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How To Deal With My Crazy Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Rainbow147, Jan 26, 2020.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Next time just remind her saying...."maa but fil was so nice and used to help you all the time ....bless his kind soul,what a wonderful husband he was."
     
    Rainbow147 and nakshatra1 like this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Been there, done that!

    10 years into this marriage, and this drama... So, I no longer afraid or ready to suffer!

    For the first 5-6 years, I had no clue that my MIL actually praises and appreciates me before my co-sisters. According to my co-sisters, I was the best DIL and they wonder what trick I had used to win my MIL's heart. This is how MIL compares us, and ridicule them by praising me. I didn't know that until all the 3 of us had a night out, and long discussion on this.
    All these while, MIL used to mock me down by showing how grate her other DILs are. This irritates me to the core.

    Like yours, my co-sisters are also afraid to discuss this openly, though they were really offended. Specially when she compared us saying how capable I am to bear kids, by indirectly insulting their fertility challenge.
    That's where I put my foot down.

    I directly asked MIL whether she had such a comparison? I asked has she ever appreciated my skills, my earning capacity etc before co-sis?
    And she said NO. Never, and insulted me saying these are nothing compared to her super DILs.
    Then I called co-sis, put her on speaker phone and asked the same qn. She explained it all, and that was it.
    MIL, I and co-sis are no longer in talking terms. I am stress free, but feels very guilt for making this mess.

    My advice for you to ignore. Since you are very comfortable in this marriage, ignorance is the best remedy for a smoother marriage.
    You can confront, but your relationship with everyone concerned will never be the same again. It is not worth the fight
     
  3. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    'MILs have habit to compare.Just dont reply or respond in any way.
     
  4. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Dealing with passive aggressive person can be challenging. But if you understand why they are passive aggressive you can easily handle. Your mil prefers to not show her anger, she doesn’t want to portray herself as an aggressive person. She doesn’t want confrontations. But she has deep anger inside her which she can show only in passive aggressive way. She cannot do honest communication and she has low self esteem. These are the reasons for passive aggressive behaviour. How to deal? Easy. Be honest. Be compassionate at the same time. When she talks something about cosis indirectly, ask her calmly “Oh why do you bring that topic now?”. Passive aggressive people don’t like to answer for why because “why” involves communication. With passive aggressive people, maintain a courageous tone and ask for why. They want to break you down, that’s why she uses passive aggressive tone. Be confident when you speak, use “why” more. When you ask “why” you will sound confident, passive aggressive people are scared of confident people. I have dealt with my passive aggressive mil same way, now she is careful when speaking to me. But I will tell you something. Passive aggressive people cannot change at all, so you got to be confident and ask for why throughout. People become passive aggressive when they were controlled too much since childhood.
     
    Rainbow147 likes this.
  5. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    I should try this. I lost my patience and confronted several times that her statements hurt me and usually give other examples without involving my cosis but never tried to ask why she was bringing that topic.. may be I should try this.

     
  6. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    This will not work.. she is very good at giving hurtful tit for tat replies. If I tell her something she will come back with something even more hurtful.
     
  7. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    You need five comments for atleast 5 threads. Then I think it enables the option. I read somewhere and did the same.
     
  8. Rainbow147

    Rainbow147 New IL'ite

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    Somewhere I know ignoring is the right thing. But because of her daily calls , it’s like rubbing Salt on wound and I don’t get time to forget her statements and then after 6 months she is back and the impact is even more when she is living with us. I tried several things like using headphones and hearing songs and avoiding conversation and keeping to minimum. But within 5 min you sit next to hear.. she will tell what she has to say. It looks as though she is keeping a bullet list to tell whenever she gets time even if it is 2 min.i confronted her and said that I don’t like such statements. Same behavior.
    Any techniques to learn ignoring?

     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    There is a difference between ignoring and avoiding.
    By using headphones or listening to music while she comments is actually avoiding the problem. It doesn't help.
    You are just staying away from it, and not moving on from it.

    Ignoring is different. It means you should deliberately pay no attention to what she talks.

    We have a lake beside our home. During rainy season we hear lot of noises from the frogs there. it irritates!
    Initially, we would place cotton balls in our ears, put the TV sound high, and what not. But the frogs continue to irritate us at nights.
    As time passes, we got used to it. We moved on from that irritation, thus started ignoring their loud cry.
    Ignoring means, pay no attention to that environmental sound.

    Just pay no attention to what she criticizes about you. My MIL criticize my lose (rebounded) hair style by comparing it to bathrakali. She says it is not good for a married woman to keep the hair lose, and so much negative criticism on it.
    Initially I used to worry a lot, and even try my best to hide away or tie my hair when she is around. It really upset me.
    Now a days, I've learned to ignore her stupid criticism. I keep my hair lose, style it, and do whatever that is right. I don't care what she comments.
    I don't react to it. I pay no attention deliberately; hence it irritates her.
    Initially she started complaining to FIL & my H and all that I don't listen to her, and that I don't respect her words. But who cares, I remained the same. No one really bothered whether I followed her or not.
    As time passes, she realized that it may become an insult if she keeps correcting me, and if I keep ignoring her corrections. So, she stopped.
    Now that, she doesn't say a word about anything that I do.
     
    Amica likes this.
  10. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Its smart that you did all that.I also face much abuse from my MIL , of a more serious type. One she kept taunting that we cannot have kids , so I left the room and went inside my room, but she kept that ""open the door- you are so rude!you have no decency- just staying all day in room!". Always taunting, comparing,complaining . She always asks us to visit her, but when we do visit, all she does is abuse us that we don''t have kids, we don''t have own house , pass comments on my looks etc. It is so much mental harassment really.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2020

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