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How To Deal With Lame And Uninterested Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Parry22, Dec 10, 2020.

  1. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    I have been married for nearly 4 years now, through arranged marriage where in i didn't get to know him beforehand.
    Now after knowing him, I realise he is totally uninterested in marriage and lame. Few example of :

    Uninterested :
    • Doesn't want to spend time together. If we are talking , and some one calls his name - he jumps at the opportunity n runs out of the room as to escape this torture
    • No interest in intimacy. Literally we have no sex life. Fool around maybe once in 4-5 months. He also has ED so nothing really happens.
    • Has not added me in his health insurance at work, and he doesn't think its necessary. Hello ? What about when (and if ) we have kids.
    • Doesn't share how much is his salary or anything related to finances. When i ask he says - tumko kya karna hai ? and then fights that i am only after his money (i am financially independent and do not depend on him for any materialistic things including gifts or medical)
    • Does not bother wishing me on bday or anniversary. Has never bought my anything or given my gifts.

    Lame :
    • No interest in pursuing any hobbies , and has silly excuses for doing any kind of hobby like for trekking - my legs are slightly crooked i cannot go trekking. Playing sports - Building people will see me so what will they say that i am playing badminton with wife?!!? Movies at home - Parents will hear such loud noise from movie, what will they think?
    • Scared of literally anything and makes me kill small insects. Scared of street dogs , once fell on his bum on the road while running away from a dog!!
    • Cannot drive a scooter or car and no plans to learn or get license - but wants to buy a car to roam around (making me drive as i can drive both)
    • Keeps saying that his pratham and last dharam is taking care of his parents. So he doesn't want to focus on wife. Yet doesn't take care of parents, in 70s his parents take care of him - his mom still brings him water , chai, medicine from doctor, undergarments. When he says something like ' i want a cell tape' and theres no cello tape at home, his dad runs to the nearby shop to buy him that immediately.

    As i am typing this, i am questioning myself on why i even am married? But anyway that's another story.

    Is my husband the lamest (if yes how do i deal with him for life!!)
     
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Your man needs a lot of growing up to do. Upbringing to be blamed perhaps. Is he the only son?

    He won't change as long as everything (undergarments included!) falls into his lap without moving his finger.

    Lack of interest in 'times together' and intimacy may be stemming up from his ED issues. An open talk with him explaining your emotional need for time together and that time spent together need not necessarily lead to intimacy could ease him up from the stress he might be going through because of his ED. I think his way of defence is avoidance rather than dealing with it. His immaturity is also not allowing him to see your needs. Talk to him openly in order to enable him to see that you understand / support him even in his weaknesses. Once that happens, gradually both of you can express your mutual needs and work out things accordingly.

    He doesn't seem to include you in his frame of life. He can only see himself and his needs, comfort. 'Log kya kahenge' mentality is an ugly bonus in the package here.

    Hugs to you!

    Don't kill. Let them be. Let the one who is scared figure out what is to be done. You should stop doing what his parents did all these days.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2020
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I hope your marriage is consuminated. If not, go for annulment. Already wasted 4years.

    If yes, his ED may be the reason to avoid intimacy. But still he can make you happy in other ways. You need to have an open discussion with him. Tell him you will be with him if he want to deal with the issue and keep it secret. You will support him. You need to create a great comfort zone if he agrees to seek help. If his answer is negative tell him you will file divorce. Medical science can fix this issue, I believe. In this case you should have lot of patience. A normal,healthy, male won't stay away from sex with his wife for these many years. So there is some issue for sure. Is he healthy otherwise. His fear for everything dont look manly. Sorry for being blunt.

    If his job is to take care of parents why did he marry you? He should have hired a full time servant. He is using you to save his face in front of society . My suggestion is dont do any thing out of ordinary to serve him like a servant when he dont consider or treat you as a wife. Live your life. Also save your salary in your own account and dont give details if he dont want to share.

    You have wasted 4 years . Don't waste any more time. Are you ready to be in a sexless, loveless marriage and end up like a baby producing machine through ivf? ( you will find similar post in married section or search 'sexless marriage' - search in this site)
    Is that what you deserve? Is this what your parents deserve? They raised you to become an independent women . They will be happy only when you are happy. Health issues can occur after marriage, we have to support spouse. But he was aware of his ED, and married you by hiding it.

    So you have only three options
    Stay in a marriage for the sake of society or others and waste your precious life.

    Stay and try to make it work. But if he is not ready, how much time will you give.? Another 10 years and end up in sad depressed state and waste all your youthfull years?

    If the above fails, talk to any elderly person and inform your parents and decide what to do or separate

    First have a discussion with him and decide your time line. Only you can decide what you want.

    Remember you have only one life. Please don't go for any kids if the issues remain unsolved. If so, most likely you will end up stuck in this marriage.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2020
  4. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    I am sorry you have had to go through this for 4 long years!

    May I ask, how are you financially independent? Are you enabling him somehow to disengage with familial matters? I think its important to hear your side of the story - how committed you are and how your demeanor generally is. Living in a marriage for 4 years with such a spouse would have required huge amounts of commitment. Other than that, to me, what all you posted are all signs of someone who has already checked out of a marriage. Have you had a discussion with him about why he got married at all?

    My suspicion, very respectfully, is - that may be he is a homosexual? Have you had such suspicions? The love he gets from his parents even when they are 70 might support this. However, I suspect they are probably equally loving towards you too - just covering their guilt to have you married their son.
     
  5. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Have you ever changed one single thing that you did not like about your husband after your marriage ? Your husband does not look like a person that can be changed, its better to cut your losses and think about your future without him.
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    +1
     
  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    OP's prognosis with her lameH for the future isn't good. The most positive thing she has going in the marriage is that there are no kids. As member DD mentions, this has to be kept that way, until she can move out and be on her own. Her husband is obviously helping out in this aspect.
    Having two 70 old people in the house is not at all conducive to on-demand intimacy. Equipment disuse can make it rusty as well as loss of user abilities. If OP cares any, she needs to know if her lame-H is self-pleasuring. In the absence of intimacy, the occasional DIY may be helpful to health.
    Here is something:
    Q.
    Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives? <source>
    A.
    Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.​
     

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