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How To Deal With My Situation?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    I'm a SAHM of 2+ year old.. on H4, no EAD, in US for 3 years now.
    Husband is someone who's always wanted/had his way in the marriage (despite us having a lot of fights over this) and metes out the silent treatment easily. Learning to handle it in itself has been a great challenge -and still is. Besides the challenges of uprooting myself and moving to a different place, being without job and becoming dependent in more ways than one, becoming a mom and navigating in-law relationship in this background.

    How to deal with:
    Husband's silent treatment? This is his habit, but currently he hasn't spoken to me in 45 days. This is probably the longest ever. MIL while acting disapproving of our non-communication, is actually facilitating it by happily being the go-betweener. And while she has openly scolded me for not going behind him, she never insists to her son to tell me directly (typical?!) He is well taken care of by her, there is very little role for me in HIS life now. I resent this very badly but don't know how to break out of it.
    He does utter a word here and there if there is no other way - if its something about the kid and the situation demands it (ie his mom is not around)... he spoke several times even if formally when we'd all gone out to the movies and kid was restless and I was trying to put her to sleep.. So basically, it is as per his convenience.
    Authoritarian behaviour His will/whim needs to be done. Else I get the above silent treatment. And my wishes/ideas/rationale are secondary to his. I do not accept this, and this has led to a lot of conflict. Even when I don't fly off the handle and behave calm and firm. And this gets worse when his parents are around, because they find fault with my assertiveness and support his behaviour.

    How can I stand up for myself without a job, without financial freedom? I am at a loss.
    To get EAD I need his cooperation. To get a job - to even hunt for a job. To put my child in daycare. To write qualifying exams to pursue my career in US.
    How am I to do all this when he so coolly shuts me out? I am really confused.

    A year back we had a major meltdown, but then overcame it, starting to talk about things and deal with it. Things started improving, he even initiated interest in me pursuing my career again. I was very happy, hopeful. Now after his parents came to visit us, everything is out after some minor argument and he is back to his old self.

    I have considered going to my (parental) home. He will not let me, unless we were all going to India. And considering my in-laws are still with us now, it may be a while till he wants to.
    I do not want to leave the kid with him and go.
    I am frustrated with being stuck like this for so long, not being allowed to do anything, for me or my home(married life) or my birth home or my own child. And having been in limbo so long, I'm scared my once - promising career is slipping out of my hands. And all this causes deep agony.
    I feel I've made too many sacrifices, and those too have gone unrecognised, and just been taken for granted...because I'm the woman in the marriage aka the one who must compromise...

    Have just poured it all out here.. please share your thoughts, counsel and suggestions..
     
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  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Go to India with ur kid. Stay with parents and get a job. Who is he to stop you when he does not want to help u in getting a job here
     
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  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    The airline would stop her. She would not get a boarding pass, without a letter -- there are various formats of this "child travel consent" letter -- from her husband. She should contact the particular airline she is travelling on. They will send her a link to the consent form. This is to protect children in dysfunctional families from being kidnapped by one parent.
     
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  4. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    You need to write a diary of your daily goings on. Outside, and inside your head. And posting it to a blog (or some draft location, where nobody needs to see/read that) would put a date/time stamp on it. You would feel better for unloading your thoughts, as well as have a compilation to present to your divorce lawyer once you get to India.

    Look upon the non-talker as a gift. If you really need to talk to him, try signlanguage101dotcom site.
     
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  5. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    The first thing required is talk to your HB. Tell him what u feel and need in this relation. ILs are always like that. But u two have to make ur life. Discuss the things. Don't stop till u get conclusion. Talk with love. Spend some quality time. Give examples of other people whose life is more imperfect. Show him ur qualities. Make him realise ur importance with love. Don't get so much position to ur ILs in ur mind. U can take his mind out of them only when ur mind is out. Give everything a good try. Then also if things don't work out then u can take decision of any major change.
     
  6. UngalilOruthi

    UngalilOruthi New IL'ite

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    Feel really bad for you. Your case is almost same as mine, I am a SAHM too with a 2+ yr old, and having conflicts with husband every now n then ever since we were married and husband has shut down talking to my family totally. But in my case, my husband get insane and hurts himself(has hurt me earlier but not recently) which is quiet disturbing to me. I am only looking for a Marriage Counselor as he doesn’t trust anybody me or my family talking to him abt this. I obviously can’t expect anything from my in laws , as they are the ones who worked hard to get rid of the TRUST he had on me. Feel really fed up of trying to prove myself. In both of our cases, I just feel these husbands doesn’t value their spouses. Ignoring or not talking to you for 45 days is too much, if he really wants to have you understand something abt him, he would have been silent for a couple days an$ then would have talked to you. If he really needs you and thinks you are a part of his family he wouldn’t do it. You are of no value to him. I know how much of a stress a SAHM has, if he can’t even be supportive at this stage, do you think he’ll support anytime in future? These guys should be given some shock treatment, such that you do something that he never expected at all from you. Do you have any siblings here or Plz get ur family’s support. Somehow plz try to go back to ur parents(along with baby). Then only can break his silence. Don’t ask him. Not sure, when in laws are leaving, if they are leaving in a month or so. Just wait n see ,if he changes after that. Even then,if he doesn’t, pack ur bags. Until he talks, You don’t show that you are worried, jus behave as if you are used to his behavior and it really doesn’t matter to you, and you are all busy with your own things day to day. Cheer up, be bold and do something that adds your value.
     
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  7. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you OP!
    I think you shoud give him a taste of his own medicine, when he does talk to you occasionally, dont reply back.. the same with when he communicates something through your MIL.. keep doing what you are doing as if you havent heard him.. If I were you I would retaliate.. not go to movies with him or do anything that he needs until he talk to you well, wouldn’t care what people/friends would think, he has to worry about that.. In the meantime act as if this doesn’t bother you at all and have lots of fun with your kid in front of him and PILs. For now, show him how it feels to be at the receiving end.
    As for the long term solution I don’t see an easy solution here, you need a job and that is difficult without your spouse’s support. If you tell us what your qualifications are, we can help you better in terms of job options..
    Are you planning to visit India anytime soon? You should try that , so you can decide whether or not you and your kid want to come back with your husband.
     
  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    What is he upset about? What is his expectation i.e. what, according to him, will settle this round of withdrawal? His behavior is very childish. This is no way for adults to resolve their problems, but I'm curious to understand his mindset and how serious or trivial his demands are.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2017
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  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    As you know well, silent treatment is a method to control you ( may be emotional abuse, a mode of passive aggressive behaviour). Your dh expect you to yield and go after him. That again will boost his ego. When he feels that his technique has an effect on you, he get some sort of happiness and confidence to do it again

    If you think you made a mistake, there is no harm in saying sorry. If there's no obvious reason, you may check if any of the points below help..

    So show him you don't care about it and it has no effect on it. Giving back silent treatment will give you more stress. So if you want to convey anything to him-on common topics or kids, tell him even if he don't respond back. Talk to the point and like you talk to a stranger.

    No argument, no complaints. I am sure he will listen to you , even if he don't acknowledge it. Behave as if you are just conveying the message and don't expect any return. Don't give any service as his wife.

    Another way is to text him and don't expect any reply. If you use what's up you will atleast know whether he read it or not. Use text to the point. Don't use this method to complain. Use it as a communication method only.

    Never allow any messenger including MIL in between you two. Next time if your MIL comes with his message , just listen give a blank face and don't reply back and walk away. If she insists, tell her, you will answer to him later just to pacify her , but dont do it. completely ignore. Don't obey any instruction through messenger. Be strong.

    Another way, is to text him, you don't need a messenger between you and him. So if he wants he need to talk or text you directly.
    But to Pils behave and treat them well, it is not their fault.

    Let him talk to you if wants. you said he talk when he he need it.. do the same. You talk when you want.

    This situation is stressful. So do some meditation or yoga . There are many meditation videos on YouTube, close your eyes and listen or pray at least 10 minutes everyday

    You need to show dh that his silent treatment has no effect on you. So behave as usual, do usual stuff, spend time with your kid, talk to your friends., create your own support system to be busy . In front of dh act like you are happy without him, and you are enjoying your life your own , you are happy. Dress really well, groom well, be happy and cheerful. (Act like that). You need to show your don't care about his silent treatment and it has no effect on you. This will impact his confidence.. have lot of patience. He will notice your change, for sure.. completely ignore his presence.

    If you want to cry or are upset, go to your own room/space and cry alone/ relax , but in front of others act like happy.

    You are in U.S., try/ explore if you can get a job and working visa yourself.

    Wait till your PILS leave India, then see how it goes. Now behave as if everything is normal. Then you can decide what to do next.

    If I were in your position, once they leave, I will talk to him in calm and cool way that you don't like to live like this way and is planning to separate as you are moving away from him emotionally ( just tell to give a shock treatment, to see how he react) or going back into India so that he can live in silencec peacefully . If he wants you as wife, he has to treat you like that.

    Anyway wait till your Ils leave you or use an opportunity if no one else is around.

    Never complaint about dh to pils or vice versa. Try to solve issues between you and dh, yourself as much as you can.

    So cheer up girl, act like you are not affected for the time being. Don't act like a victim of his tantrums. Be bold and strong
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2017
  10. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Very good advice @DDream.

    I'm going through the very same situation here. I've been only married for some 9 months, but my longest silent treatment from husband was 21 days, that also for a very silly reason, thats his ways to get things done from me. Every time I give up myself to bring peace between us. But last time I didn't and it went for 21 long days, which made me give up eventually. But I know the same silent thing will happen again in future, and next time I'm not gonna give up at all, even if its gonna end my relationship with him. I realised that I cant live my life this way. I have got no solution for you since I'm someone sailing in the same boat as yours, who always wondering how to teach a lesson for his behaviour.
     
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