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How To Deal With Resentment Of Family Expenses In India

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Benadryl, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Take one step at a time. Send the lesser amount this time without any advance notice. Don't pick up any calls after which is bound to come with abuse . Not worth it. Next stop reduce calls from there to you and you to them. Start taking care of your health. Your family deserves you at best. Go to the mall , movie or a drive and relax yourself. Don't encourage your brothers by sending the required amount. You are a good son and brother. Only they are undeserving and entitled.You are torn and in crossroads with what to do next. Its normal reaction. See a movie or go for a drive with family. Clear your head. Whatever you do don't think of being near family. Then you will come into more drain emotionally , financially and physically. Not worth it. Good Luck.
     
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  2. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Benadryl Do you want to find a way to deal with your resentment? Or do you want to find a way to stop the monthly flow of cash to your FOO? These are two different things.
     
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  3. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    This is something I have deeply contemplated about. There is no way to stop the monthly flow of cash - this is a given. I need to support family and not resent it. When I started this thread, I was hoping someone will propose exercises like writing on a piece of paper why I feel the resentment and burn it - or something along those lines. Obviously, even I, as a sufferer cannot put my finger on why I feel the resentment. So no help from outside is going to be effective. The resentment may be its because I had hoped all siblings will equally take care of parents/expenses but for the last gazillion years I am the only one paying for everything. May be it was because I would have hoped the parents loved and cared for each of their kids equally. May be something else, I dont know.

    I cannot make someone love me so I've decided to hit the brakes with the money. Even more so looking at above replies, I have started to realise that 50- 60k INR should be more than sufficient. As of now I have told family and siblings point blank, after this month, the siblings have to get their act together and since the mother cannot reduce expenses nor be accountable, then 30k per sibling seems to be a fair share. From the further month on wards, I will only contribute 20k and the siblings should strive to come up with 35k at least - or mother can reduce expenses. As expected, this has shaken things and the siblings have quit from the group chat etc.
     
  4. uma321

    uma321 Platinum IL'ite

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    Way to go! Stick to your words no matter what. Expect the unexpected. It's like sleeping training a kid. First day, it's extremely hard and painful for both parents and the kid. From there, every single day, slowly things get better. But if parents let loose one day in the middle, then we need to start from day 1. The kid would probably not take us seriously. Same applies here.

    Never go back to 90K. Stick to your number.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Good!
    Do not go back on your words and be taken in by emotional blackmail..your siblings have shown their true colours and reacted in the expected way by avoiding any communications with you..this shows they need u for money and don't have true affection for u.
    Start living ur life comfortably and pamper ur wife n kids , they deserve it..
    Many many years down the lane you would not want your wife n kids to create a thread " my father / husband sent all his money to his family of origin and now we are bankrupt".
    Seriously.
    I know few cases in my family circle where husband and wife sacrificed their comforts and sent majority of their earnings to husband's family..and while the siblings became prosperous they themselves were left with no savings to provide for their kids or even for a decent retirement plan..
     
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  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Way to go benadryl!! stick to your words and dont bend at all. If you think 20K is a reasonable sum from your side (which i think it is), stick to this number. Let the hell break lose. Its time you "live" your life.
     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    attaboy ! Benadryl you managed to induce cough in the siblings ! Now take that Rs 70,000 and invest in your life!
     
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  8. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    Firstly, you need to calculate how much you can actually can afford to give them without hampering your family's financial situation. Calculate what you can give them after below expenses:
    1. Husband/Wife/household expenses
    2. Kids expenses
    3. Emergency and retirement fund

    Secondly, Once you have the numbers ready, start reducing the amount you send slowly by giving logical (may be made-up) reasons about your growing expenses (like extra classes/tutions/nanny/house help/medical etc). So that they cannot point fingers and understand that you actually cannot send more money. (so you cannot disclose your Emergency and retirement fund planning)

    They will slowly understand that you have other priorities also. Parents sometime play around emotionally and since the other 2 siblings are located closer to them, they might be biased also. So, you also need to handle this tactically so that the relationship is not hampered badly.
     
  9. RealisticMe

    RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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    This makes complete sense. They need to understand that parents are equal responsibility for each kid. And its great you took the first step. Sometimes, we need to do the right thing and stand for ourselves. This may cause some friction but you will have much more peace in mind and life.
     
  10. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your replies.

    I think a part of the resentment bubbles up repeatedly because I can see people younger and less paid than me make currency/share/real estate investments and I can only keep shaking in the shackles that chain me to my current state - for no personal fault of mine. I want to setup myself by paying off one or two houses outside India while I can still work and by time of retirement live on the rent and when I die it goes to the children who can do what they like to with the houses. They probably will never realise what went into it (including this thread :)) , but, I will be at peace knowing I have done what I could. Obviously, with the current state of things this is never going to be a reality.

    Dad has started sending senti whatsapp videos. One was with shayari where it praises a son for raising a dog but finds it difficult to take care of mother (Woh kutta paal sakta hai, magar maa bojh lagti hai usey kutte ne kya kuchh bhi wafadaari na sikhlaayi ? ) . I can only hope the resentment my family now probably feels will only fade away in time and we will be able to spend happy times as a family. I need to keep an eye out for a thread here which could say "Resentment as super rich NRI bro/son not supporting family" :p

    Gearing up for some tough times.
     

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