How To Deal With Resentment Of Family Expenses In India

@Benadryl the thing about abusers being stronger is because of the enablers in your foo it is you.

my husband always says i have no say in selecting my parents,siblings, i deal with the cards i get.

you cannot make them acknowledge your sacrifices, or feel good about how good a son you are. if you are not well, they dont call with empathy not even a percent of enthusiasm and anger that would be infused into an very possible international call once you defer in your sending money. i am sure you know all this. the 16 yr old boy wants and craves for some of the love and attention and acknowledgement he believes he is entitiled to. the resentments stems from there. so what can you do?? nothing.. because it is not going to happen. you will not be lauded for your sacrifices. you are just a golden egg laykng goose, the day the eggs evaporate the goose has no value. sometimes these kind of statements question your belief in the system and makes you hate them, and then ypur beief and upbringing makes you think it js a sin to think or desert them. it is a emotionally wringer circle.
only you have the choice. you can slowly wean off or have surgical snip.

remember you dad is used to this and he has been enabled by your mother and he has had a easy way out, and he has been lucky. your sisters beieve bhai ke kamai unka haq hai. it will not stop at marriage(heaven forbid if they are having dreams of lavish weddings as is common with many).

you have a lovely family and i am sure your wife and kids love you a lot and you would go to any extent to see that they dont face what you had to..

wake up before your kids or wife start feeing the effects of this and i definitely hope i dont see a query if there is somethig stronger than benadryl.. i know you hnderstand.

but remember there is a saying even if you were to pour salt into the water, you need to measure because there is no end to how much of it dissolves.

be firm, be clear. buy a 1 bhk amd tell them this is all i can afford and knock off the 20k rent into a emi. as long as you are calm and accept what they say even a villa with swimming pool will be constricting and suffocating.

 

and yes the very dad would say hai x is breaking his back to support his family while he will be blind to the hurts and broken heart broken back of his own son. some of them are wired that way. so empathy to own son— what does that mean.. it is a gone cause and at 60+ you cannot change them only indulge them if you can or let them
handle it with your 0 presence. if his stopping talking to you hurts you remember he is a greater manipulator and your mother also has learned from the expert and ao have the siblings by osmosis.

all the best ..

 

Dear Op,

Even though I am born and brought up in Mumbai our monthly expenses (4 fully grown up adults) don't go beyond 10 - 15 K (excluding medical & rent)

Home loan or Rent - 5 K to 10 K
House Hold expenses give only 10 K - 12 K.

Be firm your responsibility falls only up to your parents not beyond that.

1. You purchase a 1 BHK flat (exclusively in your and your wife name & kids as nominee) you can ask your parents & siblings to stay over there (don't hand over any property documents to them). The house will be an asset or investment which will be of your use in long run.

2. Approach Bank or Post office or LIC and open an MIS, where in you can invest some lump sum amount (in your and your wife name make your kids as nominee) transfer the monthly interest in your parents bank account for their monthly expenses, if they spend beyond it is their call you are no where concerned.

3. Medical - Opt for some family insurance schemes (they are economical and will easily fit your pockets)

Before implementing point no 4 please keep your wife and kids out of this.

4. If your siblings threaten to become "Prostitutes" please tell them they are adults (18 +) its their life you are no where concerned and immediately throw them out of the house, if your parents intervene tell them even they are free to join your siblings (ensure they spend their night in road).

Just in case if your parents and siblings approach police or relatives be prepared:

1. You can't afford a pent house and have purchased a small flat where they can stay.

2. Show them bank statements which shows 90 K per month you send them but despite of that your siblings are prostitutes so you have thrown them out.

Sounds rude, trust me things will come in track after this. Hats off to you and your wife for bearing so much...

 

True, any wife would have the same resentment and would surely question her husband about finances..the OP really has a good an understanding wife, he shouldn't take her silence and co operation for granted..everyone s patience has a limit.

 

@OP, your problems have not even started, your real problems will start during your sisters' marriage and then continue for rest of life. Wish you all the best!

 

WAKE UP dude!

You are becoming the man you hate. This is the bottom line.
My DH dislikes my father in law for various reasons and from time to time I have to remind him regarding certain things he hates, but does them.

Do you want to be your father when you grow old? Nothing to show for your wife and yourself? You are putting your wife, yourself and children through so much just to be able to provide the luxury of your parents and siblings?
If yes, you are very well on the way.

What you are doing to your immediate family is not fair. you need to find a balance.

If not, listen to me very clearly and give them this deal. My parents live in Hyderabad in a very luxurious 3 bedroom apartment. Its fully paid for but the rents there are 10-15K (let me know if you are interested in the area, i will PM you).
Move them out of downtown. if the sisters are not working and contributing and your parents want a luxurious lifestyle, you just cannot do it anymore.
35-40K is MORE than enough for a very well provided life style in Hyd for 4 adults.

At this rate, soon your wife and children WILL resent you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but a day will come.

Starwars is out. Why dont you take a day off on Monday and take your wife to the movies followed by good lunch? Perhaps you will realise then, how much you are missing. Really, you need to wakeup now before you become your father.

 

OP, If you are planning any strong action, go to a silent mode- reduce frequency and length of calls ( no skype) and just stick with one sentence that this is all you can do and you are helpless. No more explanation. If you want to give an explanation, tell them your work schedule changed and it is difficult to make calls that time. Even if they try to emotionally blackmail you- listen and leave it through the other ear, dont give any importance to it. Make up your mind, gain that strength and start the action. Better try to be deaf till this issue is sorted out and you are in full control of your life and finances.

Do your duty as a good son, but dont allow any one to miss use you. Also protect your wife, may be they start blaming her too. Let your wife also know about your plan or actions. Good luck

 

Op ,Your family is riding on your back comfortably. if your mom says send 90k don't send 90k .Looking at expenses I think you are better off sending 45k and telling you lost your job and you can only send so much.Your wife deserves your care too. Take her out enjoy yourself. Your brother's are shameless to do what they are doing. Send 45k and send this is it and you can afford to send more. Your dad is used to being bailed out and he will do the same. Don't come into emotional blackmail. Good Luck.

 

My grand mother was in a way like you (not this extreme) and is currently regretting her mistakes in her 80s. My dad is still not able to forgive her as he had to sacrifice so much because of her. Don't be that parent. You have a family. They're your primary responsibility.

Like someone said, tell them that you lost your job and you can only spend 30K. 30K is enough for two people. Give them the shock treatment. Else you won't be able to get out of this mess.

Minimize the calls to them. Even if you call them, talk to them only for 10 mins (set a timer)
They're not loving parents and no matter how much you do for them, they won't love you and won't appreciate you

You're enabling their behavior and changes should start from you. You're not a kid. Wake up and stand up for yourself and your own family.

Even after hearing all of our suggestions if you fail to make changes, it means you're destroying your kids' lives.