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How To Deal With My Situation?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. Rajeni

    Rajeni Moderator Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP, You situation is really concerning. Loads of strength to you!

    Please answer @Deborah 's questions. Would help us understand the situation better. Adding to that,

    Were there any major issues or fights in the past? Did his behaviour worsen after that? Or is this how it was from Day 1?
    Does he interact with your side of the family?
    And, do your family here in India know the things you are going through! If they know the magnitude of it, how supportive will they be?
    Any Indians in the neighbourhood? Any friends or acquaintances made so far by you?

    Do you have zero access to finances? Do you atleast have something like emergency fund in the house which you can access if needed? Are you totally dependent on him for every little need of yours? Sorry, that is what your post implies but just wanted to confirm.

    Were you working before marriage in India. If yes, I can understand how difficult it would be to be totally dependent on such a control freak H.
    Actions speak louder than words! He is trying to mask his controlling behaviour as protectiveness towards you and the child.
    He is not talking to you or talks when he need, you dont have access to finances and you cant go out and socialize without him/his Mommy. Whatever name he calls it as, he is emotionally abusing you and I even doubt whether you realize the magnitude of it.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Can you volunteer atleast for part time basis and earn some allowances?
    Can you start small scaled income earning, such as giving tuitions for the desi kids, being part time helper/nanny or even taking care of others kids for pay.
    Just check it out....

    I dont know how the system works there, but I am a positive person. I believe there should be a way if you diligently try for it. Just think about it.

    At this point, all you need is self dependence.
    Use your inlaws as a free childcare system.
    Use yout husbands silence as a plus, so that you can plan your life on your own with minimal interferences of him.

    Earn some money, find some new friends outside of your home.
    Build your social life, slowly get to know the system and the people who can be of help in case you need them.

    This will give you some light. Some strength, and hope about your life.
    This way, you will stop begging for him to break his silence, rather you will ignore him/his reactions.

    The more you the more he will feel insecure and confused.
    He will start to doubt his momma's judgements, and try to think beyond it.

    You continue to focus on your new life, new friends, new events.. so that you can stay busy no matter what.

    When I am busy and focused on something else, I dont notice my MIL's whines or my H's coldness afterwards.
    My ignorance will make him think about it. This help him to see the issue through his own lens.

    Also, not paying attention to nitty gritty things will save you from so much tension at home.

    This way, slowly you can detach yourself from these toxic people, while building yourself.

    Once your papers are ready, you can decide whether to say goodbye or givr him s second chance - obviously with strict conditions.
    Let him chose whether to behave or lose his marriage.
    Take charge of your life.
     
  3. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    @Deborah @Rajeni @SGBV thank you for reaching out to help.. god knows, I need it, to clear my head and move forward!!

    Really? Without his permission, with my child? I feel entrapped, this would mean a lot - some hope of freedom..

    Answering your queries:
    So if visiting, then for how long? 6 months, every year.
    2- how old is your baby? 2+ years
    3- how long have you been in US? 3+ years
    4- when you go to walk or to the park with the baby, is the MIL always in tow ? Yes. In other words, I can't go out alone - the going out has to include her. If she doesn't feel like going out - feels it's too cold, no outing for kid too - what's too cold for her is too cold for kid you see.. :confused: This however could be because of superimposed practical considerations - there are always the never-ending chores, and if at all there is time, MIL wants to be (and husband also wants her to) part of it. Basically MIL is very much involved in everything.
    5- if you don't drive , who takes care of groceries / desi items shopping etc? Husband, when we were by ourselves, and now MIL+H. I used to try making it a trip with me n baby, but H finds it time-consuming/tiring to handle kid while shopping so always tries to do it himself/themselves. We occasionally get to go to non-desi stores..
    6- staying in an apartment or a house? Any desi neighbors ?Apartment, plenty of desi neighbours. No time to mingle (thanks chores) until now. And now, I am clueless how to reach out. And gotta tweak my schedule with baby to make time for it..

    Parent worshipping, that's the right word...I've never been able to find the apt description!

    I have been trying.. Trying to utilise the visit in a postitive way, learn what they want and how and what makes him feel well cared for like his mom makes him feel, trying to build respect for myself while being with them, or have boundaries... building respect, boundaries hasn't been successful, but there is improvement - I am learning to ignore at least outwardly their silent treatments, scoldings hmm. The difficulty lies is accepting being ordered about on every thing, big and small, and being subervient, oooof. But though I've done things for them etc, there is not much improvement of my 'image' (and I suspect nothing short of total obedience and subservience will suffice).
    If I say I have a stomach-ache, there will dietary restrictions and then looked down upon as being 'weak'. And even then I can't lie down...

    Not feeling well--> I'm weak, always unwell etc..

    Can never happen! It does happen occasionally when baby wakes up in between while making breakfast, but then MIL does stuff and wears the martyr cape and 'we are so good to u' halo.. :grazy: Problem I think is me being too bothered with my image here - wanting to not give them anything to one-up me with:BangHead:
    Even when my baby was a newborn and ILs were here to 'help us with the newborn'.. I was never allowed to sleep in even if baby was up all night - I was expected to be up and about and help MIL in the kitchen whenever baby was asleep. All sorts of drama and fights ensued then when I used to doze off unknowingly, in exhaustion.

    What do I say, where do I start?! Everything not done as per his wish was a major issue.
    But your question makes me wonder...hmmmmm let me try to answer this properly separately..

    Not unless forced to - earlier by me (now I dont), or by his parents. Sometimes ignores them even then.

    Yes. They know. They are emotionally supportive, but dont even consider a separation. This is my fate, in their deepest minds. I must try to fight/deal with it, while staying.:smash2:

    Yes. Made some friends too.. my bad luck, they all moved away. Hmm.

    Yes. Ashamed, but true. Initially I had my own savings to fall back on. Now not even that, due to all the new banking changes in India, and having to go back there to make changes. Yet, even then I was totally dependent on him for my needs: I didn't want him to get comfortable with me/my parents spending instead of him. I wanted him to give me cash/card, but he wasn't/isn't willing to (says tell me what you want, I'll get it)..I have zero money - cash, card whatever.

    I know a lot of this is totally unacceptable, if not all. However, it is projected as normal, and I am questioned why I want to go about on my own without my husband, when it is not so safe/too cold/ whatever.. by him and ILs. Why I need cash/card when he will get whatever I need (forget about having to ask, and him deciding whether I need it - and that is right too for the husband to say that I want unnecessary stuff.phew!) Heck, he didn't even get me a US sim initially, I was using my India number and skype and what not initially!!

    However, he does get the 'necessities' - as per his convenience. :facepalm: Am I just saying the same things over and over again?
    What I actually meant to say was that, how do I say all the above is abnormal? I know it is, but don't know how to ...I mean, they dont think it is abnormal, and I am afraid 'the society' back in India too would feel they are 'only traditional/conservative' - nothing majorly wrong in it????!!!
     
  4. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    I couldn't agree with you more.. this is the solution I have considered for myself.. I need to get out and work.. and it frustrates me that I am not able to even make that happen.

    When I describe all this, I feel I am just letting him control me.
    What I do not know is how to get things done for myself? When he refuses to get some kind of childcare for baby, leave me out of the house to go for a job/volunteering/whatever (who will take care of baby?! No, I cannot suggest his parents take care).
    Please, I am not complaining here. I am genuinely looking for a solution. If he will not even let me do what I want, how do I make a stand?

    I should refuse to (what?)....
    And not get depressed while they all ignore me totally as if I dont even exist, and just order me around to do things..
    This is all I can think of. Is this it, or should I do something else?
     
  5. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    What visa are you in? Are you eligible to work? Regarding your marriage, you got to leave him. No one can treat you inferior without your permission. You dont deserve this husband and venomous mother in law. Do some research and report him for emotional abuse. Has there been any physical abuses?
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, sorry to say that they all are treating you this way because you are allowing them to treat you that way...(here it's mostly emotional abuse)

    If you cannot stand for you no one else can help you. You can keep on finding explanations to each and everything..but you only can stop someone when they cross your tolerance boundary

    So , please work on your inner strength and confidence. Stand up for yourself and fight one problem at a time... initially it will be tough, because they are not expecting you to behave strong.. they want an obedient servant / wife/dil whatever you can call it.

    So calm down, think well, try to take one step at a time.. if your mind says No say NO.. start from there. Never yes to any one if cannot agree with whatever it is.

    If you go out everyday ( say no to chores, it can wait), get ready at the same time and go out even if your MIL is not coming. Let them baby sit your kid when you go out... don't worry too much... try it for one day.. learn how to deal in sweet and smart way... they are ignoring you so ignore them.. don't give much attention if not serious situation... try it one day and see how it goes...
     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    @MindVoice Couple of resources below to help you cope/ better understand your situation.
    1) Abuse or traditional mindset ?

    30 Signs of Emotional Abuse

    2) if you decide you have had enough while in the US , please seek help

    Meet the NCSO | SAALT
    ( Saheli if you are in the Boston Area)

    3) start applying for jobs in India . Will also give you an idea about what skills the current job market for your field demands


    4) Find a good online course to strengthen your chances of getting a job in India

    Check out coursera or Udemy

    ( the way I see it getting a job in India is your only way out considering you have no parental support to quit the marriage. Even with a EAD the chances of your husband “allowing “ you to work are pretty small )

    5) Meanwhile divert your mind with some hobbies or anything else , keep expectations very low from the H and IL’s , focus on the baby and just try to be happy until you can travel to India .

    As for the emotional well-being of your child if you separate, I am sure your child will eventually sense the unhappiness and frustration that you have being in the marriage . Happy mother=happy child .

    I hope atleast some of the suggestions here and from others will help. Please take care!
     
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  8. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    @MindVoice - I am really sorry for what you are going through .
    If you want to get out of this marriage and leave the country with your kid ,
    1)pretend or put up a show that everything is fine and you are happy here
    2)do what @Sandycandy said- start looking for jobs in India . Coz you won't get much support from your parents in case you file for divorce . You need to be on your feet.
    3) lastly, plan a visit under some pretext - marriage in family/ parents not well ( this better be a bit genuine ) / extremely homesick .Say just for a month or so. A good reason will take some time to come up with. But once you get permission to go home ( sadly , I have to use the word permission here) , pack your bags for good and leave with your kid. Now, keep in mind , this is a final decision, no looking back . This is the most extreme step . You can't do this to teach him a lesson or if you want him to realize his mistakes . Coz that is not something you can do.
    4) once there, file for divorce. This is the only way out of this marriage , that too if you want to. Otherwise , refrain . Going by this route, you are doing everything legally. Hire a good lawyer ( you will need some monetary support for this or your own savings ). Custody of kids under 5 years usually goes to mother . So dont worry about that. But please think about this very carefully. Your and your kid's future depends on it .

    All this been said , there were other ways too in the past to show your husband that you are under great mental stress. You could have mentioned it to your Ob/ gyn at your pp visit that you are emotionally stressed or even your kid's pediatrician ( they make you fill out a questionnaire during initial visits) .They usually counsel the spouse a little . No body can live being totally financially dependent . You need to keep pressing for a little amount of cash / credit card each month( you can say emergency money etc). Also , you need to rebel sometimes. You need to take care of yourself . You can't just be bound to the house and chores all the time . Do this if you want to stay coz then you need to make a place for yourself in the family . Sometimes men do change with time but it's a very slow and unpredictable thing. And if you actually want to leave , then just put up a happy face and wait for an opportunity .
     
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  9. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    -
    Marriage doesn't mean you have participated in some kind of competition or image building. Stop this immediately.

    -
    Why you are so worried about your kid, please remember they will never ever harm your kid irrespective of whatever relation you have with them (they are using your kid only to emotionally abuse you).

    - Since you are saying you feel excluded and being treated as you don't exist, can you please list out what activities you do during the entire day I need full 24 hours list which should include your sleep time, your kid time, what all household activities you do eg cooking, cleaning, etc do you have any maid or helper?

    What kind of orders you get and if you don't do that, how have they reacted? eg husband or in laws will do complain to your parents, beat / scold you, not give you food, throw you out of the house, mistreat your kid, etc what else?



    I would advice you to stay over there and fight your battle, your parents / relatives instead of helping you to move out from this abusive marriage or try to punish your husband or in laws, by approaching the Indian embassy and file a complaint against them, but prefers to easily blame your fate. I am extremely SORRY for this rude statement, but it is a fact.

    Please check the links shared by "Sandycandy" they are important and first of all respect yourself.
     
  10. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Are they(you husband and inlaws) bothered about their image? Why are you so bothered?

    Unless you be firm, no one is going to listen to your needs. I kind of feel you are expecting them to naturally understand you. They will not and if they will, they wouldnt bother to react accordingly.

    Would your husband give you a divorce if things go very bad? Would his mother allow a divorce to happen? If yes, there is no point in trying further hard to make this work because they wouldnt budge anytime. If no, then you should learn to say NO for things which you feel is unjustified. Just like you are feeling trapped, let them also feel trapped with you(if you arent listening to their commands) if they want to make this work.
     
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