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how to deal with lazy hubby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mamataf24, Apr 12, 2010.

  1. mamataf24

    mamataf24 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This is my first post in IL forum , I am a silent reader though...
    I am married for about 2 years now...with ups and downs.
    Recently I got a job and i am working...My hubby thinks that the household work is very trivial and seeking his help is a big mistake. When i ask for help , he replies saying that I am not cooking 10 dishes.Most of the times he says that he is tired , am i not tired ? he comes home by 6pm and sticks to laptop almost till the time we sleep , If i have to talk , I have to beside him (he will be lookin into laptop) and talk..but he never puts aside his laptop...this is since the time we married...
    Though its not big issue..it irritates me all the time...

    When I ask him to keep the house clean ...he says he cant do it..if i want i can do..Sometimes , when i dont keep the house clean when i am tired , he adds more dirt by throwing the tissues ,toothpicks, tv remote etc on the carpet...finally again its only me who has to remove all that..so i beg him not to do that...

    When I ask him to prepare tea..he says he doesnt want to drink..if i keep the tea , then he wil defintely have it...He sits in the couch and asks me for water..when i ask him get for himself..then he doesnt want to drink..

    I talked to him so many times that I need lil help from him in household work..he says ok then..but same story repeats...I am wondering now , will he do anything if ia m in real need ..we are planing for kids now..

    The only thing that i dont like about him is the above stuff...Otherwise he is a really gud person..taking good care of me..he takes me for shopping and etc....

    pls advice on how to explain him that his lil help wud make a lot diference to me....
     
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  2. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    What happens if one "kind of..." falls sick for a bit? :idea
     
  3. paru72

    paru72 Silver IL'ite

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    for starters stop talking to him for few days.believe me it works!!dont give a serious look.smile within urself.dont look behind to see whether he is watching or not.u go abt ur work silently.only ur work.if throws garbage all around the house dont pick it up.let it lie around there.stop once a while at the garbage and give a huuuuggge sigh .but dont pick it up.stop washing his clothes.if he comments on the garbage and his clothes ;stop ;give him a smile and walk away.but dont do his work.he will come around and then u can sit down and say u need to talk and he has to pay attention.then tell him that he too has to contribute in household chores.make schedules as to which work will be done by whom.
     
  4. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Mamta,
    Count me in to your boat! Exactly same my husband does. Now, I am a situation - I dont ask him any help, whatever I can do, will do that only but not at the cost of my comfort timing.

    Paru,
    Good ideas to take revenge! But I think men feel "Not knowing something is often more comfortable than knowing it", then house becomes a recycle bin.
    Yes, it happened to me. Because the moment I stopped complaining about these kind of issues, both of us are comfortable and I practiced to have a blind eye and deaf ear and dumb mouth.
    Slowly he changed and started asking me if I needed any help. Its just words sake he asked me if I needed any help, but not from heart. So, if required I ask him otherwise I do whatever is possible from me.
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    +1 for me as well.
    Even if you remain angry.. he may do the work max for a day and then back to sq 1.
    Sometimes I play is psycology, I let the items keep piling and infact drop some more waste here n there & now since he's used to a clean home he does it at times... but then yes v rare & if its reached a stage where you cant walk or sleep anymore.
     
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Well.. .you are talking about my DH there. :) But then, I go behind him and clean up after. :rotfl Really that is the only easy way out, Mamata. I want a clean house, I keep it clean. That is my logic. With my this approach, my house is not only clean but happy.

    I don't think it is worth to put up a long face, silent treatment, cold wars for this - do whatever you can and be happy. JMO

    Actually, you may be missing him when he is lost behind that laptop, and more than wanting help from him, is that the case, you want him to engage in household chores so he spends time with you? Ask your subconscious mind.. If so,
    make him see that you miss him. Instead of asking him to help you around with work, ask him to be around when you work. That might bring about a good change..

    I hope he will.. from your post I get a feeling that he does not help you because he thinks it is trivial like no help in making 1 dish etc.. so when it comes to parenting, he may gear up to help.. But do not make this as a training for his parenting. :) Take it easy.

    Try to change him or you change yourself. Think about it this way: He does so much for me.. let me do this for him. :thumbsup
     
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Mamta I feel your husband is very lucky, to get a wife like you, not that what he does is right, but the way you do not react or make his life hell(hopefully) is remarkable.:thumbsup
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Cleaup everything including the TV remote and throw it in trash.So next time you don't see TV remote on the carpet :)

    Keep one full of jug or water bottle next to him.

    Cleary tell him to close the laptop for 11/2 hour every day otherwise no food in the home and go outside for good.That way you get some of his time.
     
  9. mamataf24

    mamataf24 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all the replies ladies...

    I tried to explain him softly sometimes , but it works only for sometime..
    I shout at him sometimes...I feel bad doing that..but I want a lil change in him..
     
  10. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    That is not a good strategy, Mamata. You might turn bitter and it is not worth it.. After all a little help.. we women are stronger, can't we do a little more chore? Again, see if the fact that he is not around is the real issue than him not helping around..
    Even if he helps because of your 'shouting', he may be resentful.. is that what you want? weigh your options.. If he does not help you in household, I am sure he might be doing something else for you that he is good at.. see if that eases you..
     

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