how to deal with in laws hubby problems

AparnaVijayan · Nov 13, 2012

hi,

it has been an year since my marriage. my hubby is a very nice person. he also has the full fledge responsibility of his family ( parents and a sister ). We got married before his sisters and he had the financial responsibility of geting his sister married.
her marriage has been fixed recently and we are going to india for her marriage.

During the intial days of our marriage time. I had stayed in laws home in india for a very short period before we came to US for his onsite assignment. I have been critisized badly at some of simple incidents. I do accept that their way of life is different and i need to get used to it but i get emotionally hurt too much when she uses some sentences to criticize me and I dont even speak back when i get too hurt.

While coming to US, i had kept my jewels in locker in india near in laws place and locker is also in their name for now ( we did not want to bring jewels to US since we came here on temporary basis). My husband had asked his mother to take my jewels to use for his sisters marriage which he did not ask me. Im not liking my things used without being asked. I donot want to complain this to my hubby as he is so attached to his Mother. I dont wish that my in laws use my personal things for granted. But if i say this it may sound bad to my hubby. Pls suggest me how to behave in this regard.

Im feel confused in such scenarios in maried life and i dont want to hurt anyone.
My MIL is too rude sometimes which im unable to bear and my hubby is so attached to his mom that i always think many time before speaking anything to him. Sometimes i dont have the freedom to tell what i feel and want to speak. It can make matters too worse and spoil and relation between me and my husband.

Married people please advise me to have a healthy relation with my MIL and my HUBBY

sweetshreya · Nov 13, 2012

This thread should be in relationship with in-laws forum......

Anyways, coming back to the topic, does that jewelry includes one that your parents have given you? If yes, then you have all right to that jewelry.

Are you attending the wedding. If yes, then at the day of wedding ask your in-laws for it and keep it with you, wear it untill SIL's 'bidai'. If not, then things get tricky. Ask your husband casually, what is going to happen to your jewels? Ask him what does he mean by 'taking' them. Let it be if they are taking it just for wearing purpose.

God forbid, if they are going to use it in any other way. There are threads in IL where MIL's have sold, exchanged, given away gold brought by the DIL. If this is the case with you, you should put your foot down and say no. Tell your husband firmly that this jewelry has lots of emotional values attached to it. You won't have them tampered with in anyway.

Aarushi · Nov 13, 2012

Hi Aparna,

I think in a good marriage communication is really important. Inform your husband when he is in a good mood that you would like to wear your jewellery during the marriage. Also tell him that your parents have given you your jewellery and you are very attached to it. Keeping quiet about things which are important is NOT a good idea. Keeping your jewellery in a locker under your in-laws name is a VERY bad idea. Why can you not open yr own locker and deposit yr stuff there? But please do get a hold of yr own stuff before it is too late.

Your husband might not be too thrilled but then he also didnt take your feelings into account when he gave his mom full leeway in what to do with your jewellery without even asking you.

If I were you, I would just have a talk with my husband and tell him that he shd discuss these things with me if they affect my stuff.

Also, there is no harm in standing up now and then to your MIL. If you behave like a door mat, you will end up being treated like one. If she criticizes you, tell her that you just have a different way of doing things and you are sure that when your sister in law gets married and goes to her in laws place, she will also face the same thing. No need to get angry, sullen or sulk. Just be firm and believe in your self.

take care,
Aarushi

AparnaVijayan · Nov 13, 2012

Thank you shreya and aarushi.

Infact they are the jewels my parents gave me.
infact i was reluctant about having the locker in their name but during the marriage time since we needed to travel to US we were quite busy with our visa stuffs, my MIL kept my jewels in her name. My hubby said that his mom asked him before doing that and he nodded for opening in his moms name. Since it was first few days of my marriage, i did not have much courage to reluct this, although i just showed a slight hesitation to my hubby to which he told me 'you dont have belief in my mom uh? she will not take those'. when he says this what more could i say abt this. He had asked me this in a quite a lot of instances. He wants to me trust them as my own family..
But Im not quite sure about her character ( might be becoz i lived for only a few days with her and all i had is a negative image on how she behaved with me) but i believe my hubby. Also my hubby says she critisices me becoz she treats me as her own daughter. I understand he's trying to be good both sides.

On my coming to US when i jjust casually asked my MIL if she kept my jewels in locker to which she got so angry.
She mistook as if i asked her if she took my jewels. She replied angrily - 'Me and my daughter wore all of your jewels'. i realized she did not do that but was angry that i asked her. She takes any of my questions the most negative way it can be taken. I have to think twice before asking anything to her and sometime i feel not to open my mouth. Its not only me, my husband has been brought up the same way. Whatever decision she takes its a nod from him until something is too personal to him. In matters like this ( locker ) he does not take much concern and wants to go by his mom and he also wants me not to bother like this and believe his family.

This time when i go to india im planning to have the locker in our name. But im concerned when i insist on this they will raise their questions of my belief in them.

You might think me that im not bold enuf to discuss things. Believe me i was not a person like this before. I donot keep things bothering me and speak out frankly. But im not sometimes able to do the same here.
Only thing im concerned is because i donot want to have problems at this very early stage of marriage.
Is it better that i wait for some more time to understand them and then behave accordingly. When i doubt on certain things about my MIL, my hubby feels i dont trust them.

sweetshreya · Nov 13, 2012

AparnaVijayan said: ↑

Thank you shreya and aarushi.

Infact they are the jewels my parents gave me.
infact i was reluctant about having the locker in their name but during the marriage time since we needed to travel to US we were quite busy with our visa stuffs, my MIL kept my jewels in her name. My hubby said that his mom asked him before doing that and he nodded for opening in his moms name. Since it was first few days of my marriage, i did not have much courage to reluct this, although i just showed a slight hesitation to my hubby to which he told me 'you dont have belief in my mom uh? she will not take those'. when he says this what more could i say abt this. He had asked me this in a quite a lot of instances. He wants to me trust them as my own family..

I can understand this. I've had the same problems as I've too kept my stuff with in-laws and came to US after marriage. :-( A husband may want us to trust them as our own family, but he does not understand that trust comes with time. The way they behave about it, it will take longer and longer. Why can't they understand this simple thing? :bonk :rant

But Im not quite sure about her character ( might be becoz i lived for only a few days with her and all i had is a negative image on how she behaved with me) but i believe my hubby. Also my hubby says she critisices me becoz she treats me as her own daughter.

Oh really !! Tell him that maybe she should start treating you as her grand-daughters then.

I understand he's trying to be good both sides.

On my coming to US when i jjust casually asked my MIL if she kept my jewels in locker to which she got so angry.
She mistook as if i asked her if she took my jewels. She replied angrily - 'Me and my daughter wore all of your jewels'. i realized she did not do that but was angry that i asked her. She takes any of my questions the most negative way it can be taken. I have to think twice before asking anything to her and sometime i feel not to open my mouth. Its not only me, my husband has been brought up the same way. Whatever decision she takes its a nod from him until something is too personal to him. In matters like this ( locker ) he does not take much concern and wants to go by his mom and he also wants me not to bother like this and believe his family.

A severe personality defect on your husband's part. It will take a long long time to cure. You will have to suffer it, dear, brace for it. It cannot be corrected so soon. :drowning

This time when i go to india im planning to have the locker in our name. But im concerned when i insist on this they will raise their questions of my belief in them.

Don't worry about them, safeguard your jewels first.

You might think me that im not bold enuf to discuss things. Believe me i was not a person like this before. I donot keep things bothering me and speak out frankly. But im not sometimes able to do the same here.

Please be yourself. This is very very important. Don't try to be what you were not before. Believe me, it will not be appreciated, instead they will start taking unfair advantage of your silence.

Only thing im concerned is because i donot want to have problems at this very early stage of marriage.
Is it better that i wait for some more time to understand them and then behave accordingly. When i doubt on certain things about my MIL, my hubby feels i dont trust them.

IMO, it is better to make things clear at this early stage than resent it later.
Click to expand...

Your husband has been taking you too much for granted. Only you are to decide if it is any good for you or not. :coffee

AparnaVijayan · Nov 14, 2012

Thanks for your advice shreya. I'll try to safegurad my jewels when i go this time. They have already taken some for his sister to wear for her wedding. She was saying she did not have much to wear on her D-DAY. I'll be going for the marriage too.

I cannot understand if my hubby is taking me too much for granted. But he says he loves me very much and i thk he really meant that because he takes any additional effort to make me happy whatever hectic schedule he has when things are just personal between us. Any small doubt that i show on his family makes him feel very bad and I love him very much too :-(

JGVR · Nov 14, 2012

Talk to your H first and tell him that he also needs to check with you before commiting anything reg you or your jewels.Tell him that you need all your jewels back after the marriage is over and the name of the locker changed to yours.tell him that you would like to keep your things separately.if he brings trust issues tell him that since you have lived only for a short time with IL's you cannot comment on the same.Problems may arise in marriage at any stage,So the sooner you discuss your mind with H the better.

JustMyself · Nov 14, 2012

If I were you, I would NOT address this to in-laws directly. I would first convince my DH and ask my DH to get a seperate locker. You could tell him that you need a seperate locker, as anyway at later point in time you both would need a bigger space put my certificates & other important documents (property deals , pattas etc) also in the locker along with your jewels.

You could ask your DH to send more money if your SIL needs more jewels, instead of giving yours. Money could be used either to go for artificial bridal jewellery or gold jewellery (based on amount you guyz could afford to spare at this stage).

Anyway, Few ways to keep your jewels... again ONLY to DH. Do not approach in-laws directly here.
1. You could just say a No to your SIL wearing your jewels.
2. You could mention that you are very sentimental about your jewels, and would not like it being worn by anybody.
3. You could mention that your SIL's in-laws/in-law's relative might take it wrong if they see the same jewels appear on the bride and later on you after marriage. It did happen in one of my relative's marriage, where-in one of the in-laws relatives, literally pointed at the jewels the brides sister was wearing in the "after-marriage" ceremony, and questioned if the bride does not have enough jewels as mentioned earlier before marriage.

I like my in-laws, but I do not want them to hate me for petty issues or for me being finicky sometime. In such issues, I generally convince my DH to address them. It is easier for parents to forgive their son than DIL.
At any point, if my in-laws ask me directly about any issues, I give them the real reason for my hesitance and hope to God they forgive me, if I was hurting them by saying so.

NilamKhushi · Nov 14, 2012

Hi Aparna,

Please break your silence, you are not going to win anything if you don't speak up for yourself. You need to get back your jewels as they are your parents blessings for you. Also I am not sure about your traditions but in our tradition what ever jewels a bride wears at the time of kanyadan (wedding) must go with her. So if your SIL wears your jewels at the time of kanyadan, it will be hers. Then you will have to deal with 2 I-Ls , yours and your SIL's in laws.