themselves, and left everything all there.


    Now, few months ago, neighbor called my older DD for 5 mins Holi in yard. My DS also went. I think my son plucked their planted bulbs. So i recently found out, my son is not allowed by her parents near their home or yard.
    Their kid comes, eats snacks, makes mess in my kitchen, inspite of me saying no ( my daughter here).
    They take stuff outside leave it there.... .
    girl is asking me if she and DD can play in her house
    I asked to play in our yard otherwise my son DS will follow DD, unless they want to stay in their backyard. She said no, he is not allowed in our yard also. Her parents have told her.
    Then inspite of me saying no, both of them went to friends home. I had to distract DS, taking him out somewhere else, rather than doing house work.

    Now, our house is getting renovated and in mess, real mess. We have so much work, like we move stuff from one room to room, so much noise in house. DD and friend comes and again moves toys stuff to cleaned out area and again work for us. We do not say anything to her but now i am getting frustated.

    I will apologize to her parents of course. But how to deal with such cases, where is parents patience. Kids will do all wrong things unless we stop them or tell them not to do. They just say 'no' plucking etc. Ask older kids to stop him from plucking if he ever does. What about he is not allowed.
    I remember growing up, same case, my parents would hardly say anything to other kids and specially my father would love to see kids. Never bothered if some neighbors kids peed on our bed or keyboard... yes, i used to bring neighbors infants home while studying.
    But some of my aunts - can not do this that, this room is banned.

    When other kids comes, they instigate my DD - to do this that, that they are not allowed to do in her home, eat popsicles in winters, my H already short of patience gives in, buys ice cream to all of them.
    Spaying cereals all over.
    For ex - my expensive flowers from vase, taking it out, take outside on driveway playing with it, showering like bride ...
    But when it comes to mess in their home, dealing with more naughtier kid, it not allowed.

    I tell her so many times, but so many rules i tell her and she does not follow any.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Those parents have nipped the bulbs-plucking problem in the bud.

    Your house, your rules; their house, their rules.
     
  3. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sanju,

    Whenever I read your threads, it is like I can feel that chaos at home, the mess created by kids, you running to cleanup in between your full time work, cooking etc.. You are an incredible parent and amazing ! I wouldn’t be having this much patience with my kids.
    From your replies to a thread of Suidhaga , I understand you do a quite bit of stitching and sewing too.. You are doing a lot that too with a lot of passion ! Remember to take a deep breath in between ! I know, this may not be the advice you are looking for but still wanted to type it here.

    Hope the renovation work go smoothly and successfully :)
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Children need a kind and loving but firm hand. Rules will help them both behave better and be happier. You will be happier and keep your sanity too. Too much freedom is neither necessary nor constructive.
    You don’t have to be a drill sergeant, but you need to establish some ground rules.
    If kids are playing out, they stay out. No taking things in and out of the house, no walking in with muddy shoes, no damaging plants and flowers and no writing on cars! At the end of play everyone spends a few minutes putting things back in place.
    Stand outside and supervise for a few times till they get it. Don’t hesitate to gently but firmly say no, we don’t do that. Model the behavior for them and they will get it. Kids are smart. They will get away with as much as you allow them.
    If the age gap between your kids is more than 3 years then the older kids might prefer to play in their own rather than having a little kid tagging along. Let your daughter go sometimes to her friend’s house and try to keep the little one occupied with something else.
     
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  5. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    thanks girls.
    Yes I do lot of things and keep my legs and arms dipped into something always. I can not rest or sit unless i am at someones else's house. In a way, it helps me not get stressed about life, death, depression ( as opposed to many friends of mine, who feel depressed just because its dark or winter).. Running around does not give me time to think how sad life is.
    However, these things do make me mad sometimes as i need to vent out. Now talking to you guys i feel better.
    I understand my DS was wrong at doing things, but someone rejecting my child, to not to be able to come in their yard...also...Come on yaar... where did our patience go?
    People want to live on glass houses, houses like hotel lobby, everything perfect. When my kids takes kitchen utensils outside, same thing i feel, its childhood, they do their little science experiments, waste my soda, borax vinegar..etc.but thats okay.
    Other parents do not allow, I allow that means everyone comes here to break all the rules..come on.
    I know i need to be stricter rather than complaining about neighbors
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you have an outdoor shed? If you do then you can keep bins filled with yard toys and supplies there. If you get covered bins like those sturdy plastic totes they have at Costco then you can even just leave them in your yard or patio.
    I keep all the water table and sandbox toys in these containers, as well as assorted balls, play utensils, bubble wands, etc. It keeps the mess contained and cleanup is easy since everything has a home.
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    You seem to think it's either or. It's not. It's possible to do science experiments and explore and play freely without being banned from people's yards. That's what you need to understand. Your neighbors with the rules are not freaks or raising stunted kids. All kids benefit from structure and from rules. Rules protect them, teach them to respect others and their property and help them learn to balance their emotions.
    Already your son is suffering the consequences of your no-consequence policy. He is being banned from other people's yards. This is not about you. Try to come out of your anger and hurt and think about what this means for your kid. Most parents here are pretty easy going. They must have asked him not to do or tried to talk to him but probably he didn't listen. Probably the other kids told the parents that this is how it is at his house. That he doesn't know any better. Banning is a pretty drastic step. It means they feel unable to deal with him and took this drastic measure. This is not good for your son. If this continues he will develop a reputation for being a wild, uncontrollable kid and more kids will shun him. What will you do then?
    Ignoring the problem will not make it go away. Some things, like rules, what to do, what not to do can only be taught when kids are young and malleable. If you miss that window, they become habituated to the wrong ways and develop a reputation for being a wild one, uncontrollable etc. Then even if you want to teach them they won't listen.
    You have to establish basic ground rules and enforce them. Consistency is important. Come out of your ego-feeling that you are great for having no rules at your house and yard/you are a heroine for doing all the extra work and cleaning up the messes that your no-rule policy entails. Bluntly speaking you are not. And what is worse is that you yourself are harming your children's chances at socialization and having a normal life by not having rules at your house. As you can see, they are developing a reputation in the neighborhood.
    So basically you don't want to enforce any rules but expect that all the kids should know (automatically, by themselves) what they can and cannot do at your house without your telling them? How? Through telepathy? Or mind voice? There is a fundamental illogic here.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2022
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  8. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    Kids need structure and discipline. My kids do science experiments and all...we keep soda, vinegar, chalk, mentos, etc. in the garage. But, they won't do these experiments without an adult being present. They understand that it could hurt someone and needs to be done under supervision.

    Our next-door neighbors have two little girls (the same age as my DD and a younger sibling). They like coming to our house and playing with my DD's dollhouse but they know to put things away after playing. My kids have never been to their house, I have no problem with that. Part of the reason is that they have dogs and my kids are terrified of their loud dog so they'd better play with the girls at our house.

    I would also not offer snacks without asking the parents. I'd first ask the parents if that's okay. If we don't allow kids ice cream before dinner, I'd like to have that rule respected.

    I would suggest keeping yard toys in the yard and making the rule (and sticking to it) that nothing from inside the house will go in the yard without mom/dad's permission.
     
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  9. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    OP, there is nothing wrong with others parenting or rules. There is seriously lack of discipline in your parenting.
    Also what is this Ds tagging along with your elder DD all the time?. Siblings playing together is fun and good but they should have their individual peer age group friends too, unless the age gap is less than a year or two between both.
    Kids making a mess in your yard is no cool. You are not a great parent by allowing it to happen. Rules whether liked or not are there for a reason. To reinforce discipline and make kids learn the value of taking care of things and to know how to behave when at somebody's place.
    As said by one member, kids ahould be taught these at tender age ideally before they turn 5yrs old which lays the foundation for their personality development. It's difficult to train older kids if you miss to train them younger.
    Nevertheless, even now you can try to make a fresh start bt it will take a longer time to establish the discipline now.
    Letting kids mess up/break things/be careless and not say anything is not "patience". Putting efforts to instill discipline and make them understand how to value things is real "patience".
     

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